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ask: My boyfriend continues to save pictures of naked women on his computer after I've asked him to stop! Then masturbates while I am sleeping in the same room!

By Karma
 
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Hey guys. I have been holding this story in for so long that I had to get it out to someone, as I have been too embarrassed to ask friends. I have many questions, and was excited to see there was a site that I could vent to. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and have had plenty of ups and downs, but the biggest fight that ever comes between us is his appearing to be addicted to looking at women on the internet. We have lived together most of the time that we have been seeing each other, which has been difficult for us, as we rushed into it way too soon, but because of this, I know many things I wish I didn't. First problem we had was he had hundreds of pictures of naked women saved on his computer, which personally I found disgusting, and hurtful!! The numbers continued to grow, even after I told him that I understood if he needed to look at them online to "get off" but I strongly insisted that I was not okay with him saving the pictures. After refusing to do it, I finally had a massive break-down about it, and his response was that he was so sorry and then the next day he showed me that his pictures file was empty, and that he did it because he loves me so much and knew how much it meant to me. Of course I was ecstatic, only to find out that a week or so later, he had just moved them into a folder of a folder of a folder so that I would never find them again! He flat out lied to my face! I felt cheated, disgraced, mortified, and betrayed, it was horrible! Since then there have been many discussions about how I am not comfortable with him saving the pictures, and have asked a million times for him to stop, in which he gets extremely angry with me, and says I can't tell him what to do, or he will agree to stop...but continues! I can't control my anger about it sometimes, and end up going in and deleting all of them out of rage, yet he just continues to save them! And to top all of that off, he will look at them, as well as a million other sites and masturbate while I am sleeping in bed beside him! Waking up to this, I have told him so many times how disgusting and disrespectful I think it is, but I cannot get him to stop! It feels like every morning I wake up to see there is a towel beside his computer to clean up his "mess" and it is actually starting to make me completely not attracted to him, because I am just so grossed out by it! Why can't he just go to another room? Or do it when I am not around? In-turn I feel like it is extremely affecting our sex life, because he just doesn't seem to ever want it enough, especially for a 21 year old! Please help...I don't know what to do anymore about either situation! He refuses to respect my wishes or even appear to care about my feelings. Am I being unfair and overreacting about this?

Add a Comment82 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. A few months ago I discovered he had a secret folder in his computer with photos of girls in bikinis. I understand that it's perfectly normal for guys to masturbate over other people, but the photos of the women that I have found are of people that we both know and hang out with. i felt so betrayed. And I chose to forgive him and he swore he would never do that again. Until recently I found more photos of other women that we know on his phone. And his defence was that it is his first slip up in months.

March 24, 2015 - 7:21pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Oh my gosh, I have the same problem. My boyfriend has screen shots of a girls we know from high school. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Idk what to do. He also had videos and photos of porn.

March 25, 2015 - 12:21am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have the same problem. Me & my boyfriends been together for almost 2 years and I found out he was contantly looking at porn about a year ago, it bothered me but not as much as it does now. It's like he would rather look at naked girls than be with m. I've confronted him about it many times and he says the same old things "sorry, I won't do it again" I try not letting it bother me but when he does it consistently and I suspect that's what he's doing while I'm around it really hurts. ANd of course the first thing us women think is "am I not good enough" but when I ask him if anything is wrong with me he tells me no? So I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm sick of crying over these things I just want him to appreciate what he has infront of him rather than fanticising over other women...

March 4, 2015 - 12:52pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Well I am a Man and I truly love woman in general, and to save pictures and to get his relief , is ok , but this can be a situation when this might be more of a problem , the other side if you will, Exabitionest , or even around children to much is a bad sign , but he needs to see a doctor , we read about sexual things over the news,
and not saying he is doing something in the other mask he is hiding something, to much Master bait is wrong, he has you and needs to pay more attention to you, just you watch what age , and go from their, IT is VERY NORMAL, BUT YOU WILL SEE IN THE END

February 22, 2015 - 10:44pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Oh honey...it is perfectly natural for men to want to look at naked women. I actually love the fact that my husband masterbates next to me in bed. He's home, he's safe, he's not cheating, etc. Sex is a major topic. You need to find someone that has the same values, wants, and needs as you. Don't BLAME the men because you find something disgusting. There is no accounting for taste. To each his own. And so on. If you have that big of a problem with what he is doing, and yet he continues to do it, then you need to find someone who doesn't do it. Simple as that.

