ask: My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

By serah28 December 17, 2009 - 8:02pm
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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

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EmpowHER Guest

I'm having the same issue and I really don't know what to do.

I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 33, we have been together around a year and moved in together a couple of months ago.

At the start our sex life was really good he was really appreciative and would tell me how good things were etc. over the course of the year I have put on a little bit of weight and he sometimes make light fun of it. I find this to be upsetting because I don't hate my body or feel as if I am unattractive. Yes I could be more in shape but would rather do that for myself than because I feel i have to. My boyfriend is by no means in good shape and I find it hypocritical that he criticises my weight, I would never make hurtful comments to some one about their body image but have found myself recently making snide comments to him in retaliation which upsets me because I'm not that kind of person.

My boyfriend works offshore and is 2 weeks on 2 weeks off so when he comes home I really want to have sex beause I love him and have missed the intimacy.
He is always making excuses why we can't have sexeven when he has an erection although will happily accept blow jobs.
I'm so upset to then pint where i spend most nights in tears I have communicated to him how rejected I feel but nothing seems to change.
I don't know what to do.

November 23, 2015 - 3:31pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post and I'm sorry you're going through this.

First - stop performing oral sex on a man who doesn't have sex with you and criticizes you - you're not a blow up doll or a prostitute.

You do need to clear things up with him. Does he want to continue this relationship or not? If so, he needs to work on his attitude with you and stop using you for sex.
Good luck, I know it isn't easy.


November 23, 2015 - 4:21pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am going to be honest and tell all of the 20 somethings in these so called "long" relationships of 2yrs or less, your 20 something guy walks around with a hard on constantly....he's cheating on you. Young men, & women are very confused, there's so many things out there grabbing their attention, porn? In front of you? Not pleasing you? A good man who loves you WANTS to make you feel good, he wants to get you off before he does, he cringes & sweats to hold back to give you your orgasm. THAT IS what a man who loves you wants for you. Also, two years, is not a long relationship, leave that situation where you are not #1 before it does become a long relationship. The sad truth is it will not get better, think about it, how will it? Will you join in the porn watching if you don't want too? Maybe even let him record you? You are fulfilling HIS fantasy? What about yours?
If you want to share your man to make him happy, that's completely up to you & women do do it, I've only known one young woman who allowed it with a friend of mine, her HUSBAND, surprise, they are now divorced.
Different strokes for different folks. This is true, no one can judge you, but don't do anything you are uncomfortable with to please your man, ask yourself when the last time he pleased YOU was. He should WANT too.
I'm going to guess that more than half the men you ladies are talking about are cheating, and the cold hard truth, they're just not that into you. You deserve better. Leave that dude jacking off to porn who doesn't want to touch you. Leave him.
Long life isn't About sex, it's marrying your best friend, so your life long partner only made love to you for a year or two? No way. I'm on 13 years with my boyfriend, common law marriage, (our choice on marriage for another topic haha) the sex is still new & exciting, we do it wherever we can for fun. No porn stars are in this relationship (he watches, of course, he's s man, but never on MY time) when he is with me, it's about me, and I get my orgasm first (if possible :-) )
SO, I'm saying if this is not working for you now, 1-2yrs in......get out, it won't get better, you are not his queen (as you should be) and he is just not that into you or he is cheating. Especially young men. They seriously walk around with hard on's!!! No excuse!

November 9, 2015 - 11:04pm
EmpowHER Guest

Ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years... sex was perfect at first but then stopped suddenly. We went almost 2 months without it until finally I put my foot down. He went to Germany and came home and we havent had sex in about 3 weeks. He is always tired, which im used to but it doesn't hurt any less. Porn is his best friend but I yell at him all the time. Doesn't help. Anyway, moral of the story is guys and girls can tell when you are insecure about your relationship. So saying you feel like he/she no longer finds you attractive is an insecurity. Be confident and go for it. I know you want to wait for them to make a move but you need to be brave and go all in. It does go a long way. Be bold ladies. Be beautiful and be confident in your relationship. Give your man his space and he will love you more. And as for the porn... im in the same boat. But I learned if you either watch it with them, or look and see what turns them on then you can do whatever he likes. Hope this helps.

