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My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

By December 17, 2009 - 8:02pm
 
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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Just think of the reasons why you don't want sex an yr questions are answered

October 12, 2017 - 7:54pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I don't ever post online but I had to because I know the pain and torture of being stuck in love with someone who all of sudden is withdrawn and neglects your sexual and emotional needs. I am pursuing a career in psychiatry so I knew I could get to the bottom of this issue and resolve the problem, it was very hard and exhausting because I couldnt become my boyfriends therapist, but through trial and error I found out how to fix the problem and I'm going to share how. Of course not all situations aren't the same so my solution may not work for all problems. In my case my boyfriend just stopped wanting sex so abruptly in the honeymoon phase of our relationship which was very unusual and alarming for me. I'm an extremely attractive person and know I'm very good in bed and my boyfriend is attractive and good in bed but he is also slightly insecure and doesn't like to have the lights on during sex. One day me and him were at the gym together like we always were and he gave me this look I'll never forget, like i was Iinsignificant with a hint of guilt. I instantly knew something was wrong especially since we had only been together for about a month. I knew in my gut that he was interested in other women but i didnt want to jump the gun and start accusing him of anything crazy so i just let it go but after that everything went south. He stopped wanting sex and he would reject me a lot. He always had the "my stomach hurts" excuse every night to try and establish that he wasn't having sex and whenever we did I had to force him. I ALWAYS do all the work (on top)and initiate it. I also thought it was odd that he never asked for nude pics and hed give me dirty looks if i ever mentioned anything that was sexual. I know he absolutely loves sex with me, theres no question about it and he has always told me I was the best and would even thank me. It got to the point where we'd only have sex about once a month and he was less affectionate and never wanted to take me out or do fun things with me which was a red flag. He spent alot of time on his phone and got sucked into games, his parents were really rich and he was very spoiled. He didn't work and would play xbox all day or go out with friend. It was all very strange because ive always known him as a very sweet guy and everybody who meets him falls in love with him, hes a real gentleman and very polite, ALWAYS opens the door for me and does really sweet things. He is just genuinely a kind soul and would never do anything to hurt a fly...but I was in for a rude awakening. One day I was looking at his phone and saw he had been "looking for girls who play playstation" on kik he also had a picture of some girls butt. I confronted him and he claimed that he did it because when he went through my phone he saw pics of me and other guys and did it out of spite (they were pics of me and my ex I forgot to delete and assured him that I didnt keep them on purpose) and i gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured he had way too much time on his hands and needed a job. I knew he was insecure about not having a Job and living at home which made me want to believe that maybe he was just so insecure that it was affecting his libido. I helped him get a job so he'd have more confidence but nothing really changed. I starred to wonder if maybe he has erectile dysfunction and hid it with pills (viagra or performance pills) or had performance fear/anxiety but I eventually ruled those 2 possibilities out and his testosterone levels were also normal. After i found a ton of different women's dirty underwear hiding in his closet i knew he wasnt lacking sexual experience either so that wasnt the problem either. I really started to feel ugly and insecure and I was extremely unhappy and frustrated because I couldn't talk to anyone about it and when I tried talking to him about it, it would turn into a fight and he was just claim that he doesn't like sex often and he's always been that way (I knew it had to be bullshit). One day I walked in him in the bathroom while he was mastubating which really upset me because Ive been sexually deprived and he was "too sick" for sex yet fine enought to beat off. Ive told him since day one that im very open to new things and would do anything to please him but hed never tell me what he liked or what he wanted i always guessed. i just didn't understand any of this and wondered if he had some fetish i couldn't satisfy. i had to know so i thought about checking his porn history to see what he likes and went through his phone ...I'm still in shock by all the things i found. Mostly the multiple email accounts and aliases for dating and social apps like kik snapchat tumblr twitter and much more.... he even asked for naked pictures of other women online and has never asked for nudes of me which was what set me off...i also found his extensive porno preferences which wasn't too crazy other than his obsession with cheating women. I was hurt and didn't know how to approach the problem so I didn't say anything and wanted to see if I tried applying the things he liked he'd open up to me sexually and he wouldnt seek other women out from all these dating apps and of course he loved it but STILL didn't initiate sex or change. I also know it wasnt my looks or my performance because i always stay on top of my looks and take very good care of my body and ive always had men absolutely crazy about me because of how great i am in bed so i was very baffled by my situation. I realized it could only mean one thing and it was the worst possibility and that he has an intimacy disorder where all of his sexual focus went to cybersex affairs and he was addicted to porn and completely left me out of the picture. I finally confronted him and he told me that ill never trust him so i told him I would never be able to start trusting him until I physically watched him log into all of his accounts and delete all of his apps so he did and STILL didn't seem interested in sex and at that point I was done. I told him i give up on him and I'm moving on. I started packing my things when he told me to give him a few days to show me that he would change. He had sex with me 3 times that day and has initiated everytime he actually notices and appreciates my body and gives me attention. Hopefully it never changes but I figured I should put this out here for all the women suffering with a similar problem. Don't be afraid to tackle this issue because if the situation was reversed just know theyd leave you or cheat on you in a heartbeat. Before you make the ultimatum make sure you rule out all possiblities first (insecurities, E.D, low testosterone, porn addiction, depression, cheating, etc.) and if all else fails LEAVE! Stand your ground and if they don't have it in them to just make love to you to keep you then youre not losing anything you're doing yourself a favor. Life's way too short to be wasting time, especially your sex life and sex is just as important as all other aspects in a relationship

