ask: My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

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EmpowHER Guest

I didn't know there were so many women feeling the same thing. My boyfriend and got out of hand on our very first (and second) date and ended up in the back of his truck in a farmers field (oh how I miss those moments). I remember the third date I had to refuse sex because I didn't want our relationship to be only for the sex. Now it's been over 2 years, I love this man more than anything in the world, and we've had some crazy amazing sexual adventures together, but now for some reason he keeps avoiding it. I've done everything to try to encourage him but I don't wanna push sex on him when he doesn't want to, and even when I do get a little, he doesn't even seem interested. I can't even begin to describe how awful this has made me feel, so unwanted, unattractive, etc. Like, i cant even watch romance movies anymore. I just want to find a way for him to want it as much as I do! We love each other, until bedtime..

October 1, 2015 - 9:54pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm not entirely sure on what's going on with him, but maybe you should (if you haven't already) being more assertive in bed. He might feel like he's doing a lot of the work to please you.

You could try being more aggressive in bed with him. Instead of letting him make sure he pleases you, you could make sure you please him just once to see how it goes.

I know guys can feel a bit overwhelmed sometimes that they have to satisfy their partners, almost to the point where it can feel like a chore, so turning the tables on him every once in a while might mix things up just enough for him.

As for how aggressive you should be since I'm sure you might be wondering, I honestly can't say. Depends what your both comfortable with and how far your willing to go out your comfort zone.

Since you didn't say anything about him being stressed or just tired from work, this is really all I can say. But before that, try talking to him. He might try to avoid the topic or something but at least try because you never really know, maybe he's itching to get something off his chest.

October 1, 2015 - 10:45pm
EmpowHER Guest

Wow, this is crazy how many other women are going through this. I thought I was alone. Me and my boyfriend have been dating a little over a year but have known each other for about 7. In the beginning of our relationship sex was fun and amazing. Just like the majority of you ladies it just started to basically disappear. Then I got pregnant. Yes pregnant by the one guy I've dated that will barely touch me... lol. Sorry it blows my mind. Honestly our relationship is pretty great besides the seal parts of it. But it's also not that great because it makes me feel horrible about myself and makes me resent him. He says things like he's tired or he doesn't feel like it. I convinced him to go to the doctor which ended up basically being he had low testosterone but the doc won't give him medication due to him being too young? Also the doctor says it's physiological more than anything. He made it pretty clear he wasn't going to go to a psychologist. He says he.lives me, he's attracted to me...that it's plain ..not me. I don't believe it and.told him if things do not change I don't want to be with him. I love him so much and I'm very attracted to him but I cannot deal with this for much longer. After I have the baby and get into shape again, if he still doesn't want me...oh well. Things have been very stressful latley but it had been going on before i was pregnant. Hopefully he will be a good father to our son.

September 16, 2015 - 1:13pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Way I see it, he's probably holding off on sex on account of the baby. He's probably worried about the baby being harmed in some way. This is very unlikely but u could see where he is coming from. If that is the case it would mean that he is going to be a good father.

As for why he wouldn't tell you this right off the bat, it's probably because he's worried that you would take this reason the wrong way. This might also be why he refuses to see a psychologist - he probably already knows the reason why.

October 1, 2015 - 10:16pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Omg my life to the tee. Literally pregnant with our son as well, due Oct 12. I'm hoping it's just stress over recent money issues and low testosterone due to new medication. It is almost impossible for me to not feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like he's not ino me because I'm pregnant which is one thing, but even scarier, worried he's just not interested in me anymore. Period. I haven't put a lot of weight on, only baby. I still do my makeup,shave, shower....I'm still pretty damn hot considering I look like I swallowed a watermelon. I finally wrote down why I've been having crying fits throughout the day/night and he never talked to me about it after work. he still touche's me and kisses mE. Everything else is perfect in our relationship except that were not having sex. I hope his getting back to work and me finally having our baby will eventually lead back to a sex life. Or I'll have to leave....and I dont want to, I just want him to want me too.

September 19, 2015 - 6:02pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

***ALSO*I'm kind of upset that I wrote down everything and he never even tried to explain anything to me. maybe he feels like he's already told me so many times but how long will this last? I'm in my prime. Also he is 8yrs older than me too, I try to keep a lot in mnd but it seems like he's just constantly making excuses and it's gotta be me. He couldn't keep his hands off me before. It was a lot of hard work to get pregnant but he loved every minute of it. And then when he lost his job sex stopped.

September 19, 2015 - 6:19pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Sounds like stress from the way you put it. Maybe even a bit of exhaustion too. When a man gets tired or stressed (or both) sex isn't on his mind as much, and when it is its not the same as before. Give it time, time heals all wounds and I'm sure that's what he needs.

