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My boyfriend is blaming me for Delayed Ejaculation problem, how can we talk about it?

By March 27, 2011 - 10:42pm
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I have been dating a nice guy for 3+ months. The first sexual encounter we had he told me he “had trouble coming – was that a problem”? I said no. I had another guy that had it – but not this severely.
He has come once in maybe 20 encounters. I have been trying to get him to come, but didn’t want to make him feel pressured about it. But as time goes we are both getting really frustrated – him sexually and me emotionally. I have been focusing more and more on a hard effort for his orgasm, meaning every encounter I spend 20-30 minutes “tickling” and licking and massaging him (he likes that), then I move into 100% focus on penis and balls and trying to get him off with my hands and mouth – for 20-40 minutes.

He will tell me “don’t keep doing the same thing…or give it a break – not so fast”, then 5 mins later say “don’t keep changing, pick a style and STAY with it.” I hear “harder”, then “not so hard”. “Faster, then not so fast”. I have never had this kind of difficulty getting a man to come.
Tonight he asked me if I was trying to keep him from coming. Really? After one hour+ of effort TRYING? But he says I don’t listen to his direction. I hear, and I try my best. I mainly change if my mouth runs dry or I need more lube, etc. - or if he asks me to. I have never before been accused of being a clumsy lover…this is new territory, and it feels bad.
A few weeks ago I asked him to “show me”, maybe we could perform mutual self-masturbation and I could learn what he likes. He said no, and it has not been mentioned again until I did right now. He finally said he would help me on showing me – but we haven’t had sex again yet.
The original information he told me about his R.E. seems to have been replaced with “I’m a lousy and off in the clouds screw” who is not trying to get him off.
This could not be further from the truth – I mean at least for sure the part about my not wanting to get him off. He’s acting like there is no underlying issue now.
How can we talk about this reasonably, I don’t want to be a whipping post, but I DO want to please him. He’s very great at pleasing me by the way.

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EmpowHER Guest

Do you happen to know if he abuses pain pills or takes blood pressure medicine? Also, alcohol (if before sex, drunk, etc) tends to prohibit or delay ejaculation. If he's watching a lot of porn that you are unaware of, and masturbating, it eventually makes them unable to function normally. If this is the case, research this topic on the Internet. With today's technology, porn is just a click away. There will be so many young men and boys that will be affected and their future partners will never know, but they will blame themselves and be in sex less relationships.
Whatever your case may be, please know that it is NOT YOUR FAULT!

January 16, 2015 - 5:35pm
EmpowHER Guest

im also having trouble with getting my boyfriend to ejacualte,ive never been able to do so and weve been together for atleast 9 mnths and i feel bad because he pleases me and im not able to make him ejacualte,any ideas?btw ive tried oral,being on top below everything,he only cmes when he masturbates

January 16, 2015 - 3:43pm
EmpowHER Guest

I don't have a great deal of experience in this area but it sounds like this guy is a total dick and you would be much better off without him. He's angry about his problem and seems to only feel better by blaming you for it. Is this really the kind of person you want to be with this time next year? Find a real man that appreciates everything you do for hin and actually gives something to you in return.

January 7, 2015 - 7:02pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I totally agree and might not have been as nice when I said it. This guy has issues and it's not fair nor cool he's blaming HIS issues and inability to perform and instead balmes an innocent girl who is obviously going above and beyond to please and help him because I'd be dammed if I'd take direction and orders while performing oral sex on him! In my opinion if this is how he deals with this issue, making it all about YOU, I'd forsee this as a HUGE WARNING sign to move on and tell him to seek a professional doctor for his medical or mental condition instead of giving YOU a condition! I think in my opinion you're too good to be with someone who obviously doesn't deserve you or know how to be in a mature relationship and handle intimate delicate situations such as this! Imagine if YOU ever have a medical condition involving intercourse just IMAGINE how he would react then!? Take this as a warning sign and MOVE ON SISTER! YOU DESERVE BETTER I THINK! This sounds borderline abusive in my opinion.

May 30, 2015 - 7:59pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm so glad I left him! Funny that it was actually 4 years ago today! I'm happy and emotionally healthy now. I use my experience to reach out and help other women. Abuse comes in many forms, not just physical!
I failed to mention that my ex was majorly addicted to porn. This, I believe was the main cause of his problem in the bedroom. A woman should never have to compete with porn for her mate's affection! If I'm ever in another relationship, I love myself too much to tolerate what I did before, and too smart to stay if it's not healthy!

May 31, 2015 - 8:49am
EmpowHER Guest

I had the exact same problem & situation...my ex said the exact same things to me. In the beginning he told me it wad him then suddenly it was all my fault. I went out of my way doing & doing & he'd critique & complain on occasion. One major difference is that he never took Care of my needs; it was all one sided. Interesting, he'd complain about my performance during sex, but I did all the work. He hardly ever got on top. If we changed positions (him actually doing something) he still rarely could ejaculated. He only did via oral sex or masturbation. He also masturbated several times a day & watched porn all the time. We rarely
Had sex & I always did. It was him "having a headache". I usually iniated it & then it resulted in him only wanting oral sex; nothing for me. If I rarely didn't want to give oral sex, he'd become angry. It hurt to be blamed, be putdown, be told my rythym was off, I didn't d
Do it for him, etc, when earlier he said it was him. I should have seen the red flag when he told me that sex slows down when he starts dating someone seriously. He also loved strip clubs. I'm so glad after 2 yrs I left, but it was because (in addition to this), he became verbally & physically abusive.

had sex and I was the one that usually iniatr was off

June 11, 2012 - 7:51am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Good for you for getting out of this obvious unhealthy relationship!! I'm happy you were able to see you, just like this poor girl, deserve much better than these guys! Hopefully she will follow your great example and RUN!

May 30, 2015 - 8:04pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I just posted the above. Sorry about the choppiness. I did It via my phone & it kept messing up my grammar, punctuation, etc.

June 11, 2012 - 7:53am

Thank you for your quick response. This is a great website. I don't know if he has been to a doctor, but I know he is aware of it since he mentioned it, and must have had this experience with other women. He is 49 and has never been married - if that means anything...??
He is emotionally unavailable in a way, even though he really works with me for ME to become emotionally available - it's kind of weird.
Sex has become a little nerve wracking lately...I could tell he was gettting frustrated - just didn't realize he was placing it 100% on ME. Now I'm afraid I'm going to have performance anxiety - but I'm willing to try again.
I'm definately re evaluating the whole relationship, as I am already crazy about him, and don't want to pick another emotionally (and now PHYSICALLY ) unavailable guy!
I'm going to start another conversation and see where it leads - good idea and thanks very much.

March 28, 2011 - 4:45pm

Hi Beli,
Thank you for your question and for joining EmpowHER. My opinion is that this is his problem and not yours. You are good to put so much effort into trying to help him ejaculate, but at the end of the day, if he has a medical condition (has he been do a doctor about this?), there's not a whole lot you can do about that. You are being super patient in trying to figure out what he likes and his ever-changing direction. Bear in mind, I'm not a medical professional or therapist, but I think it would personally drive me nuts--sex is supposed to be fun, and if you have to be so focused on the end result, who's having fun? If you can't relax and enjoy yourself, what's the use?
This is a relatively new relationship. How's it going besides for the issue in the bedroom? This is a good point to evaluate how happy you are and if this is a good thing for you. Once you figure that out, you'll know what to do. Talk with him, and tell him what you're thinking. If you both are adults, you should be able to reach a logical, mutually beneficial solution.
Good luck! And let us know how you are doing.

March 28, 2011 - 6:59am
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