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ask: My boyfriend NEVER wants to have sex. He denies me ALL the time. Even if I'm naked and willing! HELP!!!!

I'm 26 years old, and my bf's 24. We're on our 4th year together. For the past, almost 2 years, he hasn't wanted to have sex. We yoused to have a GREAT sex life, it's how we got together, and now, it's diminished. I've asked him about it, I've yelled, I've cried, and nothing. He just tells me he doesn't know. He denies me constantly. I've layed naked beside him, offered him blowjobs, I've even touched myself infront of him, and he still denies me. I know he's not cheating. He's never worked a day in his life so it's not that. He's in school, but only so he can play on their Hockey Team, so it's not school. He's not gay. He won't even kiss me! More than a peck that is. He gambles, A LOT. Poker, and sports betting. I thought it might even be that, since he's consumed with it, but even an addict would want a naked girl lying there ready and wanting, wouldn't they??? I'm not an unattractive girl either. Not trying to be conceited, but just to explain. This is such a problem now. I moved with him for the 3rd "school year" (Sept-April), in a row, 2 Provinces away from where I'm from, with no family, and barely any friends. I just don't know if it's worth it anymore. I don't even know if I should or can be mad at him. I try to get serious about it, and he just tells me, he is attracted to me, that I'm beautiful, and he loves me a lot, but he doesn't know why he doesn't want to. He even told me tonight, after yet another denial, that he loves me too much to do it?. And he can get it up, so it's also not that. I actually think he doesn't know. It's been way too long, and I've gotten so upset over it, so many times. I don't think he wouldn't tell me if he actually knew.

I love him a lot, I really do, but I'm so young, we both are, I can't keep getting denied. It really screws with my head, and my heart. I've never been so insecure. And sad.
I just really don't know what to do... Is a relationship even anything without sex? And, can I keep being in this relationship without ever being desired???
Can this relationship be saved? Is there anything left to do, or are we pretty much done?
I seriously need help:(

Add a Comment13 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

in a very similair situation. Im 21 and by boyfriend is 24. when we first got together we had se whenever we could. When we moved in together it started to fizzle out. Now its months before we have sex again. Im currently in a 9 month drought.
Ive contemplated cheating on him. I need to have that closeness to someone sex is a huge thing for me and i sincereley miss it. The thing is he wont talk about it. He just ignores the issue and changes the subject. I want him to see a doctor but he wont even consider it. Ive had every excuse from headaches to stress at work. i feel unwanted, un attractive and frankly like a live in house cleaner. And when we do eventually have sex its like he cant be bothered. theres no intimacy. he just tells me to get naked. shoves it up my bum for a bit then he has se with me untill he thinks ive orgasm'd (which most of the time im faking because its not enjoyable for me) theres no foreplay or anything else. its just wham bam thank you mam. Im seriousley contemplating leaving him. but i love him. This is a man who regardless of the issues wit our sex life i want to settle down and get married to and have children. Which is another reason why this concerns me. How are we supposed to have kids one day when we never have sex.
Im at the end of my tether with it all now. Anyone have any suggestions?

November 20, 2011 - 7:41am
lukkhi

It is easy to find faults in others or in ourselves.If it is truly love someone then we accept the situarion and with determination work sincerely for a better life.
In the east,people have loving relationships without getting physical before marraige and this practice is still cooomontill date.
To love means to give and not see what we are getting alone.
In case you really love him ,why not actually develop a honest relationship with him and openly talk instead of seeking solution on the net.
I do not intend to preach.just for you good.sorry :)

April 24, 2011 - 11:41pm
misvives HERWriter Guide

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for your question anonymous and I am sorry that are and your partner are having issues. Communication is key. You must express and talk to her about your feelings about this issue and see where you two can come to an agreement or perhaps a disagreement that may change your lives forever. Either way, you are obviously looking for answers since you are unhappy...go to her and see what she says.

