ask: My boyfriend NEVER wants to have sex. He denies me ALL the time. Even if I'm naked and willing! HELP!!!!

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I'm 26 years old, and my bf's 24. We're on our 4th year together. For the past, almost 2 years, he hasn't wanted to have sex. We yoused to have a GREAT sex life, it's how we got together, and now, it's diminished. I've asked him about it, I've yelled, I've cried, and nothing. He just tells me he doesn't know. He denies me constantly. I've layed naked beside him, offered him blowjobs, I've even touched myself infront of him, and he still denies me. I know he's not cheating. He's never worked a day in his life so it's not that. He's in school, but only so he can play on their Hockey Team, so it's not school. He's not gay. He won't even kiss me! More than a peck that is. He gambles, A LOT. Poker, and sports betting. I thought it might even be that, since he's consumed with it, but even an addict would want a naked girl lying there ready and wanting, wouldn't they??? I'm not an unattractive girl either. Not trying to be conceited, but just to explain. This is such a problem now. I moved with him for the 3rd "school year" (Sept-April), in a row, 2 Provinces away from where I'm from, with no family, and barely any friends. I just don't know if it's worth it anymore. I don't even know if I should or can be mad at him. I try to get serious about it, and he just tells me, he is attracted to me, that I'm beautiful, and he loves me a lot, but he doesn't know why he doesn't want to. He even told me tonight, after yet another denial, that he loves me too much to do it?. And he can get it up, so it's also not that. I actually think he doesn't know. It's been way too long, and I've gotten so upset over it, so many times. I don't think he wouldn't tell me if he actually knew.

I love him a lot, I really do, but I'm so young, we both are, I can't keep getting denied. It really screws with my head, and my heart. I've never been so insecure. And sad.
I just really don't know what to do... Is a relationship even anything without sex? And, can I keep being in this relationship without ever being desired???
Can this relationship be saved? Is there anything left to do, or are we pretty much done?
I seriously need help:(

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EmpowHER Guest

Im in a bad situation. Im 36 and he is 45. He only shoves his dick in my moist but dry pussy. He doesnt work me up at all. He just fingers me for 1 minute before he shoves it in. I give him oral but he wont return the favor. I can actually have over 10 orgasms in a day but he wont give me 1 orgasm. When i dont want him shoving his thing in me i still jerk him off so that he can get off. I have a 17 year old daughter so i try to keep the family together but i really dont think i deserve to be horny all the time for the rest of my life. I need love and affection. I feel very ashamed of myself because im with this guy who is more than able to make love to me but i dont think he gives a fuck. Im worth more than this silly shit. Any help please.

July 13, 2015 - 1:14pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You're relationship isn't working on a sexual level, that's for sure. If it's working in other ways then it might be worth fighting for. Your daughter is 17 - she'll be an adult soon enough, that's not a reason for staying in a bad relationship.

July 14, 2015 - 6:10am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Hey Susan. Thank you for your post. I dont know if he s worth it. Sex is important but it doesn t mean everything to me. Love is. I just deserve some respect. He s asking for sex all the time but its just for his satisfaction. He cheated on me when my daughter was about 4 years old. The chick told me that he gave her oral. He also had another chick say the same thing about him. He denies it but im not stupid. I am very clean. My vagina smells and taste great. If anything he is the one who could be more clean. I use to do him because I love him. I dont enjoy bjs. He hasnt cheated in the past 15 years but it will never undo pleasing someone else over me.

July 15, 2015 - 8:30am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I think there's more to this relationship than bad sex or good tasting vaginas.

I think your partner is disrespectful to you and getting over cheating is possible for some, not for others.

If you are not feeling loved or respected then you need relationship counseling. Every woman deserves a good relationship, including you. If he won't change, then you'll have to.

I do hope things get better for you but don't waste more years hoping he will change if he keeps proving over and over that he won't.


