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My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

By December 17, 2009 - 8:02pm
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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

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EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend and I are 8.5 years apart, we've been together for almost 2 years now and we just had a baby 6 months ago. He is a contractor, so a lot of the time his body hurts, but that has never stopped him from having sex with me. In the beginning, we couldn't get enough of each other, and we had awesome sex. But over time, we went from having sex like 3-4 times a week, to a couple times a week, to about once a week (if I'm lucky), once every couple weeks, and now it's been almost 2 months since we've really had sex and it's killing me. Every time I try to initiate it, he's too tired or his stomach hurts, or he has a headache, or he falls asleep before I get the chance to warm him up to it. Well, A couple weeks ago he got what I assume was a stomach bug and he threw up a couple times (this was when we'd gone about a month without sex), and ever since, every single day, he claims to not feel good or has a headache, and sometimes both. And I'm starting to feel like he just doesnt want to have sex with me anymore. I know he loves me, and he still shows affection to me by cuddling sometimes or he'll come kiss my forehead, but I need more. I'm doing my best to be patient, and some nights, like tonight, I'll kind of rub him over his shorts or boxers, and he'll start to get hard, and then he just rolls over! And I get so frustrated because I've been so deprived of that connection with him and he seems to have zero interest in sex, which I feel is just not normal for a man. Idk if it's a low sex drive or what, but he's seeing the doctor tomorrow about his stomach, so I guess he really hasn't been feeling well because he won't see a doctor unless he has to because he doesn't have health ins. So I'm praying the doctor can fix whatever is wrong so we can get back to to our normal sex life. Sorry this was such a long post.

A very sexually frustrated, heartbroken woman

January 16, 2017 - 3:13am
EmpowHER Guest

Hello Everyone,
I also face the same problem with my boyfriend. We've been dating for almost 3 years and for a while we've been having sex every 10 days - once a week if I'm lucky. We always argue about this. It enrages me that he used to say it was because he's old (he's 26 years older than me) until I found him watching porn and naked pictures of other woman. I know he masturbates and doesn't have the balls to own up to it. He gets offended when I call him out on it. When we started dating I weighed 130 ish lbs but as our relationship progressed so did our weight. I gained weight up to 165 lbs. I exercise on and off and have manage to go down to 150 lbs. I'm working to loose the weight but he doesn't seem to care unless there are actual results. He said he doesn't care what I do as long as I'm happy but if I expect him to be interested I need to loose weight; otherwise, I can continue eating just don't expect him to be interested. I understand what he's saying; after all, society demands women to look a certain way. I just wished he said that when we first started dating because it would have been easier to keep in eye on my weight and lose more. I don't know if I should but I love him. I want to make our relationship work. He is a great guy but he's just not interested in me. I don't know if I should let him touch me when he does because then I crave his touch more. He makes me happy in so many ways but in this part of our life, I'm crushed by his rejection. I mean he's twice my age, if he's not interested in me then what guy my age would be. I hate how much this gets to me. I feel ugly and grotesque. Sometimes when we do it he closes his eyes and I wonder if he's thinking of someone else. I wish I didn't care or wasn't interested in pleasing him in the bedroom. I mean i was expecting our relationship to hit a slump - they always do- it just feels to early for ours and I'm not sure if after I lose the weight he'll be interested or if he is just pulling my leg. I wouldn't mind him watching porn or masturbating if he satisfied me, but he doesn't seem to care to. I don't want to feel pain but i also have needs to be met. If i wanted to masturbate I would just be single. He wants me in his life but he doesn't want me physically and that doesn't make sense to me. What kind of love is that? He doesn't like the idea of me being with someone else to fulfill my needs. I've asked if he would like an open relationship - I mean he already thinks of having sex with other woman, touching them wouldn't face me at this point at least then I wouldn't be so sexually frustrated and i'd stop hounding him. If two people are interested in having a relationship shouldn't they both work to fix the problem? What should I do? Is this normal? Am I wasting my time? Is it worth the effort? I just want to be appreciated by him. I wouldn't focus so much on it if I didn't feel I was missing out on it or wanted it. I wish I didn't love him so much.

A Broken hearted woman pining for attention.

December 23, 2016 - 5:34pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon

Thanks for your post.

Please don't be so hard on yourself about your weight. Sounds like you're doing all you can to stay healthy. Your health should have nothing to do with getting or keeping a boyfriend so try not to tie the two together, they have no connection.

It sounds like your boyfriend is not interested in you sexually, as you said. You need to walk away from him and stop beating yourself up about your weight (which isn't actually so heavy, even if you're short) and get fit and healthy for you. It sound like your self-esteem is low and being in this relationship isn't helping. You don't need a man's sexual interest to be valuable in life, Anon.


December 26, 2016 - 8:15am
EmpowHER Guest

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and half.... I do everything to initiate sex but it doesn't work... we almost broke up a month ago for more than one reason but he told me they we were not having sex enough which I agreed. He said "I'm a man I like to have sex all the time I'll never say no" well it seems like still we are having sex once a month and granted our work schedules are totally different so it's hard to be home at the same time but when we are like tonight it should give him and me more reason to have sex... literally today he bought me this sexy pair of underwear.. I put them on tonight pretty much rubbing my ass in his face and he diddnt even care really, than we lay in bed and I asked him if he was to tired to finish what we started and we talked about being intimate tonight we both wanted it..he said "yeah let's finish but after I find a jacket online" I literally felt unwanted like a jacket over me really?? Than 30min later he doesn't find a jacket and he rolls over and goes to sleep and tells me I'm ruining the mood.. I don't even know what to say to that... any suggestions as to why he would be acting this way?

