Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

i can totally relate. 4 years ago my husband suffered a massive heart attack. Come to find out he has 2 different heart disease and 3 kinds of lung disease. we havent been intimate in almost 2 years. There are times when he is really mean to me. Part of me wants to leave rather than watch him waste away. Im at a loss and im dying inside. It is both phyically and mentally exhausting.

i can totally relate. 4 years ago my husband suffered a massive heart attack. Come to find out he has 2 different heart disease and 3 kinds of lung disease. we havent been intimate in almost 2 years. There are times when he is really mean to me. Part of me wants to leave rather than watch him waste away. Im at a loss and im dying inside. It is both phyically and mentally exhausting.

Wow! There are a lot of us, aren't there? I am 46 and a newlywed. My husband and I have been married for a few months. He was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks after we said "I do". Since then our relationship/marriage has taken a nose dive.
He lashes out about every little thing. Directs his aggression towards me but then tells me not to take it personally. He complains constantly and is always angry. When I tell him that he makes me feel bad, he says that I always make everything about me.
I walk on eggshells constantly. Even during the good times; he will unexpectedly turn on me. He was not like this at all before the diagnosis.
And to compound the issue we've only been living together since the wedding. So we have the cancer to contend with as well as getting used to cohabiting.

I am sad and scared! He has only just started treatment. THE HARD PART HASN'T EVEN BEGUN! and I am ready to throw in towel!
He has already prepped me; saying, with treatment, he may become depressed and distant and is concerned about how I will react.
I feel like a cannot win! I try and be understanding and sympathetic. I do everything around the house. I work full time (I have to keep the insurance). And have a teenage daughter. I cannot tell any friends or family that after only a few months of marriage, I am ready to leave my husband with cancer.
I feel stuck, lonely and very sad.
Lately all I feel like doing is vomiting and crying.

I hope you don't mind me asking but have you suffered from cognitive changes and mood swings, if so do you have any ideas of how you deal with the changes both practically and emotionally? I know this is a tough question but despite your health issues you sound as if you are living life :-) xx

Hi, I am a man whos wife left over me having MS . A little different then your husband, I have a slight limp and poor sight in one eye is all but my ex said she felt trapped because of it also. We were married 18 years , 4 kids , plenty of money , plenty of great sex and still do on occasion with her. Her leaving in away helped me become healthier and restart my life . MS is a tough disease that messes with your head . He probably loves you very much but is maybe trying to push you away because he feels guilt or lost his identity and dosent want you to go through that. I felt that way for a couple years. Leaving him is totally understandable. Might be good for both of you. I can say I would have stayed by her side no matter what but probably would have left also. Sometimes its just not meant to be forever. I still got MS but fit as I was when I was in my 20s , date a lot, raise our youngest 2 daughters by myself , have been successful and happy. My ex has asked to come back but for me its to late for that . Your not a bad person for wanting to leave. I will say though that my EXs life hasn't been all that great since she left and has told me she regrets it . I figure we had some great years and have no regrets. You got to do what feels right. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't . Sounds like he needs a wake up call if this has been going on for years. Good luck to you! :)

I'm surprised to see that so many people are in similar situations with Ill spouses. My husband and I have been together for almost 13 years now. Shortly after we got married, he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, and hypertension. I work in the medical field, so I was fully aware of the long term effects that these conditions would have on his health. However, I thought that he (like most people in this situation) would step up and try to take better care of himself to prevent, or at least delay, the decline in his health. I was wrong. Instead, he continues to eat sugary foods, and his diabetes has brought on gastroparesis from the nerve damage. Unfortunately, he is the bread winner in our household, and has missed a lot of time from work this year, and is now at risk for losing his job. On one hand, I feel sorry for him and try to make sure that he's taken care of, but on the other hand, I am a little resentful because he could have done a much better job of managing his diabetes, and may not have wound up in this situation (at least not at the young age of 42). I am only 35 years old, but feel much older from all the worrying and staying at home on summer weekends when we should be out doing something fun. I still love my husband, but am also thinking about divorce...with the way he stays in bed all day, I feel like I am alone so much of the time. Yes, I feel guilty, but I am now focusing on taking care of myself and preparing for the tough road ahead; I'm unhappy with our marriage and would like to move on, but also worry that the divorce may cause him to spiral deeper into depression.

It's so nice to read these messages, not that would wish your situations on you but that I'm not alone in how I feel. My partner has ms and although is mobile, his mood swings are a nightmare. It's usually when he isn't feeling well and I understand that, but it's just so hard to move on when he is feeling better....the love that I have for him is getting damaged every time and finding out hard to switch back into our previous relationship when he is back to his normal self. I feel like I am falling out of love or maybe it's just putting my barriers up when he is bad...we have young children too which means I have to keep going and try and keep everything normal. Everything seems so dark at the moment can't image what the future is going to hold but really hope it gets better soon.wow feels good to unload! Keep strong people xx

Hello:
My wife was diagnosed with MS the same year we got married. It has not been easy . Her mood swings were at their worst when steroid treatments were being done. My story's of what has been going on are very similar to all of you . I'm truly at a breaking point. I feel so alone some times. Then at times she will say the same thing to me. I feel like a walking punching bag to say the least. During recent arguments she constantly bring up a divorce. We've been married for four years and for those years I struggled my tail off to give her what she needs. When I think about leaving her I feel like a scum bag but yet she throws it in my face as a dagger of some sort. They say that MS changes you and I get that. I've seen the changes in her in a short time and I'm trying to roll with it , I just don't know how much longer I'm willing to play the caretaker,emotional caretaker,punching bag, breadwinner, husband. You story's have been helpfull. Thanks