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My boyfriend masterbates while I'm sleeping

By ladykera November 30, 2011 - 6:24pm
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Hello. The other night I woke up in the middle of the night because the bed was shaking. At first, I didn't really know what was going on because it took my senses a while to come back to me. The television was still on and all the lights were off, but my boyfriend was shaking the bed. I started to ask him what the hell he was doing, but before I completely turned my head I saw his shadow on the wall. He was masterbating vigorously. I didn't know what to do or say so I just continued to lay still and quiet to try to let him finish. Well 25 minutes later I'm still laying there waiting for him to finish. We had already had sex three times that day so I was very confused as to why he was up masterbating. I felt two very different emotions at the same time...confusion and excitement. I'm not sure which one I felt more, but they both were very powerful. As I lay there listening and slightly watching him, I was getting excited. I have never seen him do it before, and since he didn't know I was watching he was very into it. Eventually he abruptly stopped masterbating so I closed my eyes and pretended to be sleep. Then I felt him roll over closer to me and start to take my pants off. He then proceeded to have sex with me. Well it didn't last very long (because he spent most of his time masterbating) so I got very frustrated. I wanted to know why he would get himself almost to the edge and then "wake me up" to finish. I felt that was a very selfish thing for him to do because I couldn't get any enjoyment out of it. For a couple of minutes I said nothing because I really didn't want him to feel embarrassed knowing that I saw him masterbating. As I lay there I got more and more frustrated so I said something to him.

Unfortunately he got an attitude and the conversation turned into a heated disagreement. He said that he just wanted to have an orgasm and figured he would give himself one. He also said that sometimes he doesn't climax when we have sex and he doesn't know why so he tries to masterbate it out later. I became even more confused because if that was the case he would not have turned over and had sex with me to finish himself off.

I guess my question is...is this normal? Do guys do things like this often? How should I feel about this? We never really finished our conversation because he got mad at me and then I got mad at him. I told him it was rude to do it laying right in the bed next to me, and even ruder to "wake me up" without caring about the fact that I was getting no pleasure because he was already almost done. What should I do?

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EmpowHER Guest

I have had similar problems with my fiancé. He doesn't do it right next to me though. The other morning I woke up and he was in the bathroom masterbating after watching porn on his phone. I just don't understand why he would rather watch trashy females and masterbate to it than wake me up and have a quickly with me. He knows I have no problem being woke up for something like that. He says he has no sex drive and I'm lucky if we have sex twice a month but I've caught him beating off to that bullshit quite a few times. Am I just not satisfying his needs? Or is he just not attracted to me anymore

May 3, 2016 - 9:11pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon!

Thanks for your post!

Your boyfriend may be addicted to porn - this is a real thing and becoming more and more common.

A symptom is an inability to perform sexually. I think he's hiding the fact that he prefers porn by claiming to not have a sex drive but clearly he does if he's watching porn and masturbating.

Bottom line: he stops the porn/gets help for this addiction or it's over. Stop playing second fiddle to these porn "stars" - you deserve better.


May 4, 2016 - 1:13pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

He has no problems performing. I enjoy it a lot when we do have sex. I can't take much more. All I can do is cry because I feel so unattractive at this point and I shouldn't feel that way about myself.

May 5, 2016 - 2:48pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon!

Your boyfriend is doing as he please and you're sitting around crying and feeling worthless. What's wrong with that picture?

Stop waiting for this guy to change - the changes need to come from you. If he isn't interested, then walk. Don't waste more of your precious time - you deserve more.


May 6, 2016 - 2:28pm
EmpowHER Guest

My husband broke my heart last night. We were snuggling. Then I went to touch him and he stop ped me and said he had a headache and just wanted to go to bed. I told him that I would help get rid of his headache, but he said that makes it worse. So we ended up just going to bed. A few minutes later I started feeling the bed shake and him making noises. I was so upset. He'd rather be with himself then with me and did he really have a headache?! Well after he finished I started feeling everything all over again, and then he moved around and I started hearing a sucking sound. He was giving himself a blowjob! Seriously! For someone who just wanted to get to sleep cause of a headache. When that was done he stated all over again, and he did the blowjob again! And this time when he finished he got up and went into the bathroom. I figured this was my chance. I sat up in bed. When he came back in the room he asked me if I was ok. I told him he broke me heart. He asked me why and I said cause 'you didn't want to be with me tonight'. His respond was that he's so tired and his head hurts he just needs sleep. I just couldn't get myself to say anything. He had no idea I've just been laying in bed listening to him and crying. Thinking how he doesn't want to be with me. And this entire year, we've only had sex 7 times! I'm going crazy. He never wants to be with me. And after he got back in bed he continued his masterbation sessions all night long. I finally fell asleep at somepoint and when I woke up he was still at it. And this isn't the first night this has been like this. The past 3 nights have been non stop for him. Which have been no sleep for me just listening. I just really have no idea how to bring this up to him. I know he told me over a year ago that he masterbates a lot. But he's never been like this. January 1st is our 5 year wedding anniversary and I'm just so depressed right now thinking he's not happy with me. And I really just need to get this sick feeling out of my stomach. He doesn't need to stop masterbating, I just don't feel comfortable with it going on all night and being turned down when I want to be with him.

