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My boyfriend is always 'too tired' for sex

By Anonymous August 21, 2012 - 9:33pm
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I've been with the same partner for about 4 years. We get on well, hardly ever have a serious argument and enjoy each others company. There is a lot of affection in our relationship, but I feel like I am starving for sex - I'd like it 2-3 times a week (or ideally more). We have it maybe once every 2-3 weeks and even then I feel as though he's only doing it out of guilt. Even at the very beginning of the relationship - if I tried to initiate it (which I did), I'd get rejected 80-90% of the time. I've tried to stop initiating as after all these years I simply can't handle the rejection anymore. Almost always, the excuse is 'I'm too tired' - although other reasons have ranged from 'we have to get up early in the morning' to 'you didn't do the washing up' to 'the stars are not aligned' to 'i want to watch this movie and you are blocking the TV'. Sometimes he doesn't give a reason at all - if I do initiate he gets snappy and says something like 'can't you see I'm too tired' if I even try to give him a kiss. He seems to always be 'too tired' and I know that he is a very light sleeper and doesn't always get enough sleep, but he can quite easily get together enough energy to go to the pub with his workmates or stay up all night watching TV. He will also find the energy to hang out with me - to go out to dinner, or the movies or for a walk - he will find time to spend with me for pretty much anything except sex. We've talked about the issue plenty of times and each time he just gives perfectly rational reasons for the recent period of time such as 'well I've had a cold for the last 2 weeks' but he always seems to have a good reason and after 4 years, nothing is changing. He's said things like 'well when we go on holiday and I have more time and energy it will be better' and then of course we go on holiday and then he can't sleep because of the new noises or the long flight or the new food doesn't agree with him and so he doesn't want to again. When we do have sex, I'm not sure if he is enjoying it - he is very quiet and hardly ever climaxes. He tells me that he is fine with this and I should be too, but I'm not really - I want to be able to please him and I am willing to try anything that he wants. I'm quite easy to satisfy and I wouldn't mind much if I didn't have an orgasm each time but he seems to believe it is his job to provide one. I'm 30, healthy, fit and attractive and he's 43. We both work 7-8 hours a day, he works 5 days and I usually work 6-7 days. He comes home from work and switches on the TV and stays in front of it 'til bedtime, which he insists is definitely 'sleep time'. We do cuddle a lot and I'm sure that we both love each other - it's just that when it comes to sex, to him it seems to be a very taxing chore. He insists that he enjoys it but if that is true, why can't I get him to want to do it? I've told him that he can choose when to initiate it, I don't care when, even if he wakes me up in the middle of the night. I never reject him, even though sometimes I'm not really in the mood, because it might be weeks before I get another opportunity. It's a struggle to get him to talk about it and it's a huge problem for me - it is eroding my confidence in myself and the relationship but if I bring it up it seems to make the whole problem worse. His solution seems to be either to ignore it or tell me to mastarbate more. He says I need to either accept it because he is too old and it is only going to get worse, or to leave if I'm not happy. I've asked him if he has had the same problem in previous relationships and he said that it was the reverse and he always wanted it much more than his girlfriends. I can't get him to explain why it is different with me except that 'it's not you, it's just because I'm getting older'. I asked him to see a doctor then he told me that it's not a physical problem but that he is just really easily turned off and if I ask by what it might be something that I said the week before or by me not bringing the washing in or a whole host of other things. I don't know how to anticipate all these things - sometimes I feel like he is denying me sex to punish me for something. Sometimes I also get 'I was thinking about having sex with you but then I got interested in this TV program - maybe tomorrow (which hardly ever is tomorrow)'. Do you have any suggestions about what I can possibly do to get him interested once or twice a week or at least learn how to cope with the frustration better (the emotional frustration of the rejection - it's got to the point I'm scared to even make a flirtatious comment or give him a random kiss because it could be construed as asking and I feel like I'm being very demanding)?


