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My husband masturbates in the shower almost every morning. Is it normal?

By Anonymous November 29, 2010 - 10:38am
 
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We have been married for less than a year and since we got married our sex life hasn't been that good. We have sex on average once a week or once every 2weeks, and most of the time i'm the one asking for it. Before getting married we were in a long distance relationship for almost a year and before that dated for 2 months and had a great sex life. But since our marriage and me moving in things have been going bad on all levels. We were fighting a lot at the begining and this obviously affected our sex life. I tried to discuss this with him but he said that we are both stressed and things will improve. Now i'm pregnant, it wasn't planned but it certainly not helping in our sex life. Just few weeks back i walked in on him while he's masturbating in the shower. I was devastated, it never occured to me before that he could be doing this. I know that he likes to sit in the bath tub for hours and have long showers in the morning but it never crossed my mind that he would be doing something else. He saw how sad i was and told me that he was just getting ready to come to bed and have sex with me. I knew he was lying and felt bad the whole day. Since that day, i'm obsessed about catching him masturbating in the shower. I'm definitely not letting him know that and i'm trying to find a way to make things better for us. I love my husband so much and i know he loves me but obviously he's not sexually attracted to me. Now i'm asking him for sex all the time, and usually he finds an excuse not to and sometimes he feels bad and would have sex with me so i don't feel bad. So basically if i don't ask for sex we don't have it. This situation is really upsetting me and i don't know what to do about it, i can walk completely naked in front of him and he wouldn't notice me. This is definitely killing my self esteem, it hurts so much having my husband prefering to masturbate while i'm very willing. Before we were married he was asking frequently for anal sex and i always refused and now i even suggested it to him and still he's not that interested.

Please i'd really appreciate any advices. By the way my husband is 33 years old and a year younger than me.

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

One thing I was not ready for was my second marriage with two more children. I thought things would be the same – nightly sex before marriage when I was living in a different house than hers – but my mental state was different. I can’t explain the reason, but everything changed. Maybe he’s just having problems adjusting or maybe it was the thrill of having sex with someone who wasn’t his wife. Try a change of scenery - go to a bed and breakfast or hotel. That always got me going – we would have sex often on a Fri-Sun trip or we would go to my college’s football games for the weekend and make love many times. Best of luck!

June 17, 2017 - 11:06am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Everyone here is MISSING the point. She WANTS more sex, he's not interested, and he's masturbating in the shower when his IN THE FLESH wife is there and is ASKING for more sex. There is an inundation of men (usually is their 20's but not limited to) heading to sex therapists and couples heading to marriage counselling for this type of issue. These men have grown up with unlimited amounts of free porn and used it for stimulation so long that the unrealistic sex and bodies in it create an unrealistic expectation of real life sex. That means real sex isn't a turn on and they start preferring to watch porn and masturbate instead of real sex because real sex isn't so over the top.

Now don't get me wrong. I watch porn and like porn. If I keep turning my husband down I understand he needs release. Go for it. It's when I am always asking for it, ready willing and able, and then see in his history feed he was looking and NSFW and the ratio in the tub on tablet....jerking at a time in the morning I was in bed masturbating because I'm tired of waiting to have sex. Not only was he jerking when I'm available ALL THE TIME -(we both work from home), but it wasn't just porn (which to me is looking more at the act), he was looking at women who post nudes and more.... he's looking at another woman's body and masturbating instead of me. That hurts so increadibly and is devastating to my self esteem. And in case anyone is wondering, I'm a fit personal trainer who is quite pretty with an hour glass figure. This type of behaviour erodes our self esteem, our sex life, and eventually the marriage. Men don't understand how deeply women feel.

I came accidentally on this blogger who is a divorced man, that get's it. All marriage relationship stuff, and how women communicate and feel - he gets. Got it too late for himself and ended with divorce and now he blogs hoping someone out there can benefit from his mistakes. This one blog he has is in particular to this topic of masturbation and porn and neglecting of the wife in this area. Read it. Send it to your husband. I did to mine. He got the message. He appologized and said he didn't think how it would affect me - he just assumed that we watch porn together that this was ok. He was treating me how a man would react, not how I would react. Now he understand me. This guys blog is brilliant and hits the nail on the head on how most women (not all because everyone is different) want/need to be treated to feel secure, loved, and supported in the marriage.
https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/02/22/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands-vol-13/

You also need to get to a sex therepist or marriage counsellor. We are because we both realize that we, together, are worth a happy marriage. Good luck.

