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My lesbian girlfriend has herpes what can or can't we do sexually?

By Anonymous January 4, 2010 - 4:39pm
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I am a woman in love with a woman that has herpes. We haven't had sex yet so I need to know what options we have. I am currently in a very unhappy marriage and trying to work my way out of it. I desperately want her and cannot risk getting this disease under my current situation. Please help!

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EmpowHER Guest

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful and heartfelt comments here. I have a question that maybe somebody can help me with. I recently had unprotected sex once with someone who I had been starting to date. His choice to do it without protection, and he said he had had an std test a few months before (though I now realize that this probably did not include a test for herpes, as the CDC recommends that that is not usually included in screens unless explicitly requested). A couple days later he had an outbreak of something which the doctor he saw thought was herpes. He hasn't gotten the results yet. When he told me this, he asked me (angrily) if I had know I had it. I had no idea and have never had an outbreak of anything and feel mortified if I accidentally gave someone an incurable STD that I didn't know I had and had no symptoms of. I will get tested as soon as possible and before I have any further intimate relationships. But after reading as much as I could about this online, I am wondering if there is any chance at all that he is wrong and I did not give him this (assuming it turns out to in fact be HSV2 or possibly 1)? (We did go down on each other briefly, but I've also never had cold sores, so this seems less likely given how unusual that form of transmission would be.) I've read that some people never have initial outbreaks (I didn't), but also that sex can be a common trigger for outbreaks. He said his symptoms were apparently much less than is common for initial outbreaks (less blistering, no pain, and no general flu symptoms), so it made me wonder if it was possible that he had already had it without knowing (which would still mean I might now have it from him, but wouldn't make that a certainty). As I understand it from looking for statistics, there is something between a 2% and 10% chance of transmission from one time having sex while the other person is not having an outbreak (closer to 2% for woman-->man and 10% for man-->woman). But different sites give slightly different numbers on this. I know it's possible that he could have gotten it from me from one time together, but it seems like such long odds, so I'm wondering if there is any other possible explanation. I've been really struggling with this, as I was confronted with it in a very accusatory fashion and it completely blindsided me in the middle of one of the most important weeks of my career and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I'm trying to hope that it isn't as bad as it sounds. I feel terrible for this guy, who has been a friend before this and who I don't want to have hurt in this way. But I also feel very offended by the way he shamed / accused me. I'm just hoping there might be some other explanation.

November 17, 2015 - 9:33pm
EmpowHER Guest

So, I've been dating this girl for a short time. She has oral herpes. She contracted it from giving oral sex to her ex girlfriend who had genital herpes. They never did this during an outbreak, yet she still contracted the disease. I already have intense feelings for this woman. Deeper than I've expressed to her, deeper than she knows. I don't know what to do. I'm a very sexual person. Does this mean I can not receive oral sex from her, ever? Does this mean I should stay away from giving oral sex to her too? Are kisses really out of the question? I can't imagine this...

October 2, 2014 - 7:18am
EmpowHER Guest

The information that I read was refreshing and reassured me of things that I have read before on other sites. Thank you

October 6, 2013 - 5:23pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Great info

December 21, 2014 - 11:56am
EmpowHER Guest

Omg of course you can give her oral! How about people with oral herpes (cold sores) never kiss again! That's so stupid, sometimes I think doctors are the worst at perpetuating the stigma of herpes.

February 25, 2013 - 8:46pm
EmpowHER Guest

Treat herpes like you would a cold sore cuz it's the same thing. My gf of 12 years has herpes and I don't. We have normal lesbian sex. When she feels an outbreak we don't. There's no need to be super paranoid about it. It's simple. No one wants it but its no big deal and from my perspective almost impossible to pass (we have lots of skin to skin contact!!) well maybe not so much anymore but it's been 12 years :)

February 25, 2013 - 8:43pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

The woman I'm talking to has genital herpes. I'm afraid to contract it. I care very much about her. But I don't see that it's worth catching a sexual transmitted disease. What should I do? We are lesbians. She says that her x never caught it. But how high is the risk.

May 4, 2016 - 10:46pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

be careful....i have herpes...i got it from my exlover female
now its on my hand,thighs,arms,if i could i would have walked away.
its hurt me so bad and i feel dirty and i am afraid..it hurts even more that she left me with this....Just be careful....also there is gaditator
i am sure i am not saying it right ..it can happen with hsv 1..
this one attacks your skin..look it up....not only hate come yourself and the person who gave it to you...i think about killing her.
Just make sure your ready to deal with the pain of the 3 stages
of herpes......MOST OF ALL GAY PEOPLE BE HONEST YOU COULD DIE FROM YOUR LIES.....also you can sue a person for giving you herpes.

May 24, 2016 - 9:07pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

That's a personal decision you're going to have to make yourself. There is certainly a risk - is she on daily anti-virals? Does she get outbreaks?


May 5, 2016 - 5:46am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I found out I have it and my gf doesn't but want what to have a baby and I would be carrying it. Can I still have a kid with herpes?

September 18, 2014 - 2:59pm
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