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questions of intimacy and selfworth

By Anonymous July 18, 2012 - 1:34pm
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so I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years now, we hung out as friends for 9 months before we started dating. He is older then I am so I decided to be friends to see how i felt about him ( i wanted him right from the begining, but thaught i should wait awhile to see how our friendship progressed). I just turned 25 and he will just be turning 35 in a week. the first couple of months of our relationship we had sex anywhere from 1-3 times a day (neither one of us had sex for like a year prior to our relationship). after the first couple of months passed he lost sole custody of the kids and became depressed and we pretty much stopped having sex. I Still loved him as much as i ever did. so after a couple of months of being depressed and not having sex, things started to get better, we started having sex again maybe once a day or every second day(which is fine). I understand he was depressed and have no worries or concerns about that. After the first year of our relationship passed he got into a little bit of trouble and depression again, he left me a suicide note and disapeared from my life for 45 days. Long story short he ended up comming home and went to jail for 8 months for a misdimeaner, breach or probation (no drinking) and not showing up to probabtion when he ran away. so another 8 months went by we didn't have sex, anything i was feeling or going through in the first year and 8 months of our relationship i put aside, because i know what he was going through was much more and bigger then I. when he got home we started having sex again regularly, now for the past couple of months im lucky if i get sex once or twice a month. I've tried talking to him and telling him that i need more in a relationship, i've tried compromising with alternative forms of intimacy, such as making out of touching me and whatever else, i have tried. He says hes just not in the mood, I've asked him calmly if there was anything i was doing or wasnt doing that was making him feel this way. he just says "no," Im just not in the mood and he understands his body and if its gonna work or not. i get that thats fine, but we can still try right? doesnt have to end up with penetration (although that would be my ideal), but there are other thngs. I've tried seducing him, doing things to him i dont necessarly "like" to do but he does so i do it for him. last night i tried again...... he started kissing me n touching me so i thaught it was going to happen!!!! i started to touch him (he got an erection, a good one at that), but refused to have sex with me, said he wasnt in the mood!!!!!!!!!!!!!! call me crazy but if u start touching a penis and it gets hard from being touch doesnt that mean its arroused???????? He gets erections but still refuses to have sex with me cuz hes not in the mood. What does that mean?????? he wont talk to me about it, says nothing is wrong. I've never been so hurt and feel so worthless, un attractive, and insecure with myself. i LOVE this man more then anything in my life he is always there for me and treats me with love and respect. i know he loves me i just dont know whats going on and why he doesnt want to have sex with me. i just want him to want to have sex with me. im not looking for everyday or anything like that, once a week would be fine. i just want to know he still finds me attractive that he still is sexually interested in me. I've tried spicing things up by making the first move by trying new positions. (FOR CRYING OUT LOUD I EVEN TRIED ANAL ONCE TO GET HIM IN THE MOOD). i just cant take it, its tearing me up on the inside. i've never been insecure about anything like this in my life and i dont know what to do or how to feel or think. I get he's older and passed his prime, but that doesnt mean sex has to stop completly. I'm still young i still have wants and needs, and if he has a boner from me touching it why is he saying he's not in the mood????????? HELLO, THE EVIDENCE IS IN MY HAND!!!!!!!!!!! Please anyone help me, share ur comments on my situation. even if its not what i want to hear i need to know whats going on, what i can do, if it is me, i dont know anything.!! please.....

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Hello Anonymous,
Your relationship has many issues. There is a 10 year age difference between you and your boyfriend. Your boyfriend has served jail time, lost custody of his children and suffers from depression.
While you are focusing on the lack of sex and intimacy, what is he focusing on? Have you ever thought what he might be feeling? Have you thought what it would be like to be him?

I suggest you seek the intervention of a counselor or therapist. If you and your boyfriend are agreeable, face to face therapy may be the way to work out your intimacy issue.


July 18, 2012 - 4:25pm
(reply to Maryann Gromisch RN)

Thank you for giving me your point of view, yes our relationship has has had many issues, we are working on all our issues and things have gotten better he's never had a charge prior to the occasion and hasnt had one since, and we are talking with someone about his disapearance he has also been sober for a year and 2 months now. I guess i was only thinking of myself and not taking into consideration his life and what he lost and was/is going through. I think talking face to face with a counselor is a good idea and am willing to do anything to make things work. He is a really good man who would do anything for his kids and girlfriend and even a stranger on the street and i need to remember that. Again Thank you for your time and point of view I really appreciate it, and it really did help. To be honest I was thinking i was going to get a reply saying i need to dump this guy or he is cheating on me, i never thaught it could be me being selfish and not recognizing anythng that was happening/happend to him. Thank you, it really helped me and opend my eyes.

July 19, 2012 - 2:02pm
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