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My boyfriend of 6 months has no interested in sex! help!!

By Anonymous June 15, 2009 - 3:51pm
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I'm 19 years old and my partner is 22.
I am very attractive, AUS size 8 and get told I look alot like Tara Reed. So I know it's not my fault. We have a great relationship and he is very affectionate and loving, but when it comes to sex he only feels the need to do it with me every 10 days or more.
We have only been together 6 months and have no even done most sexual acts because he is not interested. He has erection problems where it's hard to stay up and at times won't get up at all. He stresses about this and I think avoids sex because he is embarrassed.

My partner has also been depressed since he was a child, he has a long history of drug abuse, insomnia and odd disorders such as pulling out all of his hair including eye brows and eye lashes. Although he does occasionally watch porn twice a week and masterbates every 3 days or so, I get upset about this because he knows how distressed I get that our sex life is lacking. He says he masterbates out of bordem, this does make sense also because he has not worked for over a year and is also very scared to leave the house at times. I know depression is a sex drive killer but are there ways I can help him or if not what should I do about my sexuality??

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EmpowHER Guest

or have sex with him while watching porn together! woohoo

May 6, 2010 - 11:23am
EmpowHER Guest

Tough love works sometimes - but only when YOU stick to the program. Meaning, if you say it's got to be 'this' way or __________ (consequence) will happen -- then, mean it. An empty ultimatum is about as reliable as your addict boyfriend's word that says he'll change. Be tough and be prepared to walk away.

June 23, 2009 - 10:45am
EmpowHER Guest

Hello everyone again, I just wanted to ask everyone a question about some information a good friend told me today. He is 28 and has been through some rough relationships before that are quite similar.

He told me that it is time for very tough love, as i give my partner everythin and yet their is still no comprise. He told me to tell him how things ARE GOING to be, nothing to far fletched or unrealistic. Basically that i have needs and unless he is going to take action on them,to hit the high way, I found this much harder to say allowed than to comprehend. I know I should not sacrifice myself for his needs, as I have given his needs full attention and mine are being over looked.

So ladies, does tough love sound like the right thing to do?

June 21, 2009 - 6:21pm
EmpowHER Guest

I feel very supported and everyones comments have helped me a great deal and given me a number of ways to look at the situation and to think about.

I feel very strongly that I deserve better and that yes my partner does need to sort himself out, as they say ' you can't love some one else unless you love yourself first' .
But I also feel very compelled to stay with him, I am the only family he has got and I actually live with him too. I know that position seems easily fixed but it's not, we live in quite a small town and the support net work he did have had given up on him and also does not have anywhere to stay, at all. I know this is not my burden.
I have a very strong support network of friends and family that love me to death but also love him very much and are making some break through with him also. We do have the same goals in life and he is growing up, I know the process is very slow and being 19 means that I am very blind to alot of the things that are happening but I do see a lot of potenial. We had been together once before and seemed to find our way back to each other, I really do feel a connection with him that I have not felt with anyone before, he knows me better then an I know myself and also is much wiser than his years of age. Before we got back together he was addicted to meth, he believed he could bet it but needed the only person who he trusted to guide him through it, that is what I did. He no longer even craves the drug, we have been to meetings, talked about it and whenever he is offered or around the drug he turns it down with no regrets.

I feel this relationship is very very complicated and yes, a lot to take on for a 19 year old but I also love him very much and can see us getting through this, I just need alot more pointers and ways about doing so. If of course the methods are not improving the situation I will have to make a lot of changes but I do not feel this is over, only a hurdle ...a very large one.

June 20, 2009 - 4:51pm

Anon, you've gotten some pretty strong and strenuous opinions here ... how are you feeling? Does this give you the inspiration to move down a certain path? Can we support your efforts here to take care of yourself?

This is a caring, responsive community, and everyone who responded sees some red flags for you. Has it made you think differently about your side of things, and that it's ok for you to expect more than you're getting?

I hope so, and I hope you feel supported. Please write back and update us if you can.

