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My boyfriend has lost interest in sex.

By April 12, 2010 - 3:10pm
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I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is about to turn 37 years old. We have been together for 2 years now, we live together and everything, have lived together for about the entire 2 years of us dating. In the begining of our relationship we had sex alot! And it was always him initiating it and he was soo affectionate and It made me feel so sexy and good about myself. I really felt like I hit the jackpot a guy that was loving affectionate very sexually interested in me. He made me feel like a princess. Now I know that he still loves me very very very much things are just different and its hard. I know things wont be in the honeymoon stage forever but we are running on about 3 weeks of no sex now and Im a very sexual person. Im sorry but I like sex and I would like it about twice a week. He is very stressed so I know that is a factor. He has some personal issues that prevent him from being very affectionate all the time. Just recently he realized how the things going on with him have been affecting me and I havent been happy and he tried ending the relationship because he felt I wasnt happy and deserved better. Im not as happy as I used to be thats true, we have things to work on but I love him and want to be with him and want to fix this. He has agreed to go to counseling and is on a waiting list to do so. So thats good I can see that he is trying but not having sex is making me feel undesirable, unattractive and just really low about myself. I know that he is stressed so I tried not to mention it or bring it up and to let him just work things out. However then it got out of hand. 3 weeks seems like a long time for me and is longer then we have ever gone before. It worries me bacause I have heard many stories about his past. He cant even count the number of sexual partners he has had. I have heard stories of him having sex with 4 different women in the same day. I understand that he is older now and his sex drive may be lowering but I just wonder. He used to obviously really like sex and even with me and now its just stopped. If I dont mention it there is no telling how long he could go without it. We have had many many conversations about it and I think he wants to change it but just cant because of stress or whatever reason. Now however when I mention it he gets a little defesive and says " you think I dont know that this is a issue, you act like I dont know that" and I tell him I know he is aware and we have discussed it before but I feel like if I dont mention it then it goes untalked about and nothing is resolved. It has come to the point were I am masterbating now, which I NEVER used to because im sexually frustrated which I dont like, it isnt satisfying really to me but I have to do something. I dont even initiate things with him anymore because I know more likely then not I will be rejected and I hate that feeling. I try and talk myself into initiating it and then I get scared and dont. I just miss the intimacy with him so much. Im just at a loss right now and would really like anyone's opinions or input on this situation. But please if your input is that he is cheating then I dont want to hear it. Not that im in denial that this could be and issue but Im just pretty positive that isnt it so dont even mention it please. I just need a little advice. Thank you.

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EmpowHER Guest

I'm male and around that age, and my libido is not anywhere close to when I was 20. Hopefully you were able to adjust to a lower amount of sex or you found an age-appropriate boyfriend.

October 16, 2016 - 6:13pm
EmpowHER Guest

im 22 and my boyfriend is 35 i feel the same as you that he has lost all interest in me we tend to fight alot about it sometimes i feel he will leave me because we argue so much sometimes the arguing becomes so much for me that i tend to drink and it dont take much for me to be drunk and being epileptic dont help much either how can i get him interested i feel worthless that something is wrong with me

August 26, 2015 - 4:26am
EmpowHER Guest

Yes this is a problem for my girlfriend. We went at it quite often. Then I had 'performance' issues which caused me to become frustrated, and so I would literally just become depressed and hate myself. We didn't have sex for a month after that, and then it never recovered. the issue is a bit physical, meaning, she is very 'small' and I am for lack of a better term, 'springy' which means I must reach a high level of 'hardness' to uh 'make it happen.' it seems like I get one chance, and then some psychological thing sets it, and then (cue sound effect), but it's really not funny at all, because we both want to, but our bodies won't cooperate.

I did have some Viagra for a short period which eliminated the problem, but you can't depend on that forever. I'm 30, she's 25.

Also she's bipolar, so she goes through periods of not wanting it, and then suddenly wanting it all the time, and I've developed some kind of aversion to it, because I'm afraid of the performance failure outcome.

