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My boyfriend & I aren't having as much sex as we used to

By November 6, 2009 - 11:21pm
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Okay, so I'm 21, & my boyfriend is 23, & we have great relationship. We have been together for almost 2 years. The only problem is that our sex live keeps going down more & more & I can't take it. I have a very high sex drive, & my boyfriend seems to have a pretty low one. Don't get me wrong, when we have sex, it's wonderful. When we first started going out, we would have sex like 3 or 4 times a day, now I'm lucky if it's twice a week. We spend 24/7 together, but our relationship isn't like most others. We work at the same place, & we rarely get sick of each other. Yes, we have our little arguments, but we get over them & the reason we spend so much time together is because we can't get enough of each other, & can't stand to spend a minute apart. It just gets me really frustrated when I am the only one initiating sex, every night, & he always comes up with an excuse. He has a kid with his ex girlfriend, who he never talks to, & I don't like the fact that he has a kid very much, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I'm wondering if that has anythig to do with it. Please help?

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Susan gave you wonderful advice, and I am wondering if you've talked...and really listened...with your boyfriend about his child. Your first post sounded like the child is more of a nuisance to you, and then your subsequent posts say that your boyfriend is going through a situation of trying to remedy the child custody issues?! Do you see the discrepancy here: you are worried that your boyfriend isn't having more sex with you ("showing his love", perhaps), and I'm wondering if you are feeling insecure that his attention and emotional, physical energy are being spent on his child and the custody issue, and that you don't think enough of it is being spent on you? Deep down...do you think this is a fear you may have? What happens if your boyfriend has custody, or spends more time with his child that you don't like in his life...are you afraid of what that means to you, or to your relationship with him, or that you will need to have a different perspective on his child?

This is HUGE in his life, and I'm hoping you are able to support him emotionally through this process; it could really drain him and he may not feel like having sex frequently at this time. Even if you don't think this child custody "thing" is a big deal for him...it is definitely some type of stressor that could be weighing on him just enough to cause a difference in his sex drive.

Plus...you say you love him, and this child is in the way...do you think that he may be worried that you feel this way toward his child?

November 8, 2009 - 2:13pm
HERWriter Guide


Thanks for the update - hopefully he'll get the custody issue sorted out. A child belongs with his mom or dad so both need to step up to the plate and get things settled.

With regard to your situation, I think you'll have to sit down and talk with him about your concerns. Only he can tell you if there is a problem.

And Brianne, believe me, your friends and girlfriends will always be there for you. Dumping your friends for a guy is never a good idea and it's more than a bad habit - it's a terrible habit! I sense that perhaps you're insecure, despite never having being cheated on. You might be an "all or nothing" kind of person and this can be a great thing! Passion is wonderful! But don't immerse yourself in a man, at the expense of your girlfriends. I have a great husband and a great marriage but my girlfriends are extremely important to me and I don't know if I even could be happy without them. Same sex friends in particular, are very important. Re-establish contact if you can and be big enough to apologize and say you made a mistake for dumping them. Put yourself in their situation. Friends will be your lifeline when things go wrong and will be there to give you advice when you need it (like now!).

Ok, enough with the lecture, go and talk to your boyfriend and sort things out - you sound like a good soul :) And then put a few phone calls in to your friends and get back together with them. It's isn't a them-or-him situation. You can have friends and a boyfriend and it's very important to have both.

You take care of yourself and keep us updated.

November 7, 2009 - 4:31pm
EmpowHER Guest

Thank you, but until we each get separate jobs, we're not going to be spending much time apart. He would definitely tell me if he didn't feel like he was getting enough space. I honestly even dropped most of my friends just to be with him, only because that's what I do whenever I get a boyfriend. I know it's a bad habit, but I really have no idea why I do it. I've never been cheated on, so I have no trust issues. We have mutual friends that we hang out with a lot, just not separately.
About the child; the other grandmother, his ex-girlfriend's mother, is his child's primary guardian. He lives with her, & they have certain days where they switch with him on and off. Neither him nor his ex-girlfriend have full custody of the child yet, they're still in the process of an appeal.

November 7, 2009 - 1:56pm
HERWriter Guide

Dear Brianne

Thanks for your post and welcome!

It difficult for us to tell you what aspects of your boyfriends life (or mindset) are contributing to the decrease in your sex life, since we aren't a party to his life or know what's going on in his head.

Being in love, especially when younger can lead to the whole "we can't stand to be apart for a minute!" thing and this is fine. Young love often feels this way but after two years, he may be feeling that all this time together is getting to be a bit much. This isn't to say he's not in love with you anymore or wants to break up - but maybe he needs a little space and may feel like you're putting pressure on him. No-one wants to feel like this so give him a little more space.

Having sex 4 times a day is fine but so is having it twice a week, if that's his comfort level. Don't mistake quantity for quality. You said that when you have sex every few days, it's wonderful. So go with that, enjoy it and don't make it a numbers game. I can understand it's frustrating if you want it more, but maybe some time apart is a good idea. People in love spend time apart all the time, they are at work, or going out with their friends, while their loved one is doing his own thing. Again, don't confuse being together 24/7 as being necessarily a good thing. It's ok to do your own thing and meet back up again later. In fact, it can help the relationship.

You said he never speaks to the mother of his child. How can that be? How do they arrange visitation and child support if they never speak?

November 7, 2009 - 5:59am
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