ask: My boyfriend masterbates while I'm sleeping

Rate This

Hello. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night because the bed was shaking. At first, I didn't really know what was going on because it took my senses a while to come back to me. The television was still on and all the lights were off, but my boyfriend was shaking the bed. I started to ask him what the hell he was doing, but before I completely turned my head I saw his shadow on the wall. He was masterbating vigorously. I didn't know what to do or say so I just continued to lay still and quiet to try to let him finish. Well 25 minutes later I'm still laying there waiting for him to finish. We had already had sex three times that day so I was very confused as to why he was up masterbating. I felt two very different emotions at the same time...confusion and excitement. I'm not sure which one I felt more, but they both were very powerful. As I lay there listening and slightly watching him, I was getting excited. I have never seen him do it before, and since he didn't know I was watching he was very into it. Eventually he abruptly stopped masterbating so I closed my eyes and pretended to be sleep. Then I felt him roll over closer to me and start to take my pants off. He then proceeded to have sex with me. Well it didn't last very long (because he spent most of his time masterbating) so I got very frustrated. I wanted to know why he would get himself almost to the edge and then "wake me up" to finish. I felt that was a very selfish thing for him to do because I couldn't get any enjoyment out of it. For a couple of minutes I said nothing because I really didn't want him to feel embarrassed knowing that I saw him masterbating. As I lay there I got more and more frustrated so I said something to him.

Unfortunately he got an attitude and the conversation turned into a heated disagreement. He said that he just wanted to have an orgasm and figured he would give himself one. He also said that sometimes he doesn't climax when we have sex and he doesn't know why so he tries to masterbate it out later. I became even more confused because if that was the case he would not have turned over and had sex with me to finish himself off.

I guess my question this normal? Do guys do things like this often? How should I feel about this? We never really finished our conversation because he got mad at me and then I got mad at him. I told him it was rude to do it laying right in the bed next to me, and even ruder to "wake me up" without caring about the fact that I was getting no pleasure because he was already almost done. What should I do?

Add a Comment18 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

I have been struggling with a similar thing, I'm 5 months pregnant & have always had a high sex drive, but I typically want sex more now that I'm pregnant. I have done everything in the past to keep things spicy, lingerie, toys, and I randomly surprise my husband with oral favors often, not to mention starting him off by pleasuring him every time we have sex. He orgasms every time & it usually doesn't take him long so it's clear he seems to enjoy our sexual relationship. Yet he only seems to want to have sex 1 or 2 nights a week, he doesn't masturbate on the nights we have sex. But on the nights we don't, even if he has turned me down for sex before turning the lights out, I can feel the bed moving & him masturbating when he thinks I've fallen asleep. It is hurtful that he does this AFTER turning down sex with me. I would gladly engage in the pleasuring process with him but if I try to casually snuggle up to him while I can tell he's doing this he abruptly stops and shifts away from me as if he was sleeping. This too is hurtful because I feel shut off from the experience. When I talk to him about it he gets angry & denies masturbating at all & tells me I'm imagining things. Yet I can feel the bed shaking on the nights he does it & when he climaxes he will jerk suddenly. I don't understand why he would rather masturbate than have sex with me if I'm aroused at bedtime when generally I do most of the work. And I don't understand why he feels the need to lie to me about it instead of being open & honest with me. The only thing I haven't been able to figure out yet is where he ejaculates when he's finished. I haven't found any signs of ejaculation in his underwear when doing laundry nor any thing on our sheets. Insight on this please? I don't necessarily want to "catch" him but I would like to have some proof so we can openly discuss it & fix whatever problems or disinterest he is experiencing in our sex life.

May 22, 2015 - 3:58am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I have the same problem that has been going on with my man. We have sex quite often and have spiced it up a lot lately too. I know he is very happy with me, but whether we have sex one night or not, he still shakes the bed every night once he thinks I am asleep. The truth is, I have been losing sleep over this and we have gotten into heated discussions over it as well. However, one night when he thought I was sound asleep and he just got done, he then licks his hand and literally eats it!! So, just to let you know where it goes and no evidence, that is what a lot of men do unfortunately...