June 20, 2009 - 11:19am
EmpowHER Guest

Wtf? You're 19, honey ~ run while you still have flat abs and emotional ability to get over the guy. You're WAY too young to have to deal with issues like this guy apparently has. Not that it can't be overcome like the Anonymous comment above indicates ~ but, seriously, that type of recovery is rare and extremely hard to come by. Your man NEEDS to want the change - for him, not you. You're just a baby, sweetie ~ and I'm living proof that lost souls like your boyfriend just stain your romantic partnership experiences going forward. While it's admirable that you'd like to 'save' the relationship and 'save' him ~ honestly, it's a wasted effort on your part when you consider YOUR age. Please, tell him that you care deeply and want the best for him, give him an armload of literature on the subject and phone numbers for the nearest professional and then let him know you are just plain, ill-equipped with his problems and walk away with your head held high and your self-esteem still in tact. There's absolutely no harm in saving yourself first and you, my friend, are going out with a problematic fellow - trust me, it'll get worse before it gets better.
Good luck, baby - you're gonna need it.

June 18, 2009 - 8:18am

Anon, here's my question for you: Does HE want to fix this problem?

There's really nothing you can do to change him or to help him address this problem unless he wants to. From what you describe, he has problems that he should be in therapy about that stem from his depression, drug abuse and psychological issues. That's a LOT to deal with in and of itself. The fact that he masturbates and uses pornography while telling you he's not interested in sex says a lot about how he sees you, and how he sees sex. It sounds like he doesn't see the situation as a problem, while you do. As long as that basic inequity remains, I think the situation will probably stay exactly as it is.

You sound intelligent, thoughtful and compassionate, but you have to understand that when it comes to being able to change another person, there's not much we can do unless THEY want to change.

June 17, 2009 - 9:15am
EmpowHER Guest

I'll say one word..PORNOGRAPHY!
I had a boyfriend, who, like yours,was young and shouldn't have been having problems with having sex and it was due to a porn addiction. He was more excited by looking at porn and masturbating than having sex with me, though the relationship was new and he was super attracted to me. This problem is getting more and more pervasive in our society, especially with younger men. He quit the porn and now our relationship is fabulous and we have sex all the time. He says that it is the best sex of his life.
It sounds like your man has a few other psyshological troubles too and like mine, has insecurities but the porn does not help. They call it the crack cocaine of the internet. It is addictive as there are constantly new images on the net and more and more to see (unlike the old fashioned mag). A real woman can hardly compete. My boyfriend would kiss me and hug me but go home at night and masturbate to porn and never have sex with me at all. He was quite defensive about it. After he quit, there was an adjustment period and now the sex is amazing....after years together! He can't keep his hands off me and says that all those years (from age 11 or so) watching pornography on the net, had a huge effect on erectile dysfunction with normal sex.
Maybe ask him if he is willing to try quitting it for you? It is a need that a lot of young men have and he may be defensive, as it is so common now and hardly even acknowledged in our society, though more and more people are starting to have problems with addiction to it.
My boyfriend's problem was EXACTLY the same in nature...a guy of this age should not be having erectile dysfunction...viagra is NOT the answer....quitting porn is!

June 16, 2009 - 8:41am
EmpowHER Guest

I think he needs to use a erection medicine like viagra or something!

June 16, 2009 - 1:41am

Dear Anon, it is sad to read your posting and I wonder if at your young age you have asked yourself if this is a healthy relationship. Is the physical looks you describe your strong hold for keeping your guy? Sounds like he has a lot of emotional issues of his own. Is this the partner you want to share your life with? Is SEX that important that you are willing to remain in what I call a toxic relationship? Or do you think you deserve better? At 19, love is a very confusing concept. Infatuation, lust and loneliness can be mixed up with a desire to love, give and nurture a healthy relationship.

My suggestion is to distance yourself from this relationship and allow him the time to grow up. Wouldn't you prefer to be with someone who respects you for more than your looks and is there to be your pillar of strength? Are you not deserving of that? Move on!

June 15, 2009 - 8:52pm
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