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my fiance says he loves me but not attracted to me

By June 18, 2010 - 2:23pm
 
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k i never done this before but its worth some advise me and my fiance have been together for 3 1/2 years now when we first got together it was true romance we did everything together we had sex every day if we went somewhere like to my parents house he would mess around with me he use to touch me all the time and when we got together i would say i was over weight a little but i never looked it that bad my weight then was 210 but i looked like i was 160 to 180 but everything was fine cuz he did not know how much i really was so we use to have se all the time and do things he use to take me out we went to dinner like every other night i stayed at his apartment on weekends then i moved into my own house so he came over every night to hang out and what not he had a very good job and i had a good job so now we have been dating for a year n half at this point well then i got injured at work and they put me on lite duty but then the fired me for using my right hand so i was unemployed but was still making it with savings and unemployment and everything was still good with me and my boyfriend then just out of the blue his boss called and said i cant afford you anymore so he lost his job so i was helping him threw that cuz he was very upset and he flipped out and sold his car but he still had his truck and he was out looking for another job the same day so i have alot on my plate so i pack his things and he moved in with me and he started a new job mean while im still not working im stressed alot cuz i dont want him to take care of me i want things to be equal half and half thats how a relationship should be i think so mean while everything is still going very well with us but me with out a job and going to therapy to see if it will help my arm everyday getting stuck with neddles everyday and going threw law suite was not fun so i was all depressed and stressed all at the same time went threw this for over a year no work cant do anything i gained more pounds so now im up to 234 and im not happy still cant work and my fiance just seems like he lost intrest in me with in the last 9 months or so he says it not me it him but when i try to make love to him he dont want it and if i try a little harder to get it he gets mad then he says sex just dont interrest him anymore but i just dont get it cuz i was over weight when we meet and we alwas did it and now he says it dont interested him and then he tells me he is not attracted to my body so i know it has to do with my weight gain cuz thats when it all started i really love him with all my heart it just hurts me that he dont even try to make love to me or even make me feel good he always tells me its nothing to do with me its him he goes to the gym every other day but he wont get me a gym membership thats not right i can afford to go to the gym to lose it and he dont need to go he is thin he is perfect i jusst dont know what to do i dont want to lose him sorry i just told you the whole story of my life told you it was my first time

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I've been in this situation a couple of times. The answer is more simple than any woman would want to admit because we seriously do not think like men. Men have to be physically attracted to their mate. If they are not, then they are not happy. The simple fix is, go to the gym, work out 5 times a week with tons of cardio and some resistance training, reduce your calories and loose some inches and weight. You will know when you have lost enough because things will return to the way that they used to be for him. The problem will then be with you. You will then realize that a mans love is based on superficial looks to some degree. They can't help it because it is an inborn mating thing. Looking for the healthiest female to reproduce with who has the best hip to waist ration etc. Sorry sweety...it's just a biological fact. You are the same person when you way 230 something as you would be weighing 130 something but to a man, they just have to be attracted. Good luck...

June 7, 2012 - 12:52am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I've been in this situation a couple of times. The answer is more simple than any woman would want to admit because we seriously do not think like men. Men have to be physically attracted to their mate. If they are not, then they are not happy. The simple fix is, go to the gym, work out 5 times a week with tons of cardio and some resistance training, reduce your calories and loose some inches and weight. You will know when you have lost enough because things will return to the way that they used to be for him. The problem will then be with you. You will then realize that a mans love is based on superficial looks to some degree. They can't help it because it is an inborn mating thing. Looking for the healthiest female to reproduce with who has the best hip to waist ration etc. Sorry sweety...it's just a biological fact. You are the same person when you way 230 something as you would be weighing 130 something but to a man, they just have to be attracted. Good luck...

June 7, 2012 - 12:50am

im doing what i can to lose the weight just have to try harder

June 21, 2010 - 4:23pm
(reply to wantstobeloved)

Wantstobeloved,

Losing weight successfully is a very psychological task as well as physical. We can't do it for someone else. It won't work that way, at least not in the long-term. People who are successful with their weight loss tend to be people who have strong personal reasons for committing to a weight-loss program. Those reasons are their motivation when the diet or exercise program gets tough.

