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is my ex dangerous pedophile?

By October 6, 2009 - 12:02am
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I am really confused and don't know what to do. I was with my ex on and off for approximatly 6 years, and we moved in together in August 08'. He started sharing some sexual fantasies with me shortly after. He was really into roll playing (me being his young daughter). At first I didn't think it was a big deal as lots of men fantsize about incest. After a while he wanted to do it every night, and would say things like "you can't tell anyone or I'll get in trouble". That escalated into him openly looking at "teen porn" and incest porn. I would find searches on the computer for "young vergin sex" etc. He became more comfortable with sharing this fantasy with me, and started talking about having our own kids and teaching them sexually when they were young. He would even on occasion say "i'm serious about this" or "i'm not just playing".

I left him a month ago because he was also verbally abusive to me when things didn't go his way. The thing that worries me here is that I'm unsure if he would ever turn these fantasies into reality as he does not have me around anymore to do this with. He told me that he had never told anyone about them except me, as he never felt comfortable enough with anyone else. He has a 6 year old daughter from another woman, and I am also pregnant with his child. I don't plan on getting back with him, but I am worried about how serious these fantasies actually are. I am having a hard time with this as it is such a serious issue, and there is no going back if I tell someone. This could ruin his life, and put me in a lot of danger. On the other hand, I feel that if I don't tell someone, his daughter, our child, and other children could be in danger if fantsy turns to reality.

I just need some advice on how to deal with this. As I said, this could be detrimental to him, his daughter, and even dangerous for me; but what if he is actually dangerous to the children??? What do I do????

Add a Comment13 Comments

Thank you all so much for your advice. You have given me the courage and understanding to do the right thing. Today I contacted his probation officer and told him everything. They are going to work out a plan to monitor him more closely, and prevent him from hurting a child. I also got in touch with his daughter's mother and told her everything, so hopefully she will take the right steps to protect her little girl.

I will keep you all updated on the progress with the probation officer, and want to thank you all for taking the time to help me with this. I believe I have done the right thing.

October 8, 2009 - 3:29pm
(reply to lumina)


I really respect you for what you did. I know it was incredibly hard to do, and that you have a lot of warranted fears attached to it. But you worked through those and took action. You did all you can do, and you may have prevented something awful from happening. That was brave, Lumina. Please do let us know what happens.

October 9, 2009 - 9:20am

This may help as well:

The American Psychiatric Association recognizes "Pedophilia" as:
"Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving sexual activity with a child or children."

Debunking the Myth:
"Internet Sex Offenders Target Teens--Not Young Children" (so that you have more confidence knowing that targeting a teenager by an older adult male online is still considered a sexually offense and sexual exploitation)

October 8, 2009 - 1:47pm


Your question about "why contact the police; you have no evidence" is understandable, but you do have evidence (as Diane pointed out; the hard drive of your ex's computer).

You will be interested to know that as of April 2009, "Manitoba is the first providence to enact legislation that makes it mandatory to report child pornography." I presume other Providences will follow suit, so please do not think you are over-reacting-- indeed, you are under-reacting to this situation, and in order to be the BEST mother, citizen and to have a career in the justice/law fields...you need to act immediately. This man needs treatment, therapy and to be kept away from children.

Your ex has committed a crime by viewing porn and incest porn of children online; the claim for these children to be of legal age is very doubtful, and there is no such thing as "legal" incest porn.

I am curious how you told the mother of your ex's daughter about your witnessing of his physical, sexual and verbal abuse, and the harm that you are afraid their daughter may endure in the future (and, I have a difficult time believing she has not already been the victim of at least verbal abuse).

To report the crimes you have witnessed (his verbal confessions, online viewing), you can go to Canada's National Tipline for Reporting Online Sexual Exploitation of Children at: http://www.cybertip.ca/app/en/. This is an easy, online report form.

