My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

I too am having the same problem I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, and I can't help but feel like he's losing interest in me. I'm 19 I have a child live on my own and work 60+ hours a week. He is a full time student and goes to school 2 and a half hours away, making it so I rarely see him. He does come home on breaks for weeks at a time and we aren't intimate at all. I am the only person he has ever been with and we use to have sex all the time and lately its been about once a month. I wonder if its just that he's not attracted to me anymore but he says that that's not it, he says "he's scared of getting me pregnant" why would this happen all of a sudden our sex life use to be great and now we don't have one. Should I be worried that he's not ready to make a long term commitment to me and that he's not ready for maturing like I am because I already have a child? Its so sudden I can't understand why he would all of a sudden change like this after a year. It kills me inside because we are not what we used to be he doesn't find my jokes funny anymore and we don't spend as much time together as we use to he doesn't even look at me the same he says nothings changed but I can't help but feel like he's lying to me after all its not my fault I feel this way, am I wrong?

I remember when i left my last relationship before this current one I'm in. I was on my own for a year and it was miserable. I hated being alone. I only knew what it was like to be with someone and i was completely a mess on my own. I was so scattered, i never finished unpacking my boxes or paying my bills on time. I was allover the place. If you ever saw the movie Breakfast at Tiffanys, that was me. Lost. I was always scared and never was able to stick to something. I found myself being depressed when i woke up at noon, not knowing what to do with myself and then go out and drink all night. I was scared and didnt know what i was scared of. I felt in the end that if i was alone, nothing i did or strived for would matter being I'd die alone anyway and i never believed that there was anything after this life and we're meaningless. Then i met this guy i'm with and i felt grounded again and safe (but scared that i'll lose it one day so i'd try to control it to where i wouldnt lose it and its self prophecy i tell you.) I feel i need someone to ground me so i'm stable. He keeps me on track and sees what i dont see. Ex: paying my bills on time, finishing school, how messy i am, etc. I know i can do the last mentioned on my own but when i'm alone i feel less grounded to do it. I remember i tried going to school on my own and i felt a bit depressed and lonely doing it like i'm in my own world and noone really cares. I feel as if i need to be a part of someone elses life in order to make my own life meaningful. to have someone love me and care about what i do. I dont feel "me" alone is worth doing it for. I don't really have anyone in this world. my dad is too involved with his family and my mom is more cynical than i am and its depressing to be with her. It's so hard to be happy with yourself when you're scattered and don't believe there's a god. I want to believe it more than anything but my doubt gets the better of me. I really love this guy and dont want to destroy this relationship over my own issues. I could have such a happy relationship with him and everyone if i could just be more positive about life.

Whew.

That's a lot to take in, Sara, and I know it's an awful lot for you to deal with.

Let me see if I can boil it down for both of us:

-- You've been together for two years. You now have sex about four times a year.
-- When you broke up because you misunderstood his reasons for not ever wanting to have sex, he told you that you were being controlling and pushing him toward other women.
-- You admit that you are too controlling -- but you are so afraid of losing him that you are needy, which is a turnoff to you both.
-- You feel that it's a good relationship, yet you are reluctant to bring up the bedroom issue because you're afraid he'll get mad.
-- He's having trouble getting and keeping an erection.
-- He had an impossible-to-please father, and tells you that you are the same way. (This again makes it your fault, not his.)
-- You are working on not smothering him.
-- You went to therapy once, but don't feel like it was right for you.

Is that about right?

There are two things going on here. He's having physical/mental trouble getting and keeping an erection, which is probably a total libido-killer and source of stress for him. YOU cannot fix this.

And the two of you are in this cycle of control and neediness that isn't good for either of you.

Something's got to give here, Sara. Either the two of you need to be able to talk about this more and deal with it like the adult problem it is, or you've got to back off and be OK with the way things are right now.

Neediness is not attractive to anyone, and neither is controlling behavior. And you are 100 percent right when you say that you know it is because of the fear of losing him. But I have something to tell you: You would survive it. You would hate it, but you would survive it. You need to realize that. It will make you stronger and more confident in the long run.

My advice would be to back off, try to be less anxious about his feelings for you, and work on making yourself the person YOU want you to be. You do not want to be "a needy pomeranian," whether he says he likes it or not. You have changed since the two of you have been in this relationship, right? You can change back. You can be confident. You can be fun and funny. You can have your own life that doesn't revolve around him 24/7. And in the process, you will not only be happier, but also more attractive to your boyfriend.

