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my boyfriend does not want to have sex

By Anonymous April 24, 2010 - 10:00am
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i am 22yrs old and my boyfriend is 26. we both are together from past 1year. my boyfriend is very much disinterested in sex. in the past we were active but 4months back he moved in with me and since then we had sex only thrice. i tried talking about it but he looks down at me when i express my sexual desires. I want him to want to. I'm just not satisfied anymore and i m not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. I love him a lot, but not having sex has made me more frustrated. he tells everybody he is going to marry me and i am confused about what to do. is he gay? or cheating on me or impotent? how should i solve this problem

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,

There are many relationships that nose dive when it comes to sex. It is so exciting when you first have sex, then you get serious and you find yourself in a desert. There are so many things that may cause a low libido such as stress, depression, erectile dysfunction (even in young men) and so forth.

Communication is key to all relationship issues. You must talk to him to get to the root of the issue. Be open minded but be stern that you need answers.

Here is a link that is ongoing with EmpowHer about the same issue. You may find some things that are common to your specific situation that you may find helpful http://www.empowher.com/search/google?cx=001740413268797642882%3Axdyajny4mzk&cof=FORID%3A11&query=my+boyfriend&op=GO&form_build_id=form-fe1d9b07bc84b5b548213b8353addadd&form_token=4818d75199172c22478458c79c94b6fb&form_id=google_cse_results_searchbox_form#1066.

There are many women in your same situation. Don't forget communication is key to getting your answers. Will you please keep us updated on what you find out? Obviously, this is an important topic and any information that you can add, would be helpful to others. Good luck!

April 24, 2010 - 10:39am
(reply to Anonymous)

i have talked to him about it, but he is very shy to discuss it and makes me feel that i am very cheap. the last three times i had sex with him the duration of sex was less than 10seconds, which never ever satisfied me and i discussed this as well but he does not care. every morning i cuddle him and pamper him but nothing effects him. its been more than 2 months v have not kissed each other. i feel he only wants me as a dummy who can sit besides him and do not talk at all. i love him but i am not happy with him. please help

April 24, 2010 - 11:03am
HERWriter Guide (reply to kiran2)

Hi kiran2

Thanks for updating us and welcome!

If your boyfriend is making you feel cheap for talking about sex, then he has no right to even be your boyfriend. If you are (were) good enough to have sex with, then you are certainly good enough to talk about it.

You are both young, and have only been together for a year so I'm surprised that there is an issue with sex already.

I'm more worried about lack of kissing. Kissing is as intimate as having sex - sometimes even more so. His disconnect from you seems nearly complete.

He may be having health issues but if he refuses to even talk to you about it, then you are at an impasse.

As the age of 22, and with no children, your focus needs to be on you and your happiness. Not desperately waiting for a non-communicative boyfriend to give you a kiss - something he hasn't done in months.

Another mistake may have been moving him in. Rethink that decision. You need to feel happy and secure in your own home, not hurt, confused and left out.

He needs to spend less time telling people he's going to marry you (all that is, is words) and more time showing you he cares about you. A man who behaves like that is one to be very leery of. All show for his friends and then cold and distant at home - not acceptable.

kiran2, please sit down and talk to him. Be gentle in your approach but assertive. You need answers and deserve far better treatment. All the "but I love hims!" in the world won't make a relationship work. Love is a word but it is also an action. Without one, there is no other.

If he refuses to talk, to communicate or make things better, my advice is to stop living together. This doesn't have to mean your relationship is over but it has to be on your terms, as well as his. He doesn't not get to decide whether you get to be happy today, or not.

He may want to consider couples counseling too. But remember you are both young and still working things out. It will take time. Every relationship can be saved, if both parties really want it to!

What do you think?

April 24, 2010 - 11:23am
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