it's only been a year, and he won't have sex with me!

By missay_kittay July 10, 2010 - 8:04am

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I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 26, we've been together just over a year. I hate to admit it, but we bonded over a love of liquor. We had sober sex, but the sober times were at par with the drunk times. After a while, it seemed like he only wanted sex when he was drinking, or drunk. So about 5 months ago I drastically cut down on the amount of alcohol I drank and asked him to do the same. He had some trouble, but he did it. Since then we have sex maybe 3 times a month. It's getting frustrating because i know he still has a sex drive, he watches internet porn and masturbates regularly. When I bring up the topic he just shrugs it off, he says that he's "always the one to try to initiate it". I know that's a lie because I DO try to initiate sex. i try kissing him, rubbing him, and every time it ends in rejection. We've only been together for a year and, already, I'm in a sexless marriage! He tells me I'm beautiful all the time, we still laugh and have fun together, but is there anything I can do to make him want me without the aid of beer-googles?

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Christine Jeffries

Congrats for having the strength to recognize a problem and the strength to do something about it. It's not easy, I know. Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. It's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. If you're wanting more activity, either you need to take it upon yourself to incite that (ex., view porn with him? try lingerie?), or have the gumption to walk away and search for a man that's more "your style" in that regard. If it doesn't work out, don't worry, you will gain more time to figure out what's important to you in a relationship and what you need to be happy beyond sex. There is no greedy in that. You deserve to be comfortable and happy with your mate in every sense.

July 19, 2010 - 10:25am

missay_kittay

Well, I finally came to the realization that I'm going to be the only one in my relationship to take this problem seriously. He started drinking again, today would be day four. We had sex once, and that's not enough for me. I don't know if I'm being greedy. Anywhoo... if he's not going to take me (and this) seriously, the relationship is doomed to fail. It might hurt a whole lot, but what has to be done, has to be done.

July 19, 2010 - 9:18am

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Anonymous

Hi Missay,

Although this is a serious matter, I chuckled at the beer-goggle comment.
With any addiction, whether your drinking was or was not an addiction, your life changes and things are dramatically different. Your inhibitions are usually blinded by alcohol so think of something you may have done to him (to get him aroused) while you both were drinking and try that. You initiate it. Do not fear rejection and keep trying.

There is a big different between your life now and your life then....you can still make your sex life exciting without alcohol, just learn to loosen up and he needs to also. Fear of rejection will always be a large problem in a relationship and talking to him about it will also help. You do not need alcohol to have great sex but you do need communication to start fresh and new without the alcohol in your life.

Does this help? Can you keep us updated?

July 10, 2010 - 9:15am