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ask: my boyfriend won't have sex with me,says he feels pressured

By Anonymous
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we've been together 7 months and untill about 2 months our sex life was great. he said i always turned him on and he'd talk dirty to me constantly.then it seemed to get less frequent and now he makes up excuses not to have sex. i get really upset and feel very rejected and he knows that because i can't help getting mardy with him when he won't have sex with me!
when we do have sex (which is rare) it's become awkward and either lasts for 5 minutes or he loses his erection.i asked him to talk dirty to me once and he gave a nervous laugh and said "i don't know what to say". which made me very confused!

the other night after he rejected me again, he admitted to me that he felt pressured into performing because i always want sex, and he feels like a performing monkey. i don't understand this, because he always wanted it as much as me!
i just find him irresistable and i need the sexual contact with him to feel close and wanted, and when i don't get it i feel like total crap.
i'm now terrified of initiating anything because he pushes me away and i can't handle it.
i'm at a complete loss as i've never been in this situation before,in past relationships i was the one who would rather turn over and go to sleep. what can i do??

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EmpowHER Guest

I´m not sure if every one of your stories fit in the same scenario, but I hope this helps:
When a man who loves doesn´t "feel like" having sex with you, there sure is a problem, but it´s rarely ever related to sex.
Men like sex, and they enjoy it, but it is true that they sometimes feel pressure, and are not able to perform at their best, which makes them even more frustrated, and the more frustrated you are, the more pressure he feels, so first of, stop "asking" for sex, even more so, stop demanding it if you are. Be sublte. Men are not very attracted to a woman pursuing them (they are when they can´t get any, of course, but if he loves you, and he already wanted you before, you don´t need to offer it, I know it may be difficult, but restrain yourself from going after him. It´s okay to tell him he looks sexy, or that he is handsome, but stop there, he has to pursue you).
Second, this is a very common cause of men not having sex with the woman they love, they feel pressure because they feel they are the only thing on your life, or at least, your main focus. If you´re not too happy on your job, or you have stopped doing your hobbies, he will feel like all of your happiness depends on him (most men are egocentric like that, this is not a bad thing, it´s just the way they are wired). Go back to your old hobbies, or find a new one. Find something to do that you enjoy and that does not depend on him at all. Tell him about it, and about how excited you are about this new thing that you are trying (Try to make it something that he won´t want to join into, this needs to be something you do alone for yourself) but don´t fake it. Do something that you´re really excited about. Avoid things like cooking, or projects where the end result will still benefit him (If you take on knitting, and knit him a sweater, he may feel like it still bounces back to him, if you enjoy knitting, then knit things for yourself. Focus on you on this one).
Keep taking care of yourself (shallowly speaking, don´t give up on that) and flirt with him. Be subtle and discreet. Place your cand on his, and maybe caress him gently with one of your fingers, stare at his lips, lick yours, but do not engage in physical action until he does. Do respond if he does, but always give less than him, if he kisses you, kiss him back, but don´t throw yourself at him after one kiss. Draw back. Let him pursue you.
Like I said, this won´t fix all of your problems, you better than me know if he might be cheating, or just straying away. This response is focused for when he used to be sexual with you, your relationship is emotionally commited, you know he loves you and he just feels too pressured to "perform" in the bedroom with you.
Stop trying.
Focus on yourself.
Set goals for yourself that have nothing to do with him, and focus on them.
If the problem is really just the pressure, this should fix it.
Men are wired differently than we are. They are less aware of their emotions and where they come from, if he says he´s feeling pressured, he must be feeling it a lot for him to notice, and accept it, they are just not always usually aware of the fact that the feeling of pressure comes from the fact that they feel like you have all of your hopes set on him. The more you want it, the more impact he thinks the disappointment will be.
I hope this helps you. A good relationship is not worth throwing away over sex.

February 25, 2014 - 2:01pm
Melissa Ann Hutton

This is my situation exactly. I sometimes think it is a manipulation on his part because he is naturally passive with the opposite sex and so he feels the need to dominate in a sort of passive aggressive way. I staying until things got so bad I had to leave. I have no self esteem and I cannot stop thinking about having sex with him.

December 4, 2013 - 2:07pm
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend never ever wants sex from me if I never mentioned sex for years he wouldn't even notice or say anything he doesn't initiate it and never will I practically nag him every day and he rejects me he always says oh tomorrow never happens the run around he's been doing this for 6 years I have sex once a year if I'm lucky and I'm very attractive to every man but him he's only 28 I'm 24 with him alot and he calls me all time at work just tired of it

