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Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

By Expert HERWriter January 7, 2009 - 10:17pm
 
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A couple of days ago, a woman wrote to me in the "ASK Michelle" section and told me her heartfelt, honest, and I think heart-wrenching story about her ill husband, who has multiple sclerosis, and the very real difficulties about living with someone who has changed in so many ways over the years. Many of the changes have affected his personality and made him very difficult to live with at times. I wrote her back and told her how I could totally see where she was coming from in terms of her emotions, and that I understood what she was saying. But I also wanted to post her story here (see below), so others could see it and reply to her and give her more suggestions, support and a sense of hope and that she is not alone. Please, if anyone has anything they'd like to tell her, I would really appreciate it--I'm sending her this link so she can watch for more replies. For example, do you know of another woman who has gone through this, and/or do you know of any resources for her? Thank you everyone!

"I am a 37year old female, well educated and completely healthy. I married my husband 8 years ago, knowing that he has multiple sclerosis. He was a vibrant, fun, clever and interesting person. Over the past 8 years, he has physically deteriorated (developed seizures, incontinence, difficulty walking distances, had a pulmonary embolism and now suffers from depression (but who wouldn't)). He no longer works, he stays home and does some household chores, is obsessed with our finances (we are doing ok), is mean and angry, hardly talks to me, hasn't held me or made love to me in years and honestly I don't even think that he likes me. I really think that I could deal with the physical limitations, it's the emotional stuff that is wearing me down. I've been seeing a counselor who asks me "How much more are you willing to take?" and I just don't know anymore. I'm so lonely and feel so trapped. He refuses to see a counselor or psychiatrist. I feel like an awful person for even thinking of leaving him, but I'm so unhappy that I don't know what else to do. I guess my question is "what kind of woman leaves a sick spouse?"

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

You two could talk over getting into a care center that will take care of your physical needs while he visits most days bringing you your favorites thing and lots of love. This way you feel like you are not burdening him but still be in the relationship he doesn't want to leave...You may have to seriously consider this soon any way. But if he insists on taking care of you at home try to get as much help as possible through family, friends and healthcare providers. May grace flow to both of you...and your special relationship. Sue Sita

March 23, 2015 - 11:33pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Get help with your care and needs...contact SSDI and your local Senior agencies...so he is not doing this by himself. Make connections with your higher power for your strength and transition so he, and you, know your alright psychologically... These are the things I need as a caregiver.

March 23, 2015 - 9:45am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

You have a good husband there. Enjoy him.

March 23, 2015 - 9:27am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am there! Married 30 years, and haven't had emotional
intimacy let alone physical intimacy, predictable affection,
kindness, respect, or appreciation in forever it seems. My spouse too is disabled, a bad back and severe depression. I have stood by and been emotionally and psychologically abused for years, while I have done the lion share of everything. I have allowed it too happen, (my role).
He became so codependant the last couple of years, it finally drained my bones, blood and spirit. All the passive aggression and condescending remarks, the shirked responsibilities towards me, our home, he drained me dry. Basically he has abandoned me. Yesterday, after giving him a letter telling him how I felt, and telling him I can't live with him anymore he left. It was weird; my first feeling was fear, anxiety, but didn't I get what I asked for?
Not really. Not that way, right? All he thinks of is himself. I decided after calling the sheriff, to wait 48 hours if he doesn't ring me. He's playing the game now of, "I'll show her"! He's been gone over 24 hours, not answering his cell, (as of course I am concerned about his welfare). I just want to know he's ok, or course. I still love him. Common courtesy, healthy relating, owning his actions, is just not on his radar screen. He stopped making efforts to promote the marriage for years. It can get real lonely.
I just know we need to find a modern, creative way to stay married, (I am totally dependant on his income).
And, for now, I can't live with him, at least for a chunk of time. I must detox, recharge, regroup, redefine what I want now.
Coming home after my Bible study last night to the empty house was strange; I felt all sorts of emotions--guilt, sadness mostly. But the more I pray, and think on it, fear has kept me in this unhappy situation too long. It is time for me to let go of ALL my fears, and stand on God's promises, and hand all my marital issues over too Him. I have done ALL I can to help my spouse; my helping him so much has created way too much dependence upon me, keeping him from functioning as best that he can. Remember gals, we are NOT super heros! If we don't take care of ourselves, we are not honoring ourselves, God, or our loved ones. It has helped me greatly to be around positive, loving friends, and knowing we can decide for ourselves when enough is enough. God bless everyone going through these times! I hope to sleep better tonight.
Any creative living style ideas, please, please comment.
Blessings and thanks!

March 20, 2015 - 8:25pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Ouch...happened so fast...hope you find your new footing very soon...but things should get better quickly...so glad you are no longer being taken advantage of.

March 24, 2015 - 10:08pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I am sorry you have go through this. We can wait until things become totally unbearable or fall apart before we address them. Couples counseling with your pastoral services or a professional might have helped you both from becoming so codependent.

Telling him you could no longer live with things how they were, might have been more useful to you both than that you can no longer live with him...unless that is totally true...But that IS what you asked for even if you did not prepare yourself for it... If I understand you correctly...you did not ask him to change specific behaviors that have taken the place of understanding, appreciation and cooperation. And you did not plan for your financial self if the change did not happen... So now you are reeling. But I supoort you in no longer taking abuse especially while you have been care-giving. He might not come back so prepare yourself for the lifestyle change. If he contacts you explain you could not go on as it was but would be open to real negotiations...and will probably will need a third party and time to change the entrenched patterns. Now it's up to you...no more blame...just constructive action. I dont believe you should be shamed for taking a stand though...how ever ill thought through. Sue Sita

March 23, 2015 - 10:12pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

He is better off without you. God help you if you ever need his help. I hope he remembers how YOU pushed him away. You chose this.

Do you really expect a dying man to blow sunshine at a wife that does this?? You feel guilty because you are.

March 23, 2015 - 9:25am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Anonymous,
I feel sad for your misunderstanding and bitterness. I feel even more sad that you make reference "God help you" in such a negative way. Guess what...God has helped, loved, and guided all well-spouses. To be a well-spouse for an hour, still is more than anyone can fathom. I could pretty confidentially guess you have never taken care of a chronically ill person. I too am married to some one with MS.

With that said: to "Anonymous" on her high horse and more importantly to the original writer of the letter: I understand. I am there. The personality is so different. My husband became sick 4 years into our marriage and he is not the same man. I too am struggling with very difficult decisions about our future as a couple. Surround yourself with friends and family that get it and don't worry about what other people think. Take care of your husband, and if you leave, leave him respectfully and in a good position in taking care of his health.

Respectfully

March 24, 2015 - 9:08pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Well said

March 24, 2015 - 10:09pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Really...Who are you to tell anyone how they should or shouldn't feel. Do you personally know her, do you know the things that she has gone through in her relationship with this man, or the feelings that she has felt each day as a result of it? I'm pretty sure that the only thing you know is the very small part of her story that she has chosen to share with us on this page, a page that exists to offer support, compassion, and encouragement to people who are struggling with similar situations, not a page to pass judgement on someone regarding a situation that you know nothing about! So the next time you want to spit mean and hateful words in someone else's face, do it some place else and at least have the balls to own up to it, ANONYMOUS!

March 24, 2015 - 9:24am
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