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Pregnancy and depression

By June 11, 2010 - 6:50pm
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I'm 38 and soon to be father. My 24 yr old girlfriend and I seemed to have a great relationship. We wanted to get married and have a child together. We even picked out the best dates for her to conceive. This was her idea and I thought it was a great one concidering we hadn't had any luck in the past months. We were so excited when we found out that she was pregnant.

Now she's 3 months pregnant and is depressed all the time. She constantly has morning sickness. I can deal with this, I feal so bad for her having to experience these things. If I could I would take all of it on myself.

For the past month and a half she has been completely distant with me. She doesn't want me to look at her, be seen in public with me ( she actually told me that she could do a whole lot better than me in the looks department), touch her, hold her, kiss her, be intimate with her ( I find her loking at porn, but when I start to look at it she gets extremely upset). Sorry if that was to much information. I just don't know what to do and don't know if this is normal for a certain percentage of pregnant woman.

There was a time when we were in love and got along great, but since about a month into her pregnancy she's become so distant with me, I dont know how much more I can handle. I need help. I've tried everything I could think of, I don't know what else I can do.

She's told me that she hopes it's her hormonal changes that's making her feel this way towards me, but she doesn't know. Is there a chance that the pregnancy is causing these feelings she has towards me?

Please be honest with your input.

Thank you

Add a Comment5 Comments

Thank you Suzan for reponding so quickly. Your assumptions are very accurate regarding my girlfriend and her past. Thank you for your suggestions and ideas that you've shared with me and to answer your question, yes she is a fan of porn< but we both are thats why I don't understand her being so upset. Do you know if woman that are pregnant tent to find their partners less attractive and others more attractive during their pregnancy? Once againg, thank you and have a great day.


June 15, 2010 - 5:40pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to nv_tango)

Hi again Tony!

Thanks for the update.

There are no hard and fast rules about pregnancy and how women (or men) behave during the nine months. Some men run from it all, some women can't face it and couple can become very close or drift apart.

I think the majority of women deal very well with pregnancy and have great relationships with their partners but it's not always the case.

In terms of sexual attraction to their partners or others, do you believe your girlfriend is less attracted to you and more attracted to others, at the moment? Can you tell us a little about that?

June 16, 2010 - 11:21am
(reply to Susan Cody)

Hi Suzan,

Thank you very much for your advise. We are doing much better now. To answer you last question, at the time I felt that she wasn't attracted to me. Since then we've been to see her doctor and she prescribed her medication for her nausia and from the moment she started taking it she's back to the same person I met. So I want to thank you, the doctor and the medicine. Or it could have been due to her going through her first trimester. Also our intemacy is back to where it was too. I will definitely refer anyone that is experiencing pregnancy issues to you. Thanks again Suzan!


July 14, 2010 - 8:42am
HERWriter Guide (reply to nv_tango)

Hi Tony!

Thank you for your update and I am so pleased that things are working out much better for both of you! Sometimes seeing a third party - a professional - who has no emotional attachment to your particular situation, is what's needed. Kudos to both of you for doing this.

I hope you update us when you have the baby! Feel free to stop by EmpowHer anytime and we wish you a healthy labor and delivery.

July 16, 2010 - 10:39am
HERWriter Guide

Hi nv_tango

Thank you so much for your question. Congratulations on your growing baby, I wish you and your partner a very healthy pregnancy.

To get straight to the point - yes, absolutely her pregnancy may have triggered anxiety and depression in your girlfriend. I assume from what you have written that all was well before her pregnancy so I'll now assume her problems are pregnancy related.

We tend to focus on post-partum depression when it comes to having babies but some women do suffer from pregnancy related depression and it can make for a very difficult nine months (and possibly beyond) for both the mother and her partner. It can even pose possible risks for the baby.

There are many reasons for pregnancy related depression. One is past sexual abuse, a history of depression or some kind of childhood trauma. Do you know if any of these triggers are possible?

I'd like to put you in touch with the March of Dimes section on pregnancy related depression. Here you can learn about possible causes, treatment options and support. Please click here : http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/188_15663.asp

With regard to her watching porn, I cannot say why this is suddenly happening but is she a fan of porn, in general? If not, she may be acting out sexually, doing this to punish you or to rebel against how she feels now - perhaps less sexually attractive, perhaps confused about her sexuality. Pregnancy can be a weird time for women, in terms of how they view themselves sexually.

Her physical symptoms of morning sickness certainly play a part and it's good to see how understanding you are being. Some women (me included) go through to horrendous sickness and it's important to have support from a partner. No-one wants to feel horribly sick all day and night, for months on end. Hopefully this may end for her in the next month and do check to make sure she is not getting too much iron in her supplements. I had to stop taking mine as it was contributing to the immense nausea I had all day.

Do know that she is not doing this to be mean or pay you back and also that you have done nothing to deserve any ill-treatment. Her actions are a result of her depression and are not a reflection on you. I'd also like you to think about getting caregiver support because this cannot be an easy time for you, either.

nv_tango, it's time to accompany your girlfriend to her prenatal visits and address her depression with her doctor. Make her a part of it, don't talk about her as if she is not there but if she refuses to recognize her depression (and in her state, she may not) do put a call in yourself to her doctor so that her concerns can be addressed. You are not going behind her back, you are taking care of your partner and baby.

Additionally, take a look at this video about how our nutrition can affect our minds during pregnancy:


nv_tango, thank you so much for looking out for your partner and your unborn baby like this - you sound like a great partner and dad-to-be. Please let me know what you think of my suggestions and if you need further help, we're here.

Our best to you-

June 12, 2010 - 2:53pm
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