Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

Anonymous-so sorry your in-laws are such backstabbers, but I wouldn't waste any more time worrying about what they think or say. We can't please everybody in this world and not everyone will approve of our actions, so I guess in the end, all that really matters is that we are true to ourselves. From what you have said here, I would say your move was a good one. I wish you well. And on a last note, don't you find it rather strange that even his OWN family has not reached out to him? Yet they expected you to keep helping him? One thing you said...I didn't see leaving a sick husband as an option, so I literally almost died...that is ME.

I posted a few days ago--separated from my sick husband who was also addicted to pain medication. I've read the last couple of posters and feel for both of you! You used many of the same words--"depleted", "depressed" , "no joy" , etc. that I have used and feel. But you said reading others posts made you think if THEY can endure, you can too. I thought I could too, but after 8 years, and especially after his behavior became abusive, I finally broke. I would have rather died than live in that situation anymore--and I didn't see leaving an ill husband as even an option--so I literally almost died.
Now I'm separated--have asked him for a divorce (he says no) and I feel horribly guilty. But I am also alive--and looking forward to having a life again! It was encouraging to see the original poster is faring well after her hard decision last year. Only you know if you can endure--but prepare yourself to find another way if it means saving your own life...
And to Redwood Girl, I hope your in-laws stay sweet. I thought I had a great relationship with mine as well. They knew about their sons addiction, and his mother asked me several times if I wanted to leave him--she didn't blame me.
I moved out--sent his parents and his brothers and their wives a letter--detailing the reasons I had to get away-- (physical and verbal abuse) and asking them to help-- I said I had run out of solutions-- he hasn't listened to his doctors or to me--and I didn't know how else to help him. I thought maybe his parents would come check on him (they live in another state) or a brother or two might check on him or invite him to come stay with them a week.
NOT ONE of them called me or responded in any way. It's been 9 weeks now. No one has come to his aid. After nearly 23 years in that family, no one has asked me if I'm ok. My husband says his mom talks bad about me all the time for moving out....
It makes me sad for both of us.
I hope your relationships have happier endings!

I just found this site too, and like everyone else I'm amazed at how therapeutic it is to read everyone's stories. I also have a story to tell. My husband has two conditions, neither of which are probably life-threatening but both of which may be chronic: he is a recovering alcoholic, and he has chronic stomach ache/nausea/vomiting. And he's unemployed. He started drinking at the age of twelve, right about the time his parents divorced after his mom had either a nervous breakdown or came down with schizophrenia. He was a frequent drinker when we met in 1985, and he continued to drink and may have drank even more heavily for many years until he finally mostly but not completely quit and de-toxed in 2002.

Four years ago his job was becoming incredibly unpleasant and he wanted to quit; after a lot of discussions we agreed that would be ok, I was making enough money to support us for a while, and he agreed he'd start looking for work within three months. Three months turned into six months turned into nine months, and then the chronic stomach problems started. He'd had stomach problems every now and then as long as I'd known him, but now it started becoming almost every day. After a lot of waiting thinking it would just get better, then a lot of talking about what to do, and frankly a lot of foot-dragging from him, including multiple appts that he canceled at the last minute due to not feeling good which set us back months each time, then after a lot of doctors and exams and tests, about five months ago his gastroenterologist said his stomach had a ton of shallow "lesions", basically low-grade ulcers, but these were wide and there were a lot of them, which were almost certainly causing the stomach pain and nausea and vomiting. He said it was probably from all the years of heavy drinking and my husband had to stop drinking completely for his stomach to heal, and take some Prilosec daily. My husband agreed to stop drinking and take the pills every day.

Fast forward to today: we are not sure he's getting any better, and my husband's previously rare-to-intermittent jerkiness became much more frequent. For the time I'm at home, he's either sick, or asleep, or he's being a complete jerk, or (what's kept me with him during his sickness) he's really smart and perceptive and creative and he's a really good cook who loves to make yummy food . He may spend days in a row active and seeming staying busy with chores and making lunch for himself and dinner for me every night. Or he may spend days being completely lethargic, just sitting on the sofa surfing and watching tv; on these days when I ask him what the problem is, he either won't say anything, or he would just say he didn't feel very good. He becomes like a brick wall and nothing goes in or out. And then there are the times where he gets into a phase or mood where he sleeps almost non-stop for two or three or even four days straight. He barely eats, barely talks to me, barely does anything; he may get up for an hour or two and then go right back to sleep. He has agreed to pick me up when it's dark when work is over, but when he's in that phase he forgets to come pick me up at work. He does not call me to let me know what is going on, and he does not respond to my phone calls. Later when I'm angry at having been forgotten about, he denies he forgot about me, he says he was just sleeping.