In addition, there is the self-image problem. I have psoriasis, which over the past year has worsened to 'sensitive' areas, and it has a devastating effect on one's feeling of attractiveness and there is no cure.

I did previously have a problem with pornography, it's easily accessible and if you become accustomed to masturbating, you will become 'asexual' and then have to slowly cross the bridge back to your partner by ridding yourself of video porn.

We both have mild depression and don't take any medication.

Another thing problem is 'overexposure'. My partner and I both work-at-home, entrepreneurial types, so i'm always here. She's almost always here. In fact, it's very rare that she's ever alone. If she leaves, she sees students. When she comes home, I'm here. When I leave for a couple of weeks and come back, we have sex like we first met. Also, my girlfriend is very touch-feely, so she's in constant contact with me, and sometimes too much physical contact dissolves the sexual tension that needs to build up for a performance.

Also, neither of us have had sex very much and quite frankly aren't very good at it.

Lastly, she complains of pain every time we do it - This is because of an existing gynecological condition which she doesn't want to get treatment for. Her vagina is very small, so it can develop yeast infection easily, and she can only tolerate sex for about five minutes. So, seeing her in pain, over a period of time kind of acted as a deterrent.

So, here you have eight detrimental factors: Male performance frustration/anger, biological impedence, skin condition, general depression, bipolar disorder, overexposure and vaginal pain.

And yet, we still manage to have sex once in a blue moon. Usually in the morning.

Sometimes men are so focused on a project or work, that sex doesn't even enter their mind. But, it doesn't mean you're any less attractive, nor does their inability to gain erection mean this, sometimes it's just a confluence of factors, and all you can do is keep trying and trying.

But definitely make sure your man cuts down on porn, or at least watch it with you, if you permit, so he doesn't leave you for his laptop.

Occasionally my girlfriend just kind of attacks me out of nowhere, and at first I resist, because I'm worried about the expectation and the cooperation required, but I'm always glad she did.

May 22, 2011 - 10:55pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,
You are certainly not alone as you can tell. Communication is key to any issue in a relationship and speaking about this amongst each other will certainly benefit each other. Good luck.


January 30, 2011 - 10:27am
EmpowHER Guest

Hey, I know exactly what you are saying! Me and my bf have been together for 2 years and im 18 and he is 20. We use to have sex all of the time,and as u said in your story, I have heard of his past sexual relationships and he can't even count how many girls he has slept with. Which means he has had many! We use to have sex like 3 or four times a day! now its like once every other month! I got use to the sex and the feeling, the lust and love. All of that made me feel so good, so loved, on top of the pleasure. I try and try to talk to him and all he says is Im tired of sex, ive had it so much i just don't want to anymore! WTF kind of stuff is that? Guys that age only think about sex! And like you I know for a face he is not cheating! We live together! I have tried everything! I tried not wanting it, ignoring him, tried turning him on, tried everything that use to. Now im stuck with masturbating! I dont do that! Never have! Now Im stuck with it! im not a hoe. I have only had sex with him and one other before i met him. But damn i feel ugly now which i know is not the cause of this! I know for a face that he is not cheating because that one time a month i do get him to have sex with me he cums within 2 minutes. So i am very sexually frustrated. Not only because i have to beg him for it, but when I do get it he cums so FAST!

January 24, 2011 - 8:12pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for you post! No woman should have beg for sex; it's humiliating.

I'm glad you have tried to talk to him about it but like you, I have great difficulity in believing he's had too much sex in his life already (no matter how many girls he has had in bed, he's still only 20 so I doubt it's in the hundreds!) and doesn't want it anymore.

However, if this IS what he says and if this IS how he feels then he has made his choice. Now you have to make yours. Tell him he needs to work on this or the relationship simply won't work.

