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I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is about to turn 37 years old. We have been together for 2 years now, we live together and everything, have lived together for about the entire 2 years of us dating. In the begining of our relationship we had sex alot! And it was always him initiating it and he was soo affectionate and It made me feel so sexy and good about myself. I really felt like I hit the jackpot a guy that was loving affectionate very sexually interested in me. He made me feel like a princess. Now I know that he still loves me very very very much things are just different and its hard. I know things wont be in the honeymoon stage forever but we are running on about 3 weeks of no sex now and Im a very sexual person. Im sorry but I like sex and I would like it about twice a week. He is very stressed so I know that is a factor. He has some personal issues that prevent him from being very affectionate all the time. Just recently he realized how the things going on with him have been affecting me and I havent been happy and he tried ending the relationship because he felt I wasnt happy and deserved better. Im not as happy as I used to be thats true, we have things to work on but I love him and want to be with him and want to fix this. He has agreed to go to counseling and is on a waiting list to do so. So thats good I can see that he is trying but not having sex is making me feel undesirable, unattractive and just really low about myself. I know that he is stressed so I tried not to mention it or bring it up and to let him just work things out. However then it got out of hand. 3 weeks seems like a long time for me and is longer then we have ever gone before. It worries me bacause I have heard many stories about his past. He cant even count the number of sexual partners he has had. I have heard stories of him having sex with 4 different women in the same day. I understand that he is older now and his sex drive may be lowering but I just wonder. He used to obviously really like sex and even with me and now its just stopped. If I dont mention it there is no telling how long he could go without it. We have had many many conversations about it and I think he wants to change it but just cant because of stress or whatever reason. Now however when I mention it he gets a little defesive and says " you think I dont know that this is a issue, you act like I dont know that" and I tell him I know he is aware and we have discussed it before but I feel like if I dont mention it then it goes untalked about and nothing is resolved. It has come to the point were I am masterbating now, which I NEVER used to because im sexually frustrated which I dont like, it isnt satisfying really to me but I have to do something. I dont even initiate things with him anymore because I know more likely then not I will be rejected and I hate that feeling. I try and talk myself into initiating it and then I get scared and dont. I just miss the intimacy with him so much. Im just at a loss right now and would really like anyone's opinions or input on this situation. But please if your input is that he is cheating then I dont want to hear it. Not that im in denial that this could be and issue but Im just pretty positive that isnt it so dont even mention it please. I just need a little advice. Thank you.
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hey, im 17 yrs old and my boyfriend is 20, we have been together since i was 15. i do my schooling thro tafe so spend alot of time with my boyfriend, his brother is also my bestfriend, he is actally how we met. i know im quite pretty, but i could be deludeing myself.. my boyfriend and i waited for my 16 birthday before we had sex and i was his friend ( but we both liked each other) for a year before we started 'dating', back then he was into me and intiated everything and wanted to show me off to everyone, he was happy..
August 11, 2010 - 2:40ambut now he is always playing online games and has little interst in me, im still with him all the time, and somtimes he just fiddles with me and we do have sex but he gose limp and i dry up, he inst as excited about it, its just a release now i think.. he always says he loves me... mayb he is gay.. i dont know im so confused... we have talked about it.
please help me and him are supose to move in together soon..
This Comment
Hi,
Have you thought about the possibility that maybe you two aren't meant for each other in the long run? I know relationships are so difficult when you feel in your hear that you are "meant" for each other, but if you are already experiencing these types of low's in the relationship...it is at least time to take a few steps back. This is not normal behavior for young and new relationships (I know it does not feel new, like you've known each other forever, but I'm comparing "new" to being married for decades).
One response I've seen other women provide as very helpful: take time for yourself. If he is fiddling with online games and such, find some things you enjoy without your boyfriend. EIther way, it will do you a world of good (if you stay together or break up). Really concentrate on yourself: what you enjoy, what you excel in.
Take moving-in together off the table. If you are meant to move-in together, then taking time for yourselves will not ruin the relationship. Promise. If the relationship does not thrive with both of you taking time to yourself, then it was not meant to be. Still spend quality time together, but talk with him about your concerns that moving in may be stressing you two out. It makes perfect sense that you have this huge upcoming change ahead of you...and both of you are not performing and/or responding sexually to each other like you used to. The remedy: take the outside pressures, timelines, deadlines and stressors out of the equation to see how your relationship progresses.
