My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me. It's killing me.

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. At first we were having sex 2 or 3 times a night when we were with each other. It was the best sex I had ever had - he seemed so intuitive and emotionally connected. After a few months the sex dwindled. It became less and less about giving me pleasure and seemed like a chore to him. His wife had had an affair - they had divorced - and he said that it was because he had been hurt so badly. I bring it up every now and again, but he gets cross that I am being relentless about it and always bringing it up! It's very difficult to talk to him about it which makes the whole thing 10 times worse. He has said he would see a doctor - one of the things may be a lack of testosterone which affects libido. I have never been in this situation before, it's normally been me saying that I'm a bit tired tonight! I have trained as a counsellor and try to consider what the root cause is. I have always been extremely empathetic but why he cannot understand it from my perspective baffles me. Cant or wont? Very frustrating. Although he says it has never happened to him before - which make me feel just great(!) - I don't believe him. I wonder whether this has happened in all his relationships. I blame his upbringing, his poor relationship with his mother, his years stuck away at boarding school, his mistrust of women generally. I am considering ending our relationship as surely sex and intimacy is fundamental, however we get on so well its a very difficult decision to stay or leave.

This from the Huff Post may address what the root issues can be.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/why-doesnt-he-want-to-have-sex-with-me_b_5072472.html

Wow, I understand you so much. It felt like I was reading my exact situation. I feel torn inside. I feel disgusting. I feel so unwanted. The only time anything sexual happens between my boyfriend and I is when I start it and even then, I don't get any sex. All that happens is that I suck him off, he cums in my mouth, and I finish my own self off. He never fingers me nor eats me out. Honestly I feel terrible writing that out. I've never told anyone. The only reason I do it is because I genuinely enjoy giving him pleasure. It turns me on, but afterwards I feel like complete shit because nothing was done to me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel helpless. I've always been such a sexual person. How could this be happening to me? I just can't stand it. I feel like I love my boyfriend very much, and he shows to love me too except when it comes to sexual things. It has been 8 months and I'm going insane. I have to masturbate in private and that makes me feel terrible. This post helped me feel like I'm not alone. Sometimes I think the best thing would be to find someone else because my boyfriend never wants to fix this problem, even when I cry to him and express how I feel. My best advice to you would be to masturbate any time you can. We both have to really think about if this is what we want to deal with for the rest of our lives. We're not getting any younger. :(

This is an old thread and probably nobody will read it, but I just need to get this off my chest. My boyfriend and I are 19, and we have been over a year together. I have more experience on sex than he does, but we never really talked about it cause I don't want him to feel pressured. We don't have many places where we can have complete privacy, but I always look for options like motels, my house. Still, he is never really into it. I am always the one that tries to initiate it and he only makes up dumb excuses like "I want to perform well but...", "I don't have time", "I feel pressured". Of course I give him his space, but it kills me because I feel unwanted and undesired. I have suggested a lot of options, ranging from going to a doctor to meeting other people.. But he is very jealous and I don't understand him. He can't bear the thought of me being (sexually or not ) with someone else, but he doesn't really want me for him either. This has taken a toll on me, because I love him and he loves me too, but we fight daily and are always an on and off couple. I have tried spicing things up, as we used to have a lot of phone sex when our relationship started, but even that is just plain sad now. All my male friends compliment me, and a lot would probably sleep with me given the chance. So, why doesn't he?
What he does recently, is that he beggins touching me when I am upset or stressed out, and I proceed to try to to do something to please him because I want him to be happy and satisfied with me. But it all feels like he is giving me a pity fuck. And it is worse. Plus, we haven't had actual penetration in months, just the things that come before. And he tends to be way too rough, like he feels obliged to do something he doesn't want to do, and he leaves bruises on my body.
Does anyone have a suggestion? I do believe we love each other and we are not perfect, but we are still a team. Sex is not everything yet I am way too young to be in a sexless relationship. Are we turning toxic for each other? Cause it seems to me that although we try so hard to make it work, we are far from succeeding. Sorry for the long post.

Ugh, yes.

My boyfriend is 23 and I'm 25 and we've been together for about 2 years. He's always been less interested in sex than me and 98% of the time it's me initiating it. The sad part is knowing that if I didn't say anything about it, it would probably only happen like four times a year. And every time we do anything sexual, I can't help but wondering if he actually wants to, or if he's just trying to keep me from being upset. I try not to nag him or pressure him since I know that will only make it worse, but it's kind of scary knowing that this is only the second year of what I'm hoping will be a very long relationship; like what will the situation be in 10 years? 20?

I identify with all those middle aged men in TV shows and movies who are always begging their wives to have sex with them and trying to figure out their "secret women code." And of course, if you search "why doesn't my partner want to have sex with me" all you'll find are articles from lifestyle magazines about how men should give their wives more massages and shit. "Compliment her when she gets her hair done!" Ha. The shoes is never portrayed on the other foot, which is why it's nice reading all of these comments.

I clearly have no solutions for the problem we all share, only that we shouldn't allow the medias portrayal of sex-hungry men and prudish women to rub salt in our wounds and exacerbate how we feel.

weve been married for 50 years and my husband quit our sex life 45 years ago. we like each other but love stopped years ago. were still married and I don't really know why!
He's not gay or have any interest in other women just hates sex and intimacy. I never knew this before we were married and maybe he didn't either but that still, he should have tried to get this fixed. He never looked for help and just told me that's life and find some thing else to do in place of sex. He always worked nights and never bothered with me. I have just been depressed for years and he doesn't care.

I know this is a very old post but I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been dating for around 2 years. When we first started, we had sex multiple times a day, every day. I wasn't a very sexual person before meeting him, but after, he awakened a love of sex in me. Around a year ago our sex started to dwindle to once every 1-2 weeks or so and while it bothered me I accepted it was because of our different schedules and from distance however for the past 4-5 months we have been living together and we haven't had sex once. We went from doing it multiple times a day to never. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. He used to be such a sexual person and now it seems to disgust him (Altho he didn't have any problem asking our girlfriend (we are in a closed poly relationship) for sex. Every time I try to initiate he makes excuses that's he's tired or something to that extent and last time I tried to initiate he said it was like I was trying to guilt him to have sex with me. That hurt a lot. I try to understand him and not push but I miss the intimacy and closeness we had. I feel like both of us are too young to just be in a sexless relationship and it makes me feel disgusting and unwanted. I just don't know what to do.