My boyfriend is 43 and tells me that he never feels horny, it's always me who initiates sex between us. We've only been seeing each other for nearly a year, so as the relationship is fairly new, I wouldn't have expected so much lack of intimacy between us! He seems to blame a variety of things for not wanting sex, performance anxiety, previous relationship breakdown, etc. I have a normal sex drive and would like to have sex every now and then, but I don't want to be the one initiating it all the time. He looks at celebrity bodies on the internet, even when I'm sleeping in the same room, so I find it hard to believe he doesn't get horny. It hurts me that he looks at other women, when I feel that he never notices me. He makes it quite obvious at times that he's looking at women, often saying 'boobies'. Are all men like this? I've never experienced a relationship like it, we get on fairly well in other areas of our relationship, and seem to want the same things. I even found out that he had been searching online for his previous girlfriend who cheated on him, this hurt a lot, as my past relationships are just that in my past. He's not the easiest of guys to talk to when something is bothering me, as he often gets moody and won't talk to me. He's had treatment for his anxiety, seeing a counsellor for a few years, a lot of his anxiety was caused after his brother died, but then he had a normal relationship with his last girlfriend, so I can't see why he blames his lack of motivation on the death of his brother and breakdown of his last relationship. I don't know all the details of his split with his ex, maybe he wasn't very intimate with her and that's why she cheated, he did tell me he used to be very tactile with her, which he isn't with me. His Mum thinks he's afraid of getting too close to someone in case he gets hurt again - but we've all had bad relationships, we just need to move on and get over it. His last girlfriend has moved on and is happy living with her new boyfriend. I don't want kissy kissy all the time, but some love and affection would be really nice. His younger brother is the complete opposite to him, very touchy feely, lovey dovey with his girlfriend, and I find it uncomfortable sometimes being in their presence as I would like a relationship with more intimacy. I have no one to talk to about this, so everything just stays inside, which is not good for me to keep things bottled up. Any help or advice would be appreciated - thanks.
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Dear Mystic,
I am sorry that you are feeling this way regarding your boyfriend. I was going to suggest him going to his doctor to get his thyroid checked--in case that might be the reason for his low sex drive. But then you mentioned that his mom thinks he may have a fear of being hurt again which may very well be the case. I know you say that it hurts you that he watches celebrities online and talks about boobies and your feelings are completely valid--most, if not all, women would feel the same. But is it possible that maybe he IS afraid of being hurt and can gaze at these Hollywood women all day because they cannot possibly hurt him?
I think when his family makes comments like "he doesn't want to get hurt" there is sometimes some credibility to it because they have witnessed things that we haven't and sometimes have a little more insight into our significant others that can help us in our relationships.
Have a good talk with him, expose your feelings, and let him know that it is affecting you in many ways. He may or may not open up-- this is the difficult thing about some men. If he does, perhaps suggesting couples therapy can save your relationship and make BOTH of you fall into place into where your relationship as a whole is going.
Good Luck!
July 17, 2009 - 6:01amThis Comment
Hi Rosa,
Thanks for your reply, I found it very reassuring and you mentioned things I hadn't considered. My boyfriend has suggested previously about getting herbal remedies to increase his sex drive, so maybe he does want to sort it out. I try not to pressurise him as I feel that only makes the condition worse. A lot of his friends said that he went through a bad time when his ex left, but it wasn't so much her leaving as to the way she did it, taking everything with her and he felt he'd lost all his dreams too about travelling etc.
What you said about him looking at celebrity bodies made a lot of sense too, I hadn't thought of it that way.
Thanks again for you help and advice, I've found it very useful and it's been great to talk to someone on the outside so to speak with another perspective.
July 18, 2009 - 1:51amI know how you feel I'm in the same situation pretty much, I keep asking him "why" and he says there is no reasons, well I may be lucky to have sexe once every 10 days and it doesn't last very long, I'm sick of this feeling and I don't know what to do....
October 24, 2010 - 6:48pmI read your post and am beginning to wonder if I dated the same man you are dating currently. I experienced the exact treatment with the exact explanations. He too looked at other women. He lived in NYC and was English. To get straight to the point, it is NOT normal and is a sign that something is wrong. Not with you but with him. He clearly will not address the issue by going to a physician which would be the first step. I recommend that you find a man who will adore you and love you in the way you want and deserve. HIs behavior will not change and the longer you tolerate it the lower your self esteem will fall and you will feel insecure and unattractive. Dump him and look forward to a healthy and loving sex life with a man who is waiting around the corner for you to appear. I hope this is helpful and I am sorry you are experiencing this. I put up with it for 6 months and never again. I even let any potential boyfriends that any behavior such as that will be unacceptable. At least my experience taught me another thing I will never tolerate in a man and how I expect to be treated but it was a hard lesson to learn because, like you, I had never experienced it before.
