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Is my desire for sex ruining my relationship?

By August 24, 2012 - 8:34am
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After returning from a 9 month deployment to Afghanistan I started college in a new state where I didn't know a soul. Shortly after I met my current boyfriend of 11 months and we have been pretty much inseparable. I'm 24 and he is 22 and we are both in the same field of study. I love that he is there to motivate me to get my work done and be able to help me when I struggle since he is ahead of me in the program. We've both met each other's families and I've never heard the term "they're a keeper" from so many people in my life. We have a lot of issues behind closed doors but the one that has hurt me the most is the lack of sex. Before I meet him I had only been with two other men and had never had the desire that I have now. Most of it comes from the intimacy I feel when I am with him. It scares me to think about it, but I would probably do almost anything he asks. Lately it seems that while he still always wants me around he doesn't want anything else from me. Last after spending an hour trying to fix his internet and 45 minutes of rubbing his back, before I know it he's ready for sleep. While this isn't anything new, his constant denying of me has really begun to hurt my feelings. He could tell I was upset and when he asked what was wrong I couldn't help but to tell him how I felt as calmly as I could. He then told me that it's not normal to have sex more than twice a week (even though we used to have sex almost every day) and that I'm just sex obsessed which makes him not want to have sex with me. He even went on to say that sometimes he regrets ever having sex with me and that I make him resent me. I sat on the floor in tears and when I finally picked up my stuff to leave he leaped out of bed and said that if I left he would never have sex or speak to me again. I love him very much but that isn't the first time he's said (well, actually screamed) hurtful things at me or threatened me in such a manner to get his way. I know it isn't healthy but I think I may have also contributed to his behavior by giving in for fear that he might actually leave me. He says that he's not very affectionate, and he rarely compliments me anymore. And while he does a lot things to show he cares I prefer the romance and now I feel wrong for it. I can't open up to him and tell him all this because he will get offended and shut me out. He is a really great person but I think a lot of his behavior is new to him since his parents went through a really rough divorce about a decade ago and he might just be at the point where he's beginning to understand it. Is there anything I can do to turn this around?

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HERWriter Guide

Hi Jackie

Thanks for your post and thanks for your service to our country.

I'm not sure if a 10 year old divorce is affecting him now but if it is, it's manifesting itself through some passive-aggressive behavior with you. I don't think wanting sex more than twice a week in a relationship that's still less than a year old means you're sex obsessed. I think he's saying this to make you feel weird about yourself so you will stop asking about or talking about sex.

You are not to blame here but don't feed into any of his behaviors by speaking with him or arguing back when he is in one of these moods. Don't fuel the fire. Walk away and resume when things are calmer. If he continues to yell or be aggressive, be careful. Jackie, there are many, many relationships out there that people think are wonderful but behind closed doors, it's not the case. People have different sides to themselves that they show to different people.

If he is unwilling to talk to you and yells or is verbally abusive, and will not work to make changes, then some changes need to come from you. If this remains the same, do you want this to be your life?

When the intense sexual attraction fades (and it probably will, even a little) you are still left with what seems to be a confused young man but one who is also a bit of a verbal bully. Whatever his reasons for his anger are, he doesn't to take it out of you. Perhaps the lack of sex is not the real problem here.

"But I love him!" is never a good enough reason to stay. Heed the signs you are being given and work together to fix things or walk away.



August 24, 2012 - 11:08am
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