You can also go to the National Child Exploitation Coordinator Centre (NCECC) of Canada:

Please respond, and let us know how filling out the reporting form is, any persons you spoke with on the phone about the proper procedures (you can call the NCECC to ask for their professional advice), as well as what the mother of the 6 year old said when you told her of your experiences, observations and fears. Depending on her reaction, you may also be able to provide the 6 year old's teachers or other family members with information.

I am so sorry you are in this situation, but we are here to walk you through the process. You are doing the right thing, even though it is extremely difficult and emotionally challenging. You are speaking for the millions of children, including your baby and his 6 year old daughter, that do not yet have a voice. As a mother myself, I want to reach out and hug you for making a stand and protecting our kids. thank you!

October 8, 2009 - 1:31pm
EmpowHER Guest

If you don't report him, you're as sick as he is, and you're enabling him to be a pedophile. Tell the mother of his daughter, tell the police, scream it from the rooftops if you have to, and get yourself into some counseling. You need it.

October 8, 2009 - 12:06pm


I understand your story even more after reading your second post. I can even see why you were slow to come to the realization that things were horribly wrong, and why you had to make a secret plan as to when and how to leave. That is rough stuff. And your dad was a champ to help you out.

I am glad that you plan to tell the mother of the 6-year-old. She deserves to know; she needs to be able to protect her child. And while she may not seem to believe you right when you tell her, you can be certain that she will think about it hard and will probably change her actions regarding him because of it.

Do you have Legal Aid in Canada, where you could go and tell them what you have told us and get an opinion about what would happen if you went forward?

October 8, 2009 - 9:57am


I am very sure that the porn he openly watched when he was with you was legal porn with "actresses" of legal age portraying young virgins but I don't think you're considering what may have been seen and deleted when you were not around.

I don't think that a man this sick was satisfied with watching porn that was not the real thing he fantasized about. I don't know what the laws in Canada are but I seriously doubt pedophilia is taken lightly.

October 8, 2009 - 6:14am

I replied above, but it showed up as annonymous. Please read above. Thanks!

October 8, 2009 - 12:11am
EmpowHER Guest

Thank you all for your opinions. The entire reason why I turned to this site, is that I was very unsure about if I was over-reacting. I am 22 years old and have never encountered a situation like this. I have always been very open and non judgemental toward everyone, which is why he felt comfortable enough to tell me this stuff. I started to feel very uncomfortable when the fantasies escalated and did not want to alert him of my suspissions, as he's very unpredictable. I did not want to be another casualty of domestic abuse.

To make it clear, the "teen porn" is very legal. It is 19 to 22 year old girls who look, dress, and act very young. I have read a lot about fetishes and fantasies and incest is actually a very common fetish, but usually about siblings, cousins, etc. I thought it was just wierd at first, but believe that when two people are in a relationship, both should strive for a healthy relationship including sexual fantasies. When it started to escalate, I knew something was wrong, and that I needed to get out.

As some of you may know, when planning to leave an abusive relationship, things must be kept very secret, and everything has to be perfect on moving day (including getting him out of the house). He did attack me once and has smashed things of mine often, so this was the best way to leave for me. It took me a few months of back and forth arguing with myself about whether some of the problems were my fault, about being in love with him, and all of the other things that women go through in this situation. Finaly I got enough courage to do it, started hiding money (which was also hard to do), talking to friends and family to get the help I needed, and finding a new place to live.

He had no job when I was ready to leave, so my dad actually had to take him fishing to get him out of the house on moving day. I left on August 30th, and didn't look back. On September 19, 2009 I found out that I'm pregnant and seriously considered an abortion. I can't do that though. I have an excellent education and career, I have very supportive family and friends, and will be a great mom. An abortion is not justified.

I know that I can speak to his probation officer (he's on probation from when he attacked me) about this, but having a legal background myself, I know that they cannot do anything unless he has actually committed a crime. This is where I am afraid. If I tell them, they will confront him, and he will know I said something. The same with his daughter's mom, as she will confront him. I don't even know if she will believe me.