August 1, 2009 - 8:30pmPardon me but I believe what you're suggesting is a little bit too rushed and more importantly, it is a lot more easier said than done. By the way you sound, it seems like you just noticed the part where the guy looks at other women and nothing else. There are a lot more to the man she is talking about than that. Life changing events like the death of a brother and being cheated on by his ex-girlfriend. I know this might sound a little bit off but I believe men do get hurt too and they even have a tendency to stay hurt for a lot longer than we do since they have to maintain the macho image they think they have. And let's face it, straight men just don't gather around and talk about such things.
If I was in your shoes, I would definitely try and talk to him about it although the timing and how you will do this will be extremely crucial. You will have to give this a lot of thinking since you should know him better than anyone else here. Just take the time, a lot of it. Focus on the better things in your relationship too. And, good luck.
August 23, 2009 - 10:17ammy boyfriend and i love each other so much . but the thing is i have a very higher sex drive then him . hes 25yrs so i thought hed be a real goer. but he isnt . im lucky to get it twice a week . and it doesnt last that long but when hes done he cant do it again . im worried he doesnt like me as much as u like him please help x
August 22, 2009 - 11:12amAnon
You may just have a sex drive that's not particularly compatible. It's like two people dating each other with completely different tastes in music, art or food. It doesn't mean that the relationship can't work but it means that you'll each have to compromise somewhat. If you are having sex every few days, that may be where it's at.
A woman can have an orgasm one after the other, a man cannot physically do this. It's called a "refractory period" and men are not physically capable of back-to-back multiple orgasm. It's not his "fault" and there is nothing wrong - it's how men are physically programmed. A refractory period can be a few minutes or as much as 12-18 hours and this is normal.
I'm sure he likes you as much as you like him! Does he treat you well and is he kind and thoughtful? Do you hang out as friends as well as lovers? If so, then please don't keep score or mention to him about not being able to have sex multiple times within a short period. I know you wouldn't do this to be critical but he may feel inadequate and withdraw. Men and women are made differently! We need to adjust to each other to accommodate our different needs and abilities.
If everything else is great in your relationship (and it sounds like it is!) then of course you can try to revv things up a little more and see how he responds. Your needs matter too! But if you find that his sexual levels remain different to yours but you are still having good sex regularly, then this may just be the way things are.
What do you think?
August 22, 2009 - 11:30amThanks for your comments, a lot of it made sense. He treats me well most of the time, although I often find he can be distant when we go out, I sometimes feel that he acts like he's not with me when we go out, as if to see what else is out there! Men, I'll never fathom them out. A lot of his problems stem from the way his last girlfriend treated him. He has taken over the role of Dad to my son, and treats him well, so I can't complain. It's just adjustments for all concerned!
August 23, 2009 - 7:06amHi, I was trying to find advise about the same problem I too was having with my bf. hoever, it's been two years now....same instance. I'm wondering where everything stood with you and your bf since your post is over a year old. It's tough I know and it sucks!
I can't rreally address this with him...he's a lawyer and arguing with him is a no win situation for me.
I just wonder why these guys don't want to have fun....seriously???
Hope all is well with you!
E
October 11, 2010 - 9:08pmHi,
Thanks for your comments, I see what you mean about your bf being a lawyer, mind you I don't think many women can win an argument with their bf's as they always want to be right!! Nothing much has changed for me, still lucky if I get sex every 2 months! He doesn't search for his ex, as far as I'm aware of but what I have found out is he receives texts from another 'ex' who he says is 'a really good friend' but these texts are quite exlicit on her part and he won't tell her to stop, every time the matter has been brought up for discussion, he either storms off or says it's 'my problem not his'. She split us up briefly earlier this year, and we were in the middle of buying a house at the time. I don't feel that my bf really loves me as much as he should as he always seems to put me second, especially where this other woman is concerned. I don't think there's anything going on between them other than texting, but the fact he won't ask her to stop upsets me - he knows this but doesn't seem to care! I just wish I could find a decent fella, but it's hard when you have a child to consider too. All I want is trust, love & respect and to be made to feel special - not too much to ask! I hope your situation has improved, it's really hard at times, not being able to talk to anyone, but it's lovely to hear advice and comments from other women that I wouldn't normally have crossed paths with and who are in similar situations. I hope we both get what we want in the end. I'm not asking for sex every few days, but I think every 2 months and sometimes longer is a bit much, and even then it only happens if I initiate it. I thought men were supposed to be the dominant ones not us.
Thanks again all who have answered my first post. Hope we all have better luck in the future and find someone who is worthy of us.
take care,
October 14, 2010 - 2:03amkind regards.
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