ask: My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

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EmpowHER Guest

First of all, I am a man, who has struggled with the very same problem from the opposite side that many of you are dealing with. I'm not sure if anything I'm am a bout to say is going to be helpful at all but here goes...

I have battled with trying to maintain healthy sexual relationships since I have been sexually active. I can usually keep them up for a while but always exhaust myself, as sex always seems more like a duty then a release. It always seems to be the woman's domain; something that I should do to please her, and should feel grateful for the opportunity, but over time would ultimately just make me feel bad, that my sexuality was something so terrible it could never be emphasized in any relationship.

I think this feeling for me starts with the formation of any male/female relationship I have had, where as a man I must assume all risk and/or cost in pursuing the relationship. I have to ask the girl out, plan and pay for our first dates, define the relationship, and push any kind of intimacy sexually or otherwise if it is to happen. Most of my first relationships were with women who wanted to wait until marriage for any kind of sexual intimacy, which I was fine with, I just didn't want to get married so young, which was something they seemed to push. This did haunt me after college when many of my more adult relationships would fall apart because I would tend to stall out at second base. I was a virgin until my early 20's.

I got over this at around the time I met my current partner. We met later in college. The first month of dating was a slow escalation of me pushing towards sex, which I'm still not sure why I did. Even at that time I had trouble finishing during sex, even with partners before her, however I was very mindful of her needs both emotionally and physically, and she did not seem to mind so neither did I.

We would have sex usually once a day and I would finish with her about every 3rd or 4th time. Sometimes finishing myself in another room afterward, sometimes not. Over the next year or two I will admit that with the strain of being the primary bread winner and escalating our relationship, I did start to neglect my duties in the bedroom. I would try and start having sex but would usually peter out about halfway through. I could masturbate just fine, but not sex. She was very proactive about this surprising me with lingerie and asking me what new things I might want to try. I asked her the same and she said she just wanted our sex to be like it was in the beginning of our relationship. I did have passing fascinations with bdsm and other fetishes so we delved into that, and while she would seem excited about it in conversation she would always seem more passive about it in practice. She tended to be more passive with sex in general though, initiating and then letting me take control.

Eventually I took maters into my own hands and just started these increasingly intense cycles of not masturbating, or watching porn, limiting exercise, taking testosterone supplements, and Viagra to help me bring back the original passion of our relationship. However, the longer I keep the regime up the more I crave the freedom and relaxation of a long run or a quick masturbation session before bed, and the more I begin to resent her.

Usually I just take to orally pleasing her a lot when I don't feel like doing those things. Which I know bothers her, but it is even worse when she gets frustrated when I can't cum and launches into a bout of insecurity about her body or accusing me of cheating. I always feel terrible when she spirals, as I know that I am the cause to her problems. Usually a few weeks or months of this and I start a new cycle.

I try not to look at porn as much as I can, I will go months without looking at it at all and then break down and watch a lot of it for a week or two before quitting and purging again. Usually I just imagine various scenarios while masturbating or during sex, many even involving my partner, some that we had even tried but failed in the past.

Honestly sex is kind of non issue these days as I would prefer to spend my time improving myself both physically and with my career, as they both give me more validity then sex. I love my partner and want to keep her happy, it is just really hard because I never feel sexy around her. The most difficult thing is if she is trying to get me in the mood and I ask her why she wants to have sex with me and she answers with something sweet like because she loves me, it just makes me feel so unattractive. I don’t want to be loveable I want to be fuckable. Honestly I feel like our sex life has nothing to do with me, and I'm just here to satisfy her urges because it's my duty :(

August 4, 2015 - 9:29pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon
It seems like you have struggled with sex and sexuality since you were young. Look into therapy to see if that can help.

