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My boyfriend masterbates while I'm sleeping

By November 30, 2011 - 6:24pm
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Hello. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night because the bed was shaking. At first, I didn't really know what was going on because it took my senses a while to come back to me. The television was still on and all the lights were off, but my boyfriend was shaking the bed. I started to ask him what the hell he was doing, but before I completely turned my head I saw his shadow on the wall. He was masterbating vigorously. I didn't know what to do or say so I just continued to lay still and quiet to try to let him finish. Well 25 minutes later I'm still laying there waiting for him to finish. We had already had sex three times that day so I was very confused as to why he was up masterbating. I felt two very different emotions at the same time...confusion and excitement. I'm not sure which one I felt more, but they both were very powerful. As I lay there listening and slightly watching him, I was getting excited. I have never seen him do it before, and since he didn't know I was watching he was very into it. Eventually he abruptly stopped masterbating so I closed my eyes and pretended to be sleep. Then I felt him roll over closer to me and start to take my pants off. He then proceeded to have sex with me. Well it didn't last very long (because he spent most of his time masterbating) so I got very frustrated. I wanted to know why he would get himself almost to the edge and then "wake me up" to finish. I felt that was a very selfish thing for him to do because I couldn't get any enjoyment out of it. For a couple of minutes I said nothing because I really didn't want him to feel embarrassed knowing that I saw him masterbating. As I lay there I got more and more frustrated so I said something to him.

Unfortunately he got an attitude and the conversation turned into a heated disagreement. He said that he just wanted to have an orgasm and figured he would give himself one. He also said that sometimes he doesn't climax when we have sex and he doesn't know why so he tries to masterbate it out later. I became even more confused because if that was the case he would not have turned over and had sex with me to finish himself off.

I guess my question is...is this normal? Do guys do things like this often? How should I feel about this? We never really finished our conversation because he got mad at me and then I got mad at him. I told him it was rude to do it laying right in the bed next to me, and even ruder to "wake me up" without caring about the fact that I was getting no pleasure because he was already almost done. What should I do?

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EmpowHER Guest

I honestly don't see a reason to be upset with him, if he is having problems getting off maybe you should help him. My boyfriend and I never usually have any problems but if there is a problem and he needs to finish I will make out with him while he's masterbating so that he can finally climax. This is very rare, but it can happen especially if he fights off his organism during sex by slowing way down so it can last longer. It's about compromise. Honestly even when he masterbates, it's a turn on to me as well

November 18, 2016 - 6:52am

My boyfriend does the same while I'm sleep r woke then he lies about it and says I'm delusional when I know what is going on in bed next to me. I don't know what to do I'm in love with him and we r expecting our 1st child together but I can't take this any longer it's making me crazy. Why does he do this and for what reason? He doesn't have sex with me as much as he masturbates. I'm totally game if he lets me join in but he always say I'm imaging that's he's doing it. Should I leave and say the hell with him r should I try to make him understand that we can both be happy with this as long as we do this together. Whatever it is I'm ready to make that move.

July 13, 2016 - 2:30am
EmpowHER Guest

oh dear lord this thread is full of delusional women.

June 27, 2016 - 11:31pm
EmpowHER Guest

First off I didn't want to upset some of you women but here's a fact for you. Did you know most guys with normal sexual health wake up 3-5 times a night with a hardon. It's perfectly normal and actually would be something to worry about if they don't.
In my case it wakes me up, this could be due to the fact that we go through REM sleep cycles and we usually wake towards the end of them. The longer the REM the more likely to wake that's why you usually remember your last dream.
Anyway if like me your fella wakes up and has a hard on it could very well be that he's doing what's programmed naturally into him to get back to sleep! Not waking you up, wanting a decent sleep himself and doing something about it.

Now I'm not saying this is the case in every one of the statements above but try having a little compassion and not just thinking the guys literally a tosser or worse addicted to porn. He might actually be functioning normally and be getting annoyed with the fact he can't sleep! It could be the case in years to come where and again this is well documented that this stops and he struggles getting hard due to age. This will be crushing for him and he'll be mortified.

So ladies don't let midnight, during the night or morning wood insult you. I'm not saying it's the case in every case but maybe not take it so much as an insult. Talk to you guys and show some understanding. You may get pissed that he doesn't wake you up, he might not want to to not disturb your sleep, he may even just be so knackered that like me sometimes it's just the only way to get back to sleep and sex would be an absolute mission.
I love my partner, I love sex with her and would miss it dearly but sometimes or in fact quite often I have to "knock one out" just to get back to sleep.

