ask: My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

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Hello, I am also having a similar problem. My boyfriend (of a year and a half) and I have sex occasionally (once weekly on average, sometimes less) but I either have to ask or tell him that I want it for it to happen. I have brought up several times, at least four or five, that I feel unattractive when he will not come on to me but to no avail- he says he will try, but he doesn't try. I just wait, get nothing, then cry myself to sleep often now because no matter how much I put out signals, I can not get him to initiate. I am sick of asking and I can't keep telling him how upset I am because it gets me nowhere and makes me more upset when we argue. He says its just because he is afraid that he will be rejected, but I do not understand how he can feel this way when I clearly want to have sex with him and often. I don't know what else to do other than wait for him to want me enough to come onto me himself. Has anyone else ever had this problem?

May 19, 2015 - 6:06pm

I understand how this whole thing is making you feel. I'm experiencing the same thing too. My boyfriend is 22 and I'm 24, we've been together for about 2 years now and it's been 3 months since we had sex and it's depressing. Initially the sex was amazing and frequent, like 3-5 times a week and over the months it decreased to once a week and then once a forth night and then once in 2 months and now it has been 3 months. We didn't start off long distance but its been long distant the past one year since I'm furthering my studies. Initially we did try phone sex but not so often. Now even when I try and initiate phone sex, he turns me down claiming to be tired etc. when I go back, the most we do is make out, and that's it. After roughly about 3 months, I got a fingering session for my birthday. That's it. I'm a very sexual person and I need constant sex and physical connection it he doesn't want to understand this. I've asked him if he doesn't find me appealing anymore or if he is no longer attracted to me, his answer was always no and that I'm just overthinking and that he's tired. I've even confronted him on whether or not he's getting it elsewhere, and the answer is still no ( I've done my spying work and I think there's no cheating involve or at least I hope so :/ ). I don't know what else to do, I'm even starting to believe maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm getting unattractive.

May 11, 2015 - 5:57am
EmpowHER Guest

Hey, I am a new mom of a beautiful 4 month old baby girl. Me and my boyfriend have been together 4 years now. We haven't had sex in exactly one year. My daughter was conceived last April and all sexual activity stop. He said he was afraid of hurting the baby. I assured him I wouldn't hurt her but I respected his feelings. Since my daughter's birth we still haven't had sex. He said he was worried about getting me pregnant. Well I am on the pill and I told him we don't have anything to worry about. I have tired talking to him about this and even making the first move. I don't know what else to do. Help!

April 29, 2015 - 9:41am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post. 

Some men get "weirded out" by pregnancy, so to speak.  They simply don't like it. 

I'm not sure what's going on with him now but if he says he's afraid of making you pregnant, then that must be the case, as I am assuming him to be an honest person. 

Now that you are on the Pill, perhaps assure him again that you won't get pregnant. 

Since you haven't had sex in 12 months, you are co-parenting but not in a sexual relationship anymore. Make the best of it as well as you can. 



April 29, 2015 - 3:44pm
EmpowHER Guest

Im having the same problem as well. We are young, but have been together since middleschool. We have been living together for 8 years. We have an almost 3 year old daughter and i am pregnant with baby number 2. We still have sex, but it's minimal. It's hard for me because my husband works away from home. He is away for work Monday-Friday and comes home Friday afternoon and is home for the weekend. So, on top of barely having sex, he also never sees me. I offer him oral sex or freebies, which means no work for him and he still turns them down. He doesnt often even get turned on unless i go near his butt. That seems to be when he's most turned on. Even if he is hard, for whatever reason, he still wont have sex with me? I have thought for years that he has been interested in men and may be having sex with the guy he's been working with for years, who has also off and on been one of his better friends, but they have a weird relationship. For the record he used to be interested in guys when we were younger and in high school, he has had sex with men before. He claims however that he isn't at all interested in men now and hasn't had sex with a man since we have been together. He tells me that he loves me and is very affectionate (holds me at night....etc). I would just like a personal opinion. We have had sex once this week.

April 26, 2015 - 4:03am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

If an intimate sexual relationship is what you are seeking, I would "dump" and remain co parents....It appears they he is using you as a "cover"...

May 10, 2015 - 9:02pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

i had a bf like this turned out he was gay! at gay parties with my cousin, they dont like just anal for nothing. hes def getting it somewhere else.

April 27, 2015 - 6:51am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi there, well i too am having the same problem with my boyfriend. I had a miscarriage 6 weeks ago and he had stopped having Sex with me once we found out. He didn't want to "hurt the baby" however now that I'm not pregnant he still won't touch me. I finally grilled him to answering why not and he replied "because I just don't want to" I had no response to that. I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do. I then told him "well what kind of relationship are we if we don't have sex" he replied "we are good pals" I got mad and said "good pals? Well if you don't want to be with me anymore then just tell me" he proceeds to call me crazy and that I should just shut up. I know hes addicted to porn he watches it everyday at least 2 a day. I Voice how bad he makes me feel and does nothing to make me feel better, he does however say he loves me and misses me and spends time with me. Just missing the sex.

April 22, 2015 - 9:44am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm sorry you're relationship has come to this but at least you know where you stand and there is no baby to complicate everything.

You can leave the relationship as good friends and begin again with someone else when you're ready. 



April 22, 2015 - 3:35pm
EmpowHER Guest

My Boyfriend & I Sex Life Has been Amazing. We use to have sex almost everyday. We have been together 8 yrs recently he stated he hasn't had the urge to touch me. He Also has been Watching porn on top of all that he would rather get oral or jerk off on my body then have sex with me.. I need to be pleased just as much as he does..

April 21, 2015 - 7:58am
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