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my fiancee refuses to have sex with me...

By Anonymous October 12, 2011 - 4:20am
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I've been with a man for over a year. When we met, although he was very outgoing, friendly, loving person, he was going through a difficult semi-depression that came into life when he broke up with his girlfriend of 16 years (first love, on and off relationship). It is important to mention I believe, that she wasn't treating him right, sleeping around with his mates, not showing him enough affection, being more less cold towards him, although she was a nymphomanic and he (as stated by friend psychologist) got sexually addcited to her, having sex up to 10 times a day. To cut long story short- it was a sick love, splitting up every 2 weeks, sleeping around (both of them), getting back together (addcition) etc etc. In the end, he got enough, left his normal life and came to England (where we met) and in the meantime the girl got married. We met 6 months after they broke up and he fallen in love with me. Because during these 6 months he did not have anybody, he was hungry for sex but also for a caring relationship. We had amazing sex life, he was always up for it and he was the one coming to me get it. Gradually, we started having problems in our relationship, and although i knew he really loved me and he would never cheat on me, i knew that his ex is the only one he could potentially talk behind my back to, and not because he missed her so badly but because she was a part of his life for so long and she more less possessed him (apparently her mother is into black magic etc). One day, i found him talking to her on skype, he would not tell me that its her, was swearing its his cousin, he didnt want to lose me. But i got mad, told him things i then regreted in a way, emotions too over and i said things like 'you;re a mummy boy, dont know how to do anything, even how to f*** me, which wasnt even the case but i was mad. As the time went by, our sex life became first boring, then it didnt happen at all. I apologised him 1000 times for my words, he apologised me for talking to her, things got better between us, i met his family, he met mine, and we are currently getting engaged. BUT, as much as i love him, i have my needs. For the last 6-7 months, he never came to me wanting to do make love, i used to dress up for him, buying expensive underwear, perfumes, making myself beautiful (and i'm an attractive young woman, slim, long dark hair, olive complexion- there's nothing potentially wrong with me) and he just wouldnt react, he would ignore me, just cuddle up and sleep. I used to cry every night and scream and shout 'why dont you want to make love to me, whats wrong with me, dont you like me anymore etc etc' he would always tell me theres nothing wrong with me, and that he's got a problem, he's got some 'blocade'. I used to push him to do it and it was literally to shut me up, 10mins from the back once every 3 weeks. I spoke to him so many times and i see how bad he feels with himself, seeing me crying and shouting and putting pressure on him all the time, he keeps promissing me that verything will change and i have to understand him but i'm just so fed up with it, i started being attracted to other man because sex is always on the back of my mind since i cant get it with my own boyfriend. What makes things worst is that he was a bit of a history and used to sleep with so many girls in the past (thats when him and his ex used to split up for a bit), everybody told me he used to have like 3-4 girls a day, and he's an attractive guy, there are always girls looking at him. And now, i'm here, in bed with him, all sexy and nice and he wouldnt want to touch me anymore. It makes me feel so unattractive and fat, i'm always looking in the mirror finding whats wrong with me.. Just the last aspect to add is that he tends to put himself down a lot, either that he's too short or his hair is falling out (he's planning to splash out massive ammout of money for the oparation to get his hair back), that when he was younger all the girls were attracted to him as he was better looking etc. Can this have anything to do with it? Since i met his parents, they fallen in love with me and encouraged him to marry me and he talkas about it all the time, me being his wife, getting babies etc. So i believe he loves me, but maybe he feels some kind of pressure like his parents wanting him to do it so he cant say no to them (he respects them so so much)? Maybe he still loves his ex and his missing her? Or maybe there's something wrong with me? Please if anyone has any ideas, let me know..

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I agree with above. This fellow has issues too big for just you to handle. Plus, you get what you see...never believe oh i am going to change once blah blah. WHy cannot they change now?
I would end it and get help and try and look why you were so attracted to this fellow. Man i wish i had figured that out. All 3 of my sisters married some guy that is nice but also abusive...all have anger issues. My father is pedophile and once i told to protect my nieces...well he has never got over the anger at me. He originally said i was disowned until my siblings stood up with me. He con all of us into believing he was sorry when he is not. Since last christmas he again said how he wants me out of his life, hates me etc.
saddest part is he has nieces totally conned that he is just nice old gp and we are evil unforgiving sisters! lol almost funny so stupid if not sad....stupid all of it.
My point is...we 3 sisters picked men like our father to some degree and only has made misery.
RUn from this guy and fine one that thinks you are special and wants to make love to you like there is no tomorrow! they are out there.....just keep looking..i really feel...better to be along than with some one just who cares only partially. GOOD LUCK

October 15, 2011 - 9:18am

Dear Anonymous,

Welcome to EmpowHer.

As bad as his last relationship was, this one doesn't seem to be any better. The more you nag someone into having sex with you, the less they're going to ever want to have sex with you. Instead of acting like a mature lady, you proceeded to act the way children do--throwing a tantrum every time he wasn't into it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think he is a victim either-- by no means should there even be or have been any communication with his ex--not Skype, email, phone, etc. but it seems like, as a couple, you would both benefit from seeing a psychologist or therapist. Prior to working on your sex life, you will have to work on your relationship as a whole, since it is ultimately the reason why your sex life is doing so poorly.

Talk to him and see if this is something he's willing to try.



October 12, 2011 - 5:19am
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