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My boyfriend never seems to want sex

By July 17, 2009 - 5:26am
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My boyfriend is 43 and tells me that he never feels horny, it's always me who initiates sex between us. We've only been seeing each other for nearly a year, so as the relationship is fairly new, I wouldn't have expected so much lack of intimacy between us! He seems to blame a variety of things for not wanting sex, performance anxiety, previous relationship breakdown, etc. I have a normal sex drive and would like to have sex every now and then, but I don't want to be the one initiating it all the time. He looks at celebrity bodies on the internet, even when I'm sleeping in the same room, so I find it hard to believe he doesn't get horny. It hurts me that he looks at other women, when I feel that he never notices me. He makes it quite obvious at times that he's looking at women, often saying 'boobies'. Are all men like this? I've never experienced a relationship like it, we get on fairly well in other areas of our relationship, and seem to want the same things. I even found out that he had been searching online for his previous girlfriend who cheated on him, this hurt a lot, as my past relationships are just that in my past. He's not the easiest of guys to talk to when something is bothering me, as he often gets moody and won't talk to me. He's had treatment for his anxiety, seeing a counsellor for a few years, a lot of his anxiety was caused after his brother died, but then he had a normal relationship with his last girlfriend, so I can't see why he blames his lack of motivation on the death of his brother and breakdown of his last relationship. I don't know all the details of his split with his ex, maybe he wasn't very intimate with her and that's why she cheated, he did tell me he used to be very tactile with her, which he isn't with me. His Mum thinks he's afraid of getting too close to someone in case he gets hurt again - but we've all had bad relationships, we just need to move on and get over it. His last girlfriend has moved on and is happy living with her new boyfriend. I don't want kissy kissy all the time, but some love and affection would be really nice. His younger brother is the complete opposite to him, very touchy feely, lovey dovey with his girlfriend, and I find it uncomfortable sometimes being in their presence as I would like a relationship with more intimacy. I have no one to talk to about this, so everything just stays inside, which is not good for me to keep things bottled up. Any help or advice would be appreciated - thanks.

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EmpowHER Guest

i get that the sex slows down after awhile but damn not this slow! and when we do its a wam bam thank u mam and thas it! its like he doesnt evn try anymore or thinks just bcas he's in the mood i am! what happened to the tuching and kissing and trying? i cant even remember the last time he went down on me but he xspects it almost every time! i hint around about it and they go ignored. its like he's gotten selfish with it all! he use to love to please me but now its like im lucky if i get anything! what is up with that? is their a guy out there that can help me understand what he is thinking?

October 20, 2010 - 8:25am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thank you for your question and welcome!

Our largest thread on this matter has a lot of feedback from men (most helpful, some not so much!) but have a read through and see if there are responses that can help you -



October 25, 2010 - 12:16pm
EmpowHER Guest

everything sounded normal to me untill you mentioned the part about him looking for his ex online...that to me is a sign of trouble..plus does he masterbate?

September 27, 2010 - 9:05pm
EmpowHER Guest

I Have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months now. He is the perfect boyfriend to me and best father to my daughter, even though she is not his own. However, i too have the same issue, he does not want to have sex as much as i do! Yes, it is very frustrating! However he has been like this from the beginning, so i know its not that he got bored of me. He would always say that he did not want me to think that he only wanted to be with me for the sex, that he really did care.
We have talked about it many many many times, but it just seems to get no where. I never thought that I would ever have a problem like this. I was with my daughters father for over 5 years and i never wanted to have sex. I felt that once a week was still too much LOL. However, i now want it...as i tell him...breakfast lunch dinner and mid night snack; all the time!
I wonder if i have a problem, but then i ask myself "Isn't this an over all fantasy for any normal male? Having a girlfriend who wants to have sex all the time and never complains!". He is the best guy i have ever been with. When we do have sex we are both very satisfied, he has told me i am also the best he has ever had, so why doesn't he want to have it all the time?
His excuse is this: He was with his sons mother for about 7 years, off and on. He said he had a really high sex drive, wanted as much sex as me and she never gave it up. He says that he stopped asking for it cause he would never get it. He blames that for his ever so low sex drive. At first i was skeptical, i was insecure and thought that maybe his ex was a lot better looking than me and maybe that was the reason why he wanted her so much. However, i finally met her last week and ummmm i know i have nothing to worry about.
My friend does couples counseling and in a desperate need for answers, i vented to her about my issue. She said that he may have a different definition to what love means. I may need the sexual attention from my partner in order to feel loved, but he may not.
She also mentioned that he probably feels intimidated by my high sex drive and may make him feel as he is unable to satisfy me, which can also lower any persons sex drive.
I do suggest talking to your boyfriend about this issue, however do not expect for things to change over night! As i continue this relationship, i have learned not to pressure him as much and learned how to please myself in other ways =) I do not want to feel the need to cheat on him, especially since i know he is the best guy i have ever been sexually active with, so i try to compromise with him. Instead of asking for breakfast lunch dinner and mid night snack, i know say "how about at least before we go to bed?" =)
It's a tough situation, but i know its a problem that is not worth me leaving him for. He is the perfect boyfriend in every way.