As for your letter, that depends on what kind of person he is. Maybe in his own mind he thought you were just venting out your emotions, or he's just a bit scared and doesn't know how to reply to what you said and figured that if it's really important to you that you'll bring it up again, or he just never saw/read it.

There obviously could be other reasons but that's what I can think off.

October 1, 2015 - 10:24pm
EmpowHER Guest

First of all, I am a man, who has struggled with the very same problem from the opposite side that many of you are dealing with. I'm not sure if anything I'm am a bout to say is going to be helpful at all but here goes...

I have battled with trying to maintain healthy sexual relationships since I have been sexually active. I can usually keep them up for a while but always exhaust myself, as sex always seems more like a duty then a release. It always seems to be the woman's domain; something that I should do to please her, and should feel grateful for the opportunity, but over time would ultimately just make me feel bad, that my sexuality was something so terrible it could never be emphasized in any relationship.

I think this feeling for me starts with the formation of any male/female relationship I have had, where as a man I must assume all risk and/or cost in pursuing the relationship. I have to ask the girl out, plan and pay for our first dates, define the relationship, and push any kind of intimacy sexually or otherwise if it is to happen. Most of my first relationships were with women who wanted to wait until marriage for any kind of sexual intimacy, which I was fine with, I just didn't want to get married so young, which was something they seemed to push. This did haunt me after college when many of my more adult relationships would fall apart because I would tend to stall out at second base. I was a virgin until my early 20's.

I got over this at around the time I met my current partner. We met later in college. The first month of dating was a slow escalation of me pushing towards sex, which I'm still not sure why I did. Even at that time I had trouble finishing during sex, even with partners before her, however I was very mindful of her needs both emotionally and physically, and she did not seem to mind so neither did I.

We would have sex usually once a day and I would finish with her about every 3rd or 4th time. Sometimes finishing myself in another room afterward, sometimes not. Over the next year or two I will admit that with the strain of being the primary bread winner and escalating our relationship, I did start to neglect my duties in the bedroom. I would try and start having sex but would usually peter out about halfway through. I could masturbate just fine, but not sex. She was very proactive about this surprising me with lingerie and asking me what new things I might want to try. I asked her the same and she said she just wanted our sex to be like it was in the beginning of our relationship. I did have passing fascinations with bdsm and other fetishes so we delved into that, and while she would seem excited about it in conversation she would always seem more passive about it in practice. She tended to be more passive with sex in general though, initiating and then letting me take control.

Eventually I took maters into my own hands and just started these increasingly intense cycles of not masturbating, or watching porn, limiting exercise, taking testosterone supplements, and Viagra to help me bring back the original passion of our relationship. However, the longer I keep the regime up the more I crave the freedom and relaxation of a long run or a quick masturbation session before bed, and the more I begin to resent her.

Usually I just take to orally pleasing her a lot when I don't feel like doing those things. Which I know bothers her, but it is even worse when she gets frustrated when I can't cum and launches into a bout of insecurity about her body or accusing me of cheating. I always feel terrible when she spirals, as I know that I am the cause to her problems. Usually a few weeks or months of this and I start a new cycle.

I try not to look at porn as much as I can, I will go months without looking at it at all and then break down and watch a lot of it for a week or two before quitting and purging again. Usually I just imagine various scenarios while masturbating or during sex, many even involving my partner, some that we had even tried but failed in the past.

Honestly sex is kind of non issue these days as I would prefer to spend my time improving myself both physically and with my career, as they both give me more validity then sex. I love my partner and want to keep her happy, it is just really hard because I never feel sexy around her. The most difficult thing is if she is trying to get me in the mood and I ask her why she wants to have sex with me and she answers with something sweet like because she loves me, it just makes me feel so unattractive. I don’t want to be loveable I want to be fuckable. Honestly I feel like our sex life has nothing to do with me, and I'm just here to satisfy her urges because it's my duty :(

August 4, 2015 - 9:29pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon
It seems like you have struggled with sex and sexuality since you were young. Look into therapy to see if that can help.

August 5, 2015 - 4:36am
EmpowHER Guest

I am in the same situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and at the begginning we had amaizing sex and right off the bat he stopped having sex with me. After about three years he confessed to has erectile disfunction and has been taking viagra pills for a while and they have seem to stop working and so he had a lot of anxiety about it, he didn't want to touch me so I would think he was in the mood and would keep me as distracted as much he could. We haven't have sex at all since that discussion. It breaks my heart because for me it's the intimacy and the connection i'm missing. It affects me and our relationship a lot. Every time I approach him I get rejected it hurts so much and he never wants to talk about it. I'm so discurage i don't know what to do anymore.

August 3, 2015 - 8:29pm
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