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My boyfriend & I have been dating for a year & a half now & we were very intimate up until this last month. I'm 18 & he's 20. I know it's only been 1 month but thats a pretty long time for us. Usually he's the one always wanting to, & a few weeks ago I tried, but he came up with an excuse but i thought nothing of it because it was the first time he's turned me down. but within the past 2 weeks I've been practically begging for it & he just wont give it to me. We both are working on finding a place together, but in the meantime we're living with our parents so we dont get to have sex as much as it is because our parents are always home & it's just uncomfortable so we usually wait until we're alone. Well his parents went out of town for the weekend so we stayed at his place & I thought we were going to do it since we have the whole house to ourselves, but once i started touching him etc.. he was just getting mad at me telling me to watch the show on T.V. that we were in the middle of watching. He was acting like he was soo into the show as if it would never be on again.. & as a matter of fact, we had it downladed on a DVD so we could pause it!! but he just refused & it really made me mad so I went into the other room & went to sleep. Well about 10 minutes later he comes into the room holding me & apologizing so I'm thinking we're gonna do it, so again I try, & AGAIN I'm turned down! I just dont get it! He says 'it's not you it's me' but what does that mean? I'm a very attractive girl & I dont think that could possibly be the problem? But what else could it be? It's weird because in the morning when he wakes up before I do, he's always touching my body & feeling me up & down but then doesnt want to have sex! So if he wasnt attracted to me he wouldnt be all over me, right? Nothing in our life has changed within the past few months, so he's isnt stressed about anything.. he gets everything he wants! So what's the deal? No matter what I do, he stays soft! I do all the things he used to like & now it's not phasing him! Sometimes I start kissing his neck or touching him when he's playing his Xbox but he just gets sooo mad that I'm making him 'die' & then I end up getting mad that he's being so anal so then I just go away! We never used to have this problem! No matter what he was doing, he'd always stop just to have sex! Now if i interrupt him, he snaps! He also used to love taking showers with me, even though I sometimes didnt like it becuase I simply wanted to shower & get out, but now he never wants to shower with me, even when I ask him to. He isnt really acting any different, he's still cuddly & playful with me, he just wont have sex! & recently while I was on my period, he would say to me how he can't wait until I'm off so we can do it & all that stuff but when I did end, we actually did start having sex but he went limp & I just dont have a clue in the world why! I didnt say anything but he ended up apologizing to me so I ended up asking him what the problem was & again he said it wasnt me it was him! So I Asked what about him? Whats wrong.. & he just had no answer. I dont know if i should keep trying or just lay around & wait for him to want to. Because I dont want to make him do it! I want him to want to! What Could Be The Problem?
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Well we are both working full time. We moved cities and its about 2 hours from family and friends. I can try to take it less personal and shift the focus off sex for a while but I'm also a very affectionate, touchy feely, type of person and we have realized that he isn't. But before we moved he was much more affectionate and touchy then I had gotten used to him being. And then it just died. I think you're right about living my life with him in and not focusing on him, wwhich will be very difficult seeing as how I moved for him and away from my family, friends, my job that I loved. Maybe ill join a gym :P
November 22, 2010 - 9:53amThis Comment
Hi Anonymous,
November 23, 2010 - 8:07amI understand how it can be tough when life gets in the way of your relationship, and when he's not affectionate like you are. It's all an adjustment. Make plans to go back and visit family/friends often. The occasional space may be just what you and he need. It also is always a good idea (although I know how hard it can be) to focus on yourself and continuing to improve yourself. Be that woman he fell in love with, not his sidekick so much.
Good luck, and let us know if you need support in the future or have other health questions.
Take care,
-Christine
This Comment
soo im glad i came across this because im going through something a little too similar... Im 22 and my bf is 29. we just moved in together away from our families and i know its a big change. We have been living together for a month and the exact thing happened, he didnt want me or went soft, and when i was on my period he was all over me then when i was off we tried, failed and he said the infamous -its not you its me- and hes told me not to take it personal but how can i not... when he gets home hes tired, ive been doing what i can before and after work so dinners ready and the place is cclean and tidy so he can relax. nothings working and im taking it personal, and its frustrating me not solely because im not getting any, but because he wont talk to me and gets mad when i try to get the ball going.
any advice
-nicole
November 22, 2010 - 9:16amThis Comment
Hi Anonymous,
November 22, 2010 - 9:33amThanks for your comment, and for finding EmpowHER. I'm glad seeing you are not the only one dealing with this type of situation helps you put things into perspective. It seems to me (granted I don't know you and your partner), that since moving in together your boyfriend has lost that "spark" he had. Are you currently working, or in school? What's the situation of moving in together? Did you move to a different state from your family? How far are you from friends and family now?
In regard to the sex, the best thing you can do is try to not worry about it, and just be the best partner you can be. Do what you love to do alone and also when you are together. Try and not focus on the sex so much so you can work on just being your own person in the confines of being together. It is completely natural for couples to experience this tapering off of sex when they take things to the next level (moving in). Partly it may be because there isn't that distance of having separate lives between you, and removing it can make things a bit unsettled for a while. It can be scary for you and him. If you have to talk, maybe if you can talk about that instead of the sex, it may help to voice some of those concerns? You may find that could be a reason for his current sexual dysfunction. What do you think?
This Comment
Hi Makayla,
September 14, 2010 - 1:02pmAs Susan said, you need to discuss this with your boyfriend. If he won't, then you need to decide for yourself how truly invested you (and he) are in this relationship. If you're not intimate, you're really just friends, aren't you? It may be scary to consider, but I think you may have an idea what is going on. I think in these cases, you need to listen to that inner voice and move on if you have tried and he isn't responsive. Even though you're young, life is still too short to be wasting time with the wrong guy who isn't as dedicated to making the relationship work as you are.
Stick to what you decide, and let us know if you need any more support. Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
This Comment
He's either experiencing dysfunction as Susan said, or he's experiencing someone else. Hate to say it, but take it from a 37 year old male, not wanting to have sex with an attractive, willing, wanting partner as a 20 year old isn't normal. He could have problems, or you may have one because he's into someone else...literally or figuratively. Look on the bright side though; finding another who wants to experience "that" with you in a healthy relationship won't be difficult.
September 13, 2010 - 10:50pmThis Comment