Facebook Pixel

My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

By December 17, 2009 - 8:02pm
Rate This

my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

Add a Comment226 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

It makes me feel so sad to know there are other people experiencing the same things I am. It is comforting to know I am not the only one. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now. In the past 3 months we have had sex once and he couldn't keep it up. He is an amazing person that I love deeply and he would do anything for me - beside this one thing I really want. I have a high sex drive and he claims not to but he used to as well. In the first 6 months of our relationship we had sex multiple times a day. We moved into his parents house together for a short time as we were both uni students and I was mostly back in my hometown for my summer job. He broke his leg quite severly so I moved in full time to take care of him. We had more sex when his leg was in a cast. Ever since he has been in pain which I understand and am accommodating to. He left a very stressful job 4 months ago. Prior to this I wrote him a very heartfelt and honest letter describing how our lack of intimacy makes me feel and the fact he only ever wanted sex when he was drunk made me feel disgusting. After he quit I thought our sex life was back on track as it was happening very regularly again but that stopped after about a month. Every time I bring up the issue he makes me feel like I'm selfish for wanting to have sex with him. He has put on a lot of weight as exercising causes him pain, however, he still eats shit so he is not doing a lot to help himself. He said he doesn't like himself and doesn't want to share that which is why he won't have sex with me. He makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit for wanting to connect with him intimately. I cry so much all the time. This is an issue we have had for years - or at least I have had for years. I constantly talk to him about it but he always makes me feel like I'm a bad person and selfish. I feel disgusting and unwanted. I have thought about breaking up but i love him and he is perfect in every other way. I know he loves me but I just don't know want to do because as happy as he makes me I am also just as miserable. Last night he began to play with my nipples and nibble on my ear which made me feel so horny then when I was trying to become involved he stopped and went to sleep. I was so upset and frustrated I went and slept in the spare bed. It's 8:30 and he's not awake/hasn't realised where I slept last night. I just don't know what to do I am so unhappy all the time and I'm beginning to hate myself.
I know some people posted a while ago - I'm wondering what you decided to do? Did you find anything that helped?

December 2, 2016 - 2:31pm
EmpowHER Guest

Iv been with my boyfriend for a year and a half... i fell crazy in love with him...id never felt anything like it..our sex life was amazing...but very early on he started to cheat... some he slept with...some were to rub his ego... it cut me deeply an im still damaged to this day... i take him back everytime which i think has lost me respect...not only from him but my friends and family..iv lost frienships because of him... the sex between us got less and less... he would tell me that it wasnt me...it was him...he had no sex drive.... but he had a sex drive for other women as he cheated again... i got so wrapped up in him... lost my self worth an confidence...it got so bad that at one point i tried to take my own life as i felt so worthless...id hut rock bottom... after i recovered i cut ties..i never wanted to see him again...i started to get my confidence back..felt great within myself an started to realise hes the problem and not me..he must of felt i was better without him and moving on because as per usual he managed to creep his way back into my life.... he only sleeps with me when i leave him and on one of those rare occasions he got me pregnant.. a week after findin out he was a father he cheated on me again...now im 5 months pregnant an wev not had sex in 4 months.... wer together but its awkward... i resent in for comin back into my life with no intention of backin up his promises...sometimes its just over... i cry myself to sleep every nite as he wont touch me...but he expects me to accept his explanation that its not me.. im out of patience with him...done listening to his excuses... im up at stupid hours on google tryin to read up on y he wont sleep with me an they all say the same thing...to sympathise....how can u sympathise with someone who wont give u the time of day to talk about it... all i feel is anger toward him for all the betrayel....and as i said i resent him.... i wish i had it in me to cheat on him so he would finaly address the problem...like shock therapy and yes out of spite as i want him to feel hurt like hes made me feel but deep down i dont think hed even care... i keep tellin him if there is someone else then just f##k off an be with them because im at a point i dont care enough anymore to try as i dont feel hes earned it... i dont think he deservs my love anymore.. yes he suffers from depression but does NOTHING about it and now i suffer from depression... im so lost and rejected... sometimes its best to just walk away

November 2, 2016 - 7:08pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I'm going through this now I'm now 7 months pregnant and I cry almost every night from the lack of him not giving me any attention no touching kissising or sex I'm so feed up and mentally frustrated and having no one to talk to makes it even harder .he tells me he is not cheating but all the signs are saying other wise .I tell him all the time if I don't make u happy then why stay? I feel like I'm loosing myself I'm always sad I should not have to beg for sex I'm just so depressed and sad

November 26, 2016 - 10:26pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Prego85)

Hi Prego85

What are the signs you are seeing that he is cheating?

