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My fiancé not into me

By July 21, 2009 - 12:47pm
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My finacé and I have been together for seven months and got engaged four months ago. We had sex the first night we were together, chemistry was there I thought. I had known about his very promiscuous sexual lifestyle before me. I forced him to take STD test and he has genital herpes. We had sex a few times and I contracted gential herpes from him. As time went on, he was less and less interested, to the point where he just rejected me, in a nice/not so nice way, finds excuses, too tired, stressed out other times is I don't look hot/slutty enough for him etc... He knows I am beautiful (and I know it too) as I have never had a hard time getting men's attention in a good way/classy, but his type of women are on porn magazines. This is the first time in my life that a man is not turned on by me and as strong as I am, it is starting to take a toll on me. He says he loves me, has never loved anyone and never wanted to marry any woman in his life, until he met me. He says he knows for sure he is not gay (and I can tell the way he looks at other women) but he can't manage to see me as a sexual partner. I am about to see a counselor next week. We did go to a couple therapist twice, no changes. He is taking the step to see a therapist alone.

Is our relationship doomed and am I wasting my time? Do I need to move on and cut the losses here?

Thank you so much for your help.

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EmpowHER Guest

Thank you so much for your support. I did see my counselor who told me to run away and how it was not about me. His counselor requested to see me and said the same thing, both experts have told me his is most likely gay and abusive towards women. I am so glad I found out now. Thanks again for your help and support.

July 30, 2009 - 3:03pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I am so happy to hear that you were able to get out of this harmful situation; it sounds like you were working with some wonderful counselors.

August 20, 2009 - 1:33pm

I wanted to also send you this discussion thread: Why Doesn't My Husband Want Me. You may find this helpful, as the situation you are currently in (not-yet married) may not ever go away, and many of these women are now faced with a divorce with children.

Another discussion thread: Why Doesn't My Boyfriend Want to Have Sex with Me Anymore?

One woman shared a great quote: "I have found that people treat you the way you let them, not the way you deserve."

And, here is a wonderful chart on what a Healthy Relationship entails:
- The Equality Wheel is the ideal partnership/relationship, and contains fundamental elements for a healthy relationship:
(Scroll down to "Equality Wheel")

July 21, 2009 - 1:59pm

My advice would be to stop trying to get him to change his mind about you, and stop trying to "get" him to see that you are strong, sexy, lovable. I'm sure you are all of these things. I'm sure he does love you, but not in a sexual way. This is, therefore, not "intimate love", but is the love of a close friendship that is difficult to let go.

What a strong and lovable (and yes, sexy) woman would do is to decide for herself, INDEPENDENT of the man, what type of relationship she wants. You would be helping to create a very positive and healthy relationship for yourself if you stop focusing on him and begin focusing on you.

So, here's your questions for you to think about:
1. What type of long-term relationship do you see for yourself? Describe it in detail.
2. Do you want a marriage that is mutually loving, sexual, intimate, connected, respectful, trusting...and more? Do you want a man that is physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, financially committed to you and only you? From the beginning to the end?
3. Have you asked him why he can't "manage to see you as a sexual partner"?
--This, to me, sounds like a cop-out excuse. How much more hurtful can someone be?! It truly sounds like he is inwardly begging you to end this relationship and "let go" for him, as he does not sound capable of doing so.
--However, I do want to mention that he may have a problem sexually, but again, in a healthy, trusting and relationship he would openly communicate that he is concerned/worried about his performance, functioning...you name it. It does not sound like he has any physical sexual conditions, but wanted to rule it out.

Honestly, it sounds like you are confused, and that your priorities are "getting & keeping" this man because you fear there is no one else, or you feel that you truly do not deserve a relationship that is reciprocal and healthy. Sure, all relationships have their ups & downs, but what if this is all there is in this particular relationship? And, you already (understandably) want more?! This is a good thing that you know already what you want, and what you deserve, and I hope you find a wonderful man who is able to give you everything you want and deserve...and more.

Lastly, if you do not want to "let go" completely, at least postpone the engagement until you can figure out what you want. (Notice I said "you" and not "him"!). Although I am curious what his definition of his dream relationship is (I assume it includes physical intimacy with someone he can manage to "see" sexually). It really is OK if "he's just not that into you" (sorry to quote a movie), as deep down if you are honest with yourself, you must not be that "into" him if you are not connecting on a physical, sexual and intimate level. What else is he holding back, and what are you holding back from him refusing to be intimate with you? I hope you find a great counselor who can help you through this difficult decision, and I hope your fiance is going to counseling because he wants to, not because you requested it of him.

July 21, 2009 - 1:45pm
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