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My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

By December 17, 2009 - 8:02pm
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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

Add a Comment222 Comments

It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I've been with my partner for 5 years and we have an almost 2 year old son. In the beginning our sex life was great but for the last 3 years it's completely died off. He rejects me all the time, flat out refuses to touch me and I'm forbidden to touch him. To make matters worse the only time we have had sex in the last year has been when I've been asleep and I've woken up to him touching me or already having sex with me.. like many off you commenting when we do have sex there is no foreplay, no kissing or intimacy of any kind, he literally does what he needs to do (which doesn't take all that long) then turns over and goes back to sleep. I've cried myself to sleep many a night over this and I'm so depressed because of it. I don't know what to do anymore. He says it's nothing personal to me he just doesn't want sex but he watches porn regularly and pleasures himself. He even waits for me to get up with our son in the morning to masturbate without me knowing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I feel I have exhausted every option. I love him and don't want to leave, I don't want another man and I don't think I'd be confident enough to have another sexual relationship with anyone else now. I just feel so defeated.

October 18, 2016 - 1:35am
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend of almost 2 years rarely wants to have sex with me. He is 24 and I am 19 and i go to uni which is about 2 hours from him. He comes up every weekend to see me, but it is only when he is drunk that he wants to have sex with me and then again it's always me initiating it. This has been like this for months and months. When we have sex it is good, but lasts like a minute. I can get so upset at times when I'm always initiating and when he turns me down, it makes me feel so self - conscious. When I ask him why he won't sleep with me he just says he's tired and not to take it personally. How can you not take that personally?

October 15, 2016 - 3:35am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I wish I knew the answer. My boyfriend does the same thing only when he has been drinking which is rare does he act like he wants me. In the beginning we had sex all the time now I have only had sex once all year. He says he is tired but yet he stays awake longer than me at night. I worry he cheats And hides it very well or I am a horrible lay.

October 16, 2016 - 5:35am

I am so glad I'm not the only one going through this! My boyfriend (25) and I (21) have been together for 3 years and just like all of you have mentioned when we first got together everything was great. We had sex 2 or 3 times a day. Then all the sudden everything changed when I got pregnant with our son. He is 1 1/2 now and my boyfriend stopped having sex with me when I was 6 months pregnant. We have maybe had sex 2 or 3 time since our son has been born. And its not like me getting pregnant was a shock to him because we had been trying for a while to have a baby. And now it's like he doesn't find me attractive at all anymore I've tried everything... I've lost weight for him. Then he tells me I'm to skinny now.so I started to gain my weight back. Nothing I seem to do ever satisfies him. He tells me he lo

October 15, 2016 - 1:18am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm so happy to find this article! I'm experiencing the exact same. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, we live together and used to have sex regularly, initiated by both of us. Gradually it dropped off and I've worked out that for over half of our relationship he has not been interested in sex. We used to live far apart and he would regularly message me about how much he misses me, having sex and would love to give me oral sex. Now we are together and it turns out it was all just words. I have brought it up several times; asking what has changed, what I can do etc and have explained what a negative impact the lack of intimacy in our relationship has on me. He can see that I'm unhappy but is unwilling to do anything about it. I have to ask him for a kiss if I want more than a peck and remind him that he promised to be more passionate. It all comes to nothing, nothing changes. Like most women here, I love him and really don't want this to cause the end of our relationship but I cannot keep going on without intimacy and the knowledge that he is unwilling to acknowledge or work on the problem. I too have thought about looking elsewhere, but it's him I want, not just sex.

October 8, 2016 - 12:49am
EmpowHER Guest

It's reassuring that I'm not the only going through this. I have been with my boyfriend, 23, for over two years, but we have known each other since we were 10 years old. We were friends until one day, one thing led to another. We had sex 2-3 times a day, it a was amazing and never felt a greater connection until November 2nd of 2015, two months into the relationship, I found out I was pregnant. That's when everything changed. He stopped having sex with me and only did it when it seemed convient for him. He stopped cuddling me, holding my hand, calling me pet names like babe, beautiful etc. I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy in July hoping that after he was born, things would change. I was wrong. He's definitely not the same person that I knew way before I got pregnant. I am also 23 and am sexually active. I'm so tired of being rejected so I just stopped trying all together. I'm tired of using "toys." I use them when he's away and at every chance I get because I don't want him know I'm doing it and It's just not the same. I want the connection with him and I want to feel wanted. It's been 3 month since we last had sex and I just don't know what to do. It's bringing me into a depression.

September 17, 2016 - 10:47am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm very sorry you're living like this.

Getting pregnant two months into a romantic relationship makes things very difficult even if you knew him before. A romantic relationship is far different.

How is he as a father? If he isn't interested in a romantic relationship you will have to sit down and talk like adults and sort out co-parenting. He needs to be honest so you know where you stand and you can make the changes you need to make.


September 19, 2016 - 1:28pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

He's a good father. I wouldn't say father of the year because there's definitely room for improvement, but he's supportive at the least. He brings in money and makes sure bills are paid. Communication is a bust. He doesn't listen when I talk, he makes me feel less of a person. My son is 1 year and 3 months now and we still haven't had any sexual contact even from when I made my original post. I'm scared to ask or say anything about it because he brushes it off anyway. No way, shape or form do I think he's cheating. There's no evidence of it in his phone, he brings home checks at the amount they've been since he started working two years ago and he's always home at a respectable time. He doesn't want me to leave because that's something I've mentioned due to not standing the way I live, but his attitude doesn't change. It's like we don't sleep in the same bed anymore. He's on one and I'm on the other. I know there's a lot of stress now as well, but that shouldn't stop him from comforting me or calling me beautiful, holding my hand in public places and just making me feel like I mean something to him. I don't know if I need to just leave to make him understand I'm serious about it or what, but games can't be played because I have a little boy involved that he really hasn't seen any affection from either of his parents toward each other and I don't want him to have that idea either. I just don't know what to do. Communication is scarce and counseling isn't an option either..

October 8, 2016 - 9:30am
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend of almost 5 years rarely wants to have sex with me anymore either. He is 21 and I am 20 and we go to colleges that are 3 and a half hours apart. Formerly, when we would see each other on the weekends we'd have sex serveral times, but for the past few months he has barely wanted to. The sex is great when we do have sex, however I get so upset and depressed sometimes because I am always initiating it, and most of the time I am turned down. Everytime I ask him why he just claims to be tired and tells me not to take it personally; however it is very hard to.

September 2, 2016 - 5:51am
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend of 3+ years and I rarely have sex anymore, I try to initiate and am regularly rejected. This has been going on for approx 2 yrs. I used to have a healthy sex drive, however his neglect over this time has really affected my desire so that orgasming even on my own is difficult. But, this was brought about by a tragedy in his life (losing his mom). She got sick about 2.5 yrs ago, and he was caring for her until she passed early last year. I can totally empathize with his grief and have given him lots of space. I'm not sure what to do at this point - I love him but the lack of intimacy (even cuddling is rare) is having serious effects on my mental health. Does anyone have experience in dealing with grief and depression in their partner? He has not been proactive in healing his own state of mind and he is not very open with his feelings to me, although he does try sometimes. I want to help, he is such a caring man and I love him very much. Any advice is appreciated!

August 22, 2016 - 9:01pm
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