August 5, 2015 - 4:36am
EmpowHER Guest

I am in the same situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and at the begginning we had amaizing sex and right off the bat he stopped having sex with me. After about three years he confessed to has erectile disfunction and has been taking viagra pills for a while and they have seem to stop working and so he had a lot of anxiety about it, he didn't want to touch me so I would think he was in the mood and would keep me as distracted as much he could. We haven't have sex at all since that discussion. It breaks my heart because for me it's the intimacy and the connection i'm missing. It affects me and our relationship a lot. Every time I approach him I get rejected it hurts so much and he never wants to talk about it. I'm so discurage i don't know what to do anymore.

August 3, 2015 - 8:29pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm having a very similar problem and it really hurts, I'm 18 years old and I've almost been with my partner of 20 for a year, we used to have sex quite often but in the entire time that we've officially been together, we have not done anything sexual at all. I don't understand, he tells me I'm his 'entire world' and he'd do everything and anything for me, well obviously not! I've tried everything possible but he always tells me he doesn't feel like it or he doesn't want to and one time he even started crying. We then talked about it and he said he was going to go see someone, but he never did. He seems to act like I'm the one at fault, I'm the bad one because I want a relationship which involves sex. I love him as a person and I do accept that he may not want sex as often as I do but he also needs to accept that this is what we need to make the relationship work. I can't live in this sexless, passionless relationship forever, we all need to lay it down to these men! They either want us or they don't, we can't live unhappily anymore! Good luck to all those going through the same issue! x

July 25, 2015 - 10:01am
sunempress90 (reply to Anonymous)

Been having the same problems, it's been more than five months for me! No touching my booty or anything. I have no idea what's going on, I do all that I can to make us closer

July 30, 2015 - 9:53am
EmpowHER Guest

It’s strange, because whenever women withhold affection from men, reject men, manipulate men, blather on about “faking it”, or otherwise disparage men, it’s considered funny, sassy and oh-so-cutesy. Or so we’ve been told by practically every comedian, sitcom, and movie over the past 50 years or so. And females are inevitably the ones laughing the loudest at these types of jokes and slights. Well ladies, who’s laughing now? Isn’t it just hilarious having your most basic needs and desires ridiculed and toyed with in such a condescending manner? Or perhaps it doesn’t seem quite as funny when the shoe’s on the other foot? Cry me a river - you wanted equal rights and now you have them.
Oh, but when women turn down men it’s justifiable because males must never be allowed to think that females are too eager or they’ll start taking them for granted, right? It’s a woman’s prerogative to play mind games and keep men humble, right? Well maybe women need to practice what they preach and start following their own patronizing advice that they so smugly dish out to men, such as “Stop being so horny!“, or “Go take a cold shower!“, and don’t forget to “Keep it in your pants!” (or your dress, as the case may be). Sorry ladies, but despite what you may believe, men are under no more of an obligation to provide gratification to women than vice versa, and it’s time for you to “woman up” and deal with it.

July 25, 2015 - 9:43am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon
What's "strange" are your complete generalizations and stereotypes. You sound like you have not had good relationships with women. That's too bad but but your bitterness has nothing to do with most women' behaviors.

July 27, 2015 - 2:59pm
EmpowHER Guest

Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and when we first got together we had sexy what seemed like all the time. I moved in with him about 3 months ago and i can count on one hand how many times wee had sex. Ill make the first move and he'll just kinda push me off or ill go down on him and hell get off but i never get anything in return im starting to think he doesn't want me anymore but he wont say it.

July 23, 2015 - 9:01am
EmpowHER Guest

He may be suffering from depression. Low libido in men is usually influenced by mood and results in a low production of testosterone. Nothing seems attractive anymore with all the colour drained out of life.

I recommend seeing a relationship counsellor or something.

June 28, 2015 - 3:59am
EmpowHER Guest

Uh. A man here.. Sorry to tell you this ladies but the most reasonable reason that they would be doing this is because you did something to make them find you unattractive. Flat out. Women seem to think men are TOTALLY about appearance? No.. If the relationship is going south.. If you're controlling.. If you're apathetic.. If you don't truly care about his feelings (50% of American women don't..) then he's not going to have sex with you. Hope this helps.. Try to make him want you again.

June 17, 2015 - 8:18am
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