ask: My boyfriend continues to save pictures of naked women on his computer after I've asked him to stop! Then masturbates while I am sleeping in the same room!

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Hey guys. I have been holding this story in for so long that I had to get it out to someone, as I have been too embarrassed to ask friends. I have many questions, and was excited to see there was a site that I could vent to. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now, and have had plenty of ups and downs, but the biggest fight that ever comes between us is his appearing to be addicted to looking at women on the internet. We have lived together most of the time that we have been seeing each other, which has been difficult for us, as we rushed into it way too soon, but because of this, I know many things I wish I didn't. First problem we had was he had hundreds of pictures of naked women saved on his computer, which personally I found disgusting, and hurtful!! The numbers continued to grow, even after I told him that I understood if he needed to look at them online to "get off" but I strongly insisted that I was not okay with him saving the pictures. After refusing to do it, I finally had a massive break-down about it, and his response was that he was so sorry and then the next day he showed me that his pictures file was empty, and that he did it because he loves me so much and knew how much it meant to me. Of course I was ecstatic, only to find out that a week or so later, he had just moved them into a folder of a folder of a folder so that I would never find them again! He flat out lied to my face! I felt cheated, disgraced, mortified, and betrayed, it was horrible! Since then there have been many discussions about how I am not comfortable with him saving the pictures, and have asked a million times for him to stop, in which he gets extremely angry with me, and says I can't tell him what to do, or he will agree to stop...but continues! I can't control my anger about it sometimes, and end up going in and deleting all of them out of rage, yet he just continues to save them! And to top all of that off, he will look at them, as well as a million other sites and masturbate while I am sleeping in bed beside him! Waking up to this, I have told him so many times how disgusting and disrespectful I think it is, but I cannot get him to stop! It feels like every morning I wake up to see there is a towel beside his computer to clean up his "mess" and it is actually starting to make me completely not attracted to him, because I am just so grossed out by it! Why can't he just go to another room? Or do it when I am not around? In-turn I feel like it is extremely affecting our sex life, because he just doesn't seem to ever want it enough, especially for a 21 year old! Please help...I don't know what to do anymore about either situation! He refuses to respect my wishes or even appear to care about my feelings. Am I being unfair and overreacting about this?

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EmpowHER Guest

All I can say is, men think completely different from women. There are no feelings for this picture of a "naked woman" women look at men in a different kind of way, we want someone to love, care, and look after us. We are designed to be attractive to men because of "evolution " to be the better woman to have his children. All the other women are just basically pieces of meat to him. I learned ages ago, a man masterbate soft stress relief and if they have a higher testosterone level it's a physical thing, they are more likely to look at porn. Think where we evolved from and why. We are designed to be chosen to be the best women for the qualities they want. The pictures are just "pictures" to them/no feelings. Think about walking into a newsagents, you tell me how many women's magazines are on the "top shelf!" Absolutely none!! Do we women have a newspaper with a "page 3?!!" No there aren't coz there is no market for them! Men are different to women and I do not care what anyone thinks or says every man looks, just some are better than hiding than others!! You can be the most attractive, independent woman and do everything in the house, work, look after the kids and men will still look at other women. Just think, we watch romantic films hoping our partners will be our knit in shining armour always caring, loving sweeps you off your feet, weekends away! Well reality and the way we live we hardly ever hear of men bring like that towards their long term partners. Just think we are out at work all day, stressed and by the time you both come in from work or looking after the kids all day you're "knackered " what do you do go and take your makeup off and lounge in comfy clothes. The best of you has gone for that day and so it continues every day then we complain when they come in, about our day, maybe complain about what the "man" needs to do or hasn't done. His porn on the internet is there when he is stressed, doesn't give him grief, doesn't have periods, headaches, doesn't have problems to complain about and she's always there makes waiting and doesn't answer back. Ideal woman in his head but not real life is it. So all you women out there "stop" worrying about your man watching porn or looking at pictures because I'm dam sure I'd rather have my man fulfilling his needs doing that than chasing after another woman for real.

August 4, 2015 - 11:45pm
EmpowHER Guest

My bf saved pics of my daughter on his phonr he said he didnt but i know he had to save them for it to b there im not bothered that shes nineteen as far as im concerned its disgusting

August 4, 2015 - 1:32pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon
I assume he's your ex-boyfriend now!


