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My boyfriend masterbates while I'm sleeping

By November 30, 2011 - 6:24pm
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Hello. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night because the bed was shaking. At first, I didn't really know what was going on because it took my senses a while to come back to me. The television was still on and all the lights were off, but my boyfriend was shaking the bed. I started to ask him what the hell he was doing, but before I completely turned my head I saw his shadow on the wall. He was masterbating vigorously. I didn't know what to do or say so I just continued to lay still and quiet to try to let him finish. Well 25 minutes later I'm still laying there waiting for him to finish. We had already had sex three times that day so I was very confused as to why he was up masterbating. I felt two very different emotions at the same time...confusion and excitement. I'm not sure which one I felt more, but they both were very powerful. As I lay there listening and slightly watching him, I was getting excited. I have never seen him do it before, and since he didn't know I was watching he was very into it. Eventually he abruptly stopped masterbating so I closed my eyes and pretended to be sleep. Then I felt him roll over closer to me and start to take my pants off. He then proceeded to have sex with me. Well it didn't last very long (because he spent most of his time masterbating) so I got very frustrated. I wanted to know why he would get himself almost to the edge and then "wake me up" to finish. I felt that was a very selfish thing for him to do because I couldn't get any enjoyment out of it. For a couple of minutes I said nothing because I really didn't want him to feel embarrassed knowing that I saw him masterbating. As I lay there I got more and more frustrated so I said something to him.

Unfortunately he got an attitude and the conversation turned into a heated disagreement. He said that he just wanted to have an orgasm and figured he would give himself one. He also said that sometimes he doesn't climax when we have sex and he doesn't know why so he tries to masterbate it out later. I became even more confused because if that was the case he would not have turned over and had sex with me to finish himself off.

I guess my question is...is this normal? Do guys do things like this often? How should I feel about this? We never really finished our conversation because he got mad at me and then I got mad at him. I told him it was rude to do it laying right in the bed next to me, and even ruder to "wake me up" without caring about the fact that I was getting no pleasure because he was already almost done. What should I do?

