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Lacking in the bedroom

By Anonymous October 23, 2012 - 1:53am
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My husband and I have been together for a little 4 years now. I'm 22 and he is 33. When we first got together it was like every other relationship (passion high, exploring each other and getting to know what the other likes). My sex drive is pretty average (I am "in the mood" twice a week on average) my husband on the other hand was diagnosed with Low T. With in a year his sex drive went from the same level as me to zero. We maybe have sex once a month. He refuses to take the medicine the doctor suggested and I'm not sure what to do. While I know he can't help that his sex drive isn't there I still feel rejected and undesired. I have tried to talk to him about it and he just gets defensive. Meanwhile I am sexually frustrated and to be honest hurt.

What should I do?

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HERWriter Guide

Hi again!

Your boyfriend is only 33! That is far too young to accept it as normal for a man - it isn't.

He sounds like he's in denial or just too scared or embarrassed to talk. It also sounds like your all-round relationship is suffering, which is a normal "side-effect".

I don't blame you for not even dealing with sex and him anymore - no woman wants to be rejected like that.

But at the same time, you have wants and needs like any woman.

I think you need to tell him that YOUR needs and feelings also matter and that your opinion counts too. This isn't just about him. This is a relationship - meaning something between more than one person. Tell him how lonely and sad it is for you too - and ask him to put himself in your position. You can do all this in a non-confrontational way. You wouldn't be saying these things if you didn't care.

See what happens.


October 24, 2012 - 12:10pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for sharing your story and concerns with you. I appreciate you are upset and hurt; your reactions are normal for someone in your position.

I also think your partner's reactions are normal for someone in his position. Men don't talk about things like women do. He may feel like he has failed himself and you and is afraid to take steps (medication) to make things right. Men are very sensitive about their sexual prowess.

But since he knows what the problem is and since he has the medication to help - you need to talk to him more about why he isn't willing to take these steps.

Is he angry? Does he think the problem will just go away if he ignores it? Is he wondering if you'll leave? These are questions that he needs to ask and you need to pry out of him - gently.

I think it's a good idea to start making him feel really good about himself. Tell him when he looks good. Remind him of how much you love him and what a good guy he is. Don't suggest sex for a while - let him know you love him either way. He may realize that losing you will be a big mistake and start taking the meds.

If this doesn't work, you do need to talk to him about making changes. But take it slowly at first and try the above option.

How are things outside the bedroom? Do you kiss and cuddle - go on dates and to the movies etc? Do you chat and have fun?


October 23, 2012 - 12:55pm
(reply to Susan Cody)

I am the one who asked the question. I made a profile so there wouldn't be any confusion.

Outside the bedroom things are ok. We kiss some (not ss much as we used to) and we cuddle when we go to bed but that's it. At times he seems really distant. We don't get out much because I take care of my great grandmother full time. Our last date was in July for my birthday. We are going on next week for the first time since. I have stopped bringing up sex completely because the rejection just gets to me too much. I talk to him. Make sure I show him that I love him in other ways. I have talked to him about the medication and he says he doesn't want to take it because its "natural" for this to happen ss a man gets older.

October 24, 2012 - 1:40am
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