Give your guys a rest. Literally.

It's not all bad and don't naturally think the worst.

June 18, 2016 - 7:41pm
EmpowHER Guest

I caught my husband doing the same thing. He was shaking the bed and i looked over at him and he's watching a video on his phone just going at it, vigorously masturbating. I got really pissed because he KNOWS I love sex and he didnt bother waking me up. He gave me some bullshit story of wanting to be respectful and not wake me up to get him off. I think what pissed me off the most isnt the fact of him masturbating. Its the fact that he prefers the porn stars to his own wife. Needless to say we got into a heated argument about it. He told me to just drop it and I asked him this: if it were me and the roles were reversed, you'd be pissed off too, wouldn't you? See it from the woman's point of view. So.. That's my advice or all the men out there that do this shit. See it from our point of view. Put yourself in our shoes and think of what we go through when you do this.

June 11, 2016 - 4:37pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have had similar problems with my fiancé. He doesn't do it right next to me though. The other morning I woke up and he was in the bathroom masterbating after watching porn on his phone. I just don't understand why he would rather watch trashy females and masterbate to it than wake me up and have a quickly with me. He knows I have no problem being woke up for something like that. He says he has no sex drive and I'm lucky if we have sex twice a month but I've caught him beating off to that bullshit quite a few times. Am I just not satisfying his needs? Or is he just not attracted to me anymore

May 3, 2016 - 9:11pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon!

Thanks for your post!

Your boyfriend may be addicted to porn - this is a real thing and becoming more and more common.

A symptom is an inability to perform sexually. I think he's hiding the fact that he prefers porn by claiming to not have a sex drive but clearly he does if he's watching porn and masturbating.

Bottom line: he stops the porn/gets help for this addiction or it's over. Stop playing second fiddle to these porn "stars" - you deserve better.


May 4, 2016 - 1:13pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

He has no problems performing. I enjoy it a lot when we do have sex. I can't take much more. All I can do is cry because I feel so unattractive at this point and I shouldn't feel that way about myself.

May 5, 2016 - 2:48pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon!

Your boyfriend is doing as he please and you're sitting around crying and feeling worthless. What's wrong with that picture?

Stop waiting for this guy to change - the changes need to come from you. If he isn't interested, then walk. Don't waste more of your precious time - you deserve more.


May 6, 2016 - 2:28pm
EmpowHER Guest

My husband broke my heart last night. We were snuggling. Then I went to touch him and he stop ped me and said he had a headache and just wanted to go to bed. I told him that I would help get rid of his headache, but he said that makes it worse. So we ended up just going to bed. A few minutes later I started feeling the bed shake and him making noises. I was so upset. He'd rather be with himself then with me and did he really have a headache?! Well after he finished I started feeling everything all over again, and then he moved around and I started hearing a sucking sound. He was giving himself a blowjob! Seriously! For someone who just wanted to get to sleep cause of a headache. When that was done he stated all over again, and he did the blowjob again! And this time when he finished he got up and went into the bathroom. I figured this was my chance. I sat up in bed. When he came back in the room he asked me if I was ok. I told him he broke me heart. He asked me why and I said cause 'you didn't want to be with me tonight'. His respond was that he's so tired and his head hurts he just needs sleep. I just couldn't get myself to say anything. He had no idea I've just been laying in bed listening to him and crying. Thinking how he doesn't want to be with me. And this entire year, we've only had sex 7 times! I'm going crazy. He never wants to be with me. And after he got back in bed he continued his masterbation sessions all night long. I finally fell asleep at somepoint and when I woke up he was still at it. And this isn't the first night this has been like this. The past 3 nights have been non stop for him. Which have been no sleep for me just listening. I just really have no idea how to bring this up to him. I know he told me over a year ago that he masterbates a lot. But he's never been like this. January 1st is our 5 year wedding anniversary and I'm just so depressed right now thinking he's not happy with me. And I really just need to get this sick feeling out of my stomach. He doesn't need to stop masterbating, I just don't feel comfortable with it going on all night and being turned down when I want to be with him.

December 29, 2015 - 3:13pm
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