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ask: My boyfriend continues to save pictures of naked women on his computer after I've asked him to stop! Then masturbates while I am sleeping in the same room!

By Karma
 
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Hey guys. I have been holding this story in for so long that I had to get it out to someone, as I have been too embarrassed to ask friends. I have many questions, and was excited to see there was a site that I could vent to. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and have had plenty of ups and downs, but the biggest fight that ever comes between us is his appearing to be addicted to looking at women on the internet. We have lived together most of the time that we have been seeing each other, which has been difficult for us, as we rushed into it way too soon, but because of this, I know many things I wish I didn't. First problem we had was he had hundreds of pictures of naked women saved on his computer, which personally I found disgusting, and hurtful!! The numbers continued to grow, even after I told him that I understood if he needed to look at them online to "get off" but I strongly insisted that I was not okay with him saving the pictures. After refusing to do it, I finally had a massive break-down about it, and his response was that he was so sorry and then the next day he showed me that his pictures file was empty, and that he did it because he loves me so much and knew how much it meant to me. Of course I was ecstatic, only to find out that a week or so later, he had just moved them into a folder of a folder of a folder so that I would never find them again! He flat out lied to my face! I felt cheated, disgraced, mortified, and betrayed, it was horrible! Since then there have been many discussions about how I am not comfortable with him saving the pictures, and have asked a million times for him to stop, in which he gets extremely angry with me, and says I can't tell him what to do, or he will agree to stop...but continues! I can't control my anger about it sometimes, and end up going in and deleting all of them out of rage, yet he just continues to save them! And to top all of that off, he will look at them, as well as a million other sites and masturbate while I am sleeping in bed beside him! Waking up to this, I have told him so many times how disgusting and disrespectful I think it is, but I cannot get him to stop! It feels like every morning I wake up to see there is a towel beside his computer to clean up his "mess" and it is actually starting to make me completely not attracted to him, because I am just so grossed out by it! Why can't he just go to another room? Or do it when I am not around? In-turn I feel like it is extremely affecting our sex life, because he just doesn't seem to ever want it enough, especially for a 21 year old! Please help...I don't know what to do anymore about either situation! He refuses to respect my wishes or even appear to care about my feelings. Am I being unfair and overreacting about this?

Add a Comment57 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

hi
so what if your boy freind has nude women photos and jerks off
to them while u sleep in the same room? why dont u get naked with
him and jerk off together?!! he`s your boyfreind turn him on. arrage a threesome . be creative!! don`t be shy explor your inhbitions enjoy each others company, get to know your mans sexual needs and yours, stop being uptight relax and enjoy .he is just your boyfeind!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 7, 2014 - 7:38pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hey Karma,

I'm sure many posts have already covered this but male sexuality is very visual. Most men use visual stimuli. The reason Porn is so prevalent in the modern man, is because it's much cheaper than strip clubs. This does not mean he doesn't love, honor and respect you - assuming that he's only looking?

Modern women are taught that porn is a "perversion". In other words a vile, twisted version of reality, but it's not. It is reality. Men fantasize, and not usually about their partners. This is normal and healthy behavior.

The anger, lies and frustration is a different matter. How this started is embarrassment. He needs this, and he knows it hurts you, so he's trying his best to keep it from you. You have a choice here. Keep checking his history, his phone, questioning him, or let it go. Or leave him. Three options. It could be that your mutual anger (both sides here - not your fault) has rendered the relationship impossible. Please note though, your next lover will most likely also watch porn regularly. If you live a long happy blissful life with this man, it isn't because he doesn't, it's because he's better at hiding it.

I just realized there's a fourth option, but it's a big emotional risk. You could replace some of his need for porn by becoming his visual stimulus. However, if he doesn't respond it will be humiliating. I don't recommend this option, this is something that needs to be introduced from the start of a relationship.

Please, take note, this is not your fault. It's just something he needs. Just like women need to be told that they are loved, and have an occasional PDA. Men don't need this. Most find it awkward. Does this mean that the women who wants it doesn't respect who he is? No. It's just something she needs.

