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Rare sex with the boyfriend...

By Anonymous January 5, 2011 - 5:57pm
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I have researched this a lot today, and have read some related issues people are having with their boyfriends as I am having with mine, except they all used to have sex often with their significant others, and I am not.

I started dating my current bf about 4 months ago, and on these dates the topic of sex came up. I refused to have sex w/o a commitment, so we just talked about what to expect if and when that time ever came with us. He had said he liked it at least once a day, and in different positions. I had told him honestly that I was not as well-educated in the art of karma sutra and he had said that was fine. He will "teach me things". I had also told him that I hated my body and was very self-consious about it (I had lost 50lbs three or so years ago, and as a result have some extra skin). He had said not to worry, and he will help me get past that.

We did end up becoming commited about three months ago. After our first time together, he never mentioned anything about my body being fine, etc. I didn't think he liked how i looked, and my suspicions grew when it turned out that him and I only had sex once a week. I sometimes would initiate it, and sometimes he would do the initiating. . . the same two positions. I asked him why we only had sex once a week, and he said, "I don't know, that's just how it's been happening." Then suddenly the sex stopped about a month ago. I asked him what happened, and he said, "I've been busy." I don't know with what, because I was right there with him. There was always time to fit in sex. I intiated it the day after New Years, and everything seemed fine, but when Monday - our "usual day" passed, and we didn't do anything all day, I had to bring it up again last night, and he gave the same excuse.

He has also been talking about a secretary at his job who used to hit on him (I had known about her before), and who is now dating his brother. He seems to talk about her all the time, just saying how annoying she is, etc. It's making me feel like he is jealous that his brother is with her. I can't explain it...but it has me wondering if this can be it, or maybe my body really does turn him off. I should also point out that he had told me, back when we were dating, that his favorite position is doggie, but he has only done that with me once (my "extra skin" from my weight loss is in fact on my butt).

If there is any advice I can get, please help :/

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Hi Anon

In addition to Christine's great help and advice to you, I also want to add a few things in that stood out to me when reading your story.

Firstly, I think your boyfriend may have been talking himself up a bit when he was talking about how he liked sex everyday and all sorts of exotic positions etc. Because when you did become physical, he wasn't exactly the Romeo he made himself out to be! So the issue may be with him and not you!

I also think it's a mistake to have made yourself out to be not so knowledgeable in bed and his promise to "teach you". Women who only have ever had one partner can be amazing in bed. I think you put too much power into his hands. Your relationship started off with your hating your body and not knowing how to have great sex. Who wants to start off that way? It should start with him catching his breath when he sees you, opening doors for you and treating you like a queen!

Also - I know this is hard to hear but one of the biggest turn-offs for men is a woman who doesn't like her own body. Men love a confident woman, regardless of her weight or skin. Many men will not want to get naked with a woman who doesn't like to see herself naked. They feel weird and uncomfortable about it.

Men have great sex all the time with sexy women of all shapes - it's her love and confidence in her own body that turns them on. So telling him how you don't like your body before even having sex might have been a mistake. Even if it's true, it's not something that all men need to know until they really know a woman for a long time. It's like a woman doesn't need to know that a man farts after orgasm or has some rather gross habits! Some things we only need to learn down the line...!

Unless you learn to love your own body, men may continue to fear having sex with you. Men also don't want the pressure of constantly reassuring a woman when she ask that old standby "do these jeans make my butt look big?". Men will always (we hope!) say you look fine but they get very weary of having to do all that and silently wish their woman loved her own body as much as he loves it! Telling a man you hate your body is like making him take a cold shower - he will simply lose his desire.

Lastly, I bet you think your body is a lot "worse" that it actually is. You did a huge thing with this weight loss and congratulations to you! Don't punish yourself for it! A worthy man will love you either way, Anon, but unless you stop hating your own body (and never tell a man that again - until you learn to love your body, that talk is for your girlfriends and people like us!) you won't be comfortable, literally, in your own skin. So how could a man be comfortable with you, too?

Love yourself and your body - get into a support group, get into therapy - and congratulate yourself for having gotten a lot healthier! Right now you are ambushing your own chance at happiness and after all you have accomplished, that's not fair on you. You've earned happiness so go and get it!


January 7, 2011 - 1:00pm

Just as every relationship is unique, so are the reasons or causes behind your partner's choices in his behavior towards you. We have compiled the “best responses” received from both men and women in regards to your specific question, and hope you read through them thoughtfully. Women have been going through the same struggles, and have shared their insight and lessons learned. Men have also shared why they did not want to have sex in their strained relationships. Please let us know what “words of wisdom” or “tips” resonated with you from the following articles (not sure if these were included in your research).
Helpful Relationship and Sex Articles:

Please let us know what you think after reading those articles, or use some ideas to initiate an open, loving conversation with your boyfriend. Ask the questions you want to know. It also sounds like you may still have some self-confidence issue left over from your weight loss. You accomplished a great thing, nothing can hold you back! It may help you to talk with a counselor to work through how this situation and your weight loss has affected you. Get comfortable in your own skin, and your boyfriend will either get on board, or get lost.
Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.

January 7, 2011 - 8:02am
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