Hide This

FREEHER HealthToolkit

HER Health Toolkit

Sign up for EmpowHER updates and you'll receive our
FREE HER Health Toolkit

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Sex & Relationships Guide

Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!

EmpowHER Guest

ask: my fiance is insecure and wont have sex

By Anonymous
 
Rate This

Ive been living with my partner for 4 years now i'm 24 and hes 29, we had lots of sex to begin with then it died down to every couple of weeks which i was fine with. buy then it just stopped and the last time we had sex was last may (year and 2mnths ago) i feel ugly and frustrated i get snappy at him. we still love each other and have nice timrs he recently proposed! But no engagement sex just rolled over to sleep. i know hes put on weight but i always still called him sexy and handsome. Ive tried everything subtly wearing nxt to nothing around house, setting the scene in the bedroom, stroking his body on couch or in bed but nothing he just says what u doing like im a freak.

i tried just coming out with it saying i feel ugly everytime u knock me back you need to get some help. and his response was everythings not about sex! Like its my fault. im at the end of my tether ive tried to be understanding but if hes not willing try lose weight or have sex he obviously cant care that much? It makes me resent him and i wont marry him like this. now its got to the stage where i make remarks and disregard his feelings see how he likes it, if someone is having sec on tb i just say oh its alright for some or shes lucky.

im not gorgeous but im not ugly or fat and look after myself. ive even considered getting a prostitute

Add a Comment3 Comments

Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your question and I'm sorry to read your relationship is so troubled. 

I am wondering why you said 'yes' to this proposal, knowing your relationship isn't healthy? I really don't think you should get married until all this is sorted. Marriage will fix nothing - it'll only make it worse! 

You are not in a romantic relationship - you are in a sexless relationship (like a friendship) with a man so getting married doesn't make any sense. Sex isn't everything in a relationship but without it, it's not a romantic relationship for two young people, it's just two people hanging out. 

Unless your fiance tries to work on this, the relationship won't work. It's not healthy like a friendship really, it's filled with resentment and I don't blame you for your feelings. 

Only your fiance can tell you what is going on. You are not selfish, he is saying making you feel bad about yourself so that the issue is deflected away from him.  He has no right to do this. 

Tell him this needs to be sorted or the engagement is off. It doesn't make any sense to marry someone that you have an unhealthy relationship with. You have had the patience of a saint so far but you do need answers. If he won't work with you on this, it's time to leave. You can always love him as a friend but there is no adult, romantic relationship here. 

Maybe he proposed to get you to stay quiet for a while, but don't settle for this room-mate situation anymore and don't allow him to make you feel ugly and unwanted anymore. You deserve more!

Will you keep us posted? 

Best,

Susan

July 28, 2014 - 11:26am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

I said yes as i mean i didnt want to say yes but oh by the way its on the condition we have sex might have ruined the moment. i do love him we have fun i like to spend my time with him and treat him and protect him, we're like an ordinary couple in that aspect. i did think he panic proposed to keep me which is selfish but also says to me he still loves me.

i do know i need to give an ultimatum i'm just worried of what will happen. i appreciate the advice and i will keep you posted
should i tell him i need to talk him in advance? I dont know when to do it weekend? Evening? Thanks x

July 28, 2014 - 11:57am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon!

Wow about sex having to ruin the moment - that's a bizarre response! 

I wouldn't pounce on your fiance, but I would make sure you bring up this topic at a time when he is relaxed and not rushing somewhere. This way he can't avoid the issue. Turn off the radio and TV and don't fall for excuses that he suddenly remembers he has to be somewhere etc. 

If he does this, I honestly think you may never get to the bottom of things. I think he's playing some kind of game here, even if he doesn't want to be cruel. Your feeling are not being considered at all so you need to change that. 

Good luck and keep me posted! 

Susan

July 29, 2014 - 10:48am
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Improved

1765 Health

Changed

668 Lives

Saved

530 Lives
10 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More

Take Our Featured Health Poll

Need Your Feedback! What health topics would you like to see covered more on EmpowHER.com?:
View Results