ask: My boyfriend continues to save pictures of naked women on his computer after I've asked him to stop! Then masturbates while I am sleeping in the same room!

By Karma June 10, 2010 - 9:37am
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Hey guys. I have been holding this story in for so long that I had to get it out to someone, as I have been too embarrassed to ask friends. I have many questions, and was excited to see there was a site that I could vent to. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and have had plenty of ups and downs, but the biggest fight that ever comes between us is his appearing to be addicted to looking at women on the internet. We have lived together most of the time that we have been seeing each other, which has been difficult for us, as we rushed into it way too soon, but because of this, I know many things I wish I didn't. First problem we had was he had hundreds of pictures of naked women saved on his computer, which personally I found disgusting, and hurtful!! The numbers continued to grow, even after I told him that I understood if he needed to look at them online to "get off" but I strongly insisted that I was not okay with him saving the pictures. After refusing to do it, I finally had a massive break-down about it, and his response was that he was so sorry and then the next day he showed me that his pictures file was empty, and that he did it because he loves me so much and knew how much it meant to me. Of course I was ecstatic, only to find out that a week or so later, he had just moved them into a folder of a folder of a folder so that I would never find them again! He flat out lied to my face! I felt cheated, disgraced, mortified, and betrayed, it was horrible! Since then there have been many discussions about how I am not comfortable with him saving the pictures, and have asked a million times for him to stop, in which he gets extremely angry with me, and says I can't tell him what to do, or he will agree to stop...but continues! I can't control my anger about it sometimes, and end up going in and deleting all of them out of rage, yet he just continues to save them! And to top all of that off, he will look at them, as well as a million other sites and masturbate while I am sleeping in bed beside him! Waking up to this, I have told him so many times how disgusting and disrespectful I think it is, but I cannot get him to stop! It feels like every morning I wake up to see there is a towel beside his computer to clean up his "mess" and it is actually starting to make me completely not attracted to him, because I am just so grossed out by it! Why can't he just go to another room? Or do it when I am not around? In-turn I feel like it is extremely affecting our sex life, because he just doesn't seem to ever want it enough, especially for a 21 year old! Please help...I don't know what to do anymore about either situation! He refuses to respect my wishes or even appear to care about my feelings. Am I being unfair and overreacting about this?

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EmpowHER Guest

I think most often times when men or women do this its spite. He knows it bothers you and thats probably one main reason he does it and you having to ' clean his mess ' is probably just the icing on the cake for him. I would leave seriously. Unless you want to do stuff back to him, but that usually never gets anywhere. I think what hes doing is rude and disrespectful and the fact that he doesn't care shows you right there. I say move on if it bothers you that bad. If hes doing spiteful things now like that, then it probably will only get worse. Leave him to clean his own mess.

September 25, 2015 - 5:14am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

And as someone else said love yourself more. Also not every man or woman does those things so never be fooled into thinking otherwise. We all have free will or free choice and everyone is different. You don't have to keep anyone around in your life period that doesn't respect or care about you. Take a break for yourself and do things that you love to do. Take yourself out of the situation, then maybe you'll know what YOU want or need to do. Thats my advice to you.

September 25, 2015 - 5:36am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Great advice, Anon, thank you!

We talk to many young women (and women of all ages!) who fight to keep relationships that are completely one-sided and sometimes downright abusive and filled with disrespect.

Relationships are, by definition, between two or more people. If the other person isn't interested or willing to respect and honor their partner then the other person needs to stop trying to "fix" everything and walk away.