OK. Gone on too much now, thought I'd leave it off with a book recommendation:
His Needs, Her Needs by Willard E Harley Jr. Might give you more insight than me. Not even sure if the above is in there, but it might help. I did read it once and it made allot of sense.

July 26, 2014 - 8:47am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

T
That's no respect for you in the first place. If he had any sense at all he would have never let you see them. He disrepects you further by not complying with your wishe! Who needs a boyfriend like that. Tell him to talk to the computer the next time he wants a BJ or some sex. Dump the Xero and look for a Hero!

June 17, 2014 - 7:23pm
Tattooed_N_Twisted

Since my last post, my husband tried to be intimate with me this morning, I told him no and he stomped off like a child. I said "Really? How old are we?" And he remarked, "Don't even start with me!" Then said he didn't understand why I wouldn't have sex with him, I finally told him I had need more photos on his phone and that he still had not gotten rid of all the girls on his instagram that should not be on there. He said he didn't know what I was talking about....I couldn't believe him. I still don't believe him. I know full well he is lying to me, I'm not even hurt anymore...I'm just angry. He knows what I'm talking about but he seems to think if he says he doesn't, I will just continue to drop it and move on. This time, I don't think I can. I could have forgiven if he had told me the truth, but I can't when he lies to my face. I mean, I can't even find out the reasoning for it if he won't even admit he is doing it. He deleted the photos I found most recently, but I know from his history this will only last for so long and in a couple weeks or months, there will be new ones on there and the cycle will continue. He obviously is never going to stop, or stop lying. On top of everything else, he took out a title loan on his truck a couple months ago (his truck is the only vehicle we have and the only thing of value we have left after trying to barter with our landlord to keep from getting evicted)...and he didn't discuss it with me beforehand or tell me about it. Well, because he still has not gotten a job (due to him acting as if he is too good to work most places), they repossessed his truck yesterday afternoon and we are officially stuck with no car. Although it is "his truck," I feel I should have had a say in whether or not we took out a loan on it like that, especially when it was PAID FOR. Am I overreacting that he didn't discuss it with me or even tell me about it?

April 30, 2013 - 5:38pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Tattooed_N_Twisted)

If it hurts you, tell him. If he cares, he will stop it. If he is a selfish dolt, he won't. I have looked at many sites re this subject. What really cracks me up? Chances are the wife/girlfriend is not satisfied sexually by him. Why? He is too rough? Doesn't take the time to arouse her? Dismisses her needs? Doesn't think women enjoy sex? Whatever the case, it is selfish and he is clueless. Neanderthal mentality, you know. " A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." The problem is, we love them. When we discover what they are doing, the dynamics of the relationship change. What we perceived to be true, wasn't. We gave them devotion and exclusivity. We thought it was mutual. It wasn't. They dismiss us; just fantasy, just pics, doesn't mean nothing, I love you baby. Whatever! So selfish n lazy! Why don't you please ME the way you want to be pleased? If men pleased their mates as they should, then women would reciprocate because they would desire your touch. Do you guys think we women don't appreciate male eye candy? Most cases eye candy is hotter than you. But, we make commitments, we hold respect, and we trust. We freaking trust you guys to not go wanking off to images of some other random vagina just because??? Hello, get a clue! How would you like it if your wife waited for you to go to sleep and then she surfed for hot, muscular, well-endowed men and masturbated to their images while leaving you-high & dry baby! And then dismissed your feelings? If you don't respect and cherish the love your wife/girlfriend has for you then you don't deserve her love. The best you can hope for is to keep wanking your willie to nothingness. The more you wank to porn, the more she is repulsed by you, and the more she is repulsed by you, the more you wank. You guys are soooo lucky to even find a woman willing to love and accept you as you are! Wake up! You won't know a good thing til it's gone! Wank on dudes! Losers!