January 31, 2015 - 2:54pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I know I've seen this way late but ik what you are going threw. The guy I'm dating now keeps on looking at Port on his phone and saving naked pictures of other women. I feel like shit because of this because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. With that even being said we have sex alot everytime he wants it but when I want it he rejects me. I have been threw this before with my ex husband who is the father of my two children. And he knew everything that has happened between me and my ex and how I feel about it but he still keeps doing it. And everytime i confront him about it he gets all pissed off at me for looking threw his phone. Yes ik I was in the wrong there but something was telling me something wasn't right and so I looked and I find out I was right. I am at a loss of what to do because of my children he is a great dad to them and they love him and when he does leave when we fight they both ask where he is and goes looking for him( mind you they are 2 1/2 and 18 months and they don't know their real father because he walked out and wants nothing to do with them) I'm am at the point I want to end it but don't know if I can bring myself to do it. Oh also one more thing. The one night he came home from work for a few hrs (he used to work on a tow boat for two weeks straight and one week off) he was messaging a girl and was making plans on meeting up with her but when that fell threw is when he came home to me.....

January 14, 2015 - 4:06am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

run run run as fast as you can. I'm a 66 year old man, single at this time in life. I understand your dislike of your man looking at porn. you can not change him. yes its true you want to be his one and only and if you can not live with your man injoying porn I say run, run, run. you should under stand you can not change him. only his love for you and his well not to want to hert you well he change. but not for you but his well and respected and love not to want to hert you. please forgive my spelling one thing I did not grasp in school. Charles, one who knows. good luck. :)

February 14, 2015 - 1:24am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Your boyfriend is cheating on you. Your kids will never remember him if you get rid of him, they are far too young. 

You shouldn't be putting up with this nonsense - having a "dad" in your kids' life is good but not if he's a lousy boyfriend to their mother. He seems to have checked out of the relationship already. 

Your ex is legally bound to give child support so I hope he is doing that. If not, start the process. You will also be entitled to back pay.  

Of course he gets pissed off at you for checking his phone - he's cheating! 

Move on from this guy. Your kids are witnessing you fighting (trust me, they know, even if you think they don't) and will suffer from this.  You can do this without a man. And down the line, when you are ready, you will find real love. 

Best,

Susan

January 14, 2015 - 6:52am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Im having a similar problem. I have been with my partner for over 4 years and he has constantly looked at naked pictures of women. I found out in the past he has contacted ex girlfriends, he has even met one for a walk. He has promised he has stopped texting them and I do believe him however he still downloads photos of naked women and he admits he masturbates over them at work. I never ever turn him for sex, infact im a highly sexed person myself. We have a brilliant sex life and he always comments on it. I am 8 years younger than him and really try to look after myself, I run, mountain bike and try to keep healthy. I get comments from others about my looks and figure. I dont understand why he is doing this, it has really knocked my confidence and I keep asking "what is wrong with me?"

December 1, 2014 - 6:01am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

There is nothing wrong with you at all. You could be a supermodel and your boyfriend will still obsess over porn. He sounds like he may have an addiction going on. 

He loves porn and that's who he is.  Unless he wants to stop, it doesn't sound like he will.  Masturbating to porn at work is a bit disturbing, if he gets caught he'll lose his job. 

You can tell him again that this bothers you and see if you can work it out together.  But if he won't you have to accept him for who he is - people don't change if they don't want to.  

Best,

Susan

December 1, 2014 - 6:15am
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