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My sister, who is now 51 years old, has, for the majority of her life, sought to manipulate, coerse, fabricate stories in an effort to benefit from the goodness of her family members and others who loved her. She knows how to work the system and she knows how to lay the necessary ground work, so that she will benefit and others will suffer.
She was interviewed by CPS psychologist for a mere 2 hours last year and this professional was able to immediately identify the very strong presence of the following behavioral symptoms or issues; narcissism, habitual intentional lying, manipulative coersion, and the list goes on. She has never held a fulltime job for very long because she would always develop some sort illness or injury that would prevent her from continuing to work 8 hour days.
Her youngest daughter, who is now 7 years old, had been living with my sister up until the age of six, which is when my sister was evicted from her home, (which she lived in for over a year without paying anyting to the landlord for rent which resulted in the landlord/owner losing the home). Her daughter started school last year, first grade, and the school's attendance records show that my niece had close 42 sick days during the first and second trimeste. My sister was keeping her daughter out of school because she wanted someone to keep her company at home. My sister would only allow her daughter to play with one or two other little girls and this was on rare occassions because the other little girls were the daughters of two of her friends that she like to "party" with.
Back in 1996, when our mother was diagnosed to be in the early stages Alzhiemer's our sister did some pretty awful and deceitful things to our mother and her behavior affect our mother terribly. When our mother passed away 2001 from complications of Alzhiemer's, our sister, again demonstrated her total lack of caring and respect. I felt it was best, for the safety and welfare of my own family, to end all communications with my sister at that time.
Two years ago, our father died, and felt it was my duty to invite our sister to the memorial gathering that we planned for him. She came to the event and she told me how sorry she was for all of the things that had transpired in the past. She said something to me that I had never heard her say before and that was that she had finally realized that she needed to take ownership for things that had happened in her life and that she was trying to become a responsible person and that she wanted to make it on her own.
Unfortunately, I believed what what she told me and I told her that I would do what I could to help achieve this goal. Over the course of the following 12 months, I spent nearly $14,000.00 trying to help my sister get on her feet. I bought her a brand new wardrobe because she said she didn't have any "work" clothes. I put together a resume and cover letter for her and then I bought her a computer so she could look for a job. She owed a lot of money to household utility providers so I paid all of past due bills. I paid for her dental care because she said she couldn't work due to several problems she was having with her teeth. I bought her a nice used car (I took out a small loan against our house) on the condition that she would promise keep up up the insurance and the registration. All in all I spent close to $14,000.00 trying resolve all of the problems she said were keeping her from working a full time job and then she cut me off. She wouldn't answer her phone when I called. She wouldn't answer her door when I came over. Finally, I called her using a friend's cell phone and my sister answered. Of course she was shocked that it was me and then she preceeded to tell me not to bother her anymore, that she didn't want me meddling in her life anymore. She told me not to call or come over anymore.
I was devastated so say the least. I began seek answers from some of her friends and it wasn't long before I found out the truth. Everything she had told, all of the reasons why she was in such a deep financial hole, were all lies. I also found out that, for several weeks, she had been telling her daughter, my neice, whom I had come to love very much and visa versa, that I was a bad person, an evil person, and she instructed her daughter never to talk to me again.
Well, long story short, my sister who shortly thereafter became homeless, dropped her daughter off to live my niece's father, who I had been told was an awful father figure, while my sister bounced from one friend's home to another, staying one or two nights at each place.
I decided to reach out to the father so I would not loose my connection with my neice and come to find out that he is a wonderful person. He was providing my neice with a very warm, loving, and safe environment. My neice began to excel in school and she won an a big attendance award at her school as she only missed one day of the entire year. She has been her father ever since, however, because my sister and the father have joint custody, he has to release my niece into my sister's care twice a week.
I now stay in close contact with him and he has told me many horror stories about all of the terrible and dangerous situations that my sister has placed her daughter in while in her care. He has had custody of my niece for close to 18 months now and the state is still garnishing his wages $1000.00 per month for child support and this money is then being turned over to my sister, who is not providing any care for her duaghter whatsoever. Upon my urging, he has hired an attorney and he is suing my sister for full custody. Both my brother and I are in full support of his efforts to gain full custody over our niece.
However, the court seems to be siding with my sister. I know that she has fed the same warehouse full of lies about the father to the courts and by all appearances, the court seems to be siding with my sister.
My sister has also had a drug and alcohol problem for many years, but she hides it very well.
I am beside myself with worry because the court doesn't seem to want to hear our testimony about any of things that we have witnessed over the years, and we have witnessed many things. My niece's father agrees with my brother and I, that many of these of things are extremely relevant and should be be taken into consideration if the court is going to be making a decision about the welfare this child.
I know now that only reason that our sister refuses to relinquish custody to the father, who is the only parent with the abilitity, both financially and mentally, to provide an appropriate, stable, and loving environmentfor this child, and that is that my sister's sole underlying agenda for custody is that this child is her "meal ticket". My sister believes that as long as she maintains custody of her daughter, she thinks that she will always be entitled to receive "free" money from the father.
Why won't the court listen to the other members of the family, especially when we know that the mother, our sister, has some very serious mental problems that have yet to be officially diagnosed and treated because our sister is incapable of realizing that she needs help?
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Hi Anonymous
This is a serious problem all over America. I personally know several people in this situation and worse.
The best thing you can do is hire a sharp attorney who will aggressively pursue the child's interests, and every time that child is put in any kind of dangerous situation, file a report with the local child protective services. When you file a report they have to investigate it. You don't file reports for a lifestyle, you file them for incidents. So if she endangers the child in specific ways multiple times, call each time for an investigation.
It is so painful and wrong, but this happens every day in the U.S. We don't protect our children. She is lucky to have you in her life, and she will remember it as she gets older. Just do what you can and remember you may need counseling yourself. This kind of situation is extremely hard to deal with even for you as an aunt, and some therapy may help you find a way to live with it without being eaten up by it all the time.
Thank you for writing. I wish you and your niece the best.
September 18, 2010 - 6:40amThis Comment
Thank you very much for your words of suppport. However, your advice for contacting CPS whenever my sister places my niece in some sort of jeopardy is not that simple. Generally, it is usually weeks later that we find out about these events that have occurred and we can't contact CPS just because we suspect that something might take place.
The problem that I see is within the court system itself. For the courts to refuse look at evidence pertaining to the one of the parents, especially evidence that comes from family members who, in this particular case, do not have anything gain by providing such evidence, is absolutely ludicrous to me.
On what grounds can family court justify this kind of position when it comes to ensuring the safety of a child? I just don't understand.
September 19, 2010 - 6:07pmThis Comment
I wish I knew the answer to that. I have a friend whose children are endangered by a parent, police reports have been made and charges brought, and the parent in question is still allowed joint custody. There should be far more outcry about this type of thing than there is.
As a nurse, legally I must report suspected child abuse or I can lose my license. You don't need proof of abuse or neglect, you need suspicion. They don't have to catch someone in the act. The report must be investigated. I totally agree about "family" court. I wish I had a better answer for you.
September 19, 2010 - 7:43pmThis Comment