ask: My boyfriend masterbates while I'm sleeping

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Hello. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night because the bed was shaking. At first, I didn't really know what was going on because it took my senses a while to come back to me. The television was still on and all the lights were off, but my boyfriend was shaking the bed. I started to ask him what the hell he was doing, but before I completely turned my head I saw his shadow on the wall. He was masterbating vigorously. I didn't know what to do or say so I just continued to lay still and quiet to try to let him finish. Well 25 minutes later I'm still laying there waiting for him to finish. We had already had sex three times that day so I was very confused as to why he was up masterbating. I felt two very different emotions at the same time...confusion and excitement. I'm not sure which one I felt more, but they both were very powerful. As I lay there listening and slightly watching him, I was getting excited. I have never seen him do it before, and since he didn't know I was watching he was very into it. Eventually he abruptly stopped masterbating so I closed my eyes and pretended to be sleep. Then I felt him roll over closer to me and start to take my pants off. He then proceeded to have sex with me. Well it didn't last very long (because he spent most of his time masterbating) so I got very frustrated. I wanted to know why he would get himself almost to the edge and then "wake me up" to finish. I felt that was a very selfish thing for him to do because I couldn't get any enjoyment out of it. For a couple of minutes I said nothing because I really didn't want him to feel embarrassed knowing that I saw him masterbating. As I lay there I got more and more frustrated so I said something to him.

Unfortunately he got an attitude and the conversation turned into a heated disagreement. He said that he just wanted to have an orgasm and figured he would give himself one. He also said that sometimes he doesn't climax when we have sex and he doesn't know why so he tries to masterbate it out later. I became even more confused because if that was the case he would not have turned over and had sex with me to finish himself off.

I guess my question this normal? Do guys do things like this often? How should I feel about this? We never really finished our conversation because he got mad at me and then I got mad at him. I told him it was rude to do it laying right in the bed next to me, and even ruder to "wake me up" without caring about the fact that I was getting no pleasure because he was already almost done. What should I do?

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EmpowHER Guest

My bf soon to be fiancé does this every night... he now sleeps in a desperate room BC we have sex and right after.. he starts to mast debateaagainst
. And he says he doesn't know he's doing it. He went to get help for sleep apnea but still does it... any suggestions?

September 10, 2014 - 3:23pm
EmpowHER Guest

At first I found this very funny, but don't get offended. I'm reading up on comments, and reading most people are either way to emotional or none at all. I really don't know you or him what kind of people you are so this might be out of context. But if it were me that was caught like that I'd be extremely upset, because you just lay there quiet and hidden. It's hard for me to break ice like that, you shouldn't make me be ashamed of something by hiding your awareness. Would have been much easier and fun if you just jumped in there helped out and accept this behavior as is.
In my experience, I jerk off because I don't get enough, you 2 need to "explore" yourselves.

November 26, 2013 - 2:25am
EmpowHER Guest

Thats funny, Great story, excited while uncertain. However, your boi is normal, and he has a strong sex drive. He needed you that night, thats all. I had The same exact thing happen To me years ago, so I believe its normal. The best part was that you both talked. You should never delay, jump his bones asap next time you see your boi pleasuring himself.

Thought counts

August 9, 2013 - 9:35am
EmpowHER Guest

Coming from a guy, it is kinda normal as i know most of my other male friends do this aswell as myself. Asking won't get you far, because not even we know why we do it, its just a spur of the moment action.

July 17, 2013 - 11:13am
EmpowHER Guest

Its creepy that he masturbated next to you while your sleeping and super selfish that he woke you up just to finish off..

It sounds to me that he couldn't care less about how you felt, maybe you were tired and didn't want to have sex, then he would have been raping you.

I think this scenario should ring a feel bells in your head and start to think of what kinda guy you're going out with..

