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My husband wants me to control me in sex through the use of light bondage. Should I submit?

By Anonymous December 29, 2010 - 9:30am
 
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My husband is a very loving man, and he loves to please me, both in and out of the bed. He really gets turned on by the idea of "controlling" me during sex. He thinks it is a natural instinct for a guy to get turned on by a woman being completely submissive, to the point that she has no control in the situation. Now, I do not think my husband would ever hurt me in any way. However, in the past he has enjoyed watching rape porn, and I am pretty sure that is where he got his bondage fantasies. He has since realized the severity of what rape REALLY means and understands that type of porn is unacceptable. (Should I be concerned that he was able to be aroused by rape scenes? Because it certainly disgusted me!) I fear that his desire to have a visual display of my submission and his control could lead to, if it is not already rooted with dengerous thoughts. What do you ladies think?

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Well at first I really thought there was no way I could have a relationship with this guy. But after really considering things and this situation I feel like I would be unfairly judging my boyfriend for what he's attracted to. Also, we were dating for over a year before I found out what he was watching and I've never had any inclination of his attraction towards youngster girls in real world activities. So with this issue of what he watches is pretty much not an issue anymore. Unfortunately I was still left by the frequency and infatuation with his porn habit, which we are currently working on. He seems genuinely uninterested in sex anymore. I simply requested that we have sex more time in a month or so then the number of times he masterbates. In hopes that this would be putting our sexual relationship before his. If he has no desire for sex he shouldn't really need to masterbate that much more. Is that a fair arrangment? Or am I simply backing us into another argument.?

April 21, 2011 - 3:23pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I personally know of at least 2 marriages that were broken up with the issue of porn at the center of it all. It can be an addiction like any other. You also may want to bear in mind that masturbation is completely natural for a man or woman to do. However, if he has no desire for sex, he may have a real obsession that requires working with a doctor or therapist to get past it.
Here are a couple of other ASKs discussing similar questions:
EmpowHER ASK: Why Doesn't My Boyfriend Want to Have Sex With Me?
and EmpowHER ASK: Masturbation
As stated, in the end, how you handle whatever relationship issues you are having is up to you and your boyfriend. All that matters is that you are happy and comfortable in your relationship. You deserve nothing less.
Take care,
Christine

April 22, 2011 - 1:45pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

my boyfriend watches young teen porn. mostly web cam videos that have been posted on porn sites. it really upset and disgusted me and even scared me. many of these girls look underage. i was mortified that the man i loved seemed to be a type of pedophile. I was seriously considering if i could have children with this man. i began to judge myself and my looks because my body type looks young. He seems to be addicted to porn. after nearly two years of fighting to lying, to discussing and negotiating hes been cutting back. he still watches young porn even though ive told him how it makes me feel. he just hides it better. I still am not sure how i feel about his porn. things keep coming up from his past and how far he has gone online. the only thing that i am actually glad about in this situation is that he hasnt made request's pertaining to the bedroom. but then again we only have sex like 3 times a month at most so i guess theres not much need for him to try anything different when he has the internet.

April 20, 2011 - 4:28pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anonymous,
If it makes you uncomfortable, and you wouldn't want to have children with a man who looks at teen porn, why are you still with him? Consider if his behavior makes you happy and if you can accept him as he is. He likes porn, and if you're not on board with it, you don't need to accept it. But accept that he may never stop looking at it. We can't tell you what to do, we can only provide insight.
Good luck, and let us know if you need further support.

April 21, 2011 - 8:51am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Some people find it arousing I suppose but it does not mean that they actual condone the very real and damaging rape. If you set up guidelines and a safe word you both may be able to enjoy the experience because if you consent to a game of non-consent it isn't rape. It's more like letting go and allowing your partner to explore but only as much as you are willing. If he is the kind and gentle man you say he is he will stop the instant you say the safe word you both have agreed upon. If he is not then I suggest you get councelling or get out of the relationship. If he truly wants to rape you then he does not love and respect you. If it is something that you are not even comfortable with as a fantasy game then he should respect you and keep it to his private alone time thoughts.

April 14, 2011 - 7:11pm

I would like to remind you that we are here to inspire and support one another, not tear each other down and call each other names. I did think of the potential domestic abuse aspect this question raised (even if it's just emotionally charged), but didn't get a feel that it was the issue currently at hand. If I am wrong, I would urge the original poster to seek immediate help in dealing with it. Here is an article that may be of interest: Psychological Abuse in Relationships
Good luck and let us know if you need further support in this regard.

December 30, 2010 - 8:45am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Sounds like you have a psycho/sociopath/abuser, is what! What kind of sicko gets turned on by RAPE porn? You claim he's "realized the severity" of it and that's it "not acceptable"? Yeah, right, you really believe that? He's just learned to hide it better you poor deluded thing... It has been proven that the vast majority of rapists/pedophiles/sexual predators re-offend repeatedly.

You need to get out now and get help! If you say NO or turn him down or whatever, it really will end up as rape - do you really think he will take no for an answer?

December 30, 2010 - 4:25am
HERWriter Guide

Anon - I found the words in your "Ask" to be very disturbing. The words say your husband wants to "control you" and the question is asking whether you should "submit?" There is no mention in your comments that you personally are getting any pleasure from this or enjoy it. Are there other areas of your relationship in which he tries to "control you" and you "submit" willingly? If you are "consenting" to an intimate experience that makes you uncomfortable then you may also be signaling that you are willing to do other things that make you uncomfortable. The questions to ask yourself are - what do you want, what is comfortable and pleasurable for you, what is not acceptable for you and does your husband respect your views and needs? Hope that helps and good luck!

December 29, 2010 - 4:31pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Thank you Christine!

I do consent to light bondage, but I am still sop worried that he was able to be aroused by rape that I am scared to let his mind go down that road. Should I be scared of this? Should I be worried that he was able to be aroused by rape? Does this mean he has "brutal" tendencies?

December 29, 2010 - 10:01am
(reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anonymous,
I would suggest you talk with your husband and ask these questions of him. In a loving and respectful relationship, you should be able to have an adult conversation about this. I'm guessing he won't know what to tell you, but maybe voicing your concerns will make him think about it and help him to realize how it makes you uncomfortable. Is this a passing fancy with him, or do you need counseling? I can't answer that question. Let's see what others in this forum think about it. But my gut tells me that if it makes you uncomfortable, your husband needs to understand that and you two can figure out a solution, whatever that means in the confines of your relationship. You deserve to be comfortable and secure in your relationship, and shouldn't have to condone behavior you find undesirable.

December 29, 2010 - 10:11am
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