ask: Mum and brother getting me down. Please help?

Bexiboo,

I'm so sorry you're in the middle of such a tough situation. As someone who experienced almost the same exact situation as you did for a lot of years of my life, I truly understand what you're feeling.

Let's pick this apart and see if we can't help you a little bit.

First, the problem didn't start when your mom kicked your brother out. The problem started when your brother started taking advantage of your mom. The fact that he would go there with his (very young) girlfriend and lie in bed and mess up your mother's house shows a total lack of respect for your mom as well as for himself.

Your mom did the right thing by kicking your brother out. And I'm sure that was hard for her to do, since she (a) loves him, as her son and (b) probably fears him, since he becomes violent. But she did it. And still your brother didn't have the respect for himself or for her to move on and find his own life.

If he stole her rings, he is truly at the bottom of the barrel. That is a crime, and most likely not just a misdemeanor but a felony. It would be smart if she would call and file a police report, and if the rings are insured she should call her insurance agent as well.

What your mom is doing is called "enabling," Bexiboo. Your brother is the one who is acting immaturely and disrespectfully and criminally, but your mother enables him by allowing it to happen. She needs a counselor or a therapist, Bexiboo. She needs to talk with someone who is unrelated to the family to help her get through this situation. She also needs to change the locks on her house, and make it clear to her son that she expects to be left alone. If she is afraid of him, perhaps you and your partner can be there when she tells him.

What is your father's role in all this? You mention that your mother and father have continued a friendship even after their divorce; certainly your father would be very upset at this behavior from his son. Does he know about it? Has he taken a stand or taken any action?

And you, Bexiboo, your job is to do these things:
1. Detach with love. Say that over and over to yourself 100 times. Detach with love, detach with love, detach with love. What does that mean? That means that you are not going to get in the middle of the situation but that you will continue to support her emotionally. It means you will say things like "Mom, you are smart and you raised us well. I know you can handle this." Or "Mom, this is why you need to see a counselor. I don't have the tools to help you here. But I know you'll figure it out." Support, support, support, but detach with love.
2. Stay out of the middle. It's actually good that you don't have extra money right now, because you'd be tempted to help someone with it, and once you start doing that it's hard to stop. Just like it's hard for your mom to stop helping your brother now.
3. Work on your own life. Look for jobs so that you can be a little more independent. Work on your relationship with your partner. Make a list of things that are important to you, and think about how you can accomplish them. My main point here is that YOU are very important. You are not just a player in someone else's drama.

Does any of that help? Do you think your mom would be open to finding a counselor? And what is your dad's part in any of this?

My dad and my brother do not get on at all ever since he walked out on my mum. He never seems to help cause he is always on the other end of the phone and never there helping out. My mum is a very proud woman and i dont think she would ever go to a counselor. The thing is he does all this stuff to her but she still lets him come back, this afternoon he came back home for a shower (or to wipe the box he took the rings out of)!! Everytime i advise my mum to not let him back in she says he is always her son. I think she needs to keep him out untill he comes back begging. I'm just so stressed out about it and my partner seems to be giving me no support saying other things are more important.

Bexiboo

I don't think I can do better than Diane's great advice but since your update, I think it's pretty apparent that no matter how hurtful your brother is to your mom, she has a pretty high pain threshold and is likely to put with his abuse (and it IS abuse) no matter if it's hitting, stealing or using her for food and shelter.

I find it odd that your Dad and Mom are still "close" yet he has completely disengaged himself from her troubles. Perhaps he's operating on tough love and has also "detached with love".

Like Diane has said, you have to also disengage from the drama. The only reason you should be involved is if it is directly and actively affecting you in a physical or financial way. Since your pain is emotional (and I really understand why you feel this way) you need to step away. You cannot make your mother take a stand and to be honest - she can't be that upset over his crimes if her only reply is "well, he's my son!" or "I love him!" Unfortunately, your brother feeds off this and uses it to his advantage and in the end, it's up to your mom, and your mom only, to stand up for herself and end the gravy train.

You have spoken to her, warned her and told her how it affects you, all to no avail. She has made her choice, she's a grown woman and ultimately you'll have to accept it. You don't have to condone or respect her choices but they are hers to make.

As hard as it will be, it's time for you to walk away, before you find your own relationship with your boyfriend is over. Your brother may be trying to destroy his mom, please don't let him also destroy you - his sister. If he gave a damn about either of you, he wouldn't lie, cheat and steal. Don't be his puppet any longer, even from an emotional standpoint. You can't control him, your mother or your father but you can control you. So take back control and take back your own life and don't let your brother decide if every day will be happy for you, or filled with drama. You should be making those choices, not him. Since when does he get to run your life?

I do hope that time and maturity will turn him around (a stint in a lockup mightn't do him any harm either) and he'll look back and realize what a selfish person he was. He is still young and has a lot of growing to do.

In the meantime, disengage and distance yourself before he takes you down with him. Remember, you have control of you, not him, your mom, your boyfriend or anyone else.

I wish you the best. You have a very caring attitude about your family and this compassion will serve you well in life. Kindness is not weakness. However, understand the difference between helping someone and putting yourself in a lose-lose position. Your brother will resent you and make him mom believe that it's YOU who is the trouble-maker and she'll end up resenting you too. Your dad has already distanced himself. Maybe he's not cold and uncaring - maybe he knows the score and is protecting himself.

Walk away for now, bexiboo, and come back when it's safe and healthy for you. You are all now adults and you can't make others change, get therapy or live a decent life. You have done all you can. You can make suggestions but since they have all been rejected, move on with your life and focus on you. Your mom and brother have a lot of problems to sort out, but that's between them.

I wish you every success getting a job and improving your relationship. That needs to be your focus, not the life and crimes that your brother chooses to engage in.

Please keep us updated and let us know how YOU are getting along!

Bexiboo,

I echo everything Susan said. This is a situation that is not going to get better anytime soon, and it can only hurt you to get more involved in it.

I understand pride, and I can understand why your mom might have difficulty admitting to someone else that there are problems. But keep encouraging her to think about it. This is an area where you CAN help, by reminding her that there's nothing wrong with asking for help. Clearly she's in a situation that she can't control, and she needs help in order to change that behavior. You can't help because you're too close to the situation. You might even find the name of a therapist or counselor in your area and write down the name and number for her, so she has it in case she ever has a change of heart. But for the rest of it, you have to let her deal with this on her own. You can listen, of course, but don't put yourself in the position of being a problem solver. You need to be strong just like you want your mom to be strong.

Hang in there, Bexiboo. We're here for you.

This really does sound like an abusive situation, where your mom's being abused and exploited by your brother, Bexiboo. Your mother needs to get your brother and his girlfriend out of her house iommediately, and, since he does clearly have a tendency towards violence, she may need to enlist the help of a counselor and/or the authorities to help get rid of your brother. Even though your mother's a proud woman, her safety, health and overall welfare and well-being, and possibly her life are at stake, and she needs the kind of help in dealing with this nasty situation, which you're clearly not qualified to give her. It sounds as if the only way you can help is to be supportive of your mom in any other way that you can, however. Good luck.

Thank you for the comments. I think its the best advice that you gave me. The police came over last night to talk to my mum and they are going to handcuff him and arrest him and leave him in a cell for a bit to worry him. Hopefully it will make him realise he has done wrong. Thank you for the comments!