June 8, 2015 - 1:21pm
EmpowHER Guest

The Reality >>> Guys Just like To Get Off Even if you give us sex many times a day we still jerk off a lot of the time when were on dates with you or walking around we check out other women its not your fault. A mans mind is geared to a perverted angle they have done a study that proves men are like dogs when it comes to sex we think with our penis if we are walking in the park with you and we see some sexy girls doing yoga better know we are having a good look if we are out to dinner and the waitress has a low cut top or tight black pants we will look the reality is this is the nature of a mans brain you take the Most Classy Sophisticated Happily married man and give him temptations and he will Give in to them eventually this is why 7-10 weddings end in divorce even rich happily married people who have everything they could ever want still find fault . The fact your man masturbates and sometimes sticks it in you to finish like some cheap hoe and doesn't let you get off that's no insult to you that's just proof Men are Men. Any man who claims his eyes have not wandered and looked at another women or thought about another chick when having sex with his women """"IS A LIAR"""" WE ALL HAVE DONE IT NO ONE PERFECT the best course of action to take would be accept he is a man and that men in general are pervs and '""SPICE THINGS UP A BIT""" but honestly no matter how much sex you have or how kinky and hot it is men always Have some ""JERK TIME"" we have a sexual thought about ever minute conscious or Subconscious and 90 percent of our dreams are Sexually motivated This is the Reality Of Men if it don't work for you sorry Mam should have been a Lesbian ---Sincerely---- >>>>>The Reality Of Life<<<<<

April 30, 2015 - 3:37am
EmpowHER Guest

My bf soon to be fiancé does this every night... he now sleeps in a desperate room BC we have sex and right after.. he starts to mast debateaagainst
. And he says he doesn't know he's doing it. He went to get help for sleep apnea but still does it... any suggestions?

September 10, 2014 - 3:23pm
EmpowHER Guest

At first I found this very funny, but don't get offended. I'm reading up on comments, and reading most people are either way to emotional or none at all. I really don't know you or him what kind of people you are so this might be out of context. But if it were me that was caught like that I'd be extremely upset, because you just lay there quiet and hidden. It's hard for me to break ice like that, you shouldn't make me be ashamed of something by hiding your awareness. Would have been much easier and fun if you just jumped in there helped out and accept this behavior as is.
In my experience, I jerk off because I don't get enough, you 2 need to "explore" yourselves.

November 26, 2013 - 2:25am
EmpowHER Guest

Thats funny, Great story, excited while uncertain. However, your boi is normal, and he has a strong sex drive. He needed you that night, thats all. I had The same exact thing happen To me years ago, so I believe its normal. The best part was that you both talked. You should never delay, jump his bones asap next time you see your boi pleasuring himself.

Thought counts

August 9, 2013 - 9:35am
EmpowHER Guest

Coming from a guy, it is kinda normal as i know most of my other male friends do this aswell as myself. Asking won't get you far, because not even we know why we do it, its just a spur of the moment action.

July 17, 2013 - 11:13am
EmpowHER Guest

Its creepy that he masturbated next to you while your sleeping and super selfish that he woke you up just to finish off..

It sounds to me that he couldn't care less about how you felt, maybe you were tired and didn't want to have sex, then he would have been raping you.

I think this scenario should ring a feel bells in your head and start to think of what kinda guy you're going out with..

Sex three times in a day is plenty, to masturbate after that is purely addiction, not just a high sex drive

April 9, 2013 - 7:37am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Yes it is very rude and disrespectful I think ive done it once but not hounded my mrs for sex we dont have sex these days shes gone of me she doesnt even kiss me or hold my hand anymore, this is proberly going of the subject I think she doesn't love me anymore saying that there is a big age gap, its been just over 2 and a half years all of a sudden it bothersher now to even hold my hand its very sad and upsetting like tonight im on the settee and shes in the bed I dont know wot to do we have our rowes but I still love her shes alot older tham me maybe she wants something different now I feel shes drifting and going cold hence the reason tomight went to cuddle into her and she said know i was only being affectionate just dont know wot to do maybe its time to stop damaging my body and getting upset and drink and look after me now for oncd its gonna kill but ive got to do it really hurts :-(

August 10, 2014 - 7:49pm

btw... this guy woke you up to use your vagina as an orifice after 30 minutes of being unsuccessful to relive himself. I'm sorry to tell you that. He's inconsiderate and disrespectful for this. In the heat of the moment like that, he made the wrong decision to involve you. To be there doing that in front of you in the first place is a huge clue that this guy is off a bit. It's only natural to go hide this behavior and keep it private. Him not realizing by involving you that you'd also like pleasure is just wrong in the most selfish way ever. He needs to know this. He should already. But in his defense, sometimes dudes don't need/want to get feelings involved every time they have this need to ejaculate. He knows he has to go there with you when he involves you? That can be seen as a hassle after having to do that 3 times that day already. He's just trying to knock one out and not bother you with it. It's like having an itch you MUST scratch and nothing more.

August 22, 2012 - 10:50am
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Sex & Relationships Guide

Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!


3822 Health


2394 Lives


2213 Lives
39 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More

Take Our Featured Health Poll

Have you joined the IUD trend? What kind of birth control do you use? :
View Results