March 18, 2017 - 4:08pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I have your exact problem. Except I DID make him delete all his other accounts like you did, but I either continuously find new ones (from being the best non -fbi cyber agent there is), or seeing his old accounts activated again. Now he's an Apple guy and I'm an Android user, so I can't break into his phone, and he refuses to give me his pw. He claims he's not talking to anyone or doing that shit again, and he even is more own about who he's texting and letting me see. I have no hard evidence, but a girl's got a gut. And my gut is screaming that I'm being made to look a fool!

May 13, 2017 - 12:55am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

This is TERRIBLE advice. You should have left that dude the first time you found that he had been browsing other dating sites and definitely not after you found that he had multiple accounts on dating sites, and nudes from several other women. Also the piles of dirty panties in his closet? That isn't normal or acceptable. As an aspiring phsyciatrist, you definitely should not be encouraging women to put up with such insulting and distressing behavior from their partners. And to the person who originally posted the question, I came on here to hopefully answer my own question so I'm not sure the best advice, but definitely don't assume your dude is doing all of that & if he is, leave him.

May 7, 2017 - 4:44am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Lol. I was thinking the exact same thing as I read that. Also wow with the over analyzing of that. He doesn't have a cyber problem he just wasn't into you. I know that's harsh but sometimes people just have to accept that and move on instead of trying to figure out what something means. It's very simple. If someone asked this guy why he wouldn't have sex with you he'd say I just wasn't into her anymore. It's nothing on you. You could be gorgeous, when someone loses the desire for you that's it. As the saying goes. Show me the prettiest girl in the room and I'll show you a guy who is tired of fucking her. When you take your ego out of things and stop taking it personally it's a lot easier to get out of these situations unscathed instead of wasting so much time analyzing why he is behaving that way.

May 8, 2017 - 4:01pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Wow...Are we dating the same guy? Lol...I'm experiencing the same issue with my boyfriend...

March 19, 2017 - 4:09am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My boyfriend and I have been together just over a year. We used to live in different cities but they were only about 60kms apart so we used to see each other between 2 and 4 times a week. We used to have sex at least 3/4 times we saw each other. We've moved in together now and things have gone severely downhill, at least sex wise. I know he loves me, I have no insecurities about that. But it seems he's not attracted to me anymore. Since we've met I've put on and lost weight and it never affected our physical relationship. We still talk and spend quality time together and he always tells me how much he loves me, and I know that should be enough but I'm feeling empty and detached. Sex has always been very important to me and now I just don't know if I'm validated in feeling this way or not. I've tried dressing up and hinting and outright trying but I'm terrified of rejection and every time I try to initiate sex it ends in disaster.

