Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

I had a child by a man that I had dated for a few months, and when I we found out I was pregnant he insisted that he move in with me. The relationship has been rocky from the beginning--money issues, but the biggest problem was he neglected to tell me about his history of heart failure which he had been diagnosed with 10 years prior. He told me his daily medication was simply for high blood pressure. I found out about his true illness 2 years after he moved in with me AT the hospital after he took himself to the emergency room. Despite feeling deceived I stayed with him after he recovered for the sake of our child. Then 2 years later he ended up back in the hospital after NOT making any of the lifestyle changes that his doctor told him to. He ended having a heart pump put in and then a stroke. After struggling alone with a small child I finally called his seemingly unconcerned family and said I need help. The crazy, unemployed, alcoholic brother was the only one willing to come--and he has made the situation more stressful than it already with his drinking and paranoia. The rest of the family has been telling my child's father that he shouldn't trust me, etc...meanwhile he is on my health insurance, hasn't paid any household bills or childcare even before he got sick on top of the earlier deceptions about his health and finances, and the occasional physical abuse early in the relationship. Oh and while, he's not providing for his child, he has turned over all of his money to his alcoholic brother who has spent every penny.

I was in counseling after 25 years of an unhappy marriage. My husband had been verbally and emotionally abusive since our engagement, but I had been too timid to break it off. Over the years, he insisted on making all the major decisions: where we would live, when we would have or not have children, where they would go to school, how we would manage our finances. He would not allow me to pursue my interests or have a job. His temper was frightful and sometimes I worried that the children would tell their teachers at school things he said to them, and we'd be in trouble. Once our teenage son asked if he could please be treated better at home. It made me cry, and he said, "Don't worry, Mom, it's not you." Finally, when my children were older, I started working and planned to leave him once our youngest graduated from high school. 5 months before her graduation, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I stayed to take care of him, and really tried to make the marriage work. Now, 2 years later, he in in remission, and I can't seem to be happy here. I keep remembering the many grossly unfair situations he put me in during our marriage. We are more like roommates than spouses. We sleep in separate rooms and are not intimate. Yes he refuses to believe I was ever unhappy, and pretends that everything is normal between us. He is semi-retired and obsessed about our house, so I can never leave anything out of place or I won't be able to find it when I get home. I work 10 to 12 hours a day and keep myself as busy as possible as a way to try to avoid feeling my unhappiness. I try not to show how I feel for fear of making him ill again, but I grow more desperate every day to begin a life of my own.
Regarding the story at the beginning of this thread, I sympathize with you completely. I do not know the answer to your dilemma. Nor do I know the answer to my own. All I know is that I've never been allowed to be happy, and that doesn't seem right. Sacrifice is one thing, but eventually we must consider when we are damaging ourselves. Once we've done enough damage to ourselves, we can't be of much help to a sick spouse. How does one strike the balance and keep everyone healthy? I wish I knew.
Best wishes to you, and to everyone who struggles as I do.

Dear persons with sick spouses,
I can feel for all of you. My wife has been ill for more than 5 years. The diagnosis of Lupus was difficult to make, and took at least 2 years of doctor visits and tests. In part, because of her illness, I lost my job, and had to find another job in another city. I commute back to see her on the weekends. Fortunately, she is considerably better than when she was first ill. She seems comfortable in the family home, yet after some years of commuting, I know that the life that I now live is not an ideal one. Much physical intimacy has been lost. When we talk about our relationship, it is clear that she is filled with ill feelings toward me and others. This is in large part due to years of frustration and ill health. Also due to some age-old issues that are magnified by her illness. There are few answers, and little of a middle ground. As a spouse of a sick wife, you are either all in or all out. I'm still all in. Can I continue to commute for many more years? I've been unsuccessful in finding a job in our "home city". Things are better than they used to me, in large part because see is improved from years earlier.

to the person with fibromyalgia no one cares. no one has to stay with you. marriage is not slavery and everyone does not take the same vows. you people who get sick ruin the dreams of those who are not . we had dreams when we entered marriage with you and now your sickness destroyed that.
your spouse is not obligated to stay with you and be your nurse. get over it he did not want to throw his lifes dreams away for you. simple

These posts sicken me. How dare any of you leave your spouse when they need you the most!! I am appalled at all of you. I have fibromyalgia and my husband left me and my 2 daughters all alone. I will never forgive him. Marriage is through sickness and health not just HEALTH!!!