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please help, how can i fix my sexless 6 year relationship?

By Anonymous January 11, 2010 - 12:15am
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hi, im a 26 year old female in a loving, affectionate, caring, sexless 6 year relationship. in the beginning we had an active and fulfilling sex life, but as time went on it dwindled. for about the last 3 years we have been trying to improve and deal with this, long talks and new ideas to spice things up, new toys, different types of birth control. anything to increase our average sexual encounter to something more like 4 times a month, instead of just once. three years and im still feeling lonely, rejected, unattractive and just plain damn hurt. i have tried to be understanding, i have offered advice and have been willing to do adventurous things, i started a different type of birth control, got new sexy underwear that he likes, but nothing helps. we have talked about this so many times, then we try things and it doesn't work and it starts all over again. recently i have been having dreams about cheating on him, we talked about this because i absolutely do not want to do that. but im honestly worried it might happen. i mean i feel like im just supposed to give up my sexuality. the thing that hurts the most, is that i know he masturbates frequently and watches porn. so its not a matter of him not having a sex drive.

other than this our relationship is just so great, we moved in together and started a company. he is affectionate and caring and generous. we want to get married and have children, but how is that going to happen if we never have sex? i would sincerely appreciate any advice on how to fix this and why he would do this.
thank you

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Dear Anon,

Welcome to EmpowHer and thank you for your post. I am sorry you seem to have hit a plateau in your relationship as have many other women on our site. I know you say you have a great relationship besides the fact that sex has become an issue for the past three years, but have you considered that you have both just settled for each other? Or that he may have settled and you are still very much in love?

I know it isn't something you want to hear but a man who masturbates frequently and watches porn very much has an active libido. The problem may not lie within you dressing sexy, using toys, or changing birth control. At this point, after three years, the problem may no longer be a problem to him because he has moved past this and perhaps (though I am not suggesting this is the reason) he may be seeing someone else on the side that is fulfilling the need that you are still missing.

I truly wish I could give you the solution to your problem but the reality is that there could be a million possible answers to this question. I have attached the link to a post that is similar to yours and could possibly help.


Hope it helps and good luck to you,


January 11, 2010 - 4:53am
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