Facebook Pixel
ask: 

My boyfriend NEVER wants to have sex. He denies me ALL the time. Even if I'm naked and willing! HELP!!!!

By October 28, 2009 - 1:23am
 
Rate This

I'm 26 years old, and my bf's 24. We're on our 4th year together. For the past, almost 2 years, he hasn't wanted to have sex. We yoused to have a GREAT sex life, it's how we got together, and now, it's diminished. I've asked him about it, I've yelled, I've cried, and nothing. He just tells me he doesn't know. He denies me constantly. I've layed naked beside him, offered him blowjobs, I've even touched myself infront of him, and he still denies me. I know he's not cheating. He's never worked a day in his life so it's not that. He's in school, but only so he can play on their Hockey Team, so it's not school. He's not gay. He won't even kiss me! More than a peck that is. He gambles, A LOT. Poker, and sports betting. I thought it might even be that, since he's consumed with it, but even an addict would want a naked girl lying there ready and wanting, wouldn't they??? I'm not an unattractive girl either. Not trying to be conceited, but just to explain. This is such a problem now. I moved with him for the 3rd "school year" (Sept-April), in a row, 2 Provinces away from where I'm from, with no family, and barely any friends. I just don't know if it's worth it anymore. I don't even know if I should or can be mad at him. I try to get serious about it, and he just tells me, he is attracted to me, that I'm beautiful, and he loves me a lot, but he doesn't know why he doesn't want to. He even told me tonight, after yet another denial, that he loves me too much to do it?. And he can get it up, so it's also not that. I actually think he doesn't know. It's been way too long, and I've gotten so upset over it, so many times. I don't think he wouldn't tell me if he actually knew.

I love him a lot, I really do, but I'm so young, we both are, I can't keep getting denied. It really screws with my head, and my heart. I've never been so insecure. And sad.
I just really don't know what to do... Is a relationship even anything without sex? And, can I keep being in this relationship without ever being desired???
Can this relationship be saved? Is there anything left to do, or are we pretty much done?
I seriously need help:(

Add a Comment34 Comments

I'm beginning to feel like there might be a third party involved in the demise of my fiancés sexual attraction to me :( . We used to be like rabbits too......same old story......now I feel as though I couldn't get him to notice me walking around naked, let alone want what I was offering.
And just on that, I've NEVER turned him down for sex; but he's brushed me aside or just pretended to be asleep. I'm not blowing my own horn here, but I'm not the ugliest woman on earth; other men notice me all the time, which makes him mad! But, he doesn't want me!
When I mentioned a chick he works with to see if that could be the problem, he blushed! My man never blushes, unless his true feelings betray him. And he'll talk about every one else at work, except for her. And now all of a sudden he wants to transfer shifts; all after I confronted him about this co worker he's gone all funny about. Every other chick is described as fat, or ugly, but he has nothing bad to say about this girl, even going as far to say he feels sorry for her, for the way her partner treats her......i don't really give a flying fuck about how badly she gets treated, and why the fuck should he!?
Sorry, I'm just trying to understand what it is that's taking my fiancés sexual attention away from me :(
It's funny how he cares about this girls treatment at work; he verbally abuses me every day, yet he feels sorry for a co worker who cops it from her own partner?
I spoke to him about the similarities between me and this girl, and more blushing! I pointed out that she's probably looking for a soft place to fall after being abused by her partner, and that he's playing right into her hand by showing he cares and being extra helpful at work. Now I hear of her flirting with him, and calling him off his breaks (when she knows he's texting me),saying its a work emergency.
I asked him if he's told her he's engaged, and he got defensive! Said he doesn't have to tell her that, I should just trust him. Oh boy.
Tonight before he left for work (night shift, yeah neat), he said the strangest thing; he said I don't think about anything else at work except for you......and I thought that was an odd comment.......especially after I confronted him about this girl earlier today......
Sorry for raving on.....i have no one else to talk to, I'm pretty much isolated from my friends and family these days; I sleep when he sleeps; go out when he goes out and watch what he wants to watch on tv.
My world has shrunk dramatically from when we first got together; now he's my whole world, and he doesn't want me sexually anymore....... Just so hurt and confused

December 8, 2016 - 8:26am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Koru Princess)

Hi Anon

Thank you for your post.

Don't spend anytime speculating as to whether your fiances co-worker is flirting with him. Don't make this about her. Women tend to lash out at a suspected "other woman" when she may not even know he has a girlfriend, nevermind engaged. This is about you and your fiance. You said he verbally abuses you every day and does want want to have sex with you. Why are you engaged to him?

You need to reassess everything; get more of a life for yourself. It sounds like you have cut ties to a lot of the outside world when it's these people who could support you right now. Reach out to them so you have someone to talk to.

Don't get married until this is sorted. All signs are pointing to the possibility that your fiance is up to something he doesn't want you to know about. It's better to end the engagement now rather than end up married to man who doesn't really love you.

Best,
Susan

December 8, 2016 - 3:23pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi I'm 27 and my bf is 25. We've been together alittle more than a year. The sex kinda slowed down after 6 months and it's been a constant battle to get him to want to touch me that way. A good week is when we have sex at least once. He says he's trying but always pushes me away when I try to start things. He's very affectionate and tells me he loves me all the time. I have mentioned to him that he no longer tells me I'm beautiful and I always catching him looking at other girls when we're at the gym. I've asked him if it's me and he's says no he's just not in the mood. Idk what to do anymore and I'm always blaming myself, thinking I'm not good enough or disgusting or something. I've never had this problem before and don't know where to go from here.