You are right - you shouldn't have to beg for sex. Maybe you being pregnant scares him?


November 28, 2016 - 1:25pm

It's comforting to know I'm not alone. I've been with my partner for 5 years and we have an almost 2 year old son. In the beginning our sex life was great but for the last 3 years it's completely died off. He rejects me all the time, flat out refuses to touch me and I'm forbidden to touch him. To make matters worse the only time we have had sex in the last year has been when I've been asleep and I've woken up to him touching me or already having sex with me.. like many off you commenting when we do have sex there is no foreplay, no kissing or intimacy of any kind, he literally does what he needs to do (which doesn't take all that long) then turns over and goes back to sleep. I've cried myself to sleep many a night over this and I'm so depressed because of it. I don't know what to do anymore. He says it's nothing personal to me he just doesn't want sex but he watches porn regularly and pleasures himself. He even waits for me to get up with our son in the morning to masturbate without me knowing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I feel I have exhausted every option. I love him and don't want to leave, I don't want another man and I don't think I'd be confident enough to have another sexual relationship with anyone else now. I just feel so defeated.

October 18, 2016 - 1:35am
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend of almost 2 years rarely wants to have sex with me. He is 24 and I am 19 and i go to uni which is about 2 hours from him. He comes up every weekend to see me, but it is only when he is drunk that he wants to have sex with me and then again it's always me initiating it. This has been like this for months and months. When we have sex it is good, but lasts like a minute. I can get so upset at times when I'm always initiating and when he turns me down, it makes me feel so self - conscious. When I ask him why he won't sleep with me he just says he's tired and not to take it personally. How can you not take that personally?

October 15, 2016 - 3:35am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I wish I knew the answer. My boyfriend does the same thing only when he has been drinking which is rare does he act like he wants me. In the beginning we had sex all the time now I have only had sex once all year. He says he is tired but yet he stays awake longer than me at night. I worry he cheats And hides it very well or I am a horrible lay.

October 16, 2016 - 5:35am

I am so glad I'm not the only one going through this! My boyfriend (25) and I (21) have been together for 3 years and just like all of you have mentioned when we first got together everything was great. We had sex 2 or 3 times a day. Then all the sudden everything changed when I got pregnant with our son. He is 1 1/2 now and my boyfriend stopped having sex with me when I was 6 months pregnant. We have maybe had sex 2 or 3 time since our son has been born. And its not like me getting pregnant was a shock to him because we had been trying for a while to have a baby. And now it's like he doesn't find me attractive at all anymore I've tried everything... I've lost weight for him. Then he tells me I'm to skinny now.so I started to gain my weight back. Nothing I seem to do ever satisfies him. He tells me he lo

October 15, 2016 - 1:18am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm so happy to find this article! I'm experiencing the exact same. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, we live together and used to have sex regularly, initiated by both of us. Gradually it dropped off and I've worked out that for over half of our relationship he has not been interested in sex. We used to live far apart and he would regularly message me about how much he misses me, having sex and would love to give me oral sex. Now we are together and it turns out it was all just words. I have brought it up several times; asking what has changed, what I can do etc and have explained what a negative impact the lack of intimacy in our relationship has on me. He can see that I'm unhappy but is unwilling to do anything about it. I have to ask him for a kiss if I want more than a peck and remind him that he promised to be more passionate. It all comes to nothing, nothing changes. Like most women here, I love him and really don't want this to cause the end of our relationship but I cannot keep going on without intimacy and the knowledge that he is unwilling to acknowledge or work on the problem. I too have thought about looking elsewhere, but it's him I want, not just sex.

October 8, 2016 - 12:49am
EmpowHER Guest

It's reassuring that I'm not the only going through this. I have been with my boyfriend, 23, for over two years, but we have known each other since we were 10 years old. We were friends until one day, one thing led to another. We had sex 2-3 times a day, it a was amazing and never felt a greater connection until November 2nd of 2015, two months into the relationship, I found out I was pregnant. That's when everything changed. He stopped having sex with me and only did it when it seemed convient for him. He stopped cuddling me, holding my hand, calling me pet names like babe, beautiful etc. I gave birth to our beautiful baby boy in July hoping that after he was born, things would change. I was wrong. He's definitely not the same person that I knew way before I got pregnant. I am also 23 and am sexually active. I'm so tired of being rejected so I just stopped trying all together. I'm tired of using "toys." I use them when he's away and at every chance I get because I don't want him know I'm doing it and It's just not the same. I want the connection with him and I want to feel wanted. It's been 3 month since we last had sex and I just don't know what to do. It's bringing me into a depression.

September 17, 2016 - 10:47am
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sexual Health

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Related Checklists

Sexual Health Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!