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My boyfriend is always 'too tired' for sex

By Anonymous August 21, 2012 - 9:33pm
 
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I've been with the same partner for about 4 years. We get on well, hardly ever have a serious argument and enjoy each others company. There is a lot of affection in our relationship, but I feel like I am starving for sex - I'd like it 2-3 times a week (or ideally more). We have it maybe once every 2-3 weeks and even then I feel as though he's only doing it out of guilt. Even at the very beginning of the relationship - if I tried to initiate it (which I did), I'd get rejected 80-90% of the time. I've tried to stop initiating as after all these years I simply can't handle the rejection anymore. Almost always, the excuse is 'I'm too tired' - although other reasons have ranged from 'we have to get up early in the morning' to 'you didn't do the washing up' to 'the stars are not aligned' to 'i want to watch this movie and you are blocking the TV'. Sometimes he doesn't give a reason at all - if I do initiate he gets snappy and says something like 'can't you see I'm too tired' if I even try to give him a kiss. He seems to always be 'too tired' and I know that he is a very light sleeper and doesn't always get enough sleep, but he can quite easily get together enough energy to go to the pub with his workmates or stay up all night watching TV. He will also find the energy to hang out with me - to go out to dinner, or the movies or for a walk - he will find time to spend with me for pretty much anything except sex. We've talked about the issue plenty of times and each time he just gives perfectly rational reasons for the recent period of time such as 'well I've had a cold for the last 2 weeks' but he always seems to have a good reason and after 4 years, nothing is changing. He's said things like 'well when we go on holiday and I have more time and energy it will be better' and then of course we go on holiday and then he can't sleep because of the new noises or the long flight or the new food doesn't agree with him and so he doesn't want to again. When we do have sex, I'm not sure if he is enjoying it - he is very quiet and hardly ever climaxes. He tells me that he is fine with this and I should be too, but I'm not really - I want to be able to please him and I am willing to try anything that he wants. I'm quite easy to satisfy and I wouldn't mind much if I didn't have an orgasm each time but he seems to believe it is his job to provide one. I'm 30, healthy, fit and attractive and he's 43. We both work 7-8 hours a day, he works 5 days and I usually work 6-7 days. He comes home from work and switches on the TV and stays in front of it 'til bedtime, which he insists is definitely 'sleep time'. We do cuddle a lot and I'm sure that we both love each other - it's just that when it comes to sex, to him it seems to be a very taxing chore. He insists that he enjoys it but if that is true, why can't I get him to want to do it? I've told him that he can choose when to initiate it, I don't care when, even if he wakes me up in the middle of the night. I never reject him, even though sometimes I'm not really in the mood, because it might be weeks before I get another opportunity. It's a struggle to get him to talk about it and it's a huge problem for me - it is eroding my confidence in myself and the relationship but if I bring it up it seems to make the whole problem worse. His solution seems to be either to ignore it or tell me to mastarbate more. He says I need to either accept it because he is too old and it is only going to get worse, or to leave if I'm not happy. I've asked him if he has had the same problem in previous relationships and he said that it was the reverse and he always wanted it much more than his girlfriends. I can't get him to explain why it is different with me except that 'it's not you, it's just because I'm getting older'. I asked him to see a doctor then he told me that it's not a physical problem but that he is just really easily turned off and if I ask by what it might be something that I said the week before or by me not bringing the washing in or a whole host of other things. I don't know how to anticipate all these things - sometimes I feel like he is denying me sex to punish me for something. Sometimes I also get 'I was thinking about having sex with you but then I got interested in this TV program - maybe tomorrow (which hardly ever is tomorrow)'. Do you have any suggestions about what I can possibly do to get him interested once or twice a week or at least learn how to cope with the frustration better (the emotional frustration of the rejection - it's got to the point I'm scared to even make a flirtatious comment or give him a random kiss because it could be construed as asking and I feel like I'm being very demanding)?

Thanks!

