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Mum and brother getting me down. Please help?

By January 18, 2010 - 2:14am
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I am 19 years old and moved out from my mum's house a year ago to live with my partner. My mum is divorced from my dad who lives about 40 miles away but my mum and dad have still stayed close after 13 years apart. Now my brother who is 23 is jobless after quitting his very good job 7 months ago. He has a 16 year old girfriend and they stop at my mums house making it messy and just lie in bed all day.A week ago she kicked him out and thats where all the problems started. He gets aggressive when he gets told off and he pushed my mum (in the past he has knocked her out) she is far 2 soft with him and on the weekend let him back in for a shower and change his clothes, this morning she has been on the phone 2 me saying her old wedding, engagment and enernity ring has been stolen. its so hard cause i feel like im stuck in the middle but i have my own problems, im out of work and cant get any money cause im living with my partner. But i dont want 2 leave my mum on her own cause she is heartbroken but everytime i tell her 2 just kick him out for good she says it would be to hard. He has made it pretty obvious he does not care about her to take her rings that mean the world to her and go and spend it on smoking and drinking. please help ?

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi, Since i last wrote my brother has moved out with his 16 year old girlfriend. She is a real trouble maker and has already got him beat up. My mum is alot happier since he has left but it seems im the target with my parents now. My dad wants nothing 2 do with my brother but my mum says he can still visit (although he never makes a effort even on mothers day) But in myself i feel great. I started a new job after being unemployed since last july. It seems that since my brother has left that they have just forgotten about him and are jsut pretending that im there only child! I have been engaged for nearly 2 years and they are still picking falts with my other half. Thank you for your message.

March 23, 2010 - 2:23am
(reply to Anonymous)


So glad to hear from you. I am sorry that your brother is in a bad situation, but I'm very glad that he's moved out of your mother's house. But I'm happiest that things are going well for you. Starting a new job is wonderful! May it bring you only good things. And hang in there with your other half. Your family may come around yet. :)

March 23, 2010 - 10:14am
EmpowHER Guest

Diane is right just hang in there dont forget that she needs to be careful you dont know what someone is going to do

March 19, 2010 - 10:18am

Thank you for the comments. I think its the best advice that you gave me. The police came over last night to talk to my mum and they are going to handcuff him and arrest him and leave him in a cell for a bit to worry him. Hopefully it will make him realise he has done wrong. Thank you for the comments!

January 21, 2010 - 12:45am
(reply to bexiboo)


Just wondering how you all were doing; it's been a couple of months since you last wrote. How is the situation at home? Have there been any developments? And very importantly, how are YOU doing?

March 22, 2010 - 8:56am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to bexiboo)

Bexiboo I'm really sorry about what's happened to you. But look at the positive things in life because when you attract positive things they come to you so stay and think positivley and if you do that I'm almost positive that things WILL get better.

March 19, 2010 - 12:25pm
(reply to bexiboo)


It is good that there is some authority involved in this situation, and I hope that helps you withdraw from it even more. Continue to support your mom emotionally while keeping yourself from getting involved. And if there's a chance that your brother will be violent toward your mother when he gets out of the jail cell, she needs to tell the police that she fears for her safety. And change her locks while she's at it, if he has a key.

Hang in there, Bexiboo. You have a lot of support and understanding here.

January 21, 2010 - 9:54am
EmpowHER Guest

This really does sound like an abusive situation, where your mom's being abused and exploited by your brother, Bexiboo. Your mother needs to get your brother and his girlfriend out of her house iommediately, and, since he does clearly have a tendency towards violence, she may need to enlist the help of a counselor and/or the authorities to help get rid of your brother. Even though your mother's a proud woman, her safety, health and overall welfare and well-being, and possibly her life are at stake, and she needs the kind of help in dealing with this nasty situation, which you're clearly not qualified to give her. It sounds as if the only way you can help is to be supportive of your mom in any other way that you can, however. Good luck.

January 19, 2010 - 10:28pm


I echo everything Susan said. This is a situation that is not going to get better anytime soon, and it can only hurt you to get more involved in it.

I understand pride, and I can understand why your mom might have difficulty admitting to someone else that there are problems. But keep encouraging her to think about it. This is an area where you CAN help, by reminding her that there's nothing wrong with asking for help. Clearly she's in a situation that she can't control, and she needs help in order to change that behavior. You can't help because you're too close to the situation. You might even find the name of a therapist or counselor in your area and write down the name and number for her, so she has it in case she ever has a change of heart. But for the rest of it, you have to let her deal with this on her own. You can listen, of course, but don't put yourself in the position of being a problem solver. You need to be strong just like you want your mom to be strong.

Hang in there, Bexiboo. We're here for you.

January 19, 2010 - 9:05am
HERWriter Guide


I don't think I can do better than Diane's great advice but since your update, I think it's pretty apparent that no matter how hurtful your brother is to your mom, she has a pretty high pain threshold and is likely to put with his abuse (and it IS abuse) no matter if it's hitting, stealing or using her for food and shelter.

I find it odd that your Dad and Mom are still "close" yet he has completely disengaged himself from her troubles. Perhaps he's operating on tough love and has also "detached with love".

Like Diane has said, you have to also disengage from the drama. The only reason you should be involved is if it is directly and actively affecting you in a physical or financial way. Since your pain is emotional (and I really understand why you feel this way) you need to step away. You cannot make your mother take a stand and to be honest - she can't be that upset over his crimes if her only reply is "well, he's my son!" or "I love him!" Unfortunately, your brother feeds off this and uses it to his advantage and in the end, it's up to your mom, and your mom only, to stand up for herself and end the gravy train.

You have spoken to her, warned her and told her how it affects you, all to no avail. She has made her choice, she's a grown woman and ultimately you'll have to accept it. You don't have to condone or respect her choices but they are hers to make.

As hard as it will be, it's time for you to walk away, before you find your own relationship with your boyfriend is over. Your brother may be trying to destroy his mom, please don't let him also destroy you - his sister. If he gave a damn about either of you, he wouldn't lie, cheat and steal. Don't be his puppet any longer, even from an emotional standpoint. You can't control him, your mother or your father but you can control you. So take back control and take back your own life and don't let your brother decide if every day will be happy for you, or filled with drama. You should be making those choices, not him. Since when does he get to run your life?

I do hope that time and maturity will turn him around (a stint in a lockup mightn't do him any harm either) and he'll look back and realize what a selfish person he was. He is still young and has a lot of growing to do.

In the meantime, disengage and distance yourself before he takes you down with him. Remember, you have control of you, not him, your mom, your boyfriend or anyone else.

I wish you the best. You have a very caring attitude about your family and this compassion will serve you well in life. Kindness is not weakness. However, understand the difference between helping someone and putting yourself in a lose-lose position. Your brother will resent you and make him mom believe that it's YOU who is the trouble-maker and she'll end up resenting you too. Your dad has already distanced himself. Maybe he's not cold and uncaring - maybe he knows the score and is protecting himself.

Walk away for now, bexiboo, and come back when it's safe and healthy for you. You are all now adults and you can't make others change, get therapy or live a decent life. You have done all you can. You can make suggestions but since they have all been rejected, move on with your life and focus on you. Your mom and brother have a lot of problems to sort out, but that's between them.

I wish you every success getting a job and improving your relationship. That needs to be your focus, not the life and crimes that your brother chooses to engage in.

Please keep us updated and let us know how YOU are getting along!

January 18, 2010 - 12:28pm
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