ask: My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

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EmpowHER Guest

He may be suffering from depression. Low libido in men is usually influenced by mood and results in a low production of testosterone. Nothing seems attractive anymore with all the colour drained out of life.

I recommend seeing a relationship counsellor or something.

June 28, 2015 - 3:59am
EmpowHER Guest

Uh. A man here.. Sorry to tell you this ladies but the most reasonable reason that they would be doing this is because you did something to make them find you unattractive. Flat out. Women seem to think men are TOTALLY about appearance? No.. If the relationship is going south.. If you're controlling.. If you're apathetic.. If you don't truly care about his feelings (50% of American women don't..) then he's not going to have sex with you. Hope this helps.. Try to make him want you again.

June 17, 2015 - 8:18am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm having the same problem my boyfriend off nearly a year won't have sex with me even if I make the first move he just shoots me down! He comes up with Excuse that he tierd or he just ain't feeling it!
We use to have sex all the time and now I'm thinking it's me that he gone off me! He tells me he loves me but I really don't know whats gone wrong now

June 5, 2015 - 4:50pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

This is the exact same thing with my boyfriend. A girl has needs too.. He keeps shooting me down saying he's tired. It gets frustrating because you don't know if it's something you did and he won't tell you

July 3, 2015 - 12:48pm
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend could care less about sex and it is so frustrating. Like other women stated I am going through the same feelings about myself. I have beat myself up mentally. He must not be attracted to me anymore.
I have cried myself to sleep so many times I have lost count. I have to initiate sex, doing that is so degrading for me. It has gotten to the point that I have to tell him what to do, it's like he has never had sex before. We used to have hot sex in the beginning of our relationship. He hates his job so I know he is depressed about that. Yet he doesn't make any effort to change jobs. I haven't changed, I am fit, sexy and keep myself looking the best I can. I love him but I don't want to keep living like this. I feel like life is too short.

June 3, 2015 - 9:17am

Hello, I am also having a similar problem. My boyfriend (of a year and a half) and I have sex occasionally (once weekly on average, sometimes less) but I either have to ask or tell him that I want it for it to happen. I have brought up several times, at least four or five, that I feel unattractive when he will not come on to me but to no avail- he says he will try, but he doesn't try. I just wait, get nothing, then cry myself to sleep often now because no matter how much I put out signals, I can not get him to initiate. I am sick of asking and I can't keep telling him how upset I am because it gets me nowhere and makes me more upset when we argue. He says its just because he is afraid that he will be rejected, but I do not understand how he can feel this way when I clearly want to have sex with him and often. I don't know what else to do other than wait for him to want me enough to come onto me himself. Has anyone else ever had this problem?

May 19, 2015 - 6:06pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to medina)

I'm going through the same thing right now and it's tearing me apart. I barely feel like getting fixed up, let alone get dressed. He tells me I'm pretty n sexy, but I don't even believe it any more. We maybe have sex once a month n it's after I beg for it. I'm done begging :(. He's made every excuse not to do it. I just don't understand .

May 30, 2015 - 11:15pm

I understand how this whole thing is making you feel. I'm experiencing the same thing too. My boyfriend is 22 and I'm 24, we've been together for about 2 years now and it's been 3 months since we had sex and it's depressing. Initially the sex was amazing and frequent, like 3-5 times a week and over the months it decreased to once a week and then once a forth night and then once in 2 months and now it has been 3 months. We didn't start off long distance but its been long distant the past one year since I'm furthering my studies. Initially we did try phone sex but not so often. Now even when I try and initiate phone sex, he turns me down claiming to be tired etc. when I go back, the most we do is make out, and that's it. After roughly about 3 months, I got a fingering session for my birthday. That's it. I'm a very sexual person and I need constant sex and physical connection it he doesn't want to understand this. I've asked him if he doesn't find me appealing anymore or if he is no longer attracted to me, his answer was always no and that I'm just overthinking and that he's tired. I've even confronted him on whether or not he's getting it elsewhere, and the answer is still no ( I've done my spying work and I think there's no cheating involve or at least I hope so :/ ). I don't know what else to do, I'm even starting to believe maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm getting unattractive.

May 11, 2015 - 5:57am
EmpowHER Guest

Hey, I am a new mom of a beautiful 4 month old baby girl. Me and my boyfriend have been together 4 years now. We haven't had sex in exactly one year. My daughter was conceived last April and all sexual activity stop. He said he was afraid of hurting the baby. I assured him I wouldn't hurt her but I respected his feelings. Since my daughter's birth we still haven't had sex. He said he was worried about getting me pregnant. Well I am on the pill and I told him we don't have anything to worry about. I have tired talking to him about this and even making the first move. I don't know what else to do. Help!

April 29, 2015 - 9:41am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post. 

Some men get "weirded out" by pregnancy, so to speak.  They simply don't like it. 

I'm not sure what's going on with him now but if he says he's afraid of making you pregnant, then that must be the case, as I am assuming him to be an honest person. 

Now that you are on the Pill, perhaps assure him again that you won't get pregnant. 

Since you haven't had sex in 12 months, you are co-parenting but not in a sexual relationship anymore. Make the best of it as well as you can. 



April 29, 2015 - 3:44pm
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