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi me & my Fiance have been together 8 years. I'm 32 he is 38. We have 2 children girl 7 boy 3. I got pregnant with in first 2 months of us going out with my little girl. Very quick we never had much time to get to know one another really. I mean he is a good man and we get on most of the time. He just never wants sex. It started just after we had my little girl so its been going on for 7 years. I have to ask for it and he says im too tierd. He does work night shifts right now so I do understand he may be tierd but he still finds time to do things he wants to. Also when he has had day jobs he is still the same. He says it's because of the night shifts he too tired. Him not wanting to come near me was affecting me I felt down and unattractive I never told anyone for 2 years as was embarassed. Then I told my best friend. She was nice about it her sex life was still good after 10 years of marrage. I started chatting to a lad from school on facebook one night and ended up telling him what was going on. He said to me that my Fiance was crazy for not wanting to have sex with me and im a very attractive. We then started sexing then phone sex I found this really exciting I could'nt wait for his mext message each day. I felt guity on my fiance so I ended it last year Jan 2016 he moved out for 2 months. He soon changed so I let him move back and I stopped talking to the lad from school but after a month or so of moving back in it went back to the same. He has also had testostrone test in the past as I asked him to it ce back normal level. And he has had councling but only attended 2 sessions as he said he never needed it. That made me angry as I think he might do as he also says hes not happy with his body so I think that could be a reason why he is like this. He dose have sex with me when he is drunk as he thinks he can peform better but to be honest its better when he is sober. In july 2016 I started talking to the lad from school again sexing, phones sex. We then arranged to meet up as I was visiting family in his area. (I moved away not long after leaving school.) We meet up and had really good sex in his car it was exciting too. I came home and went back to normal like nothing had happened. Bad I know. I do love my Fiance but he don't give me what I need it's really frustrating. Anyway me and the lad from school have started sexing and having phone sex again. I like the attention and its exciting I know its wrong.

July 24, 2017 - 1:22pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Sounds like a lot of incompatibility going on.

I think it's time to drop the name "fiance" since you've been together 8 years - do you have a date planned and an engagement ring? Have you sent out invitations?
If not, it's might be time to move on. You're unfaithful to him and he has no sexual interest in you.

"Sexting a lad from school" sounds like you are a teenager but you're a mother in your 30s.
You can co-parent in a healthy way without all this other baggage weighing you down. It's a lot healthier and better for both of you. And probably better for the children too. Children are happiest when their parents are happy.
Best,
Susan

August 10, 2017 - 12:28pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Eurgh ... I'm going through the same thing. I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 26. We're both fit, active and share loads of comment interests. We've been together for nearly 3 years now, in the first year, we'd have sex twice or three times a day!!! It was amazing! But now I feel like I literally have to beg him to have sex with me. I'm lucky if we have sex once a week! He always says he's too tired or that he works hard. Up until a month ago I help up 2 jobs ... one from 8am until 6pm 5 days a week and the other from half 6 until 1am 4 days a week... I never once turned down sex, even when I was absolutely hanging, because if he wanted sex it's a bonus and I wasn't going to say no. I just don't know what to do now though! We're arguing once a week over the way I don't feel like he is sexually attracted to me anymore! Our relationship in all other aspects is absolutely amazing! We go on dates, we live together, we enjoy cuddles and early nights.... just not sex... I'd be happy with 2/3 times a week it's just so dry at the moment in that department!

July 10, 2017 - 2:45pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi anon
I am having the same issues, we cuddle and have a good time together, we just never do anything sexually. I have no doubts that he loves me. I just don't understand why, what have I done. He loves the size of my body but why do I always feel like it's my body weight . Like it's because I have gained weight. We're supposed to get married, and I wanthink something simple but he doesn't believe me he stresses it's gonna be bigger and more expensive than I say. He says sex is all I care about and that's not true. It's like he doesn't realize how it affects me, us. He doesn't even like me in the bathroom with him anymore I don't know what's wrong. It makes me feel like Its me

