ask: My lesbian girlfriend has herpes what can or can't we do sexually?
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Anonymous
January 4, 2010 - 4:39pm
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I am a woman in love with a woman that has herpes. We haven't had sex yet so I need to know what options we have. I am currently in a very unhappy marriage and trying to work my way out of it. I desperately want her and cannot risk getting this disease under my current situation. Please help!
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Hi, Anon,
Welcome to EmpowHER! And thank you so much for your question.
I'm so sorry for your difficult situation. I hope you can soon end your marriage in the easiest way possible. Are there children or custody issues involved? Do you have all the information you need?
Genital herpes is a sexually transmitted disease that is contracted from skin-to-skin contact. The virus is a type of herpes simplex (similar to the herpes virus that causes cold sores in your mouth, but this affects your genital area).
You must avoid intercourse when she has an outbreak. It is most contagious then.
When she does not have an outbreak, it is less contagious, but it is still possible to get it. There are some antiviral drugs she can take today that limit outbreaks, and she could ask her doctor about those.
EmpowHER has a thorough encyclopedia page on genital herpes, which includes a diagram and pictures of the blisters, and more links on the bottom of the page:
http://www.empowher.com/media/reference/genital-herpes#definition
Here is the Mayo Clinic's page on genital herpes. Be sure to click on the links down the left side that talk about diagnosis, causes, treatments and prevention:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/genital-herpes/DS00179
Most health site entries about genital herpes presume that the two partners are heterosexual, and that a condom can help eliminate the spread of the virus. With two women, of course, that's not the case. Here's an about.com page about lesbian safer sex:
http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/lesbiansex/a/Herpes.htm
Does this information help?
January 5, 2010 - 9:21amThis Comment
Thank you for your response. I looked thru some of the links but still have some more intimate questions. She got this terrible virus 15 years ago from an old college boyfriend that never told her about it. She hasn't had an outbreak in years, what's the chance that I can get it if she has no signs of an outbreak? So it's a skin to skin transfer, I'm guessing that means I can't put my hand, mouth, leg or anything else on her vagina. What if she touches herself then touches me, can I get it that way?
January 5, 2010 - 11:01amThanks for asking follow-up questions...let me know if this additional information helps.
There is a small chance that your partner could spread the virus even when no symptoms ("outbreak") are present, whether it is touching skin-to-skin, genital-to-genital, mouth-to-genital--or any combination of these--including her touching her genitals and then touching you. The largest risk of spreading the virus is during an outbreak, or in the few days before the outbreak, but there IS still a chance of spreading the virus even with no outbreak, unfortunately.
The best protection is to either use a dental dam, or a condom cut in half length-wise, to cover the genital area. Although not your first choice to use barrier methods, it is vitally important that you continue being cautious and not spread the virus from your partner, to yourself, to your unknowing husband (please do not read this as a judgment, I want to make sure from a public health standpoint that he is protected, as he won't know to protect himself, and this is how the virus keeps spreading. You are in a great place to stop the spread of infection, so that your current husband does not spread it to someone else without knowing that he should be using protection, since you mentioned that you are trying to end the marriage).
The only 100% way to make sure you are not spreading the virus from one person to another is to practice abstinence, and the next best thing is to practice safer sex (using a cut-up condom to cover the genitals-and-surrounding-skin and/or a dental dam). You can read more about safer sex options and Herpes at: American Social Health Association (ASHA), Herpes.
I am also sorry that you are in an unhappy marriage, and hope you can find a resolution soon, so that you can focus on your own future, health and happiness.
Let us know if you have any additional questions!
January 5, 2010 - 2:07pm