I am more concerned with how this could affect his daughter, and whether or not he will come looking for me once he knows I told someone. I will not be putting his name on the birth certificate, as I dont want him in our lives, and don't believe that any amount of child support is worth putting my child through the drama that he will cause. If he wants to contest that, he can try. I am very experienced in child support and custody issues within the court, as I am a paralegal specializing in family law. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about him doing something to his daughter when she starts to develop more (he's not into little kids, it's teens that he is attracted to), or finding me and doing something bad because I told someone. Going to the authorities was my first instinct, but knowing the legal system and how it works, there is nothing they can do except confront him until he has actually committed a crime. His probabtion officer may order sex counselling too.

I'm going to warn his daughter's mother for sure, but what will telling the cops do? I'm not sure that is the wisest thing to do, as I have no proof of this, and he technically has not committed a crime yet. I'm not sure if you are familiar with pedophile laws and punishment in Canada, but they are a joke. To bring this out into the open with no proof could turn into something very bad for everyone except him.

Thanks again for all of your help and support. I am going to take all of your advice and tell his daughter's mother, but I really need to think about telling the cops. I'm just so worried that it will cause more problems then they can possibly fix.

October 8, 2009 - 12:05am
HERWriter Guide

Dear lumina

Thanks for your post - your story is very troubling on so many levels.

As the others said - you did the right thing by leaving. But now you have many other things to do.

He has been looking at child porn on the internet. Incest IS pedophilia if the person is under age and "young virgins" are not 18. When people look for this stuff on the internet, they are looking for 11, 12, 13 year old girls and this is pedophilia. Lots of men do NOT fantasize about incest - where did you get that information from?

Since you have witnessed his actions, as well as his verbalized intentions to "teach sex" to his own young children (and not in an educational way) you know enough to know that this is an extremely bad situation.

When he first asked you do act out his pedophillic fantasies and pretend you were his young daughter - you remained in a relationship with him. Did you play out these fantasies with him? If a man asked me to role play sexually with him by playing his young child, I think it would take five seconds for me to find my car keys and run - not walk and never return. When he asked you to have a child with him in order to "teach it sex" you got pregnant by him. Why did you stay with this man and get pregnant with his child? I have a hard time wrapping myself around the fact that you left when he became "verbally abusive" to you yet remained with him as you found him trolling for child and incest porn, and even after he told you that his pedophillic fantasies could get him into big trouble and wanted you to role play his child during sex. To be strong and empowered, you must accept responsibility for your actions! You have made some very big errors in judgment but it's not too late. Have a meeting immediately with his ex (whom he has a child with) and inform her of everything. Then contact a lawyer. Find legal aid and get an attorney and get legal advice on informing the police on what he has done. I am confused as to why you are confused as to what to do - get an attorney and contact the police. And never, ever let your child near this man. All pedophiles start off with fantasy - it doesn't take long for it to become a reality and it may already have.

The police can take his hard drive. You can't delete child porn, even if you think you can. Or take the hard drive and take it to your attorney. Since he shared residency with you, you need to make sure you are also legally protected, since you both used the same computer.

I would also advise you to enter into intensive counseling to evaluate why you remained with this man, and are having his child, when you have known of his sexual history, especially trolling for child porn on line and wanting to you role play sexual behavior as a small child. You are probably not equipped with the tools you need right now, to raise a child - and you'll need legal protection from this man and so will your child.

Please inform his ex immediately and find an attorney. You are not to blame for this man's actions - you cannot control the sexual perversions (these are not "fantasies") of another. But now is the time to get control over your life and protect your unborn baby, as well as this man's 6 year old little girl. Google "legal aid" for your city and contact them today - and also this little girl's mother. It's crucial this is done immediately. Good luck and update us when you can. I wish you the best.

October 7, 2009 - 1:11pm
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