We have been married for 18 months but been together for almost 10 years and our sex life is becoming a HUGE problem. Now there are several contributing factors to this.
1. After 10 years together I don't expect 7-times-in-one-day marathon any more.
2. He is working in a physically demanding job that he HATES
3. We have discussed the problem several times with the conclusion that the fact we only have sex once a month is because he is stressed/in pain and or tired.
I understand his point of view, I really do, and the fact that he took this job for us makes this whole subject very difficult for me to bring up with him but I am going out of my mind here!!!
Firstly, initiating sex has become wholly my responsibility and under the circumstances, fair enough, but I am continually rejected and when I last asked him if I should keep trying to initiate sex as he never seems interested, he said that I should but if he wasn't in the mood I should laugh it off understandingly.
OK, got the point but this is becoming increasingly hard to do.
I have found that the only successful attempts are either
1.. A quickie first thing in the morning, 5 minutes, Wham Bham thank you mam or
2.. An early hours-when-he-is-sleeping attack! (use you imagination)
Now we flirt during the day, he often expresses how much he desires me or tells me that I look very nice. Also we have a very rich fantasy life that we discuss with each other.
All good ingredients for healthy sexual relations, this I understand.
My problem is twofold..
1 I am finding it more and more difficult to handle the rejection and
2 When ever I manage to interest him/ engage him sexually he ALWAYS brings up our fantasies.
Now as a PART of a healthy sexual relationship talking about fantasies are normal but for me a sexual relationship comes in two parts...
1 Having sex
2 Making love.
We have sex once a month only because I keep trying until we are successful.
The really big problem is that no matter what I try, in the end we only have sex.
What can I do about this? I'm afraid that I'll lose the little sex I do have if I mention this particular point. I don't even know if I'm over reacting (something I often do) or if, once again, I am over thinking things.
But for me, this lack of intimacy is becoming about everything. All the little things that were just part of his personality when we married have become reasons to leave. For example.. I ask him to think about the weeks menu so that we can write a shopping list... and he can't.
Two years ago, this was just because he was who he was and liked everything I cooked. Lovely to heave such an easy customer.
Now, if it seems that if I can't rely on him for a decision over something so simple as a menu, how on earth can I rely on him for anything at all.
We were talking about starting a family.
He said that as I was the one who was most affected by stress (I have panic attacks and am prone to depression) it would be my decision as to when we would get pregnant!!
Considerate or passive aggressive unreliable B.S.? I can't tell any more.
I think all of this comes from the fact that I can't connect with him in the way I need in the bedroom. I know that this has all been very much a rant but I really need help.
Am I overacting?
Is it all connected?
What can I do to fix this?
Should I leave?
We have sex once a month, and this is a big something under the circumstances but we haven't made love in YEARS and I don't know how to fix this or even if I can.
PLEASE PLEASE HELP!
I think my marriage may be over.