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ask: My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

By serah28
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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

Add a Comment42 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

I am so pissed off!!!!! My boyfriend will not have sex with me either! Its been almost 3 months now! Last month he was not feeling good so i understood why he was not up to it but now its like WTF. He was probably so relieved he got sick just so we could not have sex. Regardless I am so confused and angry, I miss having a man who wants me. It makes me think about other men and how I would be treated in another mans arms. Of course i don't want to think about that but masturbating just isn't doing it for me anymore. I feel so insecure now, I keep thinking he may want someone else or is cheating on me. Tonight laying in bed with him i got so angry... He knows how much this bothers me but does not want me so bad that he wouldn't even do it for me. I feel like crap. I am officially done asking and if he tries to have sex i am not doing it. Hes so annoying so right now i am just trying to stay calm before i say something rude.

September 19, 2014 - 10:04pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I know how you feel. I'm so upset and hurt right now. We just had a baby a couple of months ago. It's really hard finding time to ourselves and have sex. And when we do it seems like we have to role play in order for him to get turned on. He knows I've been feeling insecure and tells me that he is attracted to me still. I asked him a couple of days ago if he has looked up porn since we haven't had sex and he said no, I don't need that. Well I just looked at his history on his phone and seen that he looked at some while at work today and yesterday! !And he looked up a specific type of girl! I got so angry and woke him up. He said I don't remember when I did I'm sorry. He just doesn't get it. Then he tries asking me what's my problem, and why the he'll am I looking at his history. Trying to turn things around and make me look like the bad guy.ugh! Don't know what to do.

September 21, 2014 - 10:13pm
EmpowHER Guest

My bf and I have been together over 2 1/2 years. We just moved in together and we don't have sex regularly. It's been two months of us living together and we probably have had sex 4 times? Today I didn't work so I spent they day cleaning the place and even started making his favorite dinner. He calls me up saying he'll be late because he has a flat tire ( which is all true and he recieved a rental car) so to try and lighten his frustrations I sent him a few x rated photos to show him what will be waiting for him when he comes home.
Nope nothing happend. We had dinner and he immediately puts his headphones in and records his music. So I clean up and watch some tv. I put on a little sexy outfit and kept my robe over it (which I don't wear often so it should have been a red flag) but still nothing. He gets done with his music and says he's tired and heads to bed. I join and he says good night and passes out.
I feel as if I'm not turning him on or satisfying him. I know he jacks off when I work late nights at work.. But yet when I'm home I get nothing but a kiss. If I ever even ask to make out (which I shouldn't even have to ask) he just tells me I'm weird or will just say no. There is no passion in our relationship. When we do have sex , I'm the one who does everything while he lays there and takes it. I don't mind, but he needs to take control.
Maybe tomorrow when he wakes up for work, he'll see what I was wearing to bed for him and realize I wanted to be intimate. But for now all I can do is shake my head. I shouldn't have to make an appointment to have sex with him. I thought if we lived in our own place we would have sex more often. Guess I was wrong.

September 5, 2014 - 9:31pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

It sounds like your boyfriend has a cook, a cleaner and someone to have sex with when he feels like it. 

I think you can see yourself that this isn't a real relationship in the true sense of the word. 

Stop passing hints by wearing sexy clothes and sending x-rated photos over the phone. He's not interested. 

Talk to him about what's going on. Tell him you love and care for him and want you both to be happy. But tell him that you too, have needs and that you feel very left out of his life and feel more like a room-mate. 

Ask him how he's feeling, what he's thinking and why you are not more "together" as a couple. 

If he wants this to work, he'll work with you on making this relationship better. Any relationship can be helped if both want it enough. But if he continues along this path, you may want to reconsider your place in his life. It'll hurt like heck but you deserve more. 



September 9, 2014 - 5:54am
EmpowHER Guest

Just about every thing every one said is happening to me, just a little twist goes with mine. My husband dreams of having sex, moaning and humping the bed makes me furious! I dont get ot im thinking he is picturing and wanting some one prettier and a bit smaller and sexier than me. I have to ask to please him and he gets mad saying he dont know what hes doing in his sleep. If your ddreaming of sex and you have your wife next to you dont you just wake up and get the real thing instead of dreaming it? Whos to say that's me hes dreaming about? If you seen all his slutty looking friends on Facebook and searches for chubby chicks or big booty chicks or thick chicks. Why look when you got all that next to you plus a personal porn star in the bedroom. I just dont get it.

September 1, 2014 - 1:48am
EmpowHER Guest

Hello ladies hope you are all in much better situations from where you were when posting here.

I am really at the end of my tether. My fiancé is 26 and I am 22. We just had a baby six months ago who we both adore. Our (nonexistent) sex life hasnt changed - as in, it's been around once every six weeks from year one and we've now been living together for coming up three years.