March 27, 2014 - 3:44am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have had the same issue with my husband. He not only continues to save these photos on his phone, he lies about them or when confronted tells me he doesn't know how they got there, there aren't any there (like I'm making it up) or someone sent it in an email and he hasn't had a chance to delete them yet (which is b.s. because things do not automatically save the way he is claiming they do/are). He all of the sudden deleted them a couple months ago and I thought he finally realized how wrong it was, especially as a Christian married man. Well, the last couple weeks or so, they are back and there are more than ever. I was so angry when I saw them on there again I nearly left in the middle of the night. It's to the point I don't think I can stay with him anymore. To make matters worse, he had the gall a couple nights ago to use his parents internet when I was sitting in the same room as him, look up and save pictures and stuff on his phone, lie to me when I asked what he was doing (he said he was playing a game), and then when we got home, he wanted to have sex and I wasn't really in the mood (haven't been since I found the photos again) but he still kept trying and I finally just gave up saying no. It was not good sex for me because I felt like he wouldn't listen when I said I wasn't in the mood and also because all I could think about were his phone photos and all the lies that went with them. Afterwards, I discovered the new photos and knew what he had done, looked at them with me sitting right there (knowing I would be upset about it) and then basically used me to get off. Again, if I had a vehicle, I would have left in the middle of the night. I don't even know what to do anymore, talking doesn't do anything cause I have talked the subject to death I feel and he never changes. I'm glad I'm not the only one with this kind of issue, but not glad because I know how much it hurts, is frustrating, etc. Some of the other photos my husband has on his phone are naked pregnant women, which he has admitted to thinking were hot. This is weird to me and would be weird even if they were clothed, but it's also disrespectful in my opinion because we found out last August I can't carry children because of a health problem I have. When I found out I was crushed, he knows that, and he won't leave that stuff alone either.

April 13, 2013 - 10:22pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm sorry to read about your distress. Porn only works if both parties are into it and your husband should respect your wishes. To be honest, it sounds like he's never going to stop because he may have a kind of addiction to porn and this can wreck havoc with his sex life with his willing wife. His vision of sex is probably greatly distorted now - bodies full of plastic surgery and fake orgasms etc.

I think unless he gets some help for this, not much will change. If he is refusing to stop, knowing how much it hurts you and knowing it's causing your marriage to crumble, then you have some very serious decisions to make.

What do you see, when you think about your future?

Susan

April 15, 2013 - 12:21pm
Tattooed_N_Twisted (reply to Susan Cody)

Honestly, I'm looking for a way out right now. He doesn't seem to want to work things out (this is not our only big issue), and I don't feel I should waste my life with someone who is just going to continually treat me like crap. Honestly, my biggest concern is that divorce, between 2 saved people, is a big no-no in God's eyes. The fact that my husband claims to be Christian and throws the Bible in my face every time he thinks it's necessary, and then turns around and does this kind of thing with photos of other women makes it even worse for me. It states in the Bible that looking at other women like this when you are married is not right. It's almost as if he thinks he does no wrong and then he has the gall to basically let someone call me an abomination for being Bisexual and then not only standing up for me as his wife, but pretty much agree with this person with me sitting there.

April 15, 2013 - 6:19pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Tattooed_N_Twisted)

Hi TattooedNTwisted

There is nothing worse than a religious person using so-called rules to advocate their terrible behavior. That goes against everything Jesus taught (and I say this as a non-religious person).

If you are being abused and if you are being cheated on (whether it be a real person, an emotional affair, substituting porn for you, whatever your belief system says) then there is nothing in the bible that states you must stay in an abusive marriage. Your husband abandoned his marriage vows a long time ago.

Don't let religious hypocrites dictate your life . Jesus had no time for them and you shouldn't either.

Best,

Susan

April 16, 2013 - 1:31pm
Tattooed_N_Twisted (reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you for the advice. I think the same thing as you but I wanted someone else's views on it before I made a big decision. I'm just fed up. He ever pretty much forced me to have sex a week and a half or so ago. I said I wan't in the mood, repeatedly, and he wouldn't leave me alone. He tried it again the other morning, before I needed to get up and go to class, and I finally got him to leave me alone...but it took a lot more times of me telling him to stop than I think it should have taken.

Now we are on the verge of being evicted and he is doing nothing. I am a full time college student, and I am looking harder for a job than he is. If we get evicted, I don't know if I will stay where he stays because I kind of am holding him responsible. He has been laid off since September of 2012 and has done hardly anything for looking in comparison to what someone that needs a job should be doing in a 6+ month period of time.

April 25, 2013 - 5:32pm
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