November 29, 2016 - 11:58pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am going through the same thing and it hurts a lot...I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and nothing not even making out or touching...I get very lonely and sad...I Love My Man too...But I can't go on living like this anymore...He makes up excuses not to to touch me or have sex with me...even when I touch him he curls up like a little girl and then he rejects me. I have searched websites high and low , I also thought some thing was wrong with me and I know I'm a very attractive woman but sometimes I feel like it's not enough...Maybe we both have chosen the wrong guy even though we both love our men...sex is important in a relationship , it's a type of connection that shows love...Good luck and I hope you find happiness.

September 20, 2016 - 6:10am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I can only offer 1 perspective on this issue, my own.... I am a man, so maybe some of this will ring true or be of some use to you. Men, myself included, are often far more sensitive than they are willing to let on or are given credit for. Quite often with men, if they are unhappy or uncomfortable in a situation, will become either defensive or in more delicate situations we tend to withdraw from it. Me and my girlfriend are going through similar problems. Why? well, for the record I have a very high libido and can tell you that drive is not the issue. As our relationship has progressed I began to notice more and more criticism levied at me in every day life, her mobile phone has become a more permanent fixture in my company, and her social life always takes precedence over us spending time together. If I say something about her inattentiveness or criticism's then I'm "too sensetive". If I complain about her going out too much or cancelling our plans then I'm "controlling", If I go out or cancel plans then she is "disappointed in me" and won't speak to me for days. If I ask for sex when she doesn't want it I'm "objectifying her and only after one thing and have to be mindful of her needs" if she wants sex and I don't then I'm "Not meeting her needs". I could go on but needless to say there is not just 1 thing that is the problem here; I still love her and we have some truly amazing times together but as you can imagine I reached a state of confusion and annoyance which then quickly sublimated to apathy - which is a strong coping mechanism, after all how can something hurt your feelings if you don't care about it? With regards to sex, I am definitely less interested in it because I have 'turned of' to some degree to protect my own feelings.

November 20, 2016 - 7:28am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hello I'm just needing a little insight about my relationship . I'm a 21 year old beautiful woman I've been dating a 27 year old man for a year. When I first started to date him we were making love like rabbits and he doesn't have a bad size penis but it makes me miss the sizes I'm used to. He is a wonderful man he loves me, we live together , he supports me respects me the whole nine. It s just he doesn't like to have sex with me, or the women he dates. His past girlfriend dumped him because of that. He's not gay he loves and admires women but when it comes to sex he gets soft while he's in me. He's doesn't mind eating me out but I honestly just want some dick for a change . I feel like I'm 21 and not really living my young adult years because I'm to busy trying to love a man who doesn't even want to have sex. I try everything oral, lingerie, and it still doesn't get him up or want to have sex , then itsucks because he does have a small penis so when we Mae love I can't really feel it and when he get soft I can't feel it at all and it's so frustrating. I dont want to leave him because he is good to me and o don't want it to be all about the sex but DAMN something got to give . what should I do ?

December 11, 2015 - 1:18am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Unless your boyfriend gets a penile implant, there is nothing you can do about size. Comparing him to past men is pointless, he is who he is.

Your boyfriend may have erectile dysfunction and may be too shy to see a doctor. Encouraging him to do this, without making him feel bad, is a good idea. Since this is a pattern for him, he needs to look into any physical or emotional reason this is happening. ED is mostly a psychological issue - therapy may help.
Best,
Susan

December 11, 2015 - 6:59am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My boyfriend is 28 and I am 24. We have been together three years now and over a year ago we stopped having sex. Now I am lucky to get anything more than a peck on the lips. I've tried many ways to turn him on but I get nothing. At times he gets annoyed if I even touch on him but he has no problem teasing me by asking for it. He tells me he loves me, that I'm beautiful and that he is still attracted to me. He would always say hes too tired or he's busy, even if just watching tv. I've tried to talk to him about it but it frustrates him. He couldn't give me an excuse until 6 months of no sex and he told me he just didn't want it at that time. Months later he told me it is because he wants to wait to consumate engagement but after thinking for a few weeks I told him he should have discussed this with me because it should be what I want too. This led to an argument and we haven't talked about it since. He doesn't show much affection like he use to. I am already self conscious and the constant denial Isn't helping. I don't want to leave because I love him and have put a lot into this relationship but I feel it isn't returned. I really don't know where to go from here because I don't want to feel like it is a wrong reason to want out.

November 29, 2015 - 1:55pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I think there's more going on that him suddenly wanting to wait for engagement or marriage to have sex. He's not even really showing you affection in any way which is troubling.

A sexless relationship is not a wrong reason to move on - don't think marriage will fix it, it may not at all.

I know three years is a long time but it's not really, in the scheme of things. Don't make that a reason for staying. Tell your boyfriend that you love him and you miss his affection. If he gets annoyed, pushes you away or won't discuss things then you need to decide if this is an acceptable way to live. If not, you need to move on.
Best,
Susan

November 30, 2015 - 7:09am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi I'm 18, boyfriend/fiancée is 21.
We are young so we such be doing it a lot like rabbits but sadly no. I try and try, from walking around the house in sexy role play outfits to nothing at all, I try kissing him, touching him, everything you can think of and nothing!
We used to do it all the time and it would last a good 20 mins, but now if and when I get any, it lasts 3 mins tops and I don't get off most times. Iv tried everything and he doesn't want to touch me. Our long kisses/ make outs have depleted to 1-2 second pecks. Iv tried talking to him, all he says is he's tired (no one is that tired every second of every day) or gets mad. Like I understand he works and stuff and gets stressed but come on now. I don't know what else to do.
-Bobbie

November 10, 2015 - 11:29pm
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!