Hide This

FREEHER HealthToolkit

HER Health Toolkit

Sign up for EmpowHER updates and you'll receive our
FREE HER Health Toolkit

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Sex & Relationships Guide

Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!

ask: My husband and I are newlyweds and we barely have sex...advice? It's complicated...

By EdenVoice
 
Rate This

I am 19(in oct), and on March 27, 2009 my boyfriend of 5 years and I finally got married. He is 21(in nov), and is in the USAF. About 6 months before we got married, I wavered in my faithfulness and cheated on him.. It took a lot of effort and sleepless nights and crying to get through it. There were a lot of control and trust issues then, but finally they were resolved.

Now, when I eloped with him (I am Asian and lived in a strict, severely Catholic home. I actually had to run away from my parents to marry him ) I sacrificed a lot to be with him (my family, my job, and schooling at a Virginia university..). He acknowledges that sacrifice and tells me he is very grateful for it and that I make him very happy.

Now for the real issue.. As newlyweds I had been expecting much more sex.. At first, things were wonderful, and since we had been separated for a very long time prior to our marriage, we made love every day for almost a whole month. Until my birth control ran out. Since I had yet to transfer insurance companies, and wouldn't have the money to pay for a steady supply for BC. We stopped having sex so much and I resigned myself to it once or twice a week, and while I complained spaaringly about it, he told me we would have more once we got the BC. We obviously can't afford to get pregnant.

The amount of sex has stayed the same however and I'm starting to feel unattractive.. and that he doesn't desire me anymore. My husband says that it's not so, but that he is a bit stressed with his job and family back home (his parents are going through a tiff). We have a comfortable home, are paying our bills on time and without fear of debt, and even have the luxury of going out to movies, dinners, parties with friends, and we even have a miniature zoo [2dogs and 2 cats =) ]. Anything Nonsexual about our relationship is going swimmingly. I've tried asking him the problem, and after a while, I finally got him to say that he was still bothered about when I cheated on him and that's why there hasn't been as much sex.. I used to ask everyday about it as soon as I got my BC, but he says its annoying and that it lessens my chance of getting any sex, but when I don't ask, I don't get any anyway.

Any sex that we have is initiated by me.. and most of the time he pushes me away and tells me to stop it, he's not in the mood, it's rude to do that (when I place my hand near his penis.. not even on it, just near it. ).. I've tried being patient with him, but he continually pushes me away, and the more he rejects me, the more unattractive I feel and it hurts that he doesn't want me to touch him. I feel like every time we have sex he's just doing it to shut me up. He doesn't look at porn, he doesn't secretly masturbate, and we have an open, trusting relationship now.

I've tried seducing him in different ways, dressing sexier, asking him to take a shower with me, kissing him softly.. and when those didn't work, I backed away to see if he would come chase me, but nothing ever comes to fruition...

Could I get some help please? This is seriously affecting how I view myself.. and I'm starting to feel the pangs of guilt once again.. We can't afford Couples counseling.. and it hurts so much that he keep rejecting me. I just want to be close to him again.

Add a Comment3 Comments

Brock

As what SusanC said, some people have different levels of dealing with infidelity. Say for my case, my hubby didn't technically cheat on me, however, since I know who and what he was before we got together, let's just say even after more than half a decade of being together, I am still afraid of his past and he will feel this fear for sure.

For some people, it takes a lot especially with the way our society perceives men being more than likely to cheat and not the other way around, it takes a lot of ego from them.

However, since he did marry you still after knowing what happened, then I assume he really does feel strongly about you. If he mentioned that his job and dilemma with parents are bringing him stress, then this might also be the triggering factor for him to go back to what you have done before. Do you know specifically what's happening to his parents? Maybe one of them cheated on someone and that its making him think of what you did to him somehow?

Lastly, you will need a lot of patience in dealing with this especially since you were at fault before and regardless of the time frame, infidelity is not the easiest of sins to go under the bridge to. Keep this in mind so that you will be more patient in dealing with him. You need to.

September 11, 2009 - 3:50am
EdenVoice

Thanks for replying. What you said makes a lot of sense.. and I have talked with him about couple's counseling.. I'll see what we can do about this.

Thanks again, it really helps.

September 10, 2009 - 2:30pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Hi EdenVoice

Thanks for your question and welcome!

Let me just start by saying that sex twice a week is not so little that it's some kind of warning sign. But if you are used to having it every day, then this decrease may have some significance.

I think you have answered your question already and that the fact that you cheated on him is still wearing heavily on his mind. Some people cope well with infidelity but for others, it can ruin or end a relationship.

You said that "have a comfortable home, are paying our bills on time and without fear of debt, and even have the luxury of going out to movies, dinners, parties with friends" - then you CAN afford couples counseling. If you forgo the movies and dinners for a while, you can easily get counseling, especially as many clinics offer it on a sliding scale, depending on your finances. Some even offer it for free and if you belong to a church, they offer it for a very low fee/donation or for free.

I know that it must hurt to be sexually rejected but asking him about it every day will anger him and make him feel like you are pushing him in a corner. You need to accept that cheating on him has probably affected him more deeply that he is telling you. I'm not sure why he went ahead and married you without resolving his issues but since you are married now, it's a non-issue.

He has told you what the problem is - the cheating. That's a good thing! It's a lot better than saying nothing is wrong and turning away from you. If you know the problem, you can work to resolve it!

Please consider couples therapy, I think it'll be the best thing for your marriage. It may be difficult because it's going to bring up issues (the cheating) that I'm sure you would rather lay to rest but I don't think "sex" itself is the issue - it's what's going on behind it all. Refusing sex is the symptom of a greater problem.

We wish you the very best, EdenVoice. We all make mistakes, we're all human and you admitted you made a mistake and have done your best to make up for it and you shouldn't be punished for life for it! However, I don't think the situation has been resolved in your husband's mind and couple's counseling will be the tool you need to come out the other side - together.

Are you open to it? Is your husband open to counseling?

September 10, 2009 - 7:26am
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Improved

1625 Health

Changed

603 Lives

Saved

452 Lives
2 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More

Take Our Featured Health Poll

Need Your Feedback! What health topics would you like to see covered more on EmpowHER.com?:
View Results