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My Boyfriend Wont Have Sex With Me Anymore..?

By September 10, 2010 - 11:07am
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My boyfriend & I have been dating for a year & a half now & we were very intimate up until this last month. I'm 18 & he's 20. I know it's only been 1 month but thats a pretty long time for us. Usually he's the one always wanting to, & a few weeks ago I tried, but he came up with an excuse but i thought nothing of it because it was the first time he's turned me down. but within the past 2 weeks I've been practically begging for it & he just wont give it to me. We both are working on finding a place together, but in the meantime we're living with our parents so we dont get to have sex as much as it is because our parents are always home & it's just uncomfortable so we usually wait until we're alone. Well his parents went out of town for the weekend so we stayed at his place & I thought we were going to do it since we have the whole house to ourselves, but once i started touching him etc.. he was just getting mad at me telling me to watch the show on T.V. that we were in the middle of watching. He was acting like he was soo into the show as if it would never be on again.. & as a matter of fact, we had it downladed on a DVD so we could pause it!! but he just refused & it really made me mad so I went into the other room & went to sleep. Well about 10 minutes later he comes into the room holding me & apologizing so I'm thinking we're gonna do it, so again I try, & AGAIN I'm turned down! I just dont get it! He says 'it's not you it's me' but what does that mean? I'm a very attractive girl & I dont think that could possibly be the problem? But what else could it be? It's weird because in the morning when he wakes up before I do, he's always touching my body & feeling me up & down but then doesnt want to have sex! So if he wasnt attracted to me he wouldnt be all over me, right? Nothing in our life has changed within the past few months, so he's isnt stressed about anything.. he gets everything he wants! So what's the deal? No matter what I do, he stays soft! I do all the things he used to like & now it's not phasing him! Sometimes I start kissing his neck or touching him when he's playing his Xbox but he just gets sooo mad that I'm making him 'die' & then I end up getting mad that he's being so anal so then I just go away! We never used to have this problem! No matter what he was doing, he'd always stop just to have sex! Now if i interrupt him, he snaps! He also used to love taking showers with me, even though I sometimes didnt like it becuase I simply wanted to shower & get out, but now he never wants to shower with me, even when I ask him to. He isnt really acting any different, he's still cuddly & playful with me, he just wont have sex! & recently while I was on my period, he would say to me how he can't wait until I'm off so we can do it & all that stuff but when I did end, we actually did start having sex but he went limp & I just dont have a clue in the world why! I didnt say anything but he ended up apologizing to me so I ended up asking him what the problem was & again he said it wasnt me it was him! So I Asked what about him? Whats wrong.. & he just had no answer. I dont know if i should keep trying or just lay around & wait for him to want to. Because I dont want to make him do it! I want him to want to! What Could Be The Problem?

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HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

It has to be very humiliating to dress up and straddle your boyfriend and be rejected. "Threatening" him with using a vibrator is pointless and just as humiliating. He either wants you or he doesn't.

Right now, your relationship is more as room-mates. If you want to change things back to the way they were, then tell him you are bothered by your sexless relationship and stop dressing up and making threats, that's just unbecoming for a woman. You need to respect yourself and he needs to respect you. Begging for sex is something no man or woman should have to do.

Since your relationship is very new, you need to consider that it may have run it's course and is ending. Your boyfriends actions are not those of a man interested in a woman.

Let him know that it's time to talk and work things out. If he won't, then it's time for you to make decisions as to whether you want to continue in this way. If he won't change, you can't make him and if he won't change, the relationship (in a romantic sense) is probably over.



October 8, 2012 - 12:49pm
EmpowHER Guest

well im having the same problem as well we've been living together for 5 months and also been dating for that long i moved in with him because i was on my own for a while and we just clicked we love each other alot we used to have sex 3 -4 times for the past 2 months now its been hell all he does is sit on the computer and every time i fell him up he pushes me away and this one time i said i had enough and decided hey im gunna dress sexy and i put on my corset with sexy panties and stockings and i climb on top of him and he says im sorry im not really in the mood and he said can we do it later i was so upset with his responce and i just walked away saying alright :/ he never does anything to me im lucky if i get fingered 1once a month he's always on his computer what should i do i tryed threatening him with the vibrator he says he's sorry he has a lower sex drive ive caught him masturbating alot and i freaked on him because i feel insacure and its unaceptable especially when he's along and im not there he says he just wants to get it over and out of his mind he says he'll come get me when he masturbates he came and got me a couple of times because i lived in the bedroom right beside his but now were living in the same room in our new apartment we still dont have sex and were alone we used to take alot of showers together but now we dont anymore the last time we took a shower together was a month ago :/
so i dont know what to do with him should i leave ? should i buy a vibrator and do mall the work for myself please help :( i feel its ruining our relationship a bit

October 5, 2012 - 5:38pm
EmpowHER Guest

My bf of 3 yrs has an intense n intamate relationship with Internet porn. After a yr we barely ever had sex. He has no problem jerking offs everyday though. After a year or so of fighting and then talking and then trying he still couldn't bring himself to have sex with me more then he masterbated. Hes affectionate, caring, supportive man and we have an amazing friendship, he just couldn't make me feel whole as a sexual person, for whatever reason (addiction,selfishness,mental) I could feel horrid when we would have sex because I figure he'd rather be jerking off to young teen porn. So I decided sex doesnt belong in our relationship. He of course didn't like the idea, but when he's fine w having sex 1-3 times a month and that simply does nothing for me. I can't get in the mood n I feel vey used or apologetic that he felt he has to sleep with me. So I decided to stop it. He can watch porn all he wants and I don't feel bad because that's what he wants/has to do because I won't give it up. To him an orgasm is an orgasm, it doesn't matter how he has it. It's been 6 months since we had sex n I've never been happier! :) for me the less sex I have the less I want it. So I'm fine with out it. We kiss n cuddle n pet eachother and without the possibility of sex being brought up weve been alot more emotionaly intamate (not sure why). He will occasionally ask me if I'll ever be ready for sex again, and I ask him if he'll ever be ready to give up porn. End of discussion. Haha. I can except his habit but I'll be damned if I have to actively compete with it!! Obviously my situation and solution is most likely pretty uncommon, but shows how every women and man with similar issues can possibly make lemonade out of....the lack of sex. Good luck to you all!