And just to add about the cheating, since you brought it up twice - married men who live with their families cheat, even if it seems he's never away from his family. Men have sex with other women on lunch breaks, even 15 minute coffee breaks! They also have emotional affairs. I'm not saying this is the case with him but don't feel someone isn't cheating (especially a 20 year old male who is used to having a lot of sex) just because he lives with you or ejaculates quickly. Something has to have happened and he won't tell you what it is so it appears he may be keeping some secrets. It's time to put this to rest and either have him work with you to fix things or go your own separate ways because every women deserves a active and happy sex life as well as an emotional attachment to her partner.

I wish you the best,

January 26, 2011 - 12:16pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

I hope you ladies don't mind a man jumping in here :)
I agree with Susan about begging for sex, however that goes for both men and women. It's equally humiliating for men. A healthy sex life is so important for both sexes. Both men and women need an a active happy sex life with emotional attachment.

I find it ironic that some women act like men are consumed by sex and then we hear of situations like these where it seems like women are consumed by sex. I'm sorry that you are going through this it is one of the most challenging things one could work through. I was in a
marriage where my wife didn't want to have sex. We would make love maybe once every other month for 2.5 years. I understand your pain. Thank you for admitting that you masturbate because you feel you have no other choice. Ladies, often times this is exactly how your men feel, but they won't admit it to you. This is a little off subject but think about this ladies, I know of no man ( although I admit there must be some) that prefers masturbation, even while watching porn, over sex with his loving, available, happy wife. The insensitivity goes both ways.

In my case my, soon to be ex-wife, was cheating with her "gay" best friend. She has moved in with him now so my story didn't end well. I'm not saying he is cheating on you. I suggest letting him know that you want an open and honest conversation about this.
Many men will not tell you what the real problem is because they fear your reaction to the truth will be way worse than if they just don't tell you. I don't like this fact about men but it's true we do this. So think about this, do you over-react to small challenges in your relationship? Do you use emotional manipulation in these situations to get your way? Do you nag him about some of these challenges? It may not make sense to you, but logically to men it makes perfect sense NOT to tell you what the really big challenge is if we already know you have flipped out over insignificant ones. The up side to this is he really loves you or he wouldn't be doing this. It's odd but it may also be true. If it is, he is going to need to feel "safe" telling you how he feels. He needs to know you aren't going to blame him, but that you want to work it out with him. Just telling him this isn't going to work. Actions are more important. Show him you can handle the little things with love and understanding and in time he will share the big things with you.

We put far to little time into forgiveness in our relationships and far to much time complaining about what we deserve. Odds are he isn't happy either. You know why you aren't happy, but you may have yet to find out why he isn't.

Good luck I pray you two work it out. I wish my ex and I could have.

January 27, 2011 - 5:51am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Well thank you for your imput. What do you think as a man the problem is? I'm not un attractive I dnt think. Sometimes I feel like he is with me only because e doesn't want anyone else to have me and frankly I'm not happy but I keep hoping things will work out. I don't say anyting to him about it but a lot of what he does lateley gets on my nerves. He is so into hhimself and I'm so frustrated I feel ugly, and depressed!

January 27, 2011 - 4:17pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Every man is different so I could only speak for me. The only reason I wouldn't want to make love to my lady is if I knew she didn't want to be with me at all. If she constantly refuses to be with me that would do it. However you will need to ask him. He is the only one that knows what's going on in his head. Sounds like an open honest non-judgmental conversation needs to happen. Again he needs to feel safe telling you what's really going on. So if you really love him and want to get to the bottom of this, you can't retaliate no matter the reason he gives you for not wanting to have sex. At least then you can decide if you want to continue this or not. He needs to know how you feel as well. Hidding or denying your feelings and needs will only hurt both of you more in the end. Talk to him.

I'm sorry this is happening. No one likes to feel that their partner doesn't find them sexy or attractive. It hurts and it's very painful. Good luck with this, and again I'm sorry you are going through this.

January 28, 2011 - 1:35pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Well thank u for your help,but I have tried many times to have this deep conversation with him and he gets defensive and says things like: I just don't like sex!which totally blows my mind. I'm afraid he isn't attracted to me anymore.

January 28, 2011 - 1:55pm
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