Facebook Pixel

My boyfriend has literally no sex drive...

By September 28, 2015 - 3:46pm
Rate This

I am 18 and my boyfriend is 26 and we hardly ever have sex anymore. We have been together for 9 months however the past 4 have been very lacklustre in the bedroom department. I have spoken to him and he opened up and said he simply has no drive nor desire to be intimate with me, or touch me or even get naked with me and simply feel each other. He has a good job that he loves, exercises regularly and is happy (difficult to get him to truly open up but I believe he isn't depressed or anything along those lines). We have a healthy relationship and work through problems like normal relationships. I constantly try and surprise him with sexual favours, outfits, new ideas, different positions etc. but nothing gets him truly excited or in the mood anymore. sex used to be wonderful but it's been ages since he's touched me and had sex with me like he thinks my body is the best thing ever.

A few things about my boyf that might help:
- he says he watches porn one to max two times a week and does finish
- I've recently (last two-ish months) had to stop taking bc because it messes with my hormones horribly therefore he hasn't been able to finish inside of me. This he claims was his favourite thing and now that he can't, it's a turn off and he can't enjoy sex. So I've offered him ample anal sex and to finish there but he still isn't interested.
- he cannot finish when wearing a Condom
- I have noticed that he doesn't stay erect for as long anymore

Anyways, hoping someone can shed some light on what to do from my perspective and also for me, how to handle the rejected feeling from it all :( I feel defeated and unsatisifed and unloved to an extent. At the moment I'm simply being super understanding and supportive toward him and if he says he doesn't want sex, I leave it there and we just cuddle.
Thanks xx

Add a Comment4 Comments

Hi, yes ir all comes to you aré giving everything you can and he isnt, and that os not the way a relationship should be.
He could be watching porn and finishing much moré than you think. He could be seeing someone else. He could have a big issue with stablishing intimate relationships, and that could be because of psychological things ir because of something even moré serios which is Aspergers. Sounds like he could be an Aspergers: good Job, stable, responsable, bit lack of emocional connection and intimacy. Look ay the chats pn empowher abolir Aspergers and ser what you think. BUT it seems that you can not do anything about this situation. You have tríed. He is not loving you, and he is not giving his 100%. I think it is time to move on, and be happy and loved by someone who puts the same level os interest, commitment and effort into the relationship.

September 29, 2015 - 7:59am
HERWriter Guide

Hi Elizabeth Rose

Thanks for your post!

I know relationships can be hard but you're a teen and not being treated very well. I also question why a 26 year old man is dating a teenager. Eight years isn't much when you get past 30 or 35 but it's huge at your age.

Firstly, try not to be so super understanding because your boyfriend may not be being honest with you. You've been together a very short time and already you're in a sexless relationship so there is something wrong. Your boyfriend has plenty of sex drive but just none for you.

I would check (if you can) about the extent of his porn use, I suspect it may be a lot more. He tells you he watches it one or two times a week and ejaculates every time but won't go near you.

Elizabeth Rose, he is not being honest. You're 18 and you seem smart and very nice but you're also very young. He isn't telling you the truth about what's going on. I can't tell you what that is but he can. I have no idea why he won't have sex with you due to a lack of birth control but that may be a convenient excuse. You a feeling defeated and unsatisfied and unloved and this guy is jacking off to porn every week. This is not ok!

If he chooses not to work on this and chooses porn over you, don't waste another minute. It's time to stop being understanding and start demanding a bit of respect.

I wish you the best,

September 28, 2015 - 3:54pm
(reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you for such a quick reply Susan, I appreciate it.
We both don't have passwords on our phones and he's always more than happy for me to just grab his and use it (or even if he's in the middle of something for me to just ask him for his and use it for whatever reason) so maybe I'll just ask to borrow it then have a look around. I know that probably sounds sneaky but I guess that's really the only way to see how much porn he's watching??
I know the age gap seems large.... I've always assumed people in their mid twenties were all for sex? Which is why I am so confused and hurt by it all.
I honestly don't feel like there is any infidelity going on. I trust him a lot - just not about the whole sex thing.

I'm at a loss. I offer him whatever sex whenever he wants. And all he gets caught up on is the fact I'm not on the pill therefore he has to wear a condom if he wants to finish inside of me or we have anal instead if finishing inside of me is the sensation he wants.

Is there anything I can do to make myself more attractive? Or to better please him? I try to be positive and enthusiastic about sex, yet also relaxed and make it fun but nothing.... Do you think I could be doing sex wrong??

September 28, 2015 - 5:43pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Elizabeth Rose)

Hi again Elizabeth Rose

I don't think you're doing sex "wrong" or that you need to make yourself more attractive or try to please him better. I think you need to stay being you.

You are internalizing this and blaming yourself, thinking it's your fault that the relationship isn't working well and it's not your fault. You need to stop internalizing things and look outward as to what's really going on.

If your boyfriend has some kind of issue going on then it's up to him to work on it and be honest about it. And again I question why a man his age is dating a teen. Maybe he knows you'll internalize and do everything to please him and he doesn't have to do much at all.

You're doing the best you can, and he isn't. That's pretty much what this comes down to.


September 29, 2015 - 4:14am
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!