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My guy doesn't want to have sex with me anymore.

By September 2, 2009 - 8:44pm
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Well, I'm a 23 year old female. My boyfriend is 36. No some have asked if the age difference is an issue. So far it hasn't been. When we first started out together we had a normal relationship. We 3-4 times a day, then it started to dwindle after 2 months. We would have sex maybe to three times a week. I expected this, knowing that the "hot and heavy" phase doesn't last forever, and knowing that 2-3 times a week was fairly normal. But to have it drop off so fast worried me. Then it suddenly went to only have sex once every two to three weeks. And now it's going on a month. We haven't even been together a year. Normally I would just chalk it up to stress. Which is does have. Between work, his beautiful son, and family he has a full plate. Not to mention the stress the failing economy has caused many people. Money. But we went through all this in the beginning too. And we still managed to have a fairly active sex life. But now he always to to have an excuse. Either his head hurts, his shoulder hurts, his stomach hurts, or he's just not in the mood. Sometimes all at the same time. I've tried to talk to him about it. But he refuses. He says he just has a lot on his mind. But he always wants to cuddle. He wants to hold me all the time. But no kissing, no nothing. Just sitting on the couch watching tv. This has been going on nearly half our relationship. Other then this, he's a great guy. Very sweet, loving, supportive. He's an excellent father. But in this one area...he just doesn't even seem to want to try. It makes me feel cheap, and degraded that I have to initiate sex every time, and have to work so hard to get him in the mood. He claims I want it all the time, and he can't keep up. But when I'm only getting it once ever few months I don't know what he expects. Before he claimed it had just been a rough month and he would bounce right back. But so far...I've seen a distinct lack of bouncing. I mean, I grew up hearing this problem when the other way around. That men couldn't get their women to sleep with them. But now I'm in a relationship were it NEVER happens. Our diet hasn't changed much, our stress is were it's been since we started. Has the romance just died? Does he not find me attractive? Could he be cheating on me? I don't really know how I feel about the last question. Because he really doesn't seem like the type. But whenever I've seen this happen in any relationship, the partner that starts refusing is cheating. I don't know what to think, or do. And I'm tired of feeling hurt and unattractive.

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EmpowHER Guest

This sound very much like my relationship with my partner,the only difference being is that I am the male and have totally gone off sex. We have been together nearly 6 years but sex sort of stopped after 2 years. I am 45 my partner is 47. I do have lots of pressure and stress from an ex wife that is always demanding money from me,I feel alot of the problem stems from this.I have long bouts of depression and stress and sex is the very last thing on my mind

September 14, 2009 - 4:31am

Hi LadyKnight,

Thanks so much for your question. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now.

You are right, that "hot and heavy" stage tends to wear off after a while and go to a more "normal" level. But it does seem as though something has happened to make your boyfriend not be interested in sex at all. A healthy 36-year-old man may not have the libido of a 23-year-old, but he should still be very interested in sex.

Has he lost interest in anything else that he used to be enthusiastic about also? Is there a possibility he is dealing with depression?

You mention that the level of stress he's been under is the same now as it was in the beginning. And that with work, his son and money, there is indeed a lot of stress. That builds up over time. It may be that in the beginning, your new relationship actually helped with his stress, but now that it's not so new, it is just another thing on the plate that he's always feeling the need to pay attention to. Is there any possibility of that?

Have you been able to talk about this with him in a constructive way? (And at a time where it's not threatening -- over Saturday lunch, for instance, in a favorite place. Not in the bedroom when you're frustrated already). You have to be able to tell him feelings like you've written here -- that you feel rejected and hurt, and that you don't think wanting sex more than once a month is unreasonable.

Yes, it's possible he could be cheating on you, or viewing porn online. It happens. But from what you describe, I sense more of a tiredness, more of a letdown than anything else. Again, it seems like you've got to be able to communicate about all this. Will he talk about it with you without getting defensive or shutting down?

September 4, 2009 - 7:53am
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