December 17, 2012 - 3:43pm
EmpowHER Guest

I met my boyfriend online 8 months ago. we met in rl and had sex but it sucked he couldnt keep an errection, at this point i was ok with it because he told me he had panic attacks and it started after that so i stayed with him thinking it is a physical issue and he will get help for it, other than that is is super cute and sweet, I am 47 he is 33 so theres an age difference , even tho I look in my mid 30s. After being togeather for some time his errections stayed and sex had gotten better even tho he has only sparked at me in a sexual passive way 2-3 times, rest of them i ignited. which in 8 months has only been like 12-13 times, We had talked about moving in togeather because he was cummuting to see me 2 1/2 hours away a 5 hour train ride he made every other week and he would stay for 2 weeks and go back, when he came this last time he said he planned to stay a month. after two weeks here he said, " Babe is it awful i dont find older women attractiv?" I flipped out ,what after all these months and commuting and bringing him into my life as well as my sons who just lost his father a year ago walking out on us, he is telling me this now.... I cried ,was pissed and sexually attacked him rising him up in 3 seconds flat, he said babe nows not the time and i replied u got that right i just had to prove that older women turn u on and i just did it in 3 seconds, and ur right i dont want u , he then said you bitch and sexually went after me in a very hot passionate ordeal, after we were done he held me tight saying he would work on his feelings to get over it, Next night we went out had drinks and he got a a lil tipsy, he called his family and said he is moving in with me, and kept telling me i look sexy shooting pool , when we got home we took a bath togeather and then had sex sex sex, telling me how sorry he was for saying what he did night beforenext day he was hung over and kept texting me at work wanting me to come home and lay with him. since that a month has passed and we only have had sex one time in the morning and it seemed like a 5 minute chore to him, he makes excuses not to like his penis skin got ripped last time and its healing etc. I have tried everything, I really am a sexy beautiful woman who gets offers all the time.My boyfriend calles me baby, kisses me, cuddles me and strokes my back, arms face, burries himself in my hair, holds my hand in public does everything you would want ur man to do, BUTTTTT now im sick of a new thing happening, girls from his past so called friends, texting him in middle of night, when i cope an attitude he offers me to read it, and i just say no, i just find it rude ... i would never text a guy in middle of night and if one texted me i woould let them know what time it was and ask if its an emergency because im in bed with my man, he stays up late playing video games and get s times where he doesnt wonna touch, and then other times he wants to grab and touch me, its like he needs to have control and me none, I am at my wits end and do love him , but feel i love myself more and this relationship is starting to feel more like im a suga momma more than a gf.

March 2, 2012 - 7:24am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm a guy and one thing is...older women are sexy hot. Especially if they are like you. One thing and I'll put this is CAPs for all women, IF YOUR GUY PLAYES VIDEO GAMES AND YOU ARE TRYING TO INITIATE SEX AND HE WONT STOP PLAYING, HE'S NOT THAT INTO YOU-LITERALLY. Guys who play video games are little boys inside. Even if you come out in a sexy lingerie outfit, touch yourself and he still doesn't stop-DUMP HIM. You need a man to lift you in the air and make love to you not a 6 year old. Think of the Jennifer Aniston scene with Vince Vaughn - did he stop playing. If he said he didn't find you (older women attractive, then he's jacked inside - men love sex, I can do it several times a day, one or two at a time, give it to me). I like fishing and if a women asked me to stop to bang her, done. Pole is down and my rod is out.

June 3, 2014 - 2:54pm
Melissa Ann Hutton (reply to Anonymous)

This might seem like a strange thing to ask but was he a Leo?

December 4, 2013 - 1:48pm
EmpowHER Guest

Erectile dysfunction , Diabities, Weight Gain, i really dont know why its happening.. But he really hasnt looked into it much further than saying he has a problem.
But i agree with all the above posts, even after 5 - 6 years of a relationship im thinking i should move on..
He is a very caring and helpful partner, i havent met another like him. But the sex dropped off after a couple of years, to no sex at all, he knew what i was like..I really enjoyed Sex and enjoyed it quite often. I have struggled with my inner urgers at times i feeling so overwhelmed with the need to releave myself.
I have gone past the hurt stage even past the i need to releave myself stage.. Now its just we dont have sex...
Im in my early 40s and i know i can be vibrate and sexy but i squash it all down, not for his sake of feeling pressured, but so i can keep my emotions in check.
Do i release the inner woman and go solo from here on.. Or do i struggle for the rest of my years till the sexual urgers die down.

March 14, 2011 - 11:45pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hey everyone... my boyfriend does not have erectile dysfunction, is not stressed, is not on any sort of drugs (legal or not) and is generally healthy. He says he is still attracted to me, and we actually had sex yesterday. But, the problem is, we only have sex MAXIMUM once a week, but more like once every couple weeks. We used to have sex every day and sometimes several times a day. I still want it like I used to. We were like that for a few years and now (5 years together, on and off) it's not like that anymore. We're great together, best friends and sexually attracted to each other, and we love each other dearly. He is very cuddly and affectionate with me, and he says he isn't sexually bored of me. We have discussed it many times and it usually ended up in some sort of argument or just me being hurt because I can't help but feel sexually unwanted sometimes. I don't ask for it every day, but every few days. I always initiate it now. The conclusions we came to having discussed it are two: 1) He says he is often aroused but suppresses it because he doesn't always want to, and 2) We have incompatible sex drives, and he says I want it all the time. Those two claims are incompatible to me. One says he has similar, if not the same sex drive I do, but consciously suppresses it, and the other says we simply don't have compatible libidos. What's the deal?