August 4, 2015 - 4:35pm
EmpowHER Guest

II'm going through the same thing but i have a two year old boy and the man i'm engaged to has had pictures on his phone and tells me he doesn't know how they got they're this is the third time i found them when he knew i found em and was upset he told me he loves me and my son and he deleted them

May 13, 2015 - 1:22am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm going through the same thing. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now and I have broken down in tears telling him how much it upsets me yet he is laying in bed next to me right now downloading porn on his phone. He thinks I don't notice, he sits in the bathroom for a half hour at a time and every time I bring it up he says he won't do it anymore but a couple weeks later he is right back at it. I can't for the life of me understand how he can say he loves me so much yet he has to look at porn or naked strange women to get an erection or have an orgasm. I love him with all of my heart and I want to marry him someday but I don't know how to make him understand how much this porn addiction hurts me if crying my eyes out doesn't even get the message across.

May 6, 2015 - 3:36pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Mine does exactly the same thing, but it isn't just naked pics. It's profile pics and other pics of different girls on beaches, laid out in the snow. I'm not sure where he gets them all from. They look like pics from dating sites and FB. He has tons of them on his Ipad that I just came across. Very hurtful and humiliating!

July 10, 2015 - 1:58pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Many men can absolutely separate porn from their real sex lives. They can have a good sex life and download tons of porn. Some men can have sex with other women while still loving their wives and are active fathers. 

It really has less to do with you than the man you are with. 

If he doesn't want to change, he doesn't have to. Right now he has you (who loves him) and a ton of porn. You want to marry him despite all this so why should he change? Marriage will change nothing - in fact, it will make things even easier for him. 

You have a lot of thinking to do.  There is so much happiness to find out there and yet you're with a guy who won't even chose you over porn.   But it's your choice to stay. Only he can change himself - you can't "fix" him and he won't change for you. 

You love him. I'm sure he takes you out, treats you well, you have fun. But does he love you, in the real, adult and mature sense of the word?  Be really honest. You teach people how to treat you. You're crying and he's masturbating to other women and doing it right in front of you. I think you need to love yourself more. 



May 6, 2015 - 3:45pm
EmpowHER Guest

Im sorry I am a female and I have been in a relationship for 12 years boyfriend watches porn too. There is nothing you can do to stop are better off letting him do it. One thing I learned when I turned the situation around and I started watching porn. ..OMG!!! Trust me he didnt like think I may be comparing his penis size to some other guys.So trust me it all works both ways..If you truly love each other he's with you and your sleeping together and not running around on each other..Spice up the sex make it fun and interesting dress up for him..take control once in like to be ravaged too.. : )

April 13, 2015 - 9:18am
EmpowHER Guest

My ex-fiancé (as of today) and I have been having a lot of problems over the last couple of weeks about him saving several pictures of naked women on his phone and watching porn too much when I thought we had already agreed that he wouldn't do it again because I had told him it hurt my feelings. We talked about about it several times and I thought everything was going to be okay after he apologized. Last night I discovered, by accident, that he had just moved pictures from his phone to his email address. What bothered me the most was that among those several women was a picture of his ex girlfriend and of MY SISTER! My younger sisters ex boyfriend had photos of her uploaded to a porn site out of spite/revenge. My ex fiancé, instead of telling me so I could tell her saved them for his personal use. I was so hurt and so upset, I called off the engagement. We have been together for nearly three years and we do live together. Everything we own we share and we had a set life already. Because of that, we are still living together but I don't know what to do. I am so confused because I don't know if I can trust him with my family anymore. I don't know if I am over reacting and should just forgive and forget or if I should cut him out of my life for protection of my family. In spite of everything, I still love him. I'm just so hurt.

April 5, 2015 - 5:33pm
EmpowHER Guest

I think this is disguisting. I just saw on my mans phone that he has over 3700 images of women. I feel horrible over this. We have been together for 23 years and now I wonder what else he has been hiding from me. As of right now he has no idea that I know because he will be pissed when he finds out I looked on his phone. I can honestly say I was totally shocked. That sounds like a real problem to me. Nowonder he doesnt findme attractive. I wouldnt either if I was looking at young beautiful women without an ounce of fat on their bodies and someone doing ther make up and hair everyday. This has completely changed my thoughts and feelings for him. How can you love someone but have to look at pictires of people you dont even know to get turned on?? No wonder he doesnt want to have sex with me. He can do it himself with any model he finds online.

April 4, 2015 - 9:32pm
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