November 3, 2015 - 9:14pm
EmpowHER Guest

Wow it's so crazy how many people are going through this. I been with my fiancé for 6 years and we live together. We don't have sex but once a month. And I don't try to or he doesn't either. I don't know what's wrong because everything else is perfect. But we are just not having sex as we once were and when we do it's like it's over due

October 29, 2015 - 8:44pm
EmpowHER Guest

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. He's 22 and I'm 19 and in the last 8 months, our sex life has drastically gone downhill. We used to be at it like rabbits for want of a better expression, and now, I'm lucky if I get any action in 2 months. I've found that he's been watching porn and I guess I'm alright with that to a degree but I think 'instead of doing that, why don't you show some interest in me for a change?'. I love him more than anything, he's my world but it hurts to think that he may not find me attractive anymore. I have confronted him about it in the past but he just responds with 'I don't really think about it'. If our sex life is like this now, what is it going to be like 3 years down the line or when I want children? I have put on a little bit of weight earlier this year due to a medical condition and was put on steroids for quite a number of months, and find it incredibly hard to shift the weight, no matter what I do, but since then (this was in march) he hasn't complimented me once, not even a 'you look nice' when I make an effort. I have never felt so unattractive in my life and it's really damaging my self esteem. I can't even be around him now without make up on whereas before, I could quite easily. I just don't really know what to do now.

October 15, 2015 - 3:39pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon!

Thanks for your post!

Why are you ok with your boyfriend enjoying porn? I don't understand that. He has not touched you for months. I am astounded at how many young women will allow themselves to be treated like second class citizens because "he's my everything" or "I love him so much".

He isn't your everything, you're talking like a Hallmark card. You have a man masturbating to porn and he is showing no sexual interest in you at all.

Tell him to get his act together or leave. This is sub-standard treatment. You may love him but he's not showing love to you romantically. You may as well be room-mates.

Take charge of your own life, Anon! Stop waiting to see if he throws you a crumb now and again, that's so humiliating. Tell him the changes you want to see in your relationship and see what he says. If he's fine with porn and won't change then it's time to move on.

A year and a half together is not really a long time. Get out now if things aren't working out. You deserve a happy life!

October 15, 2015 - 3:45pm
EmpowHER Guest

I haven't been together with my boyfriend for very long, but we used to have sex fairly often and now it's been almost a month. I play with him and he gets hard, but then he just goes to bed or doesn't want me to finish what I started. He masturbates every morning when we could just have sex. He doesn't play with me anymore and it's honestly to the point that I feel he is no longer attracted to me sexually and it is frustrating me so so much and I just don't know what to do anymore. Anyone have a suggestions for me?

October 15, 2015 - 2:52am

It's sad but great that other women are having the same problem I am. I finally don't feel a lone. Me and my bf have been together almost a yr at first we had sex everyday and it was amazing. then it decreased to now maybe once a wk but every time we have sex now I can tell he doesn't want it and I feel like I'm forcing him. I ask him what's wrong and he says he doesn't know. I feel terrible like he's not attractive to me any more or doesn't want me it's the worst feeling ever. Top that off we are trying to get pregnant and I'm already having trouble with that and us never having sex doesn't help. I asked him if I'm pressuring him and he said he felt a little pressured when we were first started trying to get pregnant but not any more so idk what's wrong he's perfect and we have the greatest relationship besides this one thing . I am so up set I can barely sleep at night bcuz I'm so worried.

October 13, 2015 - 4:56am
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and we use to have sex multiple times a week for almost the whole time we've been together. But within the last probably 5-6 months, I have to bring it up or initiate it and it feels like he only does it because he thinks he has to. He said when I ask i make him feel pressured and he told me to just let it happen. I've stopped bringing it up for like the past 2 months but nothing happens. He masturbates frequently, even on days we were together and could've had sex. It doesn't bother me that he masturbates, i just don't like how it seems like he'd rather watch a video and use his hand then to have sex with me. He doesn't even get into it anymore. He doesn't try to please me as much or anything, I play with him, I get a little but then he goes straight for it and that's it. Does he not get attracted by me anymore? I try to be romantic and sexy, kiss his neck, try to play with him to turn him on but it's always "I don't feel like it right now, I'm not in the mood, I'm tired" it hurts when it's turned down all the time and then like he doesn't even enjoy it

October 11, 2015 - 7:03pm
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