Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

My husband was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. It changed his personality and before diagnosis, I was ready to leave him. The doctor put him on anti depressants and his mood improved and 2 years later, he was diagnosed with LBD, nasty disease. Try treating your spouse with compassion. Tell them you know it is hard but you love them and will together to live the best you can. Pain does terrible things and interferes with the thought process.
Good luck.

I understand your situation and, come to find out, I really didn't know that so many women were dealing with this sort of thing. My husband of 7 years was recently diagnosed with COPD and now we found out that he has an arrhythmia and he can barely get around the house without having severe heart palpitations and shortness of breath. He also has scoliosis. He can't watch our 3-year-old daughter because he can't keep up with her and he's very negative all the time. The pity party is hard to bare. I work two jobs and still can barely make enough money to feed us. I definitely can't afford to pay our bills and we are living with a friend of his. He's constantly making comments about how he wishes we had more money and it feels like he's bad mouthing me for not being able to make more. I have to take anti-depressants because I can't handle this situation but he doesn't even care. Everything has to be about him all the time. Our relationship has always been about him and now it's ten times worse because of his illnesses and I feel very unappreciated and trapped.
All I can think to tell you is hang on until you absolutely can't any longer. It's like getting caught in a rip tide. Just hang on to whatever you can and if you have to let go just try not to get smashed against the rocks. Hopefully, somehow, the terror will be over soon.

I can totaly relate to the woman who husband is mean and angry all the time due to his illnesses. My husband of 26 years has always had health problems and 18 yrs ago was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Today there is that and diabetes, high blood pressure, hearing loss, skin disorders and so much more I have lost tract. He is on 15 different medication and I think they are the problem. The doc does'nt want to take him off any until he loses weight. It has been so hard for most of my marriage, I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I feel it's all about him and his problems. Kids are almost gone now and I see my future as this and worse. I have tried to talk to him and all he wants to do say he can't. But really he won't he is so negative. I grieve in my heart for what could have been and he can't see past his own pity party to see my pain. He also destroyed our finances years ago, so i have no funds to leave. What I do have is a God who loves me, even if no one else does. He has agreed to counseling, so maybe he will go... I pray for everyone here. I understand, truely...

I have a story of my own to add. I'm 31 and recently moved across the country with my boyfriend, who is 25 and type 1 diabetic suffering from neuropathy and gastroparesis. He is in pain most of the time, but I find he fights me whenever I try to offer support or take some of the workload off of him.

The problem is, when he's feeling fine, he's great to me - but when he's having a bout of pain, he is the worst person I've ever met in my life. He says the most horrible, nonsensical, baseless things to me in the heat of the moment and I've been dealing with it for the last 4 months - including the long drive across the country.

For the last 6-7 months, I have been the only person supporting us. His father has helped us in many ways, but he has not. He's never feeling good enough to look for a job - and yet, all I hear are promises that "one day" he will pay for something or pay me back, etc. I wouldn't mind if it weren't for the fact that my only income is unemployment insurance and it doesn't even cover my own bills. I've had to let my credit cards go unpaid because I can't find a job and we don't have other income. I've put myself in a terrible spot just to be with him and it sucks when I feel like most of the time, I am not appreciated.

I don't really know what to do because I'm an anxious/depressed person in general and am bipolar and don't see a doctor like I need to (don't have the $$ and charity care is a nightmare to try and start as a new resident). This is too much for me. I thought moving to his parents where we have our own space, but still have them around - would help some... but only in that I don't have to cook him small meals all day. He really is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with all of this - i love him to pieces, but I don't know what to do!

I'm a husband who is dying from cancer - six months to live. All the pain, operations and side effect issues (heart attacks, upper GI bleeding, perforated intestine, anal surgery ..." and all the pain pills that alter a persons moods and emotions, I have had several episodes of being verbally abusive to my wife. She so doesn't deserve any of it; she has been an angle to me through all of this.
I made a promise to her to never to it again tonight. I get no pleasure out of being mean to her, I feel so bad afterwards, and I pride myself on a man who can control his own emotions and actions.
In the question of the person asking for advice in her situations, I would suggest she will only find her answer by searching in her own mind and emotions. She may find she has been wanting to leave him for some time now, and is looking for reasons why it's her husbands fault and that would justify her leaving him. His increasing rudeness and lack of talking with her may be just how he is reacting to the knowledge that his wife resents him and doesn't love him anymore.

This forum is so depressing! I think we all have to try and do what works for us individually. There is no right answer or one answer. I am a 55 year old fibromyalgia wife, mother and working person and my husband has had diabetes for 20 years. He is not functioning brain wise and has recently got us into an intensely bad financial state. We also have a 30 year old who has auto immune deficiency leaning towards lupus or fibromyalgia. The other daughter of 25, has MS symptoms. Needless to say what kind of a house we live in. It seems society has put us sick people in a box to care for each other. There are not many helps and I am too busy to care or indulge. I have recently been fired from my job, have a debt to the bank, and have trouble making my way let alone help my family. I feel like my Titanic is sinking! So I pray a lot, read these forums to know I am not alone in the world and once in a while I get a scrap of goodness thrown my way. I still want to wash down the cupboards of a friend who has left her sick husband and has life threatening cancer. It is a bit much but I try to take what life throws at me. I am learning to walk on water, listen to supreme music and knit my brains out for family, friends and charity. I like to hear good news that my nephew won bronze in a provincial championship with a squadron of Cadets in rifle accuracy. I still care for my mother who lives in a home. And provide tea and sympathy for my divorced brother. My brother in law has no kidneys, lost brain function and hasn't much time left. I think it will work out right in the end. I am ready to go and God has a big heart for losers like me. I can still drive, paint, play guitar, knit, create, interior decorate to some degree and keep my house really clean. Life is good! I make the best soup, loaves, teas, grow plants in my house, and have a green thumb. My yard is an eyesore but it makes me happy. Lotsa love to all those suffering people with untreatable diseases. You will be OK but like my mother in law says, "It's damn close"!

I've been in a relationship with a guy for the past 6 years, it started when I was 15 and I am now 21. He is 24 and although we've always had a deep connection, he's never agreed to marry me. I never understood why and decided to break up with him a few days ago, however, it was just then that he told me he has been diagnosed with MS, and the reason he doesn't want us to be together is because he doesn't want me to have a life in which I will have to give up living fully to look after him and the family.
A week ago I was ready to leave him, but now I feel like I can't leave him. I always thought that I loved him more than he loved me, so that made it easier to leave. After finding out this news I'm now confused. Do I listen to him and let him go and hope he'll be ok? I'd feel like such a terrible person if I do that. I feel like I love him so much, is my love for him not strong enough to marry him? How bad could MS possibly be? I don't know what to do right now. :(

To the anonymous narscinist who wrote to the lady with fibro who,s husband left her when she got sick. May God have mercy on you when your day comes for health problems. We all have our day when our health stats failing, just some of us are unlucky and it comes earlier in life. To say a sick person destroys a spouses dreams and their life when they get sick so it,s o.k to leave them is about as sick as it gets.
One day I am sure you will suffer long and hard and all alone, as no one else would deserve it more.
Do all women a favor and stay single,don,t trap anyone!