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EmpowHER Guest

You guys are all in denial. And you know it. If he isn't having much sex with you, and hiding the fact he's mesturbating or even not allowing you to join.. Any of those circumstances, even if he's using you to finish off, he doesn't want you anymore. It's sad but it's the truth. You wouldn't be posting here looking for a positive answer if something wasn't really wrong. Sex brings two people together on a whole nother level, and is the most intimate/connection you can be with each other. If one of you would rather masturbate than have sex with you then I'm sorry but that means that connection and desire is gone. Yes masturbation feels different than sex but I, and anyone in love prefer sex way more. Or if anything to masturbate each other or masturbate and then go into a quick sex session. Also masturabtion js usually when the person wants to imagine and think of someone or something other than you. Why would they masturbate about you if your right there? No. They are doing it bc they are thinking of someone or something else or watching porn. In my old relationship I would masturbate a lot because I am vey sexual and lost all desire for the woman I was with. When I had desired and loved her dearly I was too excited and we would go at it constantly, after we both changed and sort of grew apart and she nagged and basically just weren't in love anymore, I masturbated as frequently as possible when I could to think about anyone but her. Even next to her so I can have fantasies involving her in a way of cheating on her or humiliating her (what I think your men are doing when masturbating next to you, knowing you know. To humiliate you secretly just like I and other friends have admitted to) but with the woman I am married to now, geez...that stuff sounds so horrible and miserable. I have sex with her whenever I possibly can, and I don't really masturbate anymore even though I used to all the time and have a high sex drive. Or if I do, it's in front of her, encouraging her to help me or masturbate with each other. Sometimes In the morning or night when she for some reason isn't home I will go at it, but usually asking her for pics and thinking about her or a 3 some. But that's pretty rare and like i said, isn't a secret and usually involving her. That's love and that's desire and that's how it should be. Your situations scream my old relationship only kinda worse for some posts...the guys commenting are just douche bags like your bf trying to convince you nothing is happening. A couple guys even said your "delusional" look up "gas lighting" that's what your bf and these men commenting are doing to you. PLEASE look it up. It is a manipulative behavior men do that is a huge red flag to leave. They do something that obviously hurts you and isn't okay, you confront them with genuine feelings, they turn the situation around somehow like you did somehing wrong and they are in the right and you are left confused and feeling somehow to blame.thats Gas lighting. And your not crazy or wrong, that's why your on this post your not crazy. He is. He's manipulative and unfortunately does not desire or love you and this is a sign to get the hell out before it's worse or he cheats if he hasn't already. Take this as a good thing that your senses came on and you learned this sooner than later. Your gut knows what's going on, your subconscious does too. But he keeps assuring you that your wrong, it's time to come to reality that he is wrong. The relationship is dead. Maybe if he admits to gas lighting and is willing to fix his problems with you and admits to everything, and it seems genuine and the whole truth... Like for instance maybe the pregnancy turns him off and he does not desire you but willing to admit it and work on it and have better communication and honesty with youu and you see improvement then that's the only way.. You not only have a manipulative douchebag for a boyfriend who has no respect for you and obviously has some fewer psychological issues but he's also untrustworthy and lacks communication skills. That's pretty much everything that makes a relationship, which you don't have or have the opposite of, why the hell are you staying with that??? That's not even a relationship. Sounds like you women are scared to be alone or too comfortable or having a kid seems to assure you staying with such a disaster but let me tell you it doesn't. If you do still love him then this will be hard but you gotta leave him, but I kinda figure most of you think you love him but you don't, your just not used to anything else and he's your life now. Leave him and see what happens, seeing that most of these men are manipulative he may use that to try and get you back and things might be different for a little bit, but they will go back to the same. My wife used to also have a boyfriend like you all are describing and it scared me because that was me at one time, same situation different story. And she's so happy now, she was miserable then and constantly questioning everything because the bastard took her confidence, happiness and stability away. That's what their plan is though. Do yourself a favor and listen to your gut feeling and get out! I'm sure there are plenty other google searches "is this normal, is this okay, does he still love me" the answer is NO. Everyone you see on these forums combining you otherwise is just trying to convince themselves the same thing. If nothing was wrong why are ou so doubtful? Why do you feel sick to your stomach and confused? Why are you unhappy? Why do you wuestion him or your relationship? Why aren't you having sex and he's keeping secrets and lying to you?? Why are you miserable. You know why. Stop going by what he's making you believe, or what the past is telling you. How you remember him and the love you had. Listen to the present. Who he is right now, what the relationship is now...all those demons and feelings and questions you have I stated above. That gut feeling. Listen to ALL of those signs. People change unfortunately, love goes away, true colors show. You don't even know a person they say until 2 years and fully know them in about 5. People mistake the infactuation phase as love when love doesn't happen until you stay with the person after those feelings go away. The point is, listen to the now and not the then. He's not the same, and he's taking you down with him. Especially if your about to bring a kid into this world, don't put that child through the same shit. He will use his manipulation to twist that child's view and hurt you both. This isn't just about sex. At all really. And you know it. Don't be like my aunt who went through this and 35 years later just now leaving him because she's tired of the manipulation and other women and misery. The family and eveyone knew long ago, but she wouldn't listen to her gut and her family. And now she's 50 some years old, alone and broken. Even her children believe their daddy because he's manipulative and good at it. Yet he critizes them to the point they break, and ditches them for young dates always with an excuse. Who knows what else, everything in that side of the family is a secret and lies. Do you want that? Trapped and eventually alone and ditched if you don't do it now he will eventually. When us men start to lose all respect along with any feelings and desire for you, and can manipulate you and know you will never leave us because we have you confused and wrapped around our pinky...we will use that as much as we can, and once we see how far we can go we will test it further and further until we are cheating blatantly in front of you. Or for some cases beating you. It's sad world but it's common and it's the truth. I'm glad I changed my ways due to finding a woman who made me question everything and I got into therapy for what made me into who I was. But theese men will not change for you. Your not that women unfortunately and for a lot it's a lost case, there isn't any "that women" out there for them. Just a bunch of toys to use and manipualite and trade for younger ones. You may think I'm shitty for what I admired to, but the truth is it's very common. I'm just genuine and admitting to it all. The whole "it's so hard to find a real man" thing is completely true. Think about it, so many women have a mood disorder or personality. Most actually. So what, us men are just immune to that? No. We hide it and lie. We have just as many problems if not more. But we don't see doctors or admit to them, and they do not interfere with many lives. Infact most men love it and use their problems to their advantage like your men and like my friends and my aunts ex and my dad.....LEAVE before your another victim. Take it as a learning life lesson. You'll now know what to look for in the next men and the red flags before your feelings get involved. Remmeber the "it takes a year or two to know someone"....it will be unintentional, but when your on their bad side or just by slip on accident...their true colors will show and you must pay close attention when they do, because it's not just an accident or "I've never acted like that, or I'll never do that again" it is who he is, and it will be much more prevalent later on in the relationship. Watch for the signs ladies, and trust your gut and instincts...

