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ask: My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

By serah28
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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

Add a Comment36 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

Hello ladies hope you are all in much better situations from where you were when posting here.

I am really at the end of my tether. My fiancé is 26 and I am 22. We just had a baby six months ago who we both adore. Our (nonexistent) sex life hasnt changed - as in, it's been around once every six weeks from year one and we've now been living together for coming up three years.

He is so sweet in so many ways, but I can't deal with how this rejection makes me feel anymore. I don't want to break up my family, but I have expressed this to him so many times that I feel he just can't care enough about me as nothing has changed. Here's the thing as well - he says he has a very low sex drive and I could accept that - but there is a very low sex drive and then there is once every six weeks... Also, he somehow manages to find the libido to watch porn (he doesn't do this openly, but I have my ways of knowing) - the most recent black mark he got from me was for looking for nude pictures of... Wait for it... Kerry freaking Katona... I mean... Wow!

She's an ex-druggy mother of 5 kids who is broke and recently even Iceland told her they didn't want her representing them anymore. I laughed when I found he'd been looking at these oils, then I was just really surprised and now I feel mostly gut and heart-wrenching hurt.

He doesn't have the time for me but the type of woman she is will turn his head?? If THAT is his type then maybe I'm lucky I'm not under that list. I'm 22, I'm not unattractive and I'm relatively slender so I can't understand and I don't know what to do. Please, please help if you have any advice.

Ps. I'm wondering if he is passive aggressive (if your man withholds sex look up passive aggressive men and read about it - it's astonishing!) but whatever he is, it isn't working for me!

July 7, 2014 - 9:13am
EmpowHER Guest

I am in desperate need of some help or opinions. My boyfriend of 2 years stopped having sex with me or any interest in me at all. We went from having sex every night to 4 times a month if I was lucky!!! Well recently we went about 3 weeks since our last love making session. And I have been trying to have sex and being rejected painfully. Tonight he brings home flowers and s card apologizing for being a jerk to me. He had never bought me a thing in 2 years and NEVER apologizes or admits anything. So I let it go because I was so happy. Well this evening he initiated sex which again is something he has NEVER EVER done in 2 years. He lasts longer then his usual 3 minutes and then lies to me and says he came when I know full well that he in fact did not. Am I totally crazy for thinking he cheated and finally felt guilt for the first time in his life????

June 2, 2014 - 11:19pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Hi there - it's so difficult to tell, but I think gut instinct is a very powerful thing. One night catch him off guard and ask him straight out - "you have one and one chance only to tell me the truth here so if you think of lying I would sincerely advise against it. Were you cheating in me with a certain someone recently?"

I have caught two boyfriends out like this because they thought I knew something... Which I actually didn't. This pattern of behaviour is very worrying, but then equally it may have just been a phase or a stressful period of his life, so you are certainly the best judge of that. If he replies that he hasn't cheated on you and gets angry, say nothing and start packing - there are two reasons for this. 1. It scares the hell out of them because their being angry is a way to dominate and make you feel terrible about asking a question that EVERY person has a right to ask their spouse or partner. 2. An angry, defensive or aggressive reaction usually indicates there is something he is hiding. Be strong. You have to be clear in your mind what you want from this exercise and follow through. Best of luck x

July 7, 2014 - 9:21am
EmpowHER Guest

I have been with my boyfriend for three years and there is no sex now. Initially we had sex a lot and when we were apart we had phone sex. I am very highly sexed and thought we were perfect together but then the sex dwindled. At first the excuses were that he was tired or his stomach was sore through his IBS. I accepted this as it seemed feasible and we were still having regular sex. Then once a week sex turned to once a month, then once every three. At present the last time we had sex was 28/01/2013 and its been an elephant in the room neither of us can bring ourselves to talk about. The last time I spoke about it was the last time we had sex. I told him how good it felt and how much it had been hurting me. He apologised, told me he thought he might be depressed and promised he would go see the doctor about it. He also said it wasn't me, I was gorgeous, and things had been the same with his ex. This provided some reassurance but he never went to the doctors and I am now living an entirely celibate life. The only affection I get is him touching my bum or legs when we are out with his mates which I resent as I know it's merely a show to present in the same way his mates do with their girlfriends. My friends say I should speak to him about it and I know they are right but it is hard. I wouldn't even know where to start and begging my boyfriend for sex will just add to my diminished self esteem. How can I ever feel truly desired by a man who hasn't wanted me for over 15 months and do I really want to bend over backwards to satisfy a man who has dismissed my needs for so long. It's not even the physical wanting that's the worst part, the rejection is emotionally crippling and the lack of intimacy has distanced us in every way. Sex helps to connect people but we don't have any. I like the idea of having sex with another man, no complicated emotions, no expectations, feeling truly sexy and entitled to orgasm but I know I could never have an affair as I love my boyfriend deep down. I figure a life of celibacy is my only answer as I know he will never change and I will never put myself through the pain of allowing the elephant in the room to be seen and out pour my raw emotion. I am a proud person and acknowledging his rejection is hard.

May 3, 2014 - 2:50am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I have been through exactly the same thing. My boyfriend and I haven't had sex in 6 weeks. Its not the actual sex that I miss, its the intimacy. I love him and we are very close but I feel like I may as well be his best mate. Anyway, I broached the subject and let me tell you I wish I hadn't. He went nuts. Was so angry at me. Told me he was stressed with work and so tired and dealing with all sorts of other things in his life. We don't live together so you would think that he would want sex when we do actually sleep together. I am younger than him and am told I am attractive and sexy but I don't feel it now. I'm not sure of our future together now. i am not saying all this to put you off having the conversation but this is just the reaction that I got.

June 21, 2014 - 2:08pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Sat here crying
.....I don't think you could have said it any better.how I feel.I'm 38 my bf us 31.we never have sex.this morning he told me he didn't care anymore..
Feels the same as when I was raped on the 22nd Dec 2009 I feel worthless,dirty and horrid

...had enough off life and everything in it.

May 12, 2014 - 3:10am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Hi I am in a similar situation - I too have gone through the complete soul-destroying experience of being raped and now, years later, every argument or difficulty I have with my boyfriend of 3 years I basically just blame myself. Tell myself I'm not good enough, that men are the ones who always want sex rather than the women so I must be so undesirable. But you know what? It's not us - it's these men who with hold sex and intimacy, making us feel worthless, alone and down-trodden. You get to a point where you start to think that being single and alone is better than being in a relationship and alone. So that's what I've done. I broke up with that sorry piece of **** three weeks ago, and I SWEAR I feel AMAZING!

He brought me down SO much by not wanting to be with me and I thought that I needed him - that I couldn't live without him but it came to a point where I was sick of being alone with him. If your man values you for the strong, beautiful woman that you really are (I know compliments are hard to hear but listen), then if you break up with him he will come crawling back. And if not?

I know you're probably thinking you feel afraid of being alone - well after reading your post you sound like you are feeling pretty alone already. Breaking up is the hardest thing, but sometimes things have to fall apart so better things can fall together. You will be okay. More than okay. You will find someone and you will be happy, just please allow yourself that!

Also, again, I know it's the last thing you want to do, but talk to a GP or a councillor or SOMEONE. bottling it up will destroy you - I myself very nearly took my own life more than once and years on I am free, happy and (between you and me) just started dating someone new :D I promise you everything will be okay. If you get this, maybe let me know how you are doing?

I wish you all the very best sweetie


July 7, 2014 - 9:01am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post and I'm sorry this is happening to you. 

You are settling for so little when you could move on and have so much more to your life. 

If you really feel you cannot speak to him about this then your relationship is built on something that has no foundation. Couples should eventually be able to address this with each other even if it hurts or is embarrassing to do so and his failed promise to see a doctor shows his lack of commitment. He just isn't trying. 

I think it might be worth it to give it one more try but to do that, you are going to have to say something. If you would rather live in limbo than face up to things, that is your choice but I think you are throwing away so many opportunities to be happy. He is your boyfriend, not your husband, you have no kids together - and he isn't interesting in trying. You may love him but that is not enough. You've loved him for three years and look where you are. Please rethink settling for this life - you deserve much more. 



May 5, 2014 - 11:39am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi I had this issue with my misses I rather play on computer blah blah. I just didnt want to sleep with her. I dont even no why but it broke our relationship up for 6months I had moved on with someone else. not all bad I lost loads weight got muscly and got my self confidence back. we back together now and 5yrs down line we dont have it everynight like when we first got back together. I just remember that it was a pain cause she only wanted sex in the bed, we go bed late and by then I cba. :)

January 26, 2014 - 4:55pm
EmpowHER Guest

It was getting me really down too cause I knew something must be wrong but when I asked him about he'd say he didn't know. Then if I pushed it he'd come up with an excuse like "I'm too old for sex" (he's 24) or "you don't make me feel sexy" (If I didn't think he was sexy why would I be desperately trying to figure out why he won't have sex with me). It's always a different reason and I know he's just saying it to make me drop the subject. It's so frustrating all I want is honesty whatever the reason. I even asked him to come to the doctors incase his lack of sex drive was medical to which he tells me he masturbates when I'm not around so it can't be that. It was driving me crazy especially cause he was acting like everything was fine and I was nagging him and being silly to feel insecure and worried about it.

I ended up writing him a list of things I love about him and things that pissed me off (probably not a good idea but I was so frustrated and I just needed him to know exactly how I felt). Things got better for a couple of weeks and i felt we were back to how it used to be but it didn't last long. The few friends I asked all said the same thing, if someone doesn't want to have sex with the person they love for a long period of time, there's something wrong. As much as I didn't want to believe it, I can't avoid how right they were. Anytime I stopped wanting to have a sex with a guy I loved it was because I didn't love them like that anymore or I was in love with someone else. Now I just need to accept it and move on cause he's too weak to do it for himself. I hope it worked out for you...if it did and you have any hints let me know : P

November 7, 2013 - 4:15pm
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