Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

I have read a lot of responses to this lady and I agree with so many...many even expressing opposite opinions too. I have been with my husband for 18 years; married for 13. In that time Ihave supported him in his career, helped him raise his two daughters (and live with the associated bull from his ex wife) and now we have grandkids who I love as if they were my blood. During this time I have also had severe Rheumatoid Arthritis but even through surgeries I have held up my end. Last year I had a brain stem stroke and I am lucky to be alive. This last year is really the first time my husband has had to carry extra load and then only for a few months.
My husband is grumpy. He cannot say sorry. If he is in the wrong he will not admit it. He cannot be conciliatory ever. He dumps all his work stress on me. And now he says I have 12 months to'get well' or I'm out on my ear. He says he doesn't have to live the life I'm stuck with. I have a vicious pain syndrome and medication has made me put on a lot weight very quickly. My husband flapped his hand at me and said its not about sex either "because I'm not interested". In me..post stroke, fat and damaged.
My husband married a vibrant blonde with a good figure and sense of fun. He has ended up with a battered pain ridden fat old girl who considers her worth in this world every day. Do I think my husband has been robbed? Hell yes. Have I?
Move over..there is NO ONE here who has been been more robbed than me. More angry than me. More broken than me. And you know something? It could have been him. He could of had a stroke. Or gotten ill. I know had the table been turned that I woukd have looked after him. And loved him regardless. So leave if you like. Your partners illness isn't their fault ou yours...its just what life had laid out for you. Make whatever decision you want . And can live with.

Oh my word this is so close to my situation but the other way around. I have been married to my wife for 12 years and knew at the time of us meeting that she has just been diagnosed with m.s. I was 20 at the time and she was 24, she was wonderful in every way and loved every single bit of me and me the same to her, we had 2 amazing children aged 9 and 5. They and my self have grown up with their mum and my wifes condition getting worse and worse. I had to give up work in 2011 to look after my wife and our children. Her condition now is edging on Primary Progressive, she can no longer care for her self, has incontinence and last week collapsed and is now in hospital as I write this 300 miles from home. I have amazing support from my wifes parents and with the issues of this week have had my family step up to the mark for pretty much the first time. My wife will not be coming out of hospital for the time being because I have made a very selfish decision to insist on funding for 2 permenant carers for her as I have had enough. It has been very hard and I am getting a little upset writing this but I have lost my wife to the illness. She thinks things are ok but they are not, I just need some normality for the first time in 10 years. I am always though toying with the thought that I would love to meet another woman, not for the sexual side of things but for sharing, someone I can walk with and talk with, someone who I can have a laugh with and enjoy life again. My only advise is to be honest with those around you and your self, if it is too tough admit it and tell people what you want for a change, you live only once in this world and there needs to be a balance between stresses and enjoyment in life. I am praying for your situation God Bless you.

Hi. Been married 22 years to my bride. 4 months into our marriage she got sprayed by a chemical at work. She became a chronic paranoid schizophrenic and life changed for us both very fast. Physically she was poisoned and mentally i didnt know her. I was 23 and lost but fir God. I decided that i made a vow to her and the lord to take care of her, sometimes the only thing tht brought me home was that vow. Its difficult enough being a young man and having no sexual contact but you add on the fact that youre only existance is for someone who hates you, life, and everything about life, and you start dying inside. 21 years later i still am her caretaker, the husband part was gone long ago. She is more a sister, and a sister in christ than a wife. But ive kept tht vow i made and when God takes her home i will be sad and happy because she will be the gal i loved again so long ago.

As for me ive learned that i lost myself and who i was, in the past year i foubd a friend who makes sure i do something for myself once a month and altho i have changed, i am gradually finding joy in life again. Before now i was just waiting for her to pass away so that i could die myself. Dont get so far down that you see no light like i did. Stop and see your worth beyond caretaker. God bless you. Hang in there. One survivor to another

I married a strong, hard working, thoughtful man. 18 years into our marriage, he had a coma, for reasons no one could find. I sat by his bed day and night, helped him learn to walk again when he came out of it, was his 24 hour care giver. Then he got rear ended by a bus, which landed him back in bed for 3 months. He has sleep apnea, which, because he wont spend the money on a machine, keeps me awake every night, poking him when he stops breathing. He is "sick" all the time with one thing or another , is physically unavailable, says random, very mean things, even to friends, becomes easily angered, is never happy with anything I do or say any more (and makes sure he comments about it). If it is his bike, or something he like,s he has all the energy in the world, even if his frustration levels are non existent. If it is something his family likes..he is "sick", "tired" or "too sore". it has been three years of hell, but I feel guilty for wanting a life, wanting to be able to live, and do things, when I know he is still in pain from the accident

I left my husband 2 years after his stroke. He's telling everyone that I left him because he had a stroke. That isn't true. I was going to leave him before his stroke but didn't move fast enough. I had a place lined up to live, money in the bank, and was ready to go. THEN he had the stroke (due to not taking care of his health, going off his cholesterol meds cold turkey, being alcoholic, refusing to treat sleep apnea, etc. etc.). For the whole 11 years of marriage, he was abusive. You would never know it because he is personally charming. Mostly his abuse happened where no one could see. This poor excuse for a man had anally raped me, shoved me, shot a gun at me. He struck me, intimidated me, committed many acts of sexual assault other than the rape. He called me terrible names, screamed obscenities over everything. His psychological abuse was well thought out and a daily occurrence. He refused to support me financially and demanded money from me for a home I couldn't afford but he wanted. He manipulated me into giving money to him for his kids college educations, which I 'freely' gave in order to keep the peace. He accused me of running up his credit card when I never had one - it was his daughter who did it. In other words, my life was hell for most of the marriage. Only my close friends saw any of his abuse. Because I was still married to this horrible man when he had the stroke, I became his caregiver through that and other illnesses and surgery. Without me he'd have been in a nursing home. He couldn't have had better care than I gave him. I left when he could again take care of himself. People believe his claim that I left him because he had the stroke and is now handicapped. Believe me, I was totally justified in leaving. TOTALLY. I was in fear for my life through the marriage and during the caregiving and still am. He wants to shoot anything and everything and is even more disturbed than he was before. On top of all the abuse I suffered, I now have the added stress of people thinking I'm the bad guy. I was brought up to be so responsible that I still feel guilt over leaving, but if I hadn't, I could be dead today. I'm just saying, don't ever think you know what is going on in a marriage or why a caregiver might have to leave.