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my boyfriend went on a trip for 2 weeks without me, and im not sure what to think.

By September 6, 2010 - 10:18pm
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my boyfriend went on a trip to japan for 2 weeks without me and it bothers me. but here's the thing... he's lived in japan before for like 3 months and while he was living there he was dating someone. and she was part of the reason he wanted to live there. i asked him why he is going there again. and he said because last time he was there he didn't get to explore the country as much. i asked him while he was there if he was going to see her and he said no, too big of a headache. we got into a big argument and now he doesn't want to talk to me until he gets back to the states. so im thinking out of sight, out of mind. i don't know what the heck he is doing there. i want to trust him but i can't. another thing too is that he won't be my friend on facebook. so i can't see his friends or postings. that makes it harder for me to trust him. when he gets back we're going to have a talk but i am thinking should i even bother?!

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I wanted to add my two cents as well. I honestly don't think I would bother "having a talk with him", as this rarely goes well in even the most serious, long-term and committed relationships! These types of "talks" that do go well usually have to do with one, specific changeable behavior. You are wanting to talk about many, many things that have more to do with his personality.

I believe the best thing you can do is just take a few steps back yourself, and invest as much time and energy and yourself as you are receiving. Just be an observer for a while in the relationship, as he is showing you his best self right now. He is not going to change his behaviors because of a "talk"; these are conscious choices he is making,, despite you already talking with him and voicing your concerns. I believe he has heard you, and he is making decisions based on knowing your concerns. This is probably not the healthiest relationship, unfortunately.

The biggest red flag for me is when you said: "...he has told me it takes him awhile to be more open and that if i quit pestering him about FB he would add me". That is absolutely not what makes for a healthy relationship; he sounds very immature if he is using something as simple as FB to "threaten" you with telling you to have good behavior and he will "reward" you with the gift of being his friend. He really needs to get over himself, and treat you with more kindness and respect. If you are not worthy of being a friend on FB regardless if you are "pestering" him or not...that word just makes me so frustrated! Your "pestering" is actually you voicing a concern, and if he does not value your concerns and sees you as a pest...he does not sound like he is invested in this relationship as much as you are. I'm sorry.

September 7, 2010 - 4:34pm

Hi St24,
I agree with Cary. It's odd to not "friend" you on FB, and really kind of sketchy. What's he doing on there that he doesn't want you to be a part of? That would bother me. I would personally take that as a big indicator of his commitment level, and decide for myself if I want to fight over it, or if I want to chalk it up to experience and move on. Be true to yourself. This is a boyfriend--I know it sounds trite, but there are plenty of fish in the sea--you deserve to be with someone who will not only be your boyfriend, but will "friend" you too. I know moving forward from this point is easier said than done, so take whatever time you need for yourself, and let us know if we can help further.

September 7, 2010 - 8:59am
(reply to Christine Jeffries)

Hi Christine,

It is odd! Some people say don't make such a big deal over it, but I can't help it. I want a open and honest relationship. I don't want to hide anything. I will have a talk with him and determine then if I can continue with him. Just not sure how to bring it up again with him without him getting irritated, which he does get very often.

September 7, 2010 - 12:56pm

Hi St24

I was reading your question and thought it was reasonable for your boyfriend to take this trip back to visit Japan, and even taking it without you seemed okay if there were monetary reasons or he just wanted to go alone. But then I got to the part about refusing to friend you on Facebook. Not cool.

This is a good time to decide how invested you are in this relationship. He clearly either has something to hide or wants to keep you at a distance, and neither of those bode well for your relationship. If you want to talk when he returns, you can do that, but I'm not sure what excuse for cutting you out of communication completely will be good enough.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Evaluate whether you really want a relationship with someone who treats you this way, and then go with your gut.

Good luck and thanks for writing.

September 7, 2010 - 6:54am
(reply to Cary Cook BSN RN)

Hi Cary,

Thanks for writing back! Facebook has continued to be an issue for me. I find it very strange. People I tell find it strange. I end up telling people its better we're not friends on FB, so we won't have jealousy and stuff. But I don't believe it. It still bothers me. he has told me it takes him awhile to be more open and that if i quit pestering him about FB he would add me.
I've made a list of concerns/issues I want to share with him, and if he can not meet me halfway, then I choose to be done with him. I don't want to feel and deal with this if nothing changes.

September 7, 2010 - 12:53pm
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