March 25, 2017 - 11:04pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have a similar issue. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We are both happy and in love we don't live together but we spend many nights in the week together. Everything else in the relationship is great we travel and date etc. But sex! I'm 23 and maybe I do have a high sex drive but its not a bad thing. He is 29 and has a stressful job, he is pretty much always 'too tired' for sex, when we do have sex (a small victory usually after I have nagged for a while) he seems to enjoy it. I can't shake it because every time he says no it kills my confidence, when I stay at his apartment I make a point of going to bed earlier than usual hoping he will follow and won't use the excuse. But usually he will stay up with his housemates or finishes watching whatever is on TV, makes his way to bed and drums up the "I have to get up early babe" excuse. I want to have crazy spontaneous sex, I want us to do everything together, try every position, find out each others weird likes and spend the rest of our lives obsessed with each other. He has already started using the "I'm getting old" excuse.... 29! What hope am I supposed to have for the future? I know he watches porn, usually on the days/evening we spend apart. I can't be angry because I watch it too being that I am constantly frustrated. But how can he actively watch other people fuck and still turn me down. We do talk and he is serious about us being open and trying to 'fix' it, but nothing ever changes a few months pass and I get upset again and we have the argument all over again. Am I the villain of our relationship because I want to turn him on, I want him to seduce me and I have such low expectations now, we don't have kids we don't live together we aren't married. This should be our honeymoon period.

L

March 25, 2017 - 10:21am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

If he's watching porn when you're not together and then rejecting sex when you are, and refuses to talk about it or meet you halfway and attempt more sex, end the relationship. Done. You're 23. Don't settle for a relationship that's letting you down and don't settle for someone who won't have an open conversation with you, or at least try to compromise. Good luck.

June 21, 2017 - 10:12am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I too have a very similar problem. I beg for sex or remind him its been a while. We have been together for 6 and a half years. The first couple years were absolutely spectacular. 2 times a day about 3 or 4 times weekly. Lately, we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a week ( 2 would be pushing it) and i have to beg. He always uses the excuse "im tired" but even tonight, he is going to hang out with his friends. I want him to have fun and i want hom to go out with his friends bur i also want to feel wanted passionatly. I get really upset because we love each other so much and have so much fun with each other but i feel so unattractive and unwanted. When i tell him this, he gets really angry with me and it ends up being a huge argument. I am 26 years old and i never thought this would be an issue. I feel like an attractive woman and i have an active body type but i just dont know....

August 9, 2017 - 2:44pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Im feeling exactly the same. My partner and i are together for more than a year now. We used to have sex almost everyday. But now, im lucky if i get it once in 2 weeks. He always says he is too tired. I know he might be, but i also feel tired as im also working. I never refused to have sex with him. He will then promise me that he will just take a rest and will do it after waking up. But it is like a promise written in water. I just feel so bad that i have to touch myself and play with myself just to satisfy my needs. He is young btw, just 22 and i am 32. :(

December 26, 2016 - 5:15am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I'm in the same boat! It's highly frustrating. We have had sex once every day for a week before, but now it's a chore. He has energy after work to play with his son when he's over but can never have enough energy when we get into bed. I brought it up tonight why don't you ever want to have sex, he says it's not that he doesn't want to it's just he's too tired. I'm sorry but I've never turned him down because I'm too tired, I used to work 13 hours a day and still found time. I honestly just think men are lazy in that department. Us women will go out of our way to get a piece no matter if we're tired or not. Going on 3 weeks of no sex, don't know how much longer I will put up with this. Going to sleep in a different bed tonight because I'm not getting any anyways. Oh I'm 32 he's 39.

June 21, 2016 - 7:39pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I'm kind of late on this forum but my boyfriend and I lately have been to busy to have sex. He gets mad at me for being so persistent because I make it seem like that negates all the good in the relationship. But I think it's a necessary and normal part of the relationship. Idk how to feel, I love thought about cheating before aswell. What have you all done about it??

June 16, 2016 - 9:12pm
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