After you back off and work on yourself for a while, you'll be able to tell if anything changes on his side. If nothing does -- say, in two or three months -- then it's time to talk, for real. It's time to decide whether it's OK with you to be in this kind of a relationship. Because unless he wants to change it, it won't change. It takes two to work on problems like this, not just one.

When you went to therapy that one time, what were you hoping for? You mention that you need something more effective, and ask for ideas. Are you hoping for ideas to try to change yourself?

Therapy does take time, Sara. And it might not have been the right therapist for you. Some therapy is covered by insurance; is that an option for you at all, or is it all out of pocket?

I'm going through a similar situation. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we'll maybe have sex once every 3 months or so. sometimes longer. Of course in the first few months he always wanted to have sex but not anymore. It dwindled really quick and when i used to ask him about it, he'd say he didn't know why he didnt want to or that it was maybe just a phase. The funny thing is when we broke up a few times (the reason was that i was insecure and accused/doubted him all the time of cheating because i felt he never wanted to have sex with me. he said i was pushing him to want to meet other girls and see what else was out there because i was allover him with my accusations and was too controlling and negative.) I feel I'm getting better about not controlling him and accusing him but i'm still afraid of losing him so i can be a bit needy and revolve my life around him which i need to stop. Anyway, I dont want to bring up the "lack of sex" because i feel it'll push him away more being he gets mad and says he doesnt want to talk about it anymore. He says its not because he's not attracted to me anymore but because he just couldn't get 'it' to work (i know it has to be a psychological thing being I'm probably too needy/controlling...or maybe also that he's not feeling good about himself. he took up this new job last summer and he's always overly worried with his mind constantly racing. he's also always feeling like he has to please everyone for their approval. i'm guessing this could have something to do with his dad being overly conrolling and expecting so much from him which scared him away from home to begin with. he even tells me i'm impossible to please. but there is one thing i wonder...dont some people purposely pick to be with a partner who is hard to please also, in order to try to fix them to make up for not being able to please their dad? ) anyway, sometimes he feels bad for me because he'll try but cant keep it up. and he still cuddles and wants me to do everything with him in his daily activites. We still talk about things we want to do in the future like buying a house in this community we love when we save some more money. and i know he's faithful because everytime he hangs around anyone, especially girls, they all say he talks about me ALOTand he shows them a pic of me from his wallet he always keeps. and we do everything together. Anyway, i'm trying to work on not smothering him but still showing i care (although he says he likes it that im needy and always wanting to be around him.)but for some reason i feel more like a needy pomeranian when he says that. I need to figure out how to become more desirable to him by being less insecure and needy which means i need to work on myself. i have tried to see a therapist but $195 for 80 minutes is way too expensive to hear someone tell you just to keep a journal everyday and think of ten things im thankful for everyday. i need something more effective. any ideas?

Hi, Sarah,

Welcome to EmpowHER! And thank you so much for writing.

I'm sorry you and your boyfriend are having a difficult time in the bedroom right now. As you can see if you read some other similar posts on EmpowHER, you are truly not alone. This happens to a lot of couples once the newness of a relationship wears off.

How old are the two of you?

What else is going on in your lives right now? Are you students? Do you both work? Are your jobs stressful right now? Are you having financial problems?

What else has changed since the beginning of your relationship? Do you each have friends of your own? Do you do things individually as well as together?

Have other parts of your relationship changed? For instance, if you used to cuddle all the time, do you still? If you used to talk together a lot, do you still? Do you laugh together? Do you do things like go to dinner or see movies or take hikes or anything like that?

Do you live together? Did the two of you make any kind of commitment to one another, like deciding that you would date only each other? Did you ever talk about engagement or marriage? Or did it not get that far?

Without knowing more yet, I would say that there IS some boredom going on, but that it's more than that. It may be that you are needier than you used to be when the two of you had just started dating, and being needy like that may be closing him down a little. Or it may be that he's under a lot of stress at work and he's bringing it home with him, and that since the two of you are no longer "new," it's easy to constantly put it off until the next day, and the next, and the next. Or it may be (I hope not, but it's possible) that he has become interested in someone else. Is this a possibility?

Take a little time to write us back with some more details and we'll see if we can help.