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Hi silver_girl,

I'm sorry you are having troubles with your relationship! Marriage has its ups-and-downs, and the downs really are emotionally and physically draining. Be sure to take care of yourself while you work through this.

I will do some research for you on this subject, but here are my initial thoughts:

1. My personal views of sexual relationships are that they should be fun, exciting, respectful, passionate, intimate and caring. This can be defined in numerous ways; some behaviors one person may find "exciting" or "thrilling" may be seen as by the other person as "intimidating" or "disrespectful".

2. That being said, you mentioned that your husband is "struggling with a porn addiction", but that you also said you think it is "wrong for him to even look at porn". I just want to clarify this: has he been diagnosed with a porn addiction, or has he self-identified with having a porn addiction? Or, have you given him this label? I want to be clear about this, as saying someone has an "addiction" to something is very different than them doing something we disapprove of.

3. Whether or not he has an addiction is one aspect of this issue; the other is that his behavior makes you feel uncomfortable and is hurting the relationship. THAT is the real problem, in my view. Have you spoken with him about his porn-viewing, and how you feel it is damaging the relationship? Have you two been to marriage counseling for this? Have you been honest with yourself and with him about how this negatively effects your marriage? How long has this been going on?

4. I don't think the issue is "whether or not he should take pictures of you". If you are describing a relationship with your husband where you are upset with his behavior that he either: a) has no control over ("addiction"), or, b) has control over and doesn't want to change ("choice"), then these are the real questions to sort out. The picture-taking is irrelevant (to me) in your question...a husband taking (assuming nude) pictures of his wife will not "feed into his addiction"; addiction is not that simple of a problem. Are you worried that he would post these pictures online?

5. What do you want out of the sexual-aspect of your relationship with your husband? I don't like the thought of "letting someone do something to me". You didn't say "I want him to take pictures of me, but am concerned...". It sounds like you are being passive in this scenario, by "letting him" do something, and I hope you take charge of your sexual relationship and do what you think is fun, exciting, intimate and caring. If you are unable to do this, because of your concern with his relationship with porn, then to answer your question on what I would advise: marriage counseling.

Sorry for the difficult questions; please write back and let us know how we can help you more. Would you like some more information on porn addiction?

I agree with you, Silver Girl, that allowing your husband to take nude pictures of you wouldn't be all that healthy -- and not just for him, but for you as well, because you obviously don't approve of his focus on porn. If it were me, I absolutely wouldn't let him do that.

This reminds me of a relationship I was in where my partner was into porn, and in the beginning I tried to get into it too, but frankly, it just really bored me. I just couldn't see the need for it when we had each other. I couldn't understand his fascination with it, and after a while I felt that it was a little demeaning. Unfortunately, I never spoke out about it -- looking back I wish I had nipped it in the bud because it ended up being this thing that inside I always resented. I would encourage you to speak very openly about it with your husband and let him know that you don't approve of it, that you're uncomfortable, etc., and see how he responds. Let us know what you end up doing and how it goes.... I'd be curious to know what your husband's reaction is.

Silvergirl, I am so glad you found Empowher and have asked this question. I hope you'll find some help and answers here.

I have to agree with Alison's wonderful summary of the situation and with the many points she brings up. You're in a troubled time right now, trying to find some answers to some hard questions.

I am wondering if your husband has asked whether he can take pictures of you while saying it would be a "substitute" for pornography, and if you are thinking that letting him do it would focus his thoughts more on you and less than on the porn? If this is the case, it doesn't sound as though you really believe it would help, and I have to side with you.

You mustn't do anything that you feel is demeaning or invasive to you. As Alison said, all aspects of intimacy between a couple should be private, loving and fun. If you have reservations on any of those counts, then you need to listen to yourself and say no.

Deepak Chopra has said that the answer to everything is in our gut. Regardless of what the question is, we know in our gut whether it is right or wrong for us -- we just have to listen. It sounds as though your gut is telling you no. If that's the case, trust yourself and don't let him take pictures. Because once they're taken, they're taken.

SilverGirl

I have to echo the others by welcoming you here and thanking you for your question. Understand that you are not alone and your question and this discussion will help many who read it and are struggling with the same issue.

I have no problem with sexual interests like pornography/erotica, or dressing up, sex toys and the like - as long as the two consenting adults involved are happy, un-pressured, can be assured of respect and privacy and addiction is not an issue. What goes on in the bedrooms of two consenting adults is their own concern.

But what concerns me here is the tendency of some men addicted to porn to swap photos of their wives and girlfriends with other porn addicts.

My sense is that this may be why your husband wants to take the photos. Not to "satisfy" his need for porn (looking at naked photos of you, no matter how beautiful, will not satiate an addict) but his need to swap them.

Some men addicted to pornography go very quickly from private viewings of porn on-line to the thousands of website where they can swap videos and images for free.

As Diane said, one a photo it taken, it's taken. And once it's on-line, it will remain there forever, often forwarded and duplicated thousands of times.

