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ask: My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

By serah28
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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

Add a Comment56 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

I have been in a relationship for 6 years we used to have sex all the time and everywhere now we go 8months without it. I have tried to re-engage him but no luck. We plan to spend our lives togetjer bit I don't know anymore. He won't cuddle yet
he loves me and I know he is not cheating. We have lived together for 6 years also he is amazing but we have no sex life anymore for awhile I was ok with it but the closer we get to marriage the more concerned I am.

October 18, 2014 - 1:10am
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. Neither of us have ever met anyone we connected with so well. We moved in together after only dating for 3 months and it has been nothing short of amazing. Only one issue... we never have sex. It's once every 3 months and that's only after 2 months of practically begging. I try not to bring it up or bother him about it, but it hurts me. It's been like this for over a year now. He always says he is tired, his tummy hurts, he's not in the mood. I've asked if it's me? Have I put on weight? Do I wear my pj's too much? I'm tempted to try "the naked man" from how I met your mother. I don't even need sex every week, but I want to feel wanted and beautiful. I'm not even that much of a sex driven person. I'm just afraid of falling into friends do with who is supposed to be the love of my life.

October 17, 2014 - 3:09pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon


Thanks for your post! 


It's probably not you - it's probably him. You have a very close friendship with your man and you are lucky! But he's more of a room-mate than boyfriend so as amazing as your relationship us, it's not a romantic one and he seems fine with that which is sad for you. 


There are many reasons why sex stops or is drastically reduced in a relationship. It can be due to stress, ill-health, a hectic schedule, illness, fatigue, depression, medications or a lack of interest in sex.


A person may want to stop having sex with someone because they are no longer sexually interested in them.


To know why your boyfriend has changed and to understand why your intimate life is lacking, you will need to talk to him. Only your boyfriend can tell you the truth, all we can do is give you possibilities as we have done above. Anything else is a kind of guessing game on our part as we do not know your relationship, we do not know your boyfriend and we don’t know what he has to say about things.


Telling you his tummy hurts and he's tired is a bit childish and it's not really acceptable. He needs to be more honest.


Tell your boyfriend the truth. Tell him you love him, you miss the intimacy with him and want to work with him to make things better. Be kind and gentle but also be firm. Your boyfriend needs to accept that things are going wrong in the relationship and needs to take ownership in this.


Don’t beg for sex or nag or cry anymore. It’s time to have an adult conversation in this adult relationship. Any relationship can be saved if both parties are willing to be honest and are willing to work through their problems. Therapy may be helpful to you. But without this, the relationship will stay as it is or get worse.  


Make a point of helping to make things better and I hope your boyfriend will work with you. If he is not interested in making any kind of changes, then the changes will have to come from you. You will have to decide if this is what you want from your life or if you want more. That will be up to you.


You cannot “fix” or change a person that does not want to be changed. Please keep us posted and make sure your happiness is also a priority.




October 18, 2014 - 5:12am
EmpowHER Guest

Omg I'm so thankful I found this. I'm having the exact same problem. Me and my boyfriend have been together 4 years and we have a 2 year old son. We haver had sex in over a year. Our sex life used to be amazing. I thought the stresses of raising a child were affecting our relationship but now I'm not too sure. I never imagined I would be in this situation. I never get a straight forward answer on why we aren't intimate or affectionate in any way. The most he gives is a rare hug. I just don't know what to do. I'm basically just waiting and hoping things will change. Maybe I'll get a makeover lol idk I'm only 24 and he's 23 I know he wants to have sex. Just not with me

October 12, 2014 - 4:13am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm sorry about your troubles, I really am, especially since you have a child together and you can't just walk away.

You don't need a makeover, you need some honest answers about how your relationship is panning out. If your boyfriend isn't sexually interested in you anymore, then the relationship needs to change. A rare hug is something you get from a relative who lives for away, not your partner! 

You are waiting and hoping things will change but they are not changing. And why are you waiting for him to change? Why don't you change? Are you not doing this because you are afraid he'll admit the relationship is over and you will finally have to face up to it? I know it's going to be hard but you need to instigate this, stop waiting for him to decide everything. 

He may be having sex with someone else - that is something to bear in mind. 

Please be honest with yourself, Anon, and make the changes that I think you know you have to make. 



October 18, 2014 - 5:18am
EmpowHER Guest

I don't know what to do about me and my boyfriend we have been together for a year I love him so much but I can't seem to get him to make love with me anymore I always hear him in the shower you know master bating so I know he gets horny but iv tried to play with him if you know what I mean but he always has an excuse to why hey can't you know and too me it's not fair. We just had a baby three months ago....you know he could at least let me play with him but no I can't he always falls asleep or has gas or a headache or he can't get it up when I no better but I love him so much but idk what too do anymore I'm lost. Confused I feel unwanted depressed unmotivated cuz he says well maybe it's me cuz I'm getting old "yea right if that was the case you wouldn't masterbate in the shower for an hour" I'm mad and frustrated and I will tell him well it cuz I got so fat while I was pergo and he says no that's not it I love u all the same baby but nothing we have talked about but all he says is idk baby it me not you last time we made love was in January I was 4 months pergo and we didn't even finish but that was the last time it's almost been a year what do I do

October 8, 2014 - 11:49am
EmpowHER Guest

I am feeling and currently in you situation. I know my boyfriend loves me but phyically not in our relationship. I am so confused and hurt. He bought me flowers, takes me out but the sex Might be once a week....maybe less. Sex is rushed. We used to have a great sex life but the 8 months it has declined, i am depressed and feel unwanted, we have talked about it and after talking about it affection is better for a few days but this morning i said i missed sex he responded as jesus christ. What is going on? I want to overlook physical love. But i am not understanding this is our only argument . Is it normal to feel unmotivated and depressed?

October 1, 2014 - 6:40am
EmpowHER Guest

I've been with my boyfriend going in three years now and I watched our sex life disappear. I know he has a sex drive because he masturbatory to porn. When I try talking to him he tells me if I took him to a strip club or had a three some or now he tells me he prefers doing it himself. I try not to think about it but every night it hurts me more and more. I'm not fat or unattractive but I feel disgusting lately. I'm thinking of cheating because I just feel so sad all of the time. Other than the no sex everything is great. He gets so angry if I bring it up too. I dunt know how to handle this. I'm in a serious depression. I've lost 8 lbs in a well because I can't even eat.

September 24, 2014 - 4:31pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm so sorry you are being treated this way but you are also allowing it! 

Don't cheat on a boyfriend, it won't make any difference and I wonder if your boyfriend would even care?

Anon, you need a fresh start in your life - if he is not going to change then it's up to you to change.  

You have been completely rejected and you are hanging on hoping he will change - he won't. 

I know three years is a lot of time invested in a relationship that didn't work but it's a lot better than five years or ten years. 

Don't regret wasting all this time; move on now. You are not his doormat and you should never allow anyone to treat you badly. Your boyfriend is treating you like dirt because you allow him to. Show him you're your own boss! 



September 25, 2014 - 4:32am
EmpowHER Guest

Whyy is this happenin to us though?vto all the girls it sucks when you know your beautiful and the guy that is supposed to make you feel like a goddess doesnt, it's breaking me down.

September 23, 2014 - 1:39am
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