Improved
6112 HealthChanged
3786 LivesSaved
3568 Lives1 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More
A couple of days ago, a woman wrote to me in the "ASK Michelle" section and told me her heartfelt, honest, and I think heart-wrenching story about her ill husband, who has multiple sclerosis, and the very real difficulties about living with someone who has changed in so many ways over the years. Many of the changes have affected his personality and made him very difficult to live with at times. I wrote her back and told her how I could totally see where she was coming from in terms of her emotions, and that I understood what she was saying. But I also wanted to post her story here (see below), so others could see it and reply to her and give her more suggestions, support and a sense of hope and that she is not alone. Please, if anyone has anything they'd like to tell her, I would really appreciate it--I'm sending her this link so she can watch for more replies. For example, do you know of another woman who has gone through this, and/or do you know of any resources for her? Thank you everyone!
"I am a 37year old female, well educated and completely healthy. I married my husband 8 years ago, knowing that he has multiple sclerosis. He was a vibrant, fun, clever and interesting person. Over the past 8 years, he has physically deteriorated (developed seizures, incontinence, difficulty walking distances, had a pulmonary embolism and now suffers from depression (but who wouldn't)). He no longer works, he stays home and does some household chores, is obsessed with our finances (we are doing ok), is mean and angry, hardly talks to me, hasn't held me or made love to me in years and honestly I don't even think that he likes me. I really think that I could deal with the physical limitations, it's the emotional stuff that is wearing me down. I've been seeing a counselor who asks me "How much more are you willing to take?" and I just don't know anymore. I'm so lonely and feel so trapped. He refuses to see a counselor or psychiatrist. I feel like an awful person for even thinking of leaving him, but I'm so unhappy that I don't know what else to do. I guess my question is "what kind of woman leaves a sick spouse?"
All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.
Add a Comment550 Comments
I hear this kind of message all the time and think "why do liberals simultaneously claim to be concerned about women's issues, yet blame women when they are struggling with those very issues?" Your post essentially shames this woman for her beliefs without knowing anything about where she comes from. You also did disrespect her belief system by denying it and telling her she should change. I think empathy is more useful. She is also BEGGING people not to do exactly what you have done. You are not being helpful. You are being critical.
December 17, 2016 - 10:50amThis Comment
Thank you for answering! I at least feel heard! No, my religion doesn't keep me down, it lifts me up! I'm pretty strong, but the lack of tenderness and love has knocked me down. I am so alone. I know there are other women out there just like me. If I were as sick as my husband, who knows what I would feel, or do. Just thinking ....
October 17, 2016 - 7:11pmThanks again for your response. You helped me, whether you know it or not.
This Comment
Thanks to everyone posting here- i don't feel so alone at this very minute. I beg to God to help me every day to find strength to keep going with my situation and all these other thoughts are rushing in wishing it would be over, wishing i wasn't the one having to be responsible for this profoundly disabled person and wishing i could escape- and then feeling so very guilty when they are the one that can't move or talk. I don't live with my spouse who is in care and doesn't like it and i feel so very guilty that this is my fault- and spouse doesn't try to make me not feel guitly. So feel angry as well as all the other emotions. I wish there was so happiness to look forward to but where is it?
October 30, 2016 - 10:55pmThis Comment
I can totally relate. My husband had 2 heart attacks and then a double lung transplant, then another heart attack. He is not abusive verbally or physically but quite the opposite. What is so hard to deal with in my situation is the fact that he has lost his will to live. He sits around and does virtually nothing. Some household chores and cardiac rehab. He has now been like this for 3 years and it is starting to wear me down. I leave instead of staying home which complies the situation because he never complains about me not being there. So when I have thoughts of leaving I feel guilty because he's the one who is sick. I believe in my marriage vows but my emotional needs are not being met and topped off with watching him go through this is very very difficult.
September 19, 2016 - 3:12pmThis Comment
Six years ago my husband had a heart transplant after having a massive heart attack and years of congestive heart failure. He is twelve years my senior. I am fifty-nine. He has never tried to watch his diet or take his health seriously after the transplant. He takes his meds like he should, but nothing else. I feel like my life has been nothing but caregiving since I was a young person. I looked after my grandmother, my dad and my mother. The three of them finally had to go to nursing care, but I still had to check on them until they passed away. My husband gives me absolutely no emotional support. I just had to close a small business I owned because of financial issues and I am now home all of the time. I absolutely feel trapped. He has me on an allowance and wants me to go back to work somewhere. I have rheumatoid arthritis and have chronic pain. I wish daily that I could just get in my car and keep driving. I'm not close to my sister or her family and I have no kids. If it weren't for finances I would leave. I just want some kind of life for myself. I certainly understand your emotional needs not being met. I'm treated like a maid and nurse, and I don't want either job!
October 27, 2016 - 7:13pmThis Comment
Hello, First I would like to admit I did not read all of the comments that were shared, but a few of them really took me by surprise. Just remember your story is in a public arena. I have been dating a man for appr. 6 months and 2 months ago was diagnosed with cancer and through all the numerous test's and procedures we have found it to be throughout his body. I have at numerous times thought of splitting up, yet I still have not done that. To be in a situation like this is extremely difficult. And number 1 there is no right or wrong. Depression and isolation is normal for the sick. That being said, Being in love and in a marriage there's many (NORMALS) as well. You should not tolerate being ignored, belittled or alone. This is a tough one babe, only you can make the decision. Your NOT thinking of leaving your husband because he is sick. You are thinking of leaving him, because of the way his behavior is making you feel. There is NO RIGHT OR WRONG. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS.
September 16, 2016 - 11:55pmThis Comment
Anon-
April 14, 2017 - 9:14pmThat was an excellent reply. It's not b/c the care receiver is sick that the caregiver is contemplating leaving, but the way he makes her feel. I highly recommend reading the Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner, PhD- it's very accessible and easy to read. Also there's an excellent audio set called Marriage Rules by Lerner as well. It's helpful for HOW to say what one feels (and one must own what one feels.) Also try the Caregivers Handbook for ideas on how to deal w/ a spouse (usually) who devalues the caregiver. These books were far more helpful than the counselors I spoke with, too bad I found them after my loved one died.
This Comment
That was some awesome insight. Thanks to you, so much.
October 17, 2016 - 7:29pmjan
This Comment
What if the situation was the other way around? What if the wife was sick? Would you want your husband yo leave you? You need to help him with his depression and he will most likely start treating you better.
September 3, 2016 - 12:11amThis Comment
The other way around? I don't think you have a clue what living with a sick spouse is all about. First of all, there is NO excuse for being mean and ugly, period. He wasn't a happy person before he got sick. Soooo sorry you are so judgmental. I resent you blaming any part of this on me. I truly have been an excellent, loving wife. And, if I behaved as he has, I would expect him to leave me. See, I am a realist! Also, a kind person. Sorry you don't understand.
October 21, 2016 - 7:58pmThis Comment