Please do not allow him to take any pictures or videos of this nature.
If he is were a drug addict and asked you for a hundred dollars and said he was going to shop for socks and underwear at 2am, would you hand him the money? Wouldn't you know exactly why he really wanted that money?

Allowing a pornography addict to take pornographic pictures of you may be an indication he has graduated to the swapping process that many addicts take on.

Be very careful! Your husband needs help with his addiction and this will not help him. While these photos he wants to take of you may be for this personal use only, there is also a chance that they are not. And if that chance is even 1% - don't let him take any.

Please take a look at Empowher's sections of sexual addiction here :

http://www.empowher.com/news/herarticle/2009/02/04/sexual-addiction-101

Please keep us updated - there is help for an addiction to pornography!

Okay, to answer some of the questions:

My husband has been looking at porn for around 10 years. He kept it hidden from me until I found some on his computer about 2 years ago and he promised to never look at it again, although a while later I found more. We are actually separated now, for a number of reasons, porn included but not the only reason. We are in counseling and we just brought it up with the counselor, I hadn't previously because my husband doesn't like the counseling very much and he's very embarrassed to talk about it in counseling, but I think that it's important. I told him that I thought he had a porn addiction and he said maybe he does. He acknowledges that it's a problem, and we are both Christians, and we both think that it is wrong.

Personally, I do not have a problem with him having pictures of me, but I wonder if it is healthy for him. I'm not concerned that he would share the pictures, I just wonder if for someone who has a porn addiction if continuing to view pictures, even if of me, is healthy. It's complicated right now because we're separated. I think that he should only have a physical and personal relationship, rather than photographs, even if they are of me. But it's true I'm not always available, I'm just not sure what's reasonable.

Dear silver_girl,

I am so glad you found this website and thank you so much for posting your original question and the follow-up post with more information for us. I am so proud of you for coming here and posting what's going on in your very personal and private life.

I admire you for bringing up your husband's fascination with porn with your counselor. I hope the counselor will be able to help him look at the situation in a more objective way.

I think that whatever we decide to do or not do in our bedrooms, it all boils down to if we are comfortable. I sense from both of your posts that you are not comfortable with the photos being taken of you, so I wouldn't do it. Even though you don't have a problem with him having any nude and/or provocative photos of you, I can hear what you are saying about helping to feed his problem, so to speak, and how that concerns you. That is enough, in my book, for you to say "I'm sorry honey, but I don't feel right doing this." And perhaps not having the photos of you as a substitute would inspire him to work through his issues sooner and be able to move back in with you.

I really wish you all the best with this, and I welcome you to post again and please let us know how things are going. You have a lot of support on this board and we're here to help. Big hugs to you, M

silver_girl,

I am curious now---when he asked you if he could take pictures of you, what was the context? Are they provocative pictures, nude pictures, or pornography pictures...big difference between these three!

It sounds like you are interested in the idea of taking pictures, and of him having the pictures, so that it maybe helps "remind him" of what he's got in you, when you two are physically separated? Am I reading that right?

I guess I still think his pornography addiction is an entirely separate issue; having naked pictures of you is not going to positively or negatively effect his porn addiction; it's too complicated. Imagine all of the people who have a porn addiction, and if something as simple as a naked picture of their loved one "helped" their addiction or relationship in any way...they would all be helped or cured and it would be a miracle treatment. Obviously, this is not so. I, like the other women who have posted, are more concerned with other aspects of his swapping the pictures, and any future regrets you may have.

So, perhaps this is not a black-and-white issue. Personally, I would ONLY take pictures of myself, and give them to a man that I am separated from, ONLY if I did not mind that 99% of my friends and family would potentially see them. Is there a picture you could give him that is slightly provocative, but not revealing...so maybe that helps ease your mind, while also protecting yourself? I would also only "let him" take sexy pictures of you if you have possession of the camera, you decide on, and send him, the picture(s) he can have (again, assuming you don't mind others seeing the pictures...accidentally or not...on the internet).

Please know: if you truly think your husband has an addiction, it does not make sense to also think that he will be able to control his behavior with your photos...an addict does not have control over their addictive behavior (by definition), even if they are a "good" person in every-other way...it's not about the person, it's about their addictive behavior that they need help with.

And, since you asked, after writing, I personally would only take a picture that is sexual in nature if it was equally for me, either erotic or just fun...it would have absolutely nothing to do with if it would help him or help the relationship. It needs to be for the right reasons. Most importantly: what is your reason for wanting to take the picture...I don't think you've told us this!

We're wishing you the best, and I'm also glad to hear that you two are in counseling.

I hope a males pov is not unwelcome. I would not let him take pictures of you. I recently gave up porn. After 13 years there is no porn on my computer. Was I addicted? No. But it was an almost daily past time. My wife knew, and I don't think it bothered her. We have watched a XXX movie together a couple of times in the past. I haven't even told her that I've given porn up, but the change in our marriage has been amazing. In the past I hinted that I would like to take pictures of my wife, but she never consented. It's probably good that she didn't. Porn starts out as a turn on, but it does end up being more about the gathering and trading. I hope I haven't hijacked the thread. Good luck to you both.