Sex three times in a day is plenty, to masturbate after that is purely addiction, not just a high sex drive

April 9, 2013 - 7:37am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Yes it is very rude and disrespectful I think ive done it once but not hounded my mrs for sex we dont have sex these days shes gone of me she doesnt even kiss me or hold my hand anymore, this is proberly going of the subject I think she doesn't love me anymore saying that there is a big age gap, its been just over 2 and a half years all of a sudden it bothersher now to even hold my hand its very sad and upsetting like tonight im on the settee and shes in the bed I dont know wot to do we have our rowes but I still love her shes alot older tham me maybe she wants something different now I feel shes drifting and going cold hence the reason tomight went to cuddle into her and she said know i was only being affectionate just dont know wot to do maybe its time to stop damaging my body and getting upset and drink and look after me now for oncd its gonna kill but ive got to do it really hurts :-(

August 10, 2014 - 7:49pm

btw... this guy woke you up to use your vagina as an orifice after 30 minutes of being unsuccessful to relive himself. I'm sorry to tell you that. He's inconsiderate and disrespectful for this. In the heat of the moment like that, he made the wrong decision to involve you. To be there doing that in front of you in the first place is a huge clue that this guy is off a bit. It's only natural to go hide this behavior and keep it private. Him not realizing by involving you that you'd also like pleasure is just wrong in the most selfish way ever. He needs to know this. He should already. But in his defense, sometimes dudes don't need/want to get feelings involved every time they have this need to ejaculate. He knows he has to go there with you when he involves you? That can be seen as a hassle after having to do that 3 times that day already. He's just trying to knock one out and not bother you with it. It's like having an itch you MUST scratch and nothing more.

August 22, 2012 - 10:50am


You having sex 3 times prior has nothing to do with anything. Men have that kind of sex drive sometimes. Yup, sometimes more then that in one day. Its just hormones. This is built in to men for procreation. I've had the same drive for a couple days in a row for no other reason. It made me feel like a stupid animal to be thinking about sex that much, but what can I do? Its not something I'm choosing. It just is. I must get relief though! I cannot stop thinking about it until I do something. The only way this problem could be really ugly, is if this guy prefers to masturbate over having sex with you, or isn't pleasing you during sex.

August 22, 2012 - 10:37am
stacy cranfield

guys tend to get embarrassed alot about their partners catching them masturbating. try to bring it up at another time in a nonthreatening,non angry way. let him know that you want to enjoy sex with him( any kind )even self pleasure. i think maybe him turning to you at the last was in a way his way of wanting to feel close to you, if he is having problems finishing during intercourse than maybe his actions had more to do with needed to feel and be with you than him being selfish. a good tip i can give you that i did with my husband is if he is masterbating and you catch him in the act take over, you masterbate him, then ask him to return the favor! men seem to really like that and it will bring you both closer together. another thing to try is you both lay across the bed (not touching) and both of you masterbate at the same time. it is a very exciting feeling to be able to watch your partner while pleasureing yourself. i hope you both can talk and maybe try some of these ideas and have a great relationship.

November 30, 2011 - 11:18pm
ladykera (reply to stacy cranfield)

There isn't a whole lot that embarrasses my boyfriend, but I think you're absolutely right. He seems to be very embarrassed that I caught him, and probably even more embarrassed that I tried to lay there until he was done. Usually we communicate with each other very well unless one or both of us is extremely angry for some reason. Then we take a breather and try again another time. I learned from being married before how important it is to communicate with each other. I did make a point of telling him that if he is up late and in the mood I don't mind being woken up because I don't have to get up early (i work 2nd shift). I even went as far as telling him if he's in the mood and doesn't want actual sex that I'm willing to help him out in other ways because I want to keep him satisfied and happy. He seemed to be pleased to know that and happy to know that I am willing to do what it takes for him. I am so glad that you showed me a different way to look at his behavior instead of thinking about it so negatively. If it happens again I will definitely take your advice and take over, he would probably love it! I am actually very shy when it comes to sex, but being with him has helped me discover so many things about myself that I will do whatever it takes to keep things good with us. i thank you so very much for your advice and it's good to know that you and your husband can work with each other so well!

December 1, 2011 - 4:17pm
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