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marriage..am i wrong

By December 30, 2014 - 11:50am
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I have been married little over a yr now to someone who I thought I knew off and on 12 years I am not ALLOWED to do certain things such as:
. work, not have friends, better myself losing weight.he likes me the way I am, now was recently told I don't need to shave, wear makeup....only wear eyeliner, don't need to wear my denture or do my hair. Wants me to work part time where he does n calls 7-8 times a day to see what I'm doing. I can't take much more and the kids that aren't his sees it too but can't say anything. He gets jealous over them. I have no where to go n no money to go to somewhere where I can be me again. What can u really do? Tired of walking on eggshells

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Dear eggsheller,

Thank you for joining the EmpowHER community and for sharing your question about marriage. 

I feel your pain, it sounds very discouraging and frustrating. Marriage is a complicated thing. It seems that people always put on their best face during dating and then when you get married, that mask comes off and the true person is revealed.

Often times people get married and then realize that they didn't communicate their goals, values and dreams with their spouses before the wedding day. It is very typical and happens to a lot of women.

As for your particular circumstance, it sounds like your husband likes to be in control and possibly to an unhealthy level. It is unhealthy for you and the marriage.

Try to be positive and realize there is hope, but only if you express to him that these behaviors are very hurtful and make you feel like you are walking on eggshells. The bottom line is that you will need to tell him how you feel and you might need a therapist to help you navigate the conversation in a safe and non threatening way.

Try not to give up so quickly on the marriage by looking for an escape route. Try therapy first and talking through these issues. If he is unwilling to do so-then you might need to think about a trial separation until he can get his controlling behavior worked out.

No one should tell you how you should dress, not to shave and not to wear makeup. Those are choices that you make for yourself. If he thinks you look prettier natural without makeup, then that's ok. (My husband tells me he thinks I look better without make up and in jeans and a t-shirt) BUT if you hubby wants you to dress down and not take care of yourself, then that's not healthy. The better you feel about yourself, the better a person and wife you can be.

As for not being allowed to have friends-that's just plain unacceptable. You need your friends and family for a support system for all aspects of your life. Often men will discourage this as a means of isolation so that they can have you all to themselves- again, not healthy.

I understand your feeling of wanting to be "me again."

The only way to get back to who you were before the marriage is to talk to your husband and express your feelings. If he is unwilling to compromise- then a separation might be inevitable.

Are there any signs of verbal or physical abuse at this point? If so, then you need to get help and there are many organizations that can help women who don't have a place to go or money. 

I hope this helps, let me know if you need any other advice.



December 30, 2014 - 12:17pm
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