He is so sweet in so many ways, but I can't deal with how this rejection makes me feel anymore. I don't want to break up my family, but I have expressed this to him so many times that I feel he just can't care enough about me as nothing has changed. Here's the thing as well - he says he has a very low sex drive and I could accept that - but there is a very low sex drive and then there is once every six weeks... Also, he somehow manages to find the libido to watch porn (he doesn't do this openly, but I have my ways of knowing) - the most recent black mark he got from me was for looking for nude pictures of... Wait for it... Kerry freaking Katona... I mean... Wow!

She's an ex-druggy mother of 5 kids who is broke and recently even Iceland told her they didn't want her representing them anymore. I laughed when I found he'd been looking at these oils, then I was just really surprised and now I feel mostly gut and heart-wrenching hurt.

He doesn't have the time for me but the type of woman she is will turn his head?? If THAT is his type then maybe I'm lucky I'm not under that list. I'm 22, I'm not unattractive and I'm relatively slender so I can't understand and I don't know what to do. Please, please help if you have any advice.

Ps. I'm wondering if he is passive aggressive (if your man withholds sex look up passive aggressive men and read about it - it's astonishing!) but whatever he is, it isn't working for me!

July 7, 2014 - 9:13am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I read up on passive aggressive behavior, and wanted to say wow! Sounds like my guy. I too don't know if I can handle this type of relationship.

August 31, 2014 - 11:56pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am in desperate need of some help or opinions. My boyfriend of 2 years stopped having sex with me or any interest in me at all. We went from having sex every night to 4 times a month if I was lucky!!! Well recently we went about 3 weeks since our last love making session. And I have been trying to have sex and being rejected painfully. Tonight he brings home flowers and s card apologizing for being a jerk to me. He had never bought me a thing in 2 years and NEVER apologizes or admits anything. So I let it go because I was so happy. Well this evening he initiated sex which again is something he has NEVER EVER done in 2 years. He lasts longer then his usual 3 minutes and then lies to me and says he came when I know full well that he in fact did not. Am I totally crazy for thinking he cheated and finally felt guilt for the first time in his life????

June 2, 2014 - 11:19pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Hi there - it's so difficult to tell, but I think gut instinct is a very powerful thing. One night catch him off guard and ask him straight out - "you have one and one chance only to tell me the truth here so if you think of lying I would sincerely advise against it. Were you cheating in me with a certain someone recently?"

I have caught two boyfriends out like this because they thought I knew something... Which I actually didn't. This pattern of behaviour is very worrying, but then equally it may have just been a phase or a stressful period of his life, so you are certainly the best judge of that. If he replies that he hasn't cheated on you and gets angry, say nothing and start packing - there are two reasons for this. 1. It scares the hell out of them because their being angry is a way to dominate and make you feel terrible about asking a question that EVERY person has a right to ask their spouse or partner. 2. An angry, defensive or aggressive reaction usually indicates there is something he is hiding. Be strong. You have to be clear in your mind what you want from this exercise and follow through. Best of luck x

July 7, 2014 - 9:21am
EmpowHER Guest

I have been with my boyfriend for three years and there is no sex now. Initially we had sex a lot and when we were apart we had phone sex. I am very highly sexed and thought we were perfect together but then the sex dwindled. At first the excuses were that he was tired or his stomach was sore through his IBS. I accepted this as it seemed feasible and we were still having regular sex. Then once a week sex turned to once a month, then once every three. At present the last time we had sex was 28/01/2013 and its been an elephant in the room neither of us can bring ourselves to talk about. The last time I spoke about it was the last time we had sex. I told him how good it felt and how much it had been hurting me. He apologised, told me he thought he might be depressed and promised he would go see the doctor about it. He also said it wasn't me, I was gorgeous, and things had been the same with his ex. This provided some reassurance but he never went to the doctors and I am now living an entirely celibate life. The only affection I get is him touching my bum or legs when we are out with his mates which I resent as I know it's merely a show to present in the same way his mates do with their girlfriends. My friends say I should speak to him about it and I know they are right but it is hard. I wouldn't even know where to start and begging my boyfriend for sex will just add to my diminished self esteem. How can I ever feel truly desired by a man who hasn't wanted me for over 15 months and do I really want to bend over backwards to satisfy a man who has dismissed my needs for so long. It's not even the physical wanting that's the worst part, the rejection is emotionally crippling and the lack of intimacy has distanced us in every way. Sex helps to connect people but we don't have any. I like the idea of having sex with another man, no complicated emotions, no expectations, feeling truly sexy and entitled to orgasm but I know I could never have an affair as I love my boyfriend deep down. I figure a life of celibacy is my only answer as I know he will never change and I will never put myself through the pain of allowing the elephant in the room to be seen and out pour my raw emotion. I am a proud person and acknowledging his rejection is hard.

May 3, 2014 - 2:50am
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