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ask: My boyfriend continues to save pictures of naked women on his computer after I've asked him to stop! Then masturbates while I am sleeping in the same room!

By Karma
 
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Hey guys. I have been holding this story in for so long that I had to get it out to someone, as I have been too embarrassed to ask friends. I have many questions, and was excited to see there was a site that I could vent to. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and have had plenty of ups and downs, but the biggest fight that ever comes between us is his appearing to be addicted to looking at women on the internet. We have lived together most of the time that we have been seeing each other, which has been difficult for us, as we rushed into it way too soon, but because of this, I know many things I wish I didn't. First problem we had was he had hundreds of pictures of naked women saved on his computer, which personally I found disgusting, and hurtful!! The numbers continued to grow, even after I told him that I understood if he needed to look at them online to "get off" but I strongly insisted that I was not okay with him saving the pictures. After refusing to do it, I finally had a massive break-down about it, and his response was that he was so sorry and then the next day he showed me that his pictures file was empty, and that he did it because he loves me so much and knew how much it meant to me. Of course I was ecstatic, only to find out that a week or so later, he had just moved them into a folder of a folder of a folder so that I would never find them again! He flat out lied to my face! I felt cheated, disgraced, mortified, and betrayed, it was horrible! Since then there have been many discussions about how I am not comfortable with him saving the pictures, and have asked a million times for him to stop, in which he gets extremely angry with me, and says I can't tell him what to do, or he will agree to stop...but continues! I can't control my anger about it sometimes, and end up going in and deleting all of them out of rage, yet he just continues to save them! And to top all of that off, he will look at them, as well as a million other sites and masturbate while I am sleeping in bed beside him! Waking up to this, I have told him so many times how disgusting and disrespectful I think it is, but I cannot get him to stop! It feels like every morning I wake up to see there is a towel beside his computer to clean up his "mess" and it is actually starting to make me completely not attracted to him, because I am just so grossed out by it! Why can't he just go to another room? Or do it when I am not around? In-turn I feel like it is extremely affecting our sex life, because he just doesn't seem to ever want it enough, especially for a 21 year old! Please help...I don't know what to do anymore about either situation! He refuses to respect my wishes or even appear to care about my feelings. Am I being unfair and overreacting about this?

Add a Comment64 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

No honey your not over-reacting. I am having the same problem with my fiance...it hurts. It makes one feel as though they somehow arent good enough. My guy just got a new phone and his pics are not of our daughter or jobsites... its women in "comprimising" positions...disgusting. i feel urpain sister.

November 22, 2014 - 2:46pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have the same issue with my boyfriend. I used to never care about this sort of thing because I understand that it is normal to need to get off, but lately its been disappointing. It started with him liking and following porn stars on social media. That was just not okay with me for the sole reason that all of our friends can see what he likes. He respected my wishes of unfollowing and posting about hot porn stars/models. Then I found thousands of saved naked photos of random chicks on the computer and saved on his phone. I don't know how to make myself feel better about this. I know it's probably a confidence issue and he will never change...just makes me feel like shit.

November 15, 2014 - 11:19pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

If our men didnt give us reason to have confidence issues...

November 22, 2014 - 2:49pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi,
I am in the same situation, but mine has gone further where I have been told I am pilling on the weight, so a huge life adjustment, to loose weight, which I have done, but it hasnt changed a thing.

November 7, 2014 - 4:26am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Nothing you do will ever be enough. You could be a rocket scientist with supermodel looks and a jerk like this will always find something wrong. It has nothing to do with your weight - it has to do with your partner playing mind games. Get out of this relationship now and don't allow anyone to treat you badly. 

Best,

Susan

November 7, 2014 - 4:53am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

hi
so what if your boy freind has nude women photos and jerks off
to them while u sleep in the same room? why dont u get naked with
him and jerk off together?!! he`s your boyfreind turn him on. arrage a threesome . be creative!! don`t be shy explor your inhbitions enjoy each others company, get to know your mans sexual needs and yours, stop being uptight relax and enjoy .he is just your boyfeind!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 7, 2014 - 7:38pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hey Karma,

I'm sure many posts have already covered this but male sexuality is very visual. Most men use visual stimuli. The reason Porn is so prevalent in the modern man, is because it's much cheaper than strip clubs. This does not mean he doesn't love, honor and respect you - assuming that he's only looking?

Modern women are taught that porn is a "perversion". In other words a vile, twisted version of reality, but it's not. It is reality. Men fantasize, and not usually about their partners. This is normal and healthy behavior.

The anger, lies and frustration is a different matter. How this started is embarrassment. He needs this, and he knows it hurts you, so he's trying his best to keep it from you. You have a choice here. Keep checking his history, his phone, questioning him, or let it go. Or leave him. Three options. It could be that your mutual anger (both sides here - not your fault) has rendered the relationship impossible. Please note though, your next lover will most likely also watch porn regularly. If you live a long happy blissful life with this man, it isn't because he doesn't, it's because he's better at hiding it.

I just realized there's a fourth option, but it's a big emotional risk. You could replace some of his need for porn by becoming his visual stimulus. However, if he doesn't respond it will be humiliating. I don't recommend this option, this is something that needs to be introduced from the start of a relationship.

Please, take note, this is not your fault. It's just something he needs. Just like women need to be told that they are loved, and have an occasional PDA. Men don't need this. Most find it awkward. Does this mean that the women who wants it doesn't respect who he is? No. It's just something she needs.

OK. Gone on too much now, thought I'd leave it off with a book recommendation:
His Needs, Her Needs by Willard E Harley Jr. Might give you more insight than me. Not even sure if the above is in there, but it might help. I did read it once and it made allot of sense.

July 26, 2014 - 8:47am
RealityCheck (reply to Anonymous)

Hi ok so i have the same situation. Except i have done the fourth option since the beginning of the relationship.

I feel useless. I know i am beautiful and sexy and i have been told so many times yet with this guy i feel like shrek.
Am i just not his type?

November 4, 2014 - 12:49pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

T
That's no respect for you in the first place. If he had any sense at all he would have never let you see them. He disrepects you further by not complying with your wishe! Who needs a boyfriend like that. Tell him to talk to the computer the next time he wants a BJ or some sex. Dump the Xero and look for a Hero!

June 17, 2014 - 7:23pm
2kazy2kare (reply to Anonymous)

REALLY you are a IDIOT so you told her to dump him because he masturbates! We all masturbate well unless your a NUN/MONK ! Welcome to the human condition ass wipe!

October 31, 2014 - 8:48pm
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