July 15, 2015 - 3:20pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm 32 and married with 2 boys and one on the way. I've been married for 4 years an my husband is the same way. He doesn't seem to want to touch me, cuddle, kiss, fuck, or anything. He's actually the first guy I've ever been with who hasn't wanted sex often and I miss it too. When we met I lived in another state so when he came to see me we'd have sex and be close but since I moved to his state he changed and then I seen Hus true colors and I don't really like it. I have a high sex drive and being with another who doesn't is very sad and frustrating. He doesn't seen it as an issue and also likes to change the subject, mostly because he doesn't understand I think. It seems he doesn't seen the closeness to me as I do to him. I've been trying to find a way to get through to him but I think for me, a therapist is the only answer. Do you other young, not married girls...if you feel, deep down, that nothing will get better than leave him. If its been over a year or 2 with no change...I'm sorry to say there won't be in years to come. Guys have a hard time realizing their faults and in turn changing. I'm stuck at the moment but will always fight for my needs but you guys can find a better life that suits your needs as well as his. It should never be a one way street in a loving, respectable relationship.
Hope all goes well for all you ladies...good luck.

April 26, 2015 - 8:38pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi, I am 25 and my boyfriend is 35. We have been together for 2 years. I have a super sexual labito and I always have to initiate sex. He never does. But when we do have sex... I know he enjoys it with me. Y wouldnt he want to initiate it. I know he works hard and is tired alot but how as a guy can he not be all over me... trying to have sex all the time... I dont understand it.

January 11, 2015 - 10:06am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm 23 my boyfriends 23 I'm laying in bed half naked and he doesn't even try to touch me he also says I love you and your beautiful but still nothing I cry I'm sad he comes in the room to see if I'm touching myself but of course I'm not just frustrated he yells stating that I'm depressed and he's annoyed but I'm not depressed just pissed I deserve someone who wants me I've befn with him for 3 years going on 4 Im ready to walk away if this doesn't change

September 27, 2014 - 2:53pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Anon, you are far too young to have to put up with this.

If he isn't willing to change, then you have to.  Three years is a long time to spend in a relationship that isn't working but one more day is too much more. 

Move on and start life over; it'll be worth it, I promise. 


September 27, 2014 - 7:14pm
EmpowHER Guest

Nothing works me and my bf have been together for 3 years now. We haven't had sex in 15 months and its killing me!!!!! Like right now i am laying naked in bed next to him and still nothing. We use to have sex but now nothing! He says that he wants to wait until we get married that it would be something to look forward to. He also says that his other relationships that had sex in them didn't last.
I don't want our whole relationship to be about sex i just want a sex life!!!! The rest of our relationship is great it's just this. Idk what to do anymore i have ran out of options.

May 13, 2014 - 5:18am
EmpowHER Guest

in a very similair situation. Im 21 and by boyfriend is 24. when we first got together we had se whenever we could. When we moved in together it started to fizzle out. Now its months before we have sex again. Im currently in a 9 month drought.
Ive contemplated cheating on him. I need to have that closeness to someone sex is a huge thing for me and i sincereley miss it. The thing is he wont talk about it. He just ignores the issue and changes the subject. I want him to see a doctor but he wont even consider it. Ive had every excuse from headaches to stress at work. i feel unwanted, un attractive and frankly like a live in house cleaner. And when we do eventually have sex its like he cant be bothered. theres no intimacy. he just tells me to get naked. shoves it up my bum for a bit then he has se with me untill he thinks ive orgasm'd (which most of the time im faking because its not enjoyable for me) theres no foreplay or anything else. its just wham bam thank you mam. Im seriousley contemplating leaving him. but i love him. This is a man who regardless of the issues wit our sex life i want to settle down and get married to and have children. Which is another reason why this concerns me. How are we supposed to have kids one day when we never have sex.
Im at the end of my tether with it all now. Anyone have any suggestions?

November 20, 2011 - 7:41am
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