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ask: My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

By serah28
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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

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EmpowHER Guest

I've been with my boyfriend for a few months now, for the first two or three we were having sex 4 times a day & now it's more like once a week & when we do do it, he seems so uninterested. He's very honest & he did tell me that he's starting too get bored with it or he doesn't want too do it but I don't know what too do. I want him too want me as badly as I want him but I don't know how too make him want me.. It's so frustrating! Anyone know what I can do? Or should do?

March 23, 2015 - 2:42am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Based on what you boyfriend said, he seems to have checked out of the relationship already. He may not be ready for a committed relationship and this one has come to an end. You can't make him feel a certain way if he doesn't. 

Ask him if the relationship has run it's course and if it has, he needs to be honest and end things. 



March 23, 2015 - 4:36am
EmpowHER Guest

Before me and my boyfriend got together we talked all the time and he said he classed me as his gf, but then I found out he had sex with some girl on a pier (yes...) and kissed someone. We weren't officially together so I forgave him and ended up being with him for 4 years.

The sex was amazing within the first 5 months, then he started saying he was 'too tired' a lot and would find me more 'cute' than 'sexy' - I could be wearing stockings, suspenders, heels, it doesn't matter - he still say wouldn't be up for it. I used to get really upset about it but he'd be there for me and said uni work/work just made him tired.

I asked if he'd go the doctors cause it was really getting to me but he kept making excuses.

He basically really does love me emotionally (always wants to cuddle and talk) but mainly cares about himself and his career and his financial worth. I feel like I'm a 'trophy wife' to him - he's just comfortable having a girlfriend to look like he 'has it all'...

I got sick of this and broke up with him 3 weeks ago... but it's so hard to detach myself away from him :( I feel scared because I think guys who are interested in sex only want sex or would cheat etc! I think if I have a boyfriend who's had a history of sleeping around yet won't even sleep with me, I must be doomed -.-

It feels like there's not much help with this! Like, we always hear 'the girlfriend doesn't like sex/put out' in the media but when do we ever hear that the boyfriend doesn't?! It's so frustrating ;(

March 22, 2015 - 7:34pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm currently going through the same problem with my boyfriend. I've been with him two years and the sex was Amazing and now the last couple of months it's been hit and miss and his excuse is uni work, tired ect. I've explained to him how worthless it makes me feel so then we will go through a good stage again (to keep me happy obviously) and then we will go through a no sex stage again. It messes with my head and feelings. It makes me feel like im the one in the wrong for wanting it. I know he loves me, but now I feel like he's just too settled with me and just wants me for security. Our relationship revolves around his life.

I'm in two minds to leave him, because i love him and I can't stand the thought of being without him. But I also can't stand the way he makes me feel when he doesn't want me.

Totally agree with you about the media. It's never heard of men not wanting it but since reading this thread it obviously happens alot.
Hope you feel better soon.

March 23, 2015 - 3:39pm
sunshine90 (reply to Anonymous)

Yes i am going threw the same thing. We been togather for years and the sex has always been great. He would want to ALL the time. All times of the day! And Now i cant get him too. I feel so unwanted. Most the time i cry myself to sleep. I hate feeling this way. He is so distant and it doesnt even feel like were togather. Its so sad. All i want is for my man to want me. Everynight he goes to sleep and won't even try to have sex. If i wear something sexy trying to get his attention he ignores it. He will continue to play his games or will just go to sleep. I love him but if things dont change im leaving. I can't continue to feel like this. I try to tell him how i feel but it's like he dont get it. And recently i found out when i was visting my family he was cheating on me. Claims he isnt now but then why is he acting this way?

March 24, 2015 - 3:14pm
EmpowHER Guest

Same boat...we haven't done it in over a month and if i try he's too tired. ..when i met him he was somewhat of a sex fiend and now i can't even force him to...on the rare occasions we do its like hes doing it to just get it over with and its just so lacking and sad...i dont want to end a relationship with someone i love but we are so young and so new in this and for the last half of our relationship it's been this way and continually getting worse. If i bring it up he makes me feel like its my problem and that he is totally content with the way things are...and that if i stopped nagging him about it he'd feel like doing it...even though i only bring it up once I've tried multiple times or its been like a month...its so depressing i have no idea what to do

March 19, 2015 - 3:36pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm sorry things aren't working out but honestly - if this relationship is less than a year old and you're having to chase him down for sex and "nag" him then I think it might be time to move on.  Don't waste your time with a man who won't communicate with you and make you feel bad; it might hurt like hell for a few weeks but a relationship isn't supposed to be hard work. He should be bringing flowers, telling and showing you he cares - not acting this way. If he is not interested in change, move on - you will only anger yourself later if you don't. 