December 6, 2016 - 11:54pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have the same issue. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and recently he's just not been into sex. Whenever I bring it up he almost acts as if it's a chore to have sex with me. I can't help but think it's just me that he doesn't want to have sex with because I've found recently he said been watching porn when I'm not there and he's drunk which I feel isn't fair that he'd rather watch his tablet than have sex with his girlfriend. I truly just believe it's me and he doesn't find me as attractive and sexy as he did when we first started seeing each other.

December 6, 2016 - 7:14pm
EmpowHER Guest

It makes me feel so sad to know there are other people experiencing the same things I am. It is comforting to know I am not the only one. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now. In the past 3 months we have had sex once and he couldn't keep it up. He is an amazing person that I love deeply and he would do anything for me - beside this one thing I really want. I have a high sex drive and he claims not to but he used to as well. In the first 6 months of our relationship we had sex multiple times a day. We moved into his parents house together for a short time as we were both uni students and I was mostly back in my hometown for my summer job. He broke his leg quite severly so I moved in full time to take care of him. We had more sex when his leg was in a cast. Ever since he has been in pain which I understand and am accommodating to. He left a very stressful job 4 months ago. Prior to this I wrote him a very heartfelt and honest letter describing how our lack of intimacy makes me feel and the fact he only ever wanted sex when he was drunk made me feel disgusting. After he quit I thought our sex life was back on track as it was happening very regularly again but that stopped after about a month. Every time I bring up the issue he makes me feel like I'm selfish for wanting to have sex with him. He has put on a lot of weight as exercising causes him pain, however, he still eats shit so he is not doing a lot to help himself. He said he doesn't like himself and doesn't want to share that which is why he won't have sex with me. He makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit for wanting to connect with him intimately. I cry so much all the time. This is an issue we have had for years - or at least I have had for years. I constantly talk to him about it but he always makes me feel like I'm a bad person and selfish. I feel disgusting and unwanted. I have thought about breaking up but i love him and he is perfect in every other way. I know he loves me but I just don't know want to do because as happy as he makes me I am also just as miserable. Last night he began to play with my nipples and nibble on my ear which made me feel so horny then when I was trying to become involved he stopped and went to sleep. I was so upset and frustrated I went and slept in the spare bed. It's 8:30 and he's not awake/hasn't realised where I slept last night. I just don't know what to do I am so unhappy all the time and I'm beginning to hate myself.
I know some people posted a while ago - I'm wondering what you decided to do? Did you find anything that helped?

December 2, 2016 - 2:31pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I have had a similar problem. Before we met, my boyfriend was in a terrible car accident that has left his hip and leg very hurt. Despite this, he has been able to have a job at the hospital and we were having great sex, albeit a few times per month. After our 4 year anniversary and getting our own place earlier this year he has stopped having sex with me due to the pain in his hip. We've only had sex 3 times since we moved this past February and I dont know what to do either. We had several discussions about how to improve our sex life but to no avail, nothing has changed. I bought a sort of harness for sex that will make hip movements easier. Our hope is that it will help but it's still in its package unopened

December 15, 2016 - 12:11am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I don't really have any solutions for you but if you need to talk please let me know. I have a very similar situation going on and I'm feeling broken from it as well. Idk how we would chat since I simply googled my problem and clicked the first link but I would love to have someone who could relate to me to talk to.
Let me know!
Hope it gets better!

December 2, 2016 - 5:03pm
EmpowHER Guest

Iv been with my boyfriend for a year and a half... i fell crazy in love with him...id never felt anything like it..our sex life was amazing...but very early on he started to cheat... some he slept with...some were to rub his ego... it cut me deeply an im still damaged to this day... i take him back everytime which i think has lost me respect...not only from him but my friends and family..iv lost frienships because of him... the sex between us got less and less... he would tell me that it wasnt me...it was him...he had no sex drive.... but he had a sex drive for other women as he cheated again... i got so wrapped up in him... lost my self worth an confidence...it got so bad that at one point i tried to take my own life as i felt so worthless...id hut rock bottom... after i recovered i cut ties..i never wanted to see him again...i started to get my confidence back..felt great within myself an started to realise hes the problem and not me..he must of felt i was better without him and moving on because as per usual he managed to creep his way back into my life.... he only sleeps with me when i leave him and on one of those rare occasions he got me pregnant.. a week after findin out he was a father he cheated on me again...now im 5 months pregnant an wev not had sex in 4 months.... wer together but its awkward... i resent in for comin back into my life with no intention of backin up his promises...sometimes its just over... i cry myself to sleep every nite as he wont touch me...but he expects me to accept his explanation that its not me.. im out of patience with him...done listening to his excuses... im up at stupid hours on google tryin to read up on y he wont sleep with me an they all say the same thing...to sympathise....how can u sympathise with someone who wont give u the time of day to talk about it... all i feel is anger toward him for all the betrayel....and as i said i resent him.... i wish i had it in me to cheat on him so he would finaly address the problem...like shock therapy and yes out of spite as i want him to feel hurt like hes made me feel but deep down i dont think hed even care... i keep tellin him if there is someone else then just f##k off an be with them because im at a point i dont care enough anymore to try as i dont feel hes earned it... i dont think he deservs my love anymore.. yes he suffers from depression but does NOTHING about it and now i suffer from depression... im so lost and rejected... sometimes its best to just walk away

November 2, 2016 - 7:08pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Hey. I'm currently dealing and thinking the same thing. My guy said the same thing that yours did. How did you find out your guy was cheating? Was he with you every night and still was able to do it?

December 3, 2016 - 12:22pm
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