September 27, 2009 - 10:18pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I did like you and tried not to pressure him, even stopped making the first move, then he would say that I didn't love him anymore! Can't win!!! But if I don't make the first move, nothing happens! I'd be lucky to get it once a year if I didn't make the effort. I've chatted to his Mum about it and she said his Dad was exactly the same - doesn't bode well for the future as they are divorced now. I know there's more to a relationship than just sex, and when we get on it's great, but my main issue now is this texting with his ex, he knows it upsets me and every time his phone beeps, I'm wondering whether it's her! I just wish we could have moved into our new home with a 'fresh start' and that means forget the past, ditch the exes and try to make our relationship work. I always visualised being in a happy relationship with a 'normal' bf, the past relationships I've had have been fine sexually, I've never experienced this kind of situation before, my exes couldn't keep their hands off me. I wish I knew then what I know now as I probably wouldn't have split up with my Fiance, but C'est la vie' too late now. Hope you all find the happiness you're looking for, I'll let you know if I ever find mine!

October 14, 2010 - 2:20am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Mystic)

Hi Mystic
Thanks for much for your updates.

I think there is more going on with these texts that you know - at best, there is an emotional affair going on, at worst - it's happening for real.

Decent men don't behave like this and I would not focus on his ex. She did not split you up recently, your boyfriend did. Focus on his active and willing participation in this case, and not her. Your boyfriend has committed to you - she is not the problem; your boyfriend is.

I know we always want to lash out at the "other woman" but your boyfriend is the one contacting her and responding to her advances.

I think your problem is at home and not with his ex.

I wish you the best and hope you can work things out but keep your eyes open to the possibilities of what may really be going on.

October 17, 2010 - 7:40am
EmpowHER Guest

My God we do pick them don't we! I'm the same as you, but not as young, but I get plenty of attention from other men when I'm out and about doing everyday things, and that's when I'm not even dressed particularly sexy! I don't know what the solution is, as in my previous relationships I always felt loved and wanted, and we had sex quite a lot, apart from the last guy I was with and he was a complete loser. It's slightly more difficult for me as I have my son to consider too, and in that respect my fella is good, but I would like to feel more wanted and loved. I see people in relationships around me who are completely different with each other, and that's a lot of the ones who are married or been together ages. I've only been with my fella for just over a year! This should be the honeymoon period - the only honeymoon I'll get as he's told me he would never marry me, doesn't believe in marriage at all. It's great to chat to other people like yourself who are experiencing similar problems. Time will tell I suppose where we will both end up. I hope things do change for the both of us, as we sound like we could both do better.
take care,
kind regards

August 25, 2009 - 4:39am
EmpowHER Guest

I actually googled: My boyfriend does not want me and it showed me this website.
I have the same problem. Im 21 and he's 28. I really love him. And he loves me as well i think. I feel it.
I think this is the time to have crazy sex, when you can't get enough of each other. Especially we've been dating for 3 months only. But he seems fine with once in couple of days and as the previous girl said when he does it he can't do it again. Even if i try to turn him on again, he can't and we go to sleep. And yeah it doesn't even last that long. What made feel even worse is that I left the country for a month and he missed me, we had phone sex, it was soooo hot. I was waiting for lots of action when i come back but no, same, once and that' it. I feel maybe I don't turn him on, but I am realistic, I understand if I was fat or didn't look after myself, but Im young and quite good looking :)) and I know guys whod be happpppy if i was by their side, i don't want to seem big headed but that's what other people say. I never experienced it before. It hurts so much. I wish I could do as the Anon said dump him, cause the more i wait the more my self esteem gets damaged. I tried nice lingerie but if he doesn't want it, he doesn't it. I remember feeling powerful and sexy and desired in other relationships and now i just feel something wrong with me . It wrong to feel like that when ur 21. I understand if we were together for 5 years already, but just 3 months. I don't know what to do, I love him, but I can't feel like this every day. And people who advise to talk, well i tried it doesn't work, they think they are amazing and somethings wrong with u probably. Maybe he doesn't love me as much. Cause people who r crazy about u they can't get enough of u. U can't even dream of just a spontaneous sex on the kitchen table. Sounds funny, but It actually makes em really sad,. i don't know what to do.

August 25, 2009 - 2:23am
(reply to Anonymous)

how are you doing, as it's been over a year now? Have things improved? I do hope so. I'm the same as you, been told I'm pretty and get attention from other men, even tried the lingerie route myself, not that it did much good! I don't think it's us with the problem. I just wish we could find the men of our dreams, what every girl wants to be treated special and fussed over, and even have commitment from a loyal trusting man, not someone who would rather text an ex. I hope you're having better luck than me, it would be great to hear from someone who 'came out the other side'.
take care, you are special and don't ever forget it. I've had my self esteem knocked by previous bf's and it's just not worth it. We deserve better.
take care and best of luck!

October 14, 2010 - 2:10am
EmpowHER Guest

my boyfriend and i love each other so much . but the thing is i have a very higher sex drive then him . hes 25yrs so i thought hed be a real goer. but he isnt . im lucky to get it twice a week . and it doesnt last that long but when hes done he cant do it again . im worried he doesnt like me as much as u like him please help x

August 22, 2009 - 11:12am
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