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I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months. We love each other, are best friends and have a perfect relationship except for one thing...he has not ever, nor does he ever seem like he will, participate in foreplay. We have consistently had sex about 4 times a week, sometimes more, so it's not the quantity I'm worried about, but the quality.
When I first brought it up, he told me that he used to give his ex oral and that there were some times that she had an odor and it really turned him off from it. It later came out that she was cheating on him. I said I'd be happy to shower right before, etc..but he has never attempted to venture down south. When I bring it up, he says, "baby steps", but it has now been over a year. It also took him forever to even use his fingers to rub it, and even now that will only occur one out of every ten times. He doesn't seem to like to kiss during sex and he doesn't want me to give him oral sex because it makes him feel bad for not reciprocating. So I'm kind of at a loss here.
Most of the time I suck it up, remembering that at the end of the day, I love him so much, I know he loves me and I don't want to make him feel worse. There are times, however, when I get dowKn on myself, thinking He just must think I'm fat or ugly or not sexy, etc. I can't help but wonder these things when he seems ton have zero passion for me. I also feel personally offended, in a way, for having to pay for his foul smelling cheating ex. I have found that I have to "dirty talk" as him in my own head or fantasize about what I wish he was doing/saying to me, just to get turned on for sex.
The funny thing is that I have taught classes on foreplay, sex, and bondage. I'm the go-to person my friends and others come to when they have a question...so I feel a little bit confused that I can't seem to help myself!! Sidenote: we are both 40 and have had the same number of sexual partners....so I guess maybe he's just beyond vanilla and I'm more open-minded/adventurous?
I don't want this to ruin our relationship, but I don't know how to get it across to him that I am a sexual person and I need this passion. I would never cheat on him and I also don't want him to do something because he feels bullied. I just feel like we need to get this worked out now because it's not going to get any easier as the years go on.
Sorry to ramble, but I wanted to try and get as much background info out there as I could so you all would be able to provide the best advice possible.
I love this site by the way!!!
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Hi there and thanks for your helpful response. He has had sex/relationships prior to the ex, but I've never really delved into them because it's his past, etc. I do know that the ex in question stopped having sex with him the last 3 years of their marriage. I don't know if it had anything to do with her affair or if he just ceased with the foreplay on her or a combo, etc. Basically I was the first person he had sex with in over 4 years...so I chalked up his hesitancy to just needing to get his feet wet again, but now it is worrying me cause he's not taking those "baby steps" at all. When I bring it up, he acknowledges that he's still working on it.
I will have a chat with him tonight and bring up counseling. I've even given him books that I've highlighted and wrote things in like "ooh, this is a good tip -- you can't go wrong with this"....basically I've given him a fail proof method of what I like...just to help him take out the guesswork....and nothing.
Fingers crossed that the talk will go well. I keep telling myself, what if he was in an accident or physically unable to have sex with me...I wouldn't think of leaving him then. Our relationship is truly perfect in every other way...which makes this suck even more.
Thanks again for your advice.
June 7, 2010 - 12:18pmThis Comment