Forget about your boyfriend for a moment. Look inside yourself. Why do YOU want to lose the weight? What would motivate YOU to try harder?

What would YOU feel like if you lost 25 or 35 pounds? How would you feel about the way you look? How would you feel inside?

June 23, 2010 - 8:33am

Wantstobeloved,

The two of you have been through a lot, and quite a bit of it has been difficult. That changes people. You've been together for more than 3 years, which is good, but it's common to lose some sexual interest over time. You two and your situation have changed since you met, and that is affecting both of you.

It's good that your boyfriend can be honest with you that the extra weight is what turns him off. You mention that you have gained 24 pounds since you first were together. I know that's hard. And losing weight isn't easy.

I'm not sure there's something he can do to just "get over" the fact that this is a problem for him. But since you are not happy with your weight, I think that's more important anyway. What sort of eating plan are you on? Are you able to exercise?

June 21, 2010 - 9:00am
HERWriter Guide

wantstobeloved - You have shared a lot of different information and are obviously dealing with a lot of issues right now.

It's interesting that you mention losing your job and gaining weight and having relationship issues and wanting to lose weight and improve the relationship, but haven't said a lot about returning to work.

Job loss can be very traumatic for people, resulting in depression, changes in eating habits and changes in outlook....all of which can in turn impact one's self-esteem and relationships. Job loss - no matter what the cause - is one of the strongest stressors that people can go through, and in some cases leads to depression and suicide. When one or both parties in a couple are affected by job loss it's not unusual to find relationship issues as well.

Here are a couple of suggestions for you. We have a section of the site devoted to Healthy Eating with a lot of good articles and information. Adopting healthy eating patterns will help both you and your boyfriend feel better, and healthy eating also typically leads to healthier weight levels. A crash diet may help you lose weight but that's all it will do and it will be a temporary solution that will not necessarily help you feel better. You can find this at http://www.empowher.com/diet-nutrition/healthy-eating

Second, most communities have some type of free or low cost services to help unemployed people return to work. Getting involved in these activities and finding a job search support group will remove some of the isolation you may be feeling, help you get activity that's productive back into your life and demonstrate to your boyfriend and your self that you are willing to do your share in helping support your household.

If there is some legal reason why you are not looking for work right now then there is no reason not to be learning the skills needed and connections needed for a return to work when you are ready. The downturn in the economy has made this a very difficult time and job searches take longer than ever and more work than ever before. Being without a job right now, or trying to recover from losing a job right now, is extremely stressful.

Dealing with the issues related to losing your job head on may be difficult but it's what's needed in order to move forward and to build a solid partnership and good relationship.

Good luck to you!

June 19, 2010 - 5:11pm
(reply to Pat Elliott)

thanx but it has nothing to do with me not working i can no longer work so that is not an issue our main problem is trying to figure out why sex dont interest him anymore when we use to all the time i know he loves me is just since i had gained weight is when he lost interest in having sex he says its a problem he has to work on but dont know how to get past the weight he is up front with me we just dont know what to do to get help but i am on a diet but it dont seem to be working

June 19, 2010 - 9:52pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Thank you for being clearer about your issues. I am assuming that you do not have an issue with your weight since you are explaining that HE NEEDS HELP dealing with the weight issue. Have you both considered counseling?

Are you not happy with your weight?

June 19, 2010 - 6:41am
(reply to Anonymous)

no im not happy with my weight and he says he loves me but cant do nothing with me cause its gross and he says sex just don't interest him anymore and we cant afford to go to counseling we really want our relationship to improve we both have said that over and over i would like to be 145 to 155 lbs

June 19, 2010 - 1:47pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi wantstobeloved - Sometimes it helps to just be able to get the thoughts that are bothering us out of our system. I hope that you feel better after posting your comments. You have not, however, asked a question and it's not clear what advice you need.

You seem to be saying that you have a weight issue that is affecting your relationship and you don't know what to do. You are the best person to know what's on your mind and where you want help. Do you want to lose the weight? Are you asking whether to dump your boyfriend? Do you want to know if others have had this problem? What's on your mind?

June 18, 2010 - 5:11pm
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