July 11, 2017 - 11:31am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm sorry I have did that before but I always finished my lady off very hard and then I got mine and she told me that she loves how I finish her off very hard than we get mine.

July 9, 2017 - 11:54am
EmpowHER Guest

It because he is horny and wants u but your asleep. Men need that love from there wives. But u girls are to tired to have sex. Also if he did wake you up you would probably say your tired go to sleep

June 27, 2017 - 9:08pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm going thru the same thing and don't know how to fix him being molested by the aunt and now I have to deal with it omg gaged and tied and sodimised help...

May 18, 2017 - 3:20am
EmpowHER Guest

My bf plays with himself during sex! Its weird he does it in a way that i cant see it he will play with me and go down on me then i notice hes under body is moving different from the movement when he touches me then i can hear hes getting excited or he will put a pillow between us and he will almost forget about me. Thats just one of the examples! If i say anything he tell me im crazy and im just obsessing about it i have ocd! It feels like he is getting off on the fact that i know he does it and i just keep quiet because he makes me feel bad about knowing! Hope this makes sense! What can i do

April 2, 2017 - 1:52am
EmpowHER Guest

Good Lord people, don't be so emotional about it! Self love can be fun! Be experimental both with your partner as well as your self. When I catch my husband masturbating it's fucking hot! So I make sure he catches me! ...but not every time! Dame with him. Some times it's super hot foreplay talking about what you did to yourself... thinking about your partner... or Channing Tatum! Lol Try to set your hang ups aside and have fun! Life is too short to be caught by hang ups! Be free!

February 16, 2017 - 9:11pm
EmpowHER Guest

I honestly don't see a reason to be upset with him, if he is having problems getting off maybe you should help him. My boyfriend and I never usually have any problems but if there is a problem and he needs to finish I will make out with him while he's masterbating so that he can finally climax. This is very rare, but it can happen especially if he fights off his organism during sex by slowing way down so it can last longer. It's about compromise. Honestly even when he masterbates, it's a turn on to me as well

November 18, 2016 - 6:52am

My boyfriend does the same while I'm sleep r woke then he lies about it and says I'm delusional when I know what is going on in bed next to me. I don't know what to do I'm in love with him and we r expecting our 1st child together but I can't take this any longer it's making me crazy. Why does he do this and for what reason? He doesn't have sex with me as much as he masturbates. I'm totally game if he lets me join in but he always say I'm imaging that's he's doing it. Should I leave and say the hell with him r should I try to make him understand that we can both be happy with this as long as we do this together. Whatever it is I'm ready to make that move.

July 13, 2016 - 2:30am
EmpowHER Guest

oh dear lord this thread is full of delusional women.

June 27, 2016 - 11:31pm
EmpowHER Guest

First off I didn't want to upset some of you women but here's a fact for you. Did you know most guys with normal sexual health wake up 3-5 times a night with a hardon. It's perfectly normal and actually would be something to worry about if they don't.
In my case it wakes me up, this could be due to the fact that we go through REM sleep cycles and we usually wake towards the end of them. The longer the REM the more likely to wake that's why you usually remember your last dream.
Anyway if like me your fella wakes up and has a hard on it could very well be that he's doing what's programmed naturally into him to get back to sleep! Not waking you up, wanting a decent sleep himself and doing something about it.

Now I'm not saying this is the case in every one of the statements above but try having a little compassion and not just thinking the guys literally a tosser or worse addicted to porn. He might actually be functioning normally and be getting annoyed with the fact he can't sleep! It could be the case in years to come where and again this is well documented that this stops and he struggles getting hard due to age. This will be crushing for him and he'll be mortified.

So ladies don't let midnight, during the night or morning wood insult you. I'm not saying it's the case in every case but maybe not take it so much as an insult. Talk to you guys and show some understanding. You may get pissed that he doesn't wake you up, he might not want to to not disturb your sleep, he may even just be so knackered that like me sometimes it's just the only way to get back to sleep and sex would be an absolute mission.
I love my partner, I love sex with her and would miss it dearly but sometimes or in fact quite often I have to "knock one out" just to get back to sleep.

Give your guys a rest. Literally.

It's not all bad and don't naturally think the worst.

June 18, 2016 - 7:41pm
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