March 19, 2015 - 4:12pm
EmpowHER Guest

My husband-to-be is very much in control of when we can have sex, we will go weeks on end not having sex because whenever he comes home at the end of the day(about 7:30pm) and says he's 'tired', but then he will spend until 11pm watching TV and on facebook and I just feel that his priorities are else where. If I try to snuggle up to him on the sofa, he will move away and say that he's busy, but he's actually on facebook. I try confronting him about it, asking if its me, or if he thinks our sex life is boring or if he just doesn't find me attractive in that way anymore, but he just gets really offended and goes off on one saying we will have sex when I stop talking about 'our boring sex issue', which I have only tried to talk about a few times.
I don't want to marry into a sexless marriage and I would love to have kids in the next few years, but if it keeps up like this, I don't think it will probably happen. I can't even play him at his own game as it feels like he would prefer it and he always jokes about how I don't put out and stuff and it really upsets me and he doesn't get it. Him making love to me reassures me that he loves me, but because he doesn't take any notice of me, and trust me, I have tried coming at this with every angle, I just get blanked.
I spend most of my day crying because I don't know what to do with myself anymore and if he actually loves me or is still with me as a source of convenience.

March 15, 2015 - 5:37am
EmpowHER Guest

A friend of mine once said "Show me a boyfriend who won't and I'll show you a neighbor who will" I laughed despite being in this same situation. My s.o. and I had more issues than just sex though. I remained the same appearance wise since he met me but he began calling me fat and disgusting every time we'd have an argument. My self esteem was crap.
This is what ALL men need to realize. We as women can get dick within an hour of being away from you technically speaking. The woman chooses who she will or will not fuck. Men on the other hand have a much harder time getting women to have sex with them. My point is that by rejecting your woman and/or neglecting her needs you are giving her permission to cheat. If it doesn't bother you if she cheats then you can disregard the above but I'm betting that more times than not men expect their women to sit and wait until THEY feel like having sex on their terms.
So in my opinion any man who does this is either
-not caring if she cheats
-purposely pushing her away because he is too scared to break up with her.....he'd rather it be on her.
-is in it for the money,the place to live,the cooking,the Internet access for his gaming and online porn addictions, etc
-he loves you but after watching all that porn all he does is compare you to the girls in porn and physically you don't cut it (very few women do but he is too immature/inexperienced to realize that) Either way again too scared to be real and content utilizing you as a master baton tool when his hand gets old or his fleshlight wears out

Basically if there's a valid issue such as medical or health issues your man would openly voice his concern and be proactively seeing a doctor in order to avoid losing his woman period.
Hey I'm not judging on the fact that they prefer porn I'm judging based on the fact that they don't have the balls to be straight up and own their shit. Doing this to your s.o. is a former of mental and emotional abuse. Now if you both started out w sex 2 times a month then the above does not apply but if you suddenly switch up frequency plus rejecting advances you need to be straight up and explain why and whether or not you're willing to change it. Anything less than that then you pretty much deserve to be fucked over and should be grateful if all the other person does is leave you.
And ladies if your guy is pulling this shit on you please don't EVER take it as you are to blame because as you can clearly see online it doesn't matter what you look like....guts do this to pretty girls,hot girls,gorgeous girls etc....
I am writing this as I sit next to the man I'm going to kick out of my house come tomorrow because I have just figured all this out for myself...... I've been being tortured for over 6 months over this stupidity.....not anymore.

February 28, 2015 - 7:03pm
EmpowHER Guest

Right now im laying in bed next bf soon to be.hubby in my sexy pantys and.he.rather play ps4(that i got him). We, i love lol honestly but now its starting to be.twice a month. I hate twice a month, i.told him im really upset about this and he.says well.should.make a.move but ever.time i do he.says.stop or.his.tired or.spmething so i have given so.i.wait and.wait. blahh it sucks

February 27, 2015 - 11:22pm
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