December 29, 2015 - 3:13pm
EmpowHER Guest

My man does this. And it excites me to no end. Sometimes our sex life is great. Other times, non existent. But I've always had somewhat of a fetish with masturbation anyway. We had sex twice yesterday. And I gave him a sloppy blowjob. But...I still woke to the bed shaking. I instantly got very wet. So I played with myself as well. I didn't want him to know that I was awake and aware of what I was doing because it would change things. So I was quiet. Then, I listened to him quietly moan and finish into a towel on the side of the bed. All the while he had no idea I knew. I waited for him to start snoring again n then I did the same thing. I will do it again. Whether he is or isn't. I have actually pleasuresd myself to the thought since. Ladies....don't take this personal. Masturbation is a different satisfaction than sex. It doesn't mean he doesn't want u. He's prob looking at u sleeping thinking about u. I might try turning over n putting it in my mouth for him to finish next time! Who knows? I like the excitement involved with him not knowing that I know.

December 29, 2015 - 1:19pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I LOVE YOUR OUTLOOK ON THIS!!! I was looking for just ONE person to put a positive spin on this, because I couldn't think of how to, and since I am six months pregnant, I felt I might be oversensitive about it.

January 30, 2016 - 11:25am
EmpowHER Guest

I've never masturbated in the same bed as my woman that i recall, but i've had two relationships in which i've left the bed and went elsewhere in the home to knock one out. A couple things were involved for me personally when I did this. At both times and in both relationships we were in those tail-end stages of the relationshiop...and things werent emotionally and romantically as they were prior. So, I didnt wanna bother with warming her up and engaging in that behavior given thinsg werent that good in the relationshiop. A minority of the time, i would just want a quick nut and just simply didnt want to bother her since she was already asleep and likely had to also get up for work or class, etc.. The irony of this is that at some pt....either after the relationshiop or maybe during that "exit interview" these women told me that had done that too, but it wasnt in reply to me stating I do it. In closing, there could be a problem w/ the relationship as a whole, a problem w/ the sex life, or he just wants a quickie without bothering you. I was 22 and 27 when both of these instances occurred.

November 2, 2015 - 7:54pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have been struggling with a similar thing, I'm 5 months pregnant & have always had a high sex drive, but I typically want sex more now that I'm pregnant. I have done everything in the past to keep things spicy, lingerie, toys, and I randomly surprise my husband with oral favors often, not to mention starting him off by pleasuring him every time we have sex. He orgasms every time & it usually doesn't take him long so it's clear he seems to enjoy our sexual relationship. Yet he only seems to want to have sex 1 or 2 nights a week, he doesn't masturbate on the nights we have sex. But on the nights we don't, even if he has turned me down for sex before turning the lights out, I can feel the bed moving & him masturbating when he thinks I've fallen asleep. It is hurtful that he does this AFTER turning down sex with me. I would gladly engage in the pleasuring process with him but if I try to casually snuggle up to him while I can tell he's doing this he abruptly stops and shifts away from me as if he was sleeping. This too is hurtful because I feel shut off from the experience. When I talk to him about it he gets angry & denies masturbating at all & tells me I'm imagining things. Yet I can feel the bed shaking on the nights he does it & when he climaxes he will jerk suddenly. I don't understand why he would rather masturbate than have sex with me if I'm aroused at bedtime when generally I do most of the work. And I don't understand why he feels the need to lie to me about it instead of being open & honest with me. The only thing I haven't been able to figure out yet is where he ejaculates when he's finished. I haven't found any signs of ejaculation in his underwear when doing laundry nor any thing on our sheets. Insight on this please? I don't necessarily want to "catch" him but I would like to have some proof so we can openly discuss it & fix whatever problems or disinterest he is experiencing in our sex life.

May 22, 2015 - 3:58am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

This is the only story on here that 100% matched me besides being pregnant and I just wanna say check his socks!! (Thats what my bf uses) it's so stupid how it makes us feel

November 30, 2015 - 6:21am
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