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My boyfriend and I met online, a little over a year ago. He's 37, and I'm 31. When we first began talking, he was adamant that sex and physical closeness were very important to him. When we met for the first time, he seemed very turned on by me and our time together was very satisfying.
We live together now, but almost since moment one of this arrangement, things have been off. He barely touched me for the first few weeks after moving in, and after I brought it up with him, he expressed that he just wasn't a very affectionate person in that way, and that it was a conscious effort for him to allow someone into his personal space in that way. He was physically abused as a child and teenager, and reacts to being touched when he's asleep like a war veteran with PTSD, so I believe this. He's also made a very significant effort to work on it, and the physical affection (hugging, kissing) has increased a lot.
Sex, however, is non-existent. At the outset, I initiated it because I had no reason to expect he didn't want it, but he consistently seemed uninterested. When I brought it up with him, he told me the new job he had started made him angry, depressed, and exhausted. I could understand, since he'd been going to school while working short evening shifts for years and was now getting up at 6am. He's also an introvert, and was forced into a customer service / accounting position, which he loathed. He said he simply had no energy. He also said he needed time, and was glad we were developing a relationship not based on sex. He didn't cite it as a reason, but he has an issue with PE and I know it makes him self-conscious. He made an effort at first, and we'd go to bed early, but it wasn't difficult for me to tell he wasn't into it, and after a while, I stopped suggesting it.
I know that I have brought it up with him too often, because he was receptive and willing to talk about it at first, but now he rolls his eyes and says things like: "Do we HAVE to go into this again?" The last time we talked, I told him that I didn't feel like the reasons he gave me for this lack of sex were the whole truth, and he finally admitted to me that if I wanted things to improve in that department, I should continue going to the gym. He said he needed to "be able to pick (me) up and move me where he wanted me." I asked him why he hadn't told me this six months ago, and he said he'd tried, but I was too emotional and he was afraid of hurting my feelings.
It is true that I am a big girl. I am 5'8 and I currently weigh 220lbs, and I am not confident at all in my appearance. I've been scorned for it in the past by other men and it's hurt a lot, and I know my man sees that in the way I shy away from initiating sex (and I'm pretty sure he prefers to be the submissive one). I've been working very hard on this since I began this relationship, because I understand self-confidence is beautiful and I want to have the whole package with this man. I currently eat well, go to the gym 5 days a week, and I've lost 25 pounds since we started dating. He compliments my efforts, and is very encouraging in a totally positive way. It still hurts, however, to feel like my man isn't attracted to me in that way, and I can't help but worry that he'll leave me for a 'better model,' even though the one time I suggested that, he said it wouldn't happen. I mean, he chose me, knowing I looked the way I do, because he cares about the person I am inside.
Every other aspect of our relationship is great. I know he isn't cheating on me (and I believe wholeheartedly he never would). I don't trust people easily, but I trust him. He's nine of ten things I ever wanted in a man, but I want 'the whole package,' for us as a couple. I am struggling with the feeling that it's all on ME, though he admits his part in it. I also worry that the damage to my self-confidence in the bedroom (and as a woman) will be hard to repair.
How does a girl get her groove back after (and while) dealing with something like this in a relationship? I am not going to end it, because I recognize the aspects of myself that contribute to the issue, and he's told me it's something we'll work on together. How much will losing this weight really help? How long do I need to wait before I bring it up with him again, or should I just let the self-confidence I gain do my talking for me?
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!
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Add a Comment26 Comments
I have the same problem, but is not because Im overweight. Im too skinny actually and have stretched skin and stretchmarks from growing overweight from having cancer. I dont know why my husband isnt attracted to me either. We ladies are not perfect, but its definately whats inside that matters. In my 31 years Ive been through enough health problems to know that you could have a super model's body, and in a split second that could all be destroyed. I know that for a fact. So if you want to lose weight, do it for yourself, not because someone isnt happy with the way you look. Search inside and out for things that you like about yourself, and what you dont like, try to improve. If you cant improve it, accept it and embrace who you are. Our worth is not determined by others! Its all you babygirl. If your significant other doesnt love and want you as you are, it most likely means you are incompatible. I say this confidently about my own marriage. I am of the belief that people shouldnt try to change others into who they want them to be. We should be accepted and loved for who we are, or move along and find someone that will. I hope this helps, best of luck to all of us.
February 8, 2012 - 1:32pmThis Comment
Hi I am A little concerned, about me and my husband to be's sex life we also met on the internet 18mts ago, I am 34 he is 36, we used to have sex all the time like twice a day then went to 3 times a week then once a week now aprox every 2 wks if I am lucky, I am fit and healthy so is he, he works hard and has a stressful job but he also has problems with me cuddling when he is a sleep often throwing my arm off him, he use to be so loving and our sexlife was great but its hard to even get a hug from him now days with out him pushing me away, he tells me he loves me and I am the best thing thats happened to him but seems to have problems showing it, he has also started to work latter and latter now so we only realy spend time with each other at weekends but he spends most of that time watching films in bed,( not porn) so any ideas of what to do about it or what the prob could be? ladies or gents?
February 8, 2012 - 6:01amThis Comment
signs of a affair?
December 28, 2012 - 2:14amThis Comment
My story is similiar, you arent alone. My bf and I have been together for 5 years, the first 3 years our sex life was normal...we found each other mutually attractive and took advantage of any opportunity to have sex; also mutually satisfying. 2 years ago, however, we bought a house together and now live together. Since moving in together, we have only had sex a few times...he actually had a difficult time getting/keeping an erection and this made things really uncomfortable. I'm afraid to touch him there in case it doesnt work and I think he is equally afraid he wont be able to perform...so it's this really odd "elephant in the room" thing. I have a few times asked if he was interested in sex and he says he is, "but I never initiate it and when we go to bed at night I go right to sleep"
January 28, 2012 - 4:49pm. When I talked to him about his lack of erection in the past, he said "we've both put on about 30lbs over the past few years and that has become an issue"....We are both working on losing weight now, I am curious to see if that will indeed improve our sex life....he is great in every other way, but like you....I feel sexual intimacy is important in a relationship. Currently, I feel like we are just room mates. Let's see how things go in the coming months - if weight loss helps. In the meantime, I'm not sure what to do with this lack of sexual intimacy.
This Comment
It is a general rule, that men with erectile dysfunction is afraid to have sex. But you both even do not try to talk about that problem and help yourself, why? You are like two snails hiding in shells. Why not to make a move? Do you know that ED is not the sentence? Have you tried to do something? It is now possible to improve your sexual life. Being overweight sucks, I know what I'm talking about but I have had the same problem with my bf in the past but thanks to VigRx plus we almost forgotten about that problem.
August 19, 2012 - 9:19amThis Comment
Losing weight will have many benefits.
You will improve your health and reduce your risk for serious health conditions such as cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes.
You will improve your self-esteem and build self-confidence.
Do not bring about the subject with your boyfriend again. It did no good in the past and will probably do no good in the present and future.
In time, as you work toward your goal of a healthy weight, if you don't see an improvement in your relationship, think about moving out and moving on.
Take care,
Maryann
January 9, 2012 - 6:57pmThis Comment