February 24, 2011 - 12:29pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,
From my own experiences, I know that school is insane and full of stresses. Stress is usually the number one reason why individuals do not want to have sex. This could certainly be the case. Thinking back to the cheating situation, he was in America on business although in some sense, perhaps it was a little relaxing as a get-away from his crazy schedule. Have you thought of taking a weekend away together (just you and him)? Would this be possible?

I know sometimes life gets crazy and in the way...but remembering that there is more to a relationship then sex, may help the matter for the time being...but it is completely up to you in the long run and what you are willing to deal with....we all have choices.

Good luck,

February 20, 2011 - 10:39am
EmpowHER Guest

I can't believe how much of what you're all saying is EXACTLY like my situation. When we first got together it was a casual thing, we saw each other a few times a week and every time we saw each other we'd have sex at least once in that night, although he'd leave afterwards and go home, it was still great sex. the closer we got as people the more he started to stay over and we would even have sex in the morning as well before he left for uni and before i left for work. Although we were a casual relationship, we started seeing each other more and we communicated more and kind of turned in to a couple. Before we were really a couple, he went overseas for a conference and ended up getting "absolutely off his face" and had sex with some 31 year old engaged crazy b****. I only found out about this about a month ago and since then we've talked about it and that's the only time he's ever done that to me, and his excuse was that we weren't really a couple, which is very true, but he kept it from me and still had the text msgs in his phone (thats how i found out) which is what hurt the most. With all that aside, we've been so great as a couple the last 6-8 months (been seeing each other for over a year but only serious for about 6-7 months), we talk about things we have in common, we laugh together and play-fight like kids, cook dinner together, cuddle on the couch and in bed, still kiss each other (cheek and mouth), so everything is fine in that respect. But for the last couple of months his want for sex has increased dramatically. At first I thought it was just because he was tired and stressed out; he is a phD student and is at uni 14hrs a day 7 days a week with no time to himself and barely any for me. I tell him that I'm so proud of the work he does (which i am), and I think he's doing a great thing and that he's so good at it and to not give up. But the stress and frustration that comes with his phD (and i mean to a point where he's raging mad and throwing stuff around) has had quite an impact on our sex life. Even when I beg for it now and when i tell him how much i need it, he just becomes really quiet and says that he doesn't know what to say. I've cried to him over it and told him that I feel extremely unattractive and insecure because of it, and have asked him if it's me or if it's because I've put on a couple of kilos or if it's because he doesn't like doing it with me anymore, and he says it's none of that, it's just him. He says that even when he's not at uni he's constantly thinking about it, it plagues his mind, he can't get his mind to rest at night, therefore has very rough sleeps. I sleep well, except lately due to him being unfaithful when he was overseas at a conference. I want to think that him having sex with that crazy engaged woman has nothing to do with him not wanting it from me, but I feel like I bore him. He still kisses me and holds my hand and cuddles/spoons me in bed, tells me I'm cute and calls me every day after uni to see what I'm doing, and we see each other nearly every single night. Should I start staying at home a bit more so he has space to get his head around his uni stuff? I never ever bother him when he studies or reads his papers from uni, and when he says he'll be at uni for another hour and then shows up two and a half hours later at my house, he says he got carried away. And I know that's true, I know he's not cheating on me because he's a very unusual guy and wouldn't waste his time on me if he wanted someone else. (the incident in america was purely because he was off his face, horny and wanted sex; he said the next day after he did it he felt bad and regretted it because he considered his actions not to be the best, and asked for heaps of sexy/raunchy photos of me to get that other woman out of his head). I'm really not sure what to do, because he doesn't like talking about stuff that we've already talked about and he ensures me that its not me its him, but I'm literally begging for it and forcing his hand down my pants but he just laughs and pushes me away. It's so weird because he's affectionate in every other way besides sex itself. I don't want to leave him, we've got something too good to give up, but this is pushing me over the edge. I'm a very sexual person, he knows that because when we first started seeing each other I was pouncing on him at the first sight of seeing him, as he was me. I spoke to him one night about it and he said that he feels pressured to have sex with me and like he's only doing it because I want to. He also says he doesn't want to do it if he can't do it properly (ie. no energy and too tired - which is what he's like every day.) I'm not sure what to do, I don't know how to make him horny or want me like he used to. It makes me cry and I lie awake at night crying about it while he sleeps. It sounds dysfunctional but like I said, we're great in every other area. Should I back off and start sleeping at my house more often, will it make him want me more when he does see me? Should I not ask for it at all and wait til he wants it? I don't know when that will be and I'm almost at breaking point. I even had a tantrum last night and ended up going for a cigarette on the balcony. Cigarettes instead of sex seems to be the norm at the moment. I'm in peices over this because I don't want to leave him but for a lot of women this is a reason why they do. :(

February 19, 2011 - 10:56pm
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