September 25, 2015 - 5:41am
EmpowHER Guest

Hello all! Your men are prob getting their pics from a site called the Chive and similar sites like it. They all have a sophmoric, fraternity image to them and it's a shame this is what our " men" have been brainwashed into liking. It's only a natural behavior to look at pics daily, regularly, as much as addiction is natural. I'm sure you wouldn't just let any other addiction go unnoticed and not be concerned or feel like second-place. And it's only naturally ok behavior if he doesn't care about this women and thinks they are bodies as much as sexusm is natural. And again I'm sure you being in a relationship with someone socialized to be sexist ( oh but in an ok we are just being frat boys way) would be a problem. This is our future selection of men. Great. Blame the Chive and other unintelligent, waste of time sites for the dumbing down if our men.and blame the girls that spend hours in front of theur phones, theirrir then using apps and filters to get one mediocre selfie or belfie h
Just to post it to the web and aid your man's addiction. Ladies and gentlemen of America...I give you the dumbing down, and ultimately, the fall of what we have left of both sexes of our nation. Awesome.

September 16, 2015 - 12:50pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

And yes I know I have a few typos and spelling errors...but unless you are one of those outstanding men (hint: sarcasm) that peruse pics on the Chive or similar site or work out your brain fapping on a daily basis to them, then you prob get the gist of what I'm saying.

September 16, 2015 - 1:07pm
EmpowHER Guest

All I can say is, men think completely different from women. There are no feelings for this picture of a "naked woman" women look at men in a different kind of way, we want someone to love, care, and look after us. We are designed to be attractive to men because of "evolution " to be the better woman to have his children. All the other women are just basically pieces of meat to him. I learned ages ago, a man masterbate soft stress relief and if they have a higher testosterone level it's a physical thing, they are more likely to look at porn. Think where we evolved from and why. We are designed to be chosen to be the best women for the qualities they want. The pictures are just "pictures" to them/no feelings. Think about walking into a newsagents, you tell me how many women's magazines are on the "top shelf!" Absolutely none!! Do we women have a newspaper with a "page 3?!!" No there aren't coz there is no market for them! Men are different to women and I do not care what anyone thinks or says every man looks, just some are better than hiding than others!! You can be the most attractive, independent woman and do everything in the house, work, look after the kids and men will still look at other women. Just think, we watch romantic films hoping our partners will be our knit in shining armour always caring, loving sweeps you off your feet, weekends away! Well reality and the way we live we hardly ever hear of men bring like that towards their long term partners. Just think we are out at work all day, stressed and by the time you both come in from work or looking after the kids all day you're "knackered " what do you do go and take your makeup off and lounge in comfy clothes. The best of you has gone for that day and so it continues every day then we complain when they come in, about our day, maybe complain about what the "man" needs to do or hasn't done. His porn on the internet is there when he is stressed, doesn't give him grief, doesn't have periods, headaches, doesn't have problems to complain about and she's always there makes waiting and doesn't answer back. Ideal woman in his head but not real life is it. So all you women out there "stop" worrying about your man watching porn or looking at pictures because I'm dam sure I'd rather have my man fulfilling his needs doing that than chasing after another woman for real.

August 4, 2015 - 11:45pm
EmpowHER Guest

My bf saved pics of my daughter on his phonr he said he didnt but i know he had to save them for it to b there im not bothered that shes nineteen as far as im concerned its disgusting

August 4, 2015 - 1:32pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon
I assume he's your ex-boyfriend now!


August 4, 2015 - 4:35pm
EmpowHER Guest

II'm going through the same thing but i have a two year old boy and the man i'm engaged to has had pictures on his phone and tells me he doesn't know how they got they're this is the third time i found them when he knew i found em and was upset he told me he loves me and my son and he deleted them

May 13, 2015 - 1:22am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm going through the same thing. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now and I have broken down in tears telling him how much it upsets me yet he is laying in bed next to me right now downloading porn on his phone. He thinks I don't notice, he sits in the bathroom for a half hour at a time and every time I bring it up he says he won't do it anymore but a couple weeks later he is right back at it. I can't for the life of me understand how he can say he loves me so much yet he has to look at porn or naked strange women to get an erection or have an orgasm. I love him with all of my heart and I want to marry him someday but I don't know how to make him understand how much this porn addiction hurts me if crying my eyes out doesn't even get the message across.

May 6, 2015 - 3:36pm
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