I love this man with all my heart but I don't know how much longer I can handle feeling so unwanted and asexual.

March 4, 2017 - 11:30am
(reply to Anonymous)

So i am a guy and having the same issues. Weve been together for years, and i know it's common for sexual activity to fall off a little, but this is ridiculous. We literally NEVER have sex. Maybe once or twice a year. Ive done everything she's asked. Worked on whatever problems she's said she has with our relationship, and in my opinion improved dramatically. She tells me how much she loves me every day but consistently denies me sex. I have no idea what to do and thought that maybe another woman could give me some insight. Im so close to just going out and getting what i need elsewhere, and i dont want to have to do that. Is it really cheating if the other person completely denies you day in and day out? Ive tried everything from ignoring it, to being playful, to being outright angry and nearly forcing it. Nothing works.

July 23, 2017 - 11:40am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My boyfriend and I are 8.5 years apart, we've been together for almost 2 years now and we just had a baby 6 months ago. He is a contractor, so a lot of the time his body hurts, but that has never stopped him from having sex with me. In the beginning, we couldn't get enough of each other, and we had awesome sex. But over time, we went from having sex like 3-4 times a week, to a couple times a week, to about once a week (if I'm lucky), once every couple weeks, and now it's been almost 2 months since we've really had sex and it's killing me. Every time I try to initiate it, he's too tired or his stomach hurts, or he has a headache, or he falls asleep before I get the chance to warm him up to it. Well, A couple weeks ago he got what I assume was a stomach bug and he threw up a couple times (this was when we'd gone about a month without sex), and ever since, every single day, he claims to not feel good or has a headache, and sometimes both. And I'm starting to feel like he just doesnt want to have sex with me anymore. I know he loves me, and he still shows affection to me by cuddling sometimes or he'll come kiss my forehead, but I need more. I'm doing my best to be patient, and some nights, like tonight, I'll kind of rub him over his shorts or boxers, and he'll start to get hard, and then he just rolls over! And I get so frustrated because I've been so deprived of that connection with him and he seems to have zero interest in sex, which I feel is just not normal for a man. Idk if it's a low sex drive or what, but he's seeing the doctor tomorrow about his stomach, so I guess he really hasn't been feeling well because he won't see a doctor unless he has to because he doesn't have health ins. So I'm praying the doctor can fix whatever is wrong so we can get back to to our normal sex life. Sorry this was such a long post.