I hope this helps.
Good luck,
Missie

April 24, 2011 - 11:33am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hihi my name is Paris. I'm 19. Currently...I've been having the SAME issue with my life partner. We got engaged January 3d and had sex that evening. I've tried EVERYTHING in my power to get my fiance to make love to me...and nothing works. Its like the things that did turn her on...don't anymore. And sometimes I feel completely disgusting..ugly...or like something is wrong with me. She tells me I'm gorgeous and she loves me...but I've been wanting/needing tht connection. It never works. Nothing I do. I'm not an ugly girl either..lol....I model. I even took sexy pics and gave them to her and it didn't work! I get so frustrated to the point I get mad at her or cry. I know she isn't cheatin because we work together and have the same schedules.......what the hell? What do I do. And please don't tell me vibrators...its not the connection I crave. I've tried it..its her I want.

April 23, 2011 - 11:01pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My Husband is 32 and I am 28. We have been married for a few years. He says he always has had a low libido, and that he found more Passion with his lab research than with me (or girls in general, I was his first GF). There's one problem though, I am hypersexual! I usually end up dragging HIM to bed! He says it's nothing personal, and I haven't taken it personally. We love each other very much, and have so much going for each other, but not so much in the sex department. We have been discussing the idea of me having sex with other men to satisfy my urges. So far, he doesn't have a problem with it. Don't be afraid to have these kinds of discussions with your man! If he doesn't like the idea, maybe it will open his eyes and make himself more possessive of you, and taking you to bed more often... ;) Cheers!

April 23, 2011 - 7:54pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

u cant just lay there in the nooooooood u need to talk dirty and act like a pornstar. if u love him then u wont be embarassed and it will make him feel like he is in a porno, guys love that

March 10, 2010 - 2:00am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Omg me friggen too! Except I'm 20 years old. He is a poker player who has never worked either. & we are also entering a 4th year in an on off relationship. He hasn't been interested in sex with me for about a year now. He won't touch me but he does want oral. Alot! It's really selfish and annoying. And I sit there really really horny as he moans in pleasure. I've thought he's prob tired of me. And to be honest I think that's probably it. =( it really sucks. I know how you feel. I'm to the point where I don't know what to do.

November 18, 2009 - 9:25am
Diane Porter (reply to Anonymous)

Anon,

You are just 20 years old -- so you have been in an on-again, off-again relationship with this man since you were 16? And he wants you to service him but he won't touch you?

Why are you staying? You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve to be with a partner who sees you as a partner, not as a plaything.

November 19, 2009 - 9:34am
Diane Porter

Courtney,

What do YOU want from your life? In addition to a loving relationship, of course, what do YOU hope to do in your life?

You mention that your boyfriend wants to play poker forever, play hockey forever, and have sex to porn instead of you. And that you dont' know if you want to follow him around (to the casino, to the hockey games) for the rest of your life, but you aren't sure what you'd do without him.

So let's talk about what you'd do without him. What sort of dreams did you have for your life before you met him? What kind of career or profession interests you? Do you want to travel? Do you have any natural talents, things you love to do?

What kinds of small things make you happy? Your favorite things to wear, your favorite music, your favorite movies? Do you have girlfriends that you keep up with? Are you close to your family?

His life is not your life. And it can't be. You aren't happy that he gambles, that he masturbates to porn, or that he won't pay attention to you, but you aren't sure what you'd do without him. That's called settling, Courtney. And it isn't something that feels good to you.

So I urge you to do something -- start a journal, maybe -- where you get back in touch with Courtney. Maybe you only write in it for 15 minutes a day, but what you write about is what YOU want, what makes YOU happy, and what YOU hope will happen in your day, your week, your year, your life.

What makes you special?

October 29, 2009 - 8:37am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

It's not weird that it bugs you when he looks at porn and masturbates to it. That would bug me too! Especially if he won't have sex with you! Ask him to stop witht the porno and be with you instead.
It really seems to be true that the more men look at internet porn, the less they want to have sex with their partners.
Ask him how he'd feel if you got a huge dildo and played with that instead of having sex with him? Taht might get his attention!

October 28, 2009 - 4:00pm
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