ask: My boyfriend NEVER wants to have sex. He denies me ALL the time. Even if I'm naked and willing! HELP!!!!

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I'm 26 years old, and my bf's 24. We're on our 4th year together. For the past, almost 2 years, he hasn't wanted to have sex. We yoused to have a GREAT sex life, it's how we got together, and now, it's diminished. I've asked him about it, I've yelled, I've cried, and nothing. He just tells me he doesn't know. He denies me constantly. I've layed naked beside him, offered him blowjobs, I've even touched myself infront of him, and he still denies me. I know he's not cheating. He's never worked a day in his life so it's not that. He's in school, but only so he can play on their Hockey Team, so it's not school. He's not gay. He won't even kiss me! More than a peck that is. He gambles, A LOT. Poker, and sports betting. I thought it might even be that, since he's consumed with it, but even an addict would want a naked girl lying there ready and wanting, wouldn't they??? I'm not an unattractive girl either. Not trying to be conceited, but just to explain. This is such a problem now. I moved with him for the 3rd "school year" (Sept-April), in a row, 2 Provinces away from where I'm from, with no family, and barely any friends. I just don't know if it's worth it anymore. I don't even know if I should or can be mad at him. I try to get serious about it, and he just tells me, he is attracted to me, that I'm beautiful, and he loves me a lot, but he doesn't know why he doesn't want to. He even told me tonight, after yet another denial, that he loves me too much to do it?. And he can get it up, so it's also not that. I actually think he doesn't know. It's been way too long, and I've gotten so upset over it, so many times. I don't think he wouldn't tell me if he actually knew.

I love him a lot, I really do, but I'm so young, we both are, I can't keep getting denied. It really screws with my head, and my heart. I've never been so insecure. And sad.
I just really don't know what to do... Is a relationship even anything without sex? And, can I keep being in this relationship without ever being desired???
Can this relationship be saved? Is there anything left to do, or are we pretty much done?
I seriously need help:(

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EmpowHER Guest

I'm 32 and married with 2 boys and one on the way. I've been married for 4 years an my husband is the same way. He doesn't seem to want to touch me, cuddle, kiss, fuck, or anything. He's actually the first guy I've ever been with who hasn't wanted sex often and I miss it too. When we met I lived in another state so when he came to see me we'd have sex and be close but since I moved to his state he changed and then I seen Hus true colors and I don't really like it. I have a high sex drive and being with another who doesn't is very sad and frustrating. He doesn't seen it as an issue and also likes to change the subject, mostly because he doesn't understand I think. It seems he doesn't seen the closeness to me as I do to him. I've been trying to find a way to get through to him but I think for me, a therapist is the only answer. Do you other young, not married girls...if you feel, deep down, that nothing will get better than leave him. If its been over a year or 2 with no change...I'm sorry to say there won't be in years to come. Guys have a hard time realizing their faults and in turn changing. I'm stuck at the moment but will always fight for my needs but you guys can find a better life that suits your needs as well as his. It should never be a one way street in a loving, respectable relationship.
Hope all goes well for all you ladies...good luck.

April 26, 2015 - 8:38pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi, I am 25 and my boyfriend is 35. We have been together for 2 years. I have a super sexual labito and I always have to initiate sex. He never does. But when we do have sex... I know he enjoys it with me. Y wouldnt he want to initiate it. I know he works hard and is tired alot but how as a guy can he not be all over me... trying to have sex all the time... I dont understand it.

January 11, 2015 - 10:06am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm 23 my boyfriends 23 I'm laying in bed half naked and he doesn't even try to touch me he also says I love you and your beautiful but still nothing I cry I'm sad he comes in the room to see if I'm touching myself but of course I'm not just frustrated he yells stating that I'm depressed and he's annoyed but I'm not depressed just pissed I deserve someone who wants me I've befn with him for 3 years going on 4 Im ready to walk away if this doesn't change

September 27, 2014 - 2:53pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Anon, you are far too young to have to put up with this.