February 8, 2017 - 4:23pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Ok, how about this one? I am a married man, I love my wife madly and if I could I would make love to her every day. But at times she has distanced herself from me for long periods of time, where she will go for weeks without wanting to make love, and I even feel uncomfortable asking. I even asked if she would give me a hand job and she refused. So, I did masturbate, when she asked if I did I admitted to doing it, and hurt her feelings. I understand if she physically or emotionally cannot have sex, and I will not force her to, nor will I ever cheat on her. But, some men need to ejaculate at least once every week to ten days or so, otherwise we start feeling anxious...it is something women will never understand, but guys reading this will relate...honestly, how long can you go without ejaculating? I feel my wife is holding my penis hostage...if she does not want sex, fine, if she does not want to give me a hand job (really, thats all she would need to do to keep me happy) I feel she has no right to be upset if I masturbate. It is not like I am cheating on her with another woman. Some guys will do that. I will not. Any comments and advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

September 23, 2016 - 4:58pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Your wife has no right to control your body, no more than you have the right to do it to her.

Masturbation is normal and healthy - everybody does it - even primates do it. Do what you need to do, especially if it's your only sexual outlet.
Susan

September 26, 2016 - 1:49pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

First things first. What's wrong in masturbation? It is as natural phenomenon as any female's periods. Of course the urge needs to be controlled at some time, but doing it daily is not bad or too much. Face is also that women too do it and enjoy themselves. Best thing now is that you can help him masturbate by giving him a very nice, hygienic hand job, if you don't like giving a blowjob.

August 16, 2016 - 10:30am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Are you kidding...hes not cheating on you i dont know why your upset everyone masterbates thats all there is dont jump to conclutions

August 6, 2016 - 11:02am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Don't know if your male or female. But if you are a female I can believe how you all consider yourselves so enlightened and yet are willing to be sold a bill of goods. Of course most psychologists are male society keeps telling women this is normal. Good. And even beneficial and if you feel bad you are the one with the problem. Maybe this worked back in the pioneer days but I can't believe this is still working in this day and age. Men in a community toted relationship DO NOT have to masturbate. They just want to watch other people having sex (via porn) and imagine themselves participating or do the same in their fantasies where they often think about having sex with a multitude of other women. THIS IS INFIDELITY WITHOUT THE PENETRATION. if you women are ok with this you have no self respect and men will always have control over you. Stop buying into this garbage. You deserve more

September 29, 2016 - 4:57am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Wow, are you serious, you must be a female that has no understanding of how a male feels. We don't need porn to masturbate to. Yes, we do it because we want to, and it feels good. It Isn't cheating, and it is normal. Don't be such a prude, lighten up and try it sometime. Maybe You have and you just aren't doing it right, or you were taught it is bad and dirty, either way, don't be so judgemental, I don't think time period have anything to do with masturbation, it has always been here, and always will be. If you are male, you may want to get your testosterone levels checked.

November 10, 2016 - 7:53pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm happy to read another person believing that a married man masterbating is cheating. Thank you! I get really frustrated because my husband did master age behind my back and would lie to me about it. One day I saw his web browser full of porn and was so hurt that he would spend up to 2 hours watching porn or looking up Kim kardashian nudes. It hurt me because I'm a beautiful 28yr old woman. I feel he barely notices me. He won't spend more than a second looking at me but, will use his time looking at other woman and imaging having sex with them. We separated because of the lying and how he decided to handle the situation instead of being honest and talking about it. We are back together but, I'm still scared and think he may still be lying and masterbating.

November 5, 2016 - 9:35pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I'm sorry, but it's not about you. Chances are he has more need than you have desire, and instead of constantly coming after you for sex and be made to feel guilty and selfish for it (like my wife has done to me for over a decade, so I'm speaking from experience here) he's taking matters into his own hands quickly and in a way that doesn't run it in your face. A lesser man would cheat, understand that loud and clear.
You need to stop assuming you know things, especially if you won't speak to him about it. Masturbating does not in any way, shape or form indicate that he is no longer attracted to you. For all you know he's fantasizing about you, but you have already reached your conclusion without asking.
Another comment mentioned things he may want that you won't do, possibly anal or some fetish things. This could be true, too. I'm lucky in that my wife enjoys anal, and when we do have sex it ends in anal about half the time, but if she didn't enjoy it, I'd certainly look for an outlet for that want. He may be doing that instead of pushing you into things you don't enjoy.
Considering your reaction, I would certainly hope you don't touch yourself either, and if you do, realize your reasons are probably pretty similar. Stop freaking out and feeling victimized, this isn't an attack or judgement on you, he wants to cum. Either get involved and expand your horizons or chill out and accept it. Hell, next time watch him or give him some eye candy to work with. That never goes unappreciated, I promise you that.

June 5, 2016 - 9:08am
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