Nearly every day, unless he's sleeping all day anyway, he takes a two to four-hour afternoon/evening nap, during which he is completely inaccessible, and he usually does not let me know when he is going down for a nap. Even on days where he's not sleeping all day long, sometimes he doesn't sound entirely cogent; he may say things that don't make much sense, or he doesn't say them loud enough for me to hear them then gets irritated when I don't respond, or he may get excessively angry at some minor incident.

He denies he is depressed and absolutely will not see a doctor about getting evaluated for depression or bipolar disease or any mental problem. He is seemingly uninterested in getting better; he will not research his symptoms on the internet, despite multiple suggestions from me. He will not contact any AA groups because of their emphasis on God and he will not investigate any alternatives.

I think his attitude issues and the incredible amounts of sleeps he seems to need are either all related to the stomach problems, or to some other disease or syndrome that's really underlying the stomach problems, or they're due to "post acute withdrawal syndrome"; I've read that many recovering alcoholics have can experience mental and behavioral issues for years after withdrawing completely from alcohol. After I read about it a bit some of the behaviors started sounding very familiar, including lack of memory and concentration, and the tendency to get angry at minor things. I have begun to think of him as having some brain damage and to not impose any additional obligations on him if I don't absolutely have to.

Tonight though I am pretty close to looking for a new place to live. This has just become real unpleasant. Our cat just got diagnosed with hyperthyoidism and my husband seems unable to follow the instructions on how to give her her medicine, so I said I would just do it from now on, and he got very angry, then went to sleep. I was tired and had had a bit of a long day at work and was hoping we could have a nice dinner together but apparently that's not in the cards tonight. I would willingly give him $800/mo alimony if I didn't have to live here anymore. It would break his heart though. It's almost like he's got multiple personalities; if I tell him when he's in this state, it won't make any sense to him, and if I wait until he's cogent and "normal" again, he won't remember being like this and my anger won't make any sense to him. I've told him multiple times in the past year especially how unhappy I am, how unpleasant life has become, how stressed out I am because I can't take any vacations without him either being sick or me calling him to find out he's sick. But I don't think it's clear to him that I'm ready to leave.

I've been meeting privately with his parents who live nearby to let them know how he is medically and to let them know how strained our marriage has become and how unpleasant and stressful our lives have become. His parents are very fond of me and we have a very good relationship; they have been very supportive and have said they are willing to help out in any way they can. It's possible that getting my husband to go to a therapist or psychiatrist would help, and it's possible that his parents and I together can compel him to go. I think he would be fighting it every step of the way. And I'm not entirely sure that's the answer.

Well this turned into a bit of a novel! Anyway, in a way, I thank the goddess we don't have kids because that would really complicate this. I thank the universe I have a well-paying job that I enjoy so that we're not starving on one income. And I thank the stars for living in an area with plenty of other fun options to do when I don't want to be at home, and that I have such sweet in-laws.

I just found this site as I was looking for help in regard to this very same issue! I see the comments are from '09, wish I would have found you sooner. I have read through quite a few of the posts and am amazed to find there are people living in the same situation as I. Most days I feel so alone and isolated and I never imagined there were others living (surviving) daily as I do. I felt like I was reading something that I wrote myself...How could I possibly leave him? What would everyone think? Would that make me a horrible person? How will he survive without my help? What if he dies shortly after I leave, how guilty would I feel then? And of course there is the...we can't afford a divorce! So here I stay. I work a full-time and a part-time job while we have two teenagers at home. I am responsible for everything but taking care of the checkbook. He can't work and doesn't help. I clean, cook, do laundry, run errands, take care of birthdays/holidays, doctor/dentist appts, school activities, it's all on me. On top of this I am now trying to help my elderly parents. I am physically, mentally and emotionally depleted. There is no fun, there is no joy. I'm short on rest, high on stress and very depressed with nothing to look forward to but more of the same, day after day after day. I'm so sorry there are others in the same situation, but thank you for writing about it. Just knowing there are others pulling the same load somehow helps. If they can endure, then I guess I can too.