November 21, 2010 - 2:56pmThis Comment
I have definitely thought of this of course however there is something that is telling me we belong together, it is almost a fairy tale story. I know every woman can say that about when they met their boyfriends but it's true, I lived in Florida and him in South Africa, we work for the same company and I do all the reporting and data for SA. We met first time through video conference and a week later he came to FL for training, when we met it was instantaneous, I was even in a relationship of 3 years when I met my BF and I couldn't get him out of my mind, as much as I resisted I was drawn to his zest for life, I left my ex and my BF and I continued a long distance relationship for nearly 2 years. I moved to SA to be with him in Feb of this year. There are other factors I must take into consideration and I constantly have to remind myself of. He is a straight shooter and has no issues telling me or anyone for that matter exactly what is on his mind so I know without a doubt he loves me. A few things to ponder is 1) he has been a bachelor now for the last 15 years or more, he was married once and divorced. Now after 15 years of loneliness and no one but himself to worry about he now has a finance with a child that is not his (however he treats her as his own). He also has never taken care of a child let alone been around children much. 2) work is very stressful for him and he is deeply involved in work, we work for the same company and I know what he deals with and goes through including late nights and long hours 24/7, we work Forensics in Africa so you can imagine the stress and work load that entails. 3) emotional he is a bit jaded and withdrawn, he is an ex street cop in SA and I can't even fathom half the things he has been through, though I have heard some and it's enough to make anyone withdrawn. plus he's had his heart broken alot and he is totally alone, no family left. 4) The times we spent together and the amazing sex life we had was all vacation couple and we didn't have everyday life nagging us so all we had was each other. it's hard to think of these things in context and I constantly need to remind and remind myself of these factors. It's tough too I went from a totally independent single mom on my own to moving to a new country without my friend circle and own life. I am still adapting to life here and it's trying on us both. It's a very complicated situation and very confusing and frustrating and then you add cultural differences and age gap in the mix and it becomes more frustrating. It's hard, he says he is attracted to me and he knows this is an issue but it feels like nothing is being done and I am afraid to even initiate because I will get shot down. I hate to pressure him as he deals with enough daily at work but GRRRR I just need to feel that toe curly butterflies we use to have. Does this all make sense or do I sound totally crazy?
November 23, 2010 - 2:45pmThis Comment
dont let this go on. Ihave been in a sexless, loveless relationship for five years, actually since falling pregnant with our son. I have caught him watching porn so many times which he denies i feel worthless and unattractative ( which im not as i get lots of attention from males, but not my partner) There is no affection, i never hear "i love you" and I dont know what to do, I cry myself to sleep at nights while I know he is watching porn. I dont want my son to think that all relationships are like this. I have tried on numerous occassions to talk to him about the physical and emotional aspect of this so called relationship but he doesnt think there is a problem. He is happy to go out with friends ( we never go out together either) have his meals on the table house cleaned and our son looked after but my feelings do not count. I have also asked if he is or has had an affair which he also denies. Sometimes it would be easier for me to understand the lack of interest if he was
May 8, 2010 - 5:02amThis Comment
I went through the same thing for years and I say you should get out while you are young enough and start a life on your own with your son if other men find you attractive then the attention will boost your self esteem. Your son needs to see you happy that's the best and if being on your own does that than that's ok too. It will be tough to start but believe me it gets better and you will find so eons who loves and wants you and makes you feel special everyday!
November 26, 2010 - 9:26pmThis Comment
Anon,
I'm so sorry. It sounds like you are living in a little slice of emotional hell. It is not good for you or your son to be in a loveless relationship. All relationships are NOT like this. You deserve more communication, more consideration and total honesty. Do you consider leaving? I imagine you are staying because of your son, but it doesn't sound like the best environment for him, either. Please know that there is more for you in the world than cleaning a house, putting meals on the table and catering to someone who acts as though you aren't even there. Your advice to others is to not let this go on. Can I give you the same advice?
May 10, 2010 - 9:14amThis Comment
the worst reply she had
November 28, 2010 - 5:01amThis Comment
Thank you for your reply and of course you are right, I have put him out numerous times (it's my house) but he always crawls back saying things will change and he wants to be with me. Things may improve for a few weeks then its back to "normal" He now sleeps in our sons bed and my son sleeps with me. I know that I have to be strong and sort this out once and for all which was to be tonight my parents have my son ( Im working early tomorrow) when I came back to the house he had gone out but it can keep till tomorrow as you wrote I have got to think of my son. Thanks again
May 10, 2010 - 1:22pmThis Comment
Anonymous,
It's a very hard situation you're in. Especially since it has to be your decision as to whether he leaves or stays, or comes back to your home. Perhaps next time, if there is a next time, one of your conditions is that the two of you go to couples counseling before you consider moving back in together? He probably won't like the idea of it, but it will show you whether he has a commitment to making the relationship work. You are worth more than this, and your son is, too. Sometimes all we can do is take baby steps, but as long as we take them, they add up to be big changes. Don't hesitate to write back if you need to, we are here to support you in every way that we can. Take care of your son first and you will make all the right decisions, Anon. You will.
May 12, 2010 - 8:10amThis Comment
Viagra, in his dinner?
May 5, 2010 - 5:20pmThis Comment