If he isn't willing to change, then you have to.  Three years is a long time to spend in a relationship that isn't working but one more day is too much more. 

Move on and start life over; it'll be worth it, I promise. 


September 27, 2014 - 7:14pm
EmpowHER Guest

Nothing works me and my bf have been together for 3 years now. We haven't had sex in 15 months and its killing me!!!!! Like right now i am laying naked in bed next to him and still nothing. We use to have sex but now nothing! He says that he wants to wait until we get married that it would be something to look forward to. He also says that his other relationships that had sex in them didn't last.
I don't want our whole relationship to be about sex i just want a sex life!!!! The rest of our relationship is great it's just this. Idk what to do anymore i have ran out of options.

May 13, 2014 - 5:18am
EmpowHER Guest

in a very similair situation. Im 21 and by boyfriend is 24. when we first got together we had se whenever we could. When we moved in together it started to fizzle out. Now its months before we have sex again. Im currently in a 9 month drought.
Ive contemplated cheating on him. I need to have that closeness to someone sex is a huge thing for me and i sincereley miss it. The thing is he wont talk about it. He just ignores the issue and changes the subject. I want him to see a doctor but he wont even consider it. Ive had every excuse from headaches to stress at work. i feel unwanted, un attractive and frankly like a live in house cleaner. And when we do eventually have sex its like he cant be bothered. theres no intimacy. he just tells me to get naked. shoves it up my bum for a bit then he has se with me untill he thinks ive orgasm'd (which most of the time im faking because its not enjoyable for me) theres no foreplay or anything else. its just wham bam thank you mam. Im seriousley contemplating leaving him. but i love him. This is a man who regardless of the issues wit our sex life i want to settle down and get married to and have children. Which is another reason why this concerns me. How are we supposed to have kids one day when we never have sex.
Im at the end of my tether with it all now. Anyone have any suggestions?

November 20, 2011 - 7:41am

It is easy to find faults in others or in ourselves.If it is truly love someone then we accept the situarion and with determination work sincerely for a better life.
In the east,people have loving relationships without getting physical before marraige and this practice is still cooomontill date.
To love means to give and not see what we are getting alone.
In case you really love him ,why not actually develop a honest relationship with him and openly talk instead of seeking solution on the net.
I do not intend to preach.just for you good.sorry :)

April 24, 2011 - 11:41pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to lukkhi)

That would actually apply if they never had sex before and want remain pure but in this case, the woman is talking about her intimacy life deminishing out of nowhere and because she can't regain it somehow, she's feeling insecure and also guilty in some way thinking she might make him feel like his new found morals are being broken into if and when she tries to regain her love life with this man. So the options are dull and she's getting desperate for affection. I personally am going through the same dilemma. I don't know if it's me or him.

December 5, 2014 - 7:20pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for your question anonymous and I am sorry that are and your partner are having issues. Communication is key. You must express and talk to her about your feelings about this issue and see where you two can come to an agreement or perhaps a disagreement that may change your lives forever. Either way, you are obviously looking for answers since you are unhappy...go to her and see what she says.

I hope this helps.
Good luck,

April 24, 2011 - 11:33am
EmpowHER Guest

Hihi my name is Paris. I'm 19. Currently...I've been having the SAME issue with my life partner. We got engaged January 3d and had sex that evening. I've tried EVERYTHING in my power to get my fiance to make love to me...and nothing works. Its like the things that did turn her on...don't anymore. And sometimes I feel completely disgusting..ugly...or like something is wrong with me. She tells me I'm gorgeous and she loves me...but I've been wanting/needing tht connection. It never works. Nothing I do. I'm not an ugly girl model. I even took sexy pics and gave them to her and it didn't work! I get so frustrated to the point I get mad at her or cry. I know she isn't cheatin because we work together and have the same schedules.......what the hell? What do I do. And please don't tell me vibrators...its not the connection I crave. I've tried it..its her I want.

April 23, 2011 - 11:01pm
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