Add a Comment8 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

I'm in the same boat! It's highly frustrating. We have had sex once every day for a week before, but now it's a chore. He has energy after work to play with his son when he's over but can never have enough energy when we get into bed. I brought it up tonight why don't you ever want to have sex, he says it's not that he doesn't want to it's just he's too tired. I'm sorry but I've never turned him down because I'm too tired, I used to work 13 hours a day and still found time. I honestly just think men are lazy in that department. Us women will go out of our way to get a piece no matter if we're tired or not. Going on 3 weeks of no sex, don't know how much longer I will put up with this. Going to sleep in a different bed tonight because I'm not getting any anyways. Oh I'm 32 he's 39.

June 21, 2016 - 7:39pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm kind of late on this forum but my boyfriend and I lately have been to busy to have sex. He gets mad at me for being so persistent because I make it seem like that negates all the good in the relationship. But I think it's a necessary and normal part of the relationship. Idk how to feel, I love thought about cheating before aswell. What have you all done about it??

June 16, 2016 - 9:12pm
EmpowHER Guest

If he's never really been into sex, it's entirely likely he's asexual. It's considered a sexual orientation, and is NOT associated with low hormone levels or any other medical "problem".

October 6, 2014 - 9:47pm
EmpowHER Guest

Wow, I feel and I'm going thru the same exact thing, I'm 31 and my bf of 3 yrs is 30. When I mention these things all he say is I'm not enough for you. Often I'm like Wth.. But it's getting to the point to where I'm about to start messing off. It's that bad honestly. And I don't understand because the rest of he relationship is great. I try to to positive about the situation and he says, we gone do it more and it never happens. I don't want our relationship to end because of this so what else is there to do? Patience have run out and I'm getting fed up. Oh and he told me he know soon or later I will cheat he just waiting for it to happen. Why would he say that and for what??? Any advice

April 5, 2013 - 4:15am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I am to that point too. im 24 and my bf is 32. i am young and want to be crazy and i get it once a month if im lucky. i have begged cried yelled threatened talked ...etc.. but nothing will change. i konw he loves my he plays around and makes me laugh and pulls me in to cuddle and kiss but is too tired for sex. im to the point of messing around but once i go there i know that the relationship is over and im not ready for it to ever be over and i feel like im just stuck.

November 7, 2014 - 4:46pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Also, even when he's not tired and I'm caressing his member he reacts to it just as if I touched his arm. Nothing. Dull face. No eye contact. I've told him that he seems not to be enjoying it and he said that he does enjoy and that's all. He shows enjoyment only sometimes during intercourse itsself. My previous boyfriends both showed appreciation for touching. He's the third and the sweetest one but he shows little to nothing at all... We're both in twenties btw.

July 13, 2016 - 7:48pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

You're lucky to have him pull you to bed for cuddles, mine IS getting along with me very well (10 months into relationship), he sometimes tickles me or makes me laugh, goes out with me but there is little to no cuddles, holding hands or kisses. Sometimes I feel like I'm his sister. Sleeping: only cuddle and hugging. time Kissing:only when he's going to work. I used to initiate kissing and cuddles but I rarely do it now cause it feels so pointless to pressure him. About sex, once or twice a month. He has initated it 3 times in all the 10 months and on all the times i had told him previously how tired I am or how sick I'm feeling.. This HAS to be a coincidence! I understand him turning me down tbh, he is also always visibly exhausted when he comes from work and even on some free days (he's also highly concerned about his below average size penis even though I've told him a million times that it's big to me and that i love it) but I'm literally starving all the time. It's frustrating to try to fall asleep turned on and listening to him snore. But I love him alot and I'd never leave him for that. I don't know about cheating though. It would make me feel horribly quilty (just as if being turnt down all the time isn't bad enough) and I would probably not match with anyone else like I match with him...

July 13, 2016 - 7:29pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anon,

Welcome to EmpowHER.  It's important to discuss with your partner how you feel about it and give him the options of seeing a doctor so he can get his hormones level check, he might have a low libido and also counseling can help safe the relationship.



August 22, 2012 - 3:06am
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