I am the original writer that started this thread. I left my spouse in February last year. Although I experienced guilt after leaving him because I knew that financially he would have difficulties and that he wouldn't have anyone to care for him, I was able to find peace. I'm not saying that the same will happen for you, but I can say that after over a year of being apart and now that my divorce has been finalized, things have fallen together. I am paying alimony for the next 4 years to a tune of $800 per month. It doesn't even bother me. My son and I have started over, he is adjusting well and I have had wonderful support from family and friends. I've started a new job, have continued on in school and have started dating. I no longer dread going home knowing that I will be verbally and emotionally abused. I am finding myself and actually finding out that there is so much more to my life than I had realized. I am happy and at peace. I hope that whatever decisions that you make that you are able to let go of the guilt and anxiety that comes with it and embrace your future. Good luck to you! It is not an easy road to travel, but it was so well worth it.

hi...this is the same poster--i just realized i somehow left out the major event of his kidney and pancreas transplant seven years ago...the first year he had dialysis, which was hell-on-earth for him, and the remaining years are the ones full of complications from the illnesses and double transplant...

Wow--just found this site and it has been really therapeutic reading other's experiences with their ill spouse. I recently separated from my husband of more than 22 yrs....the last eight have been really tough with his illnesses. I am struggling daily with the desire to divorce versus the guilt of leaving a sick man and breaking up our family. The first 15 years of our marriage were strong with good careers and a happy family, even though he was a juvenile diabetic. He took his two shots a day and never missed a day of work. What we thought happened to "other folks" who were sicker and older happened to him at 40--kidney failure. He has had multiple complications and has been severely depressed. I have pretty much had to do everything the past 8 years--and slid into a dark depression myself. About three years ago a dr. prescribed him paid meds and he quickly became addicted...it took me a long time to figure out what was going on as he was sleeping 20 hours a day (on "good" days) and then would be enraged for a few days--mean and irrational...(threatening me, choked me once) After taking him to the ER for a CT to see if he had a brain tumor--we figured out it was withdrawal. (He had two scripts from two different doctors who didn't know about each other--but would still run out too early and couldn't get his pain meds refilled) I begged for help from his doctors who told him to go to a pain management clinic. He refused. I was laid off at my job and couldn't see any option for my family other than finding a way to die so they would at least have my life insurance. I didn't see leaving my husband as an option. It all sounds so dramatic--and I'm sure many would say a "hysterical woman" but that is where i was. After a trip to the ER myself after taking too many pills and with the help of some good friends--I hung on, determined to take care of my husband and family. one of the friends was a high school buddy from almost 30 years ago who offered a part-time job (on computer/phone) since I was still unemployed. It wasn't much, but he also helped pull me out of that dark pit, and realize how crazy it was to be more willing to die myself than to get out of an abusive, miserable situation. He lives several states away, but a year and a half later--the longtime friendship has become much more--which adds to my guilt--but also I have to credit this relationship with giving me some hope and literally saving my life. I have a deep faith which is hard for me to reconcile with all that is happening--WHY could I not rely on God instead of another man? (Did God send this person to help me?) How can I divorce an ill husband? I moved into a temporary place a couple of months ago after some very bad episodes-- I had given him an ultimatum to go to inpatient treatment or I would leave-- I took him to an inpatient program and he left after less than 24 hours. Now his dr. won't see him again since he wouldn't stay. he has been detoxing on his own, and is remorseful. I have two college-aged kids and one 13 year old daughter who all want me just to return and take care of their dad regardless. I want to run far away --it's hard to desire going back to the care-giver/patient relationship--no intimacy in 8 years--he doesn't /can't work (I believe he could do a part-time job) He does receive disability. It's hard for me to justify leaving him (even though I believe there is plenty of "cause") when I can't see any future for him--what would he do? His family hasn't stepped in to help him at all--even though I sent his parents and siblings a letter detailing the problems and asking for help. Not ONE of them has contacted me--no one has come to see him in two months or offered for him to come see them. I have been seeing a counselor, and we have gone together a few times. This is progress for him because he has refused counseling for years--but by the time I had given him the ultimatum to go to inpatient therapy or I was moving out-- I was so depleted...so DONE. I can't help but think by hanging on and going to counseling I am only extending the anguish and misery of everyone....especially my own!