Sincerely,
A very sexually frustrated, heartbroken woman

January 16, 2017 - 3:13am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I really hope this helps. Im going out of my way to share this with everyone because i solved it finally. I don't ever post online but I had to because I know the pain and torture of being stuck in love with someone who all of sudden is withdrawn and neglects your sexual and emotional needs. Our situations are very similar and i am afraid that even if he pops up with low testosterone and gets treated it could actually mask the real issue and make it worse. Sorry this is so long. I am pursuing a career in psychiatry so I knew I needed to get to the bottom of this issue and resolve the problem, it was very hard and exhausting because I couldnt become my boyfriends therapist, but through trial and error I found out how to fix the problem and I'm going to share how. Of course not all situations aren't the same so my solution may not work for all problems. In my case my boyfriend just stopped wanting sex so abruptly in the honeymoon phase of our relationship which was very unusual and alarming for me. I'm an extremely attractive person and know I'm very good in bed and my boyfriend is attractive and good in bed but he is also slightly insecure and doesn't like to have the lights on during sex. One day me and him were at the gym together like we always were and he gave me this look I'll never forget, like i was Iinsignificant with a hint of guilt. I instantly knew something was wrong especially since we had only been together for about a month. I knew in my gut that he was interested in other women but i didnt want to jump the gun and start accusing him of anything crazy so i just let it go but after that everything went south. He stopped wanting sex and he would reject me a lot. He always had the "my stomach hurts" excuse every night to try and establish that he wasn't having sex and whenever we did I had to force him. I ALWAYS do all the work (on top)and initiate it. I also thought it was odd that he never asked for nude pics and hed give me dirty looks if i ever mentioned anything that was sexual. I know he absolutely loves sex with me, theres no question about it and he has always told me I was the best and would even thank me. It got to the point where we'd only have sex about once a month and he was less affectionate and never wanted to take me out or do fun things with me which was a red flag. He spent alot of time on his phone and got sucked into games, his parents were really rich and he was very spoiled. He didn't work and would play xbox all day or go out with friend. It was all very strange because ive always known him as a very sweet guy and everybody who meets him falls in love with him, hes a real gentleman and very polite, ALWAYS opens the door for me and does really sweet things. He is just genuinely a kind soul and would never do anything to hurt a fly...but I was in for a rude awakening. One day I was looking at his phone and saw he had been "looking for girls who play playstation" on kik he also had a picture of some girls butt. I confronted him and he claimed that he did it because when he went through my phone he saw pics of me and other guys and did it out of spite (they were pics of me and my ex I forgot to delete and assured him that I didnt keep them on purpose) and i gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured he had way too much time on his hands and needed a job. I knew he was insecure about not having a Job and living at home which made me want to believe that maybe he was just so insecure that it was affecting his libido. I helped him get a job so he'd have more confidence but nothing really changed. I starred to wonder if maybe he has erectile dysfunction and hid it with pills (viagra or performance pills) or had performance fear/anxiety but I eventually ruled those 2 possibilities out and his testosterone levels were also normal. After i found a ton of different women's dirty underwear hiding in his closet i knew he wasnt lacking sexual experience either so that wasnt the problem. I really started to feel ugly and insecure and I was extremely unhappy and frustrated because I couldn't talk to anyone about it and when I tried talking to him about it, it would turn into a fight and he would just claim that he doesn't like sex often and he's always been that way (I knew it had to be bullshit). One day I walked in him in the bathroom while he was mastubating which really upset me because Ive been sexually deprived and he was "too sick" for sex yet fine enough to beat off. Ive told him since day one that im very open to new things and would do anything to please him but he'd never tell me what he liked or what he wanted i always guessed. i just didn't understand any of this and wondered if he had some fetish i couldn't satisfy. i had to know so i thought about checking his porn history to see what he likes and went through his phone ...I'm still in shock by all the things i found. Mostly the multiple email accounts and aliases for dating and social apps like kik snapchat tumblr twitter and much more.... he even asked for naked pictures of other women online and has never asked for nudes of me which was what set me off...i also found his extensive porno preferences which wasn't too crazy other than his obsession with cheating women. I was hurt and didn't know how to approach the problem so I didn't say anything and wanted to see if I tried applying the things he liked he'd open up to me sexually and he wouldnt seek other women out from all these dating apps and of course he loved it but STILL didn't initiate sex or change. I also know it wasnt my looks or my performance because i always stay on top of my looks and take very good care of my body and ive always had men absolutely crazy about me because of how great i am in bed so i was very baffled by my situation. I realized it could only mean one thing and it was the worst possibility and that he has an intimacy disorder where all of his sexual focus went to cybersex affairs and he was addicted to porn and completely left me out of the picture. I finally confronted him and he told me that ill never trust him so i told him I would never be able to start trusting him until I physically watched him log into all of his accounts and delete all of his apps so he did and STILL didn't seem interested in sex and at that point I was done. I told him i give up on him and I'm moving on. I started packing my things until he told me to give him a few days to show me that he would change. He had sex with me 3 times that day and has initiated everytime he actually notices and appreciates my body and gives me attention. Hopefully it never changes but I figured I should put this out here for all the women suffering with a similar problem. Don't be afraid to tackle this issue because if the situation was reversed just know they'd leave you or cheat on you in a heartbeat. Before you make the ultimatum make sure you rule out all possiblities first (insecurities, E.D, low testosterone, porn addiction, depression, cheating, etc.) and if all else fails LEAVE! Stand your ground and if they don't have it in them to just make love to you to keep you then youre not losing anything you're doing yourself a favor. Life's way too short to be wasting time, especially your sex life and sex is just as important as all other aspects in a relationship

March 18, 2017 - 4:29pm
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