May 2, 2011 - 6:08pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post and you're right; there are lots of different solutions for the same problem!

However, after reading your post - it seems that your new found lack of interest in sex was one that was forced - simply because you had to accept that you boyfriend has substituted you for porn. I think it's very unfortunate that you have accepted this and that he has broken you down so successfully. Instead of a boyfriend, you have a friend, who isn't really a friend at all. All I ask is that you think about your future and how you see yourself in a few years. And if you ever want children - how will that happen?

Don't settle for less just because you like someone. You've been bullied into being a sexless human being and you deserve more. Your boyfriends porn addiction (and believe me, it's an addiction if he no longer has sex with another human, merely watches it online compulsively and masturbates to it) has forced you to be someone you are not. Addicts are some of the most selfish people and former addicts or recovering addicts will tell you that.

Don't make his life your life. You are entitled to a full and loving relationship and I think you know that, deep down.

When you say "He will occasionally ask me if I'll ever be ready for sex again, and I ask him if he'll ever be ready to give up porn. End of discussion. Haha." ....I don't think you really think this kind of conversation is funny or smart; it's more sad than anything.

I wish you the best,

May 9, 2011 - 2:45pm
EmpowHER Guest

that really sucks! i dont even have an answer to that. I did get to the bottom of my boyfriends reasons and its a medical thing. But maybe your's is just sexually bored. its always better when its a surprise for him. But im no professional. Good luck hun! even though my boyfriends issues are medical, i feel like somethings missing, and that its me. That maybe he just didnt find me attractive anymore. and i too have gone to bed crying. Talk to him i guess. when he offers to get a third party, ask him why its necessary.

February 15, 2011 - 12:36pm
EmpowHER Guest

I've been having a similar problem... My boyfriend and i have been together for almost two years, and we have lived together for just about as long. Im 20 and hes 24. Well up until last month things were going great... i mean we've had out issues but we got through them.. But then things just kinda stopped. No sex, nothing. I mean im not drop dead gorgeous, but im good looking and i know he doesnt have a problem getting hard and that he does want sexual stuff.. he asks for blow jobs and what not all the time. He just doesnt want me. And hes asking me to do threesoms and stuff with him but im not even comfortable with my own relationship to allow another girl in on things. I just dont get it... for example last night was valentines day (V-Day is a big day in my book) and i dressed up all nice for him, and cooked dinner and he got my flowers and a card. He was teasing me and rubbing me all over with his hands and then he asks if he can take care of himself( i.e masturbate) i couldnt stay calm anymore,i broke down in tears and took a bath while i waited for him to be done. I ended up crying myself to sleep on valentines day and i dont know why he didnt want me

February 15, 2011 - 11:35am

Just as every relationship is unique, so are the reasons or causes behind your partner's choices in his behavior towards you. We have compiled the “best responses” received from both men and women in regards to your specific question, and hope you read through them thoughtfully. Women have been going through the same struggles, and have shared their insight and lessons learned. Men have also shared why they did not want to have sex in their strained relationships. Please let us know what “words of wisdom” or “tips” resonated with you from the following articles:
Helpful Relationship and Sex Articles:

Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

December 28, 2010 - 9:05am
EmpowHER Guest

thats crazy almost word for word is whats happening to my boyfriend and I. He's 23 and Im 21 but we live together and have for the past 6 months.
I just figured he's not attracted to me, and maybe it's time to move on which is going to harder since we live together now.
But it may be whats best

December 4, 2010 - 5:23pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hello I didn't realize how many women are or have experienced the same issue that I am currently experiencing. I've been in a relationship for 2.5 years with my man. After 6 months into the relationship we moved in together. Our sex life was pretty good at the beginning but slowly began to change after I moved in. It's been 4 months since we've had sex. Crazy enough, 4 months ago I found out he cheated on me, but we were intimate a couple of weeks after that, but no more since then. He works nights and I work and attend school full time. We sleep in the same bed, he kisses me before he leaves the house and when he returns. He hugs me often and tells me he loves me but when I initiate sex or even ask for sex he says "I'm tired". I'm 34 and he's 29. Somethings wrong, but I don't know what it is. He pays bills, helps me with my daughter in college and even gives me money when ever I ask and just because. One thing I've noticed is that he watches porn dvd's on a regular basis. He never does it when I'm home but he always forget to take the movie out of the dvd. I feel that he's not attracted to me. I figured on his days off maybe I will try again. Tonight was one of his days off and I tried again, no such luck.

November 30, 2010 - 7:58pm
EmpowHER Guest

im going through the same thing...what the f*c#!!! why doesnt he want me, im hot, im sexy, i do eveything to turn him on and still nothing.
ive asked him if hes gay??? only because i dont know any other man who doesnt want to have sex.
is he into someone else, i dunno?
were together forever, now that we have a child together, does that scare him?
i need answers and he wont give them to me.....help!!!
im about to go find my needs somewhere else, and i dont want it to come to that:(

November 24, 2010 - 11:16pm
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