Facebook Pixel

My boyfriend has no interest in foreplay

By June 7, 2010 - 8:25am
Rate This

I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months. We love each other, are best friends and have a perfect relationship except for one thing...he has not ever, nor does he ever seem like he will, participate in foreplay. We have consistently had sex about 4 times a week, sometimes more, so it's not the quantity I'm worried about, but the quality.

When I first brought it up, he told me that he used to give his ex oral and that there were some times that she had an odor and it really turned him off from it. It later came out that she was cheating on him. I said I'd be happy to shower right before, etc..but he has never attempted to venture down south. When I bring it up, he says, "baby steps", but it has now been over a year. It also took him forever to even use his fingers to rub it, and even now that will only occur one out of every ten times. He doesn't seem to like to kiss during sex and he doesn't want me to give him oral sex because it makes him feel bad for not reciprocating. So I'm kind of at a loss here.

Most of the time I suck it up, remembering that at the end of the day, I love him so much, I know he loves me and I don't want to make him feel worse. There are times, however, when I get dowKn on myself, thinking He just must think I'm fat or ugly or not sexy, etc. I can't help but wonder these things when he seems ton have zero passion for me. I also feel personally offended, in a way, for having to pay for his foul smelling cheating ex. I have found that I have to "dirty talk" as him in my own head or fantasize about what I wish he was doing/saying to me, just to get turned on for sex.

The funny thing is that I have taught classes on foreplay, sex, and bondage. I'm the go-to person my friends and others come to when they have a question...so I feel a little bit confused that I can't seem to help myself!! Sidenote: we are both 40 and have had the same number of sexual partners....so I guess maybe he's just beyond vanilla and I'm more open-minded/adventurous?

I don't want this to ruin our relationship, but I don't know how to get it across to him that I am a sexual person and I need this passion. I would never cheat on him and I also don't want him to do something because he feels bullied. I just feel like we need to get this worked out now because it's not going to get any easier as the years go on.

Sorry to ramble, but I wanted to try and get as much background info out there as I could so you all would be able to provide the best advice possible.

I love this site by the way!!!

Add a Comment3 Comments

Hi there and thanks for your helpful response. He has had sex/relationships prior to the ex, but I've never really delved into them because it's his past, etc. I do know that the ex in question stopped having sex with him the last 3 years of their marriage. I don't know if it had anything to do with her affair or if he just ceased with the foreplay on her or a combo, etc. Basically I was the first person he had sex with in over 4 years...so I chalked up his hesitancy to just needing to get his feet wet again, but now it is worrying me cause he's not taking those "baby steps" at all. When I bring it up, he acknowledges that he's still working on it.

I will have a chat with him tonight and bring up counseling. I've even given him books that I've highlighted and wrote things in like "ooh, this is a good tip -- you can't go wrong with this"....basically I've given him a fail proof method of what I like...just to help him take out the guesswork....and nothing.

Fingers crossed that the talk will go well. I keep telling myself, what if he was in an accident or physically unable to have sex with me...I wouldn't think of leaving him then. Our relationship is truly perfect in every other way...which makes this suck even more.

Thanks again for your advice.

June 7, 2010 - 12:18pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Ggbobeena)

You really have a wonderful attitude and are very caring - your boyfriend is lucky to have you.

I would think this is all about the cheating and his emotional response. He may still imagine her being with another man physically - especially having that act done to her and he cannot get past it. I really don't think the fact that an ex had an odor 'down there' has anything to do with this at all. That is a mere side-line symptom, not a cause. And it's probably easier to go with that (in addition to saying it in order to belittle her, in a way, as punishment) that admit he cannot get over being cheated on. Intercourse is very intimate, of course, but in some ways, foreplay is even more intimate and I think he has been badly damaged by her infidelities.

I'm sure he is over her from an emotional sense but she may have had an STD from another man, evidenced by odor (or did not shower after relations with another man). With you, what if he was with you in foreplay and sense the same thing? (I am SO not saying your have an odor, but I hope you know what I mean!). I think he can now only be so intimate, until he pushes away again.

I think counseling can really help him. If he brings up the odor thing again, just gently bring it up that you think this isn't the issue at all. It's not his fault (nor yours) but he has never been healed.

Let us know how things go for you, I do hope he listens to you. Both of you really deserve a shot together, as a couple.


June 7, 2010 - 12:47pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Ggbobeena!

Thanks for your post and we're delighted you like EmpowHer!

You are in a pickle, aren't you? I can't imagine sex being just immediate intercourse. Not only may that be a little physically uncomfortable, it also seems very Puritan.

Unfortunately, you seem to paying the price for your boyfriend's sexual history which is very unfair.

We have all had stinky exes! Ok, maybe not all of us but we all know someone without the best personal hygiene. It doesn't mean we refuse to meet another human being based on the premise that we know another human being who is smelly - therefore everyone else might be! This isn't very logical.

Since he will not allow oral sex on him either, nor any other kind of foreplay, it does seem like your sex life is probably very much on the perfunctory side, without much passion, as you say.

Has he only has this one other ex? Is that why he might think all women are this way?

Good relationships aside, a bad sex life can ruin things. I would suggest that you go for couples counseling. It sounds like this is emotional/mental, as well as physical.

And to be honest, I'm not quite sure I believe that all this stems from one ex girlfriend. I would suggest something more is going on although I can't tell you what.

It's unfair to make you feel unwanted and/or dirty, just because of his past. Couples counseling, as well as sex therapy for him might be necessary to make things work. A bad sex life left untreated (like any health/emotional condition) will only get worse and if things are otherwise going well with you, it's time to get this sorted before it causes the demise of your relationship.

